My Faith is in the Stars

What will become of the people
When you sit and watch them from a distance
As you watch, they think they are alone
You see the look in their eyes
The pain in their souls
They look tired
but the word tired has never meant enough
When I watch, they start to talk to themselves
They seem frustrated by the day
by the week
by their existence
They seem to be crying out for help in their silence
They look so lost in this crowded world
They look worried
They look concerned for the future

I keep wanting to show my head
Give my cover up, show them I'm there
I want to tell them that they will be OK
That they have so many people around them
That they will never be alone

But they are proud people
they are traditional
They do not look for assistance
They do not take help
If you offer they will snap
If your arm reaches out, then they will bite

I watch in a helpless state before I can not let my eyes see anymore
I store it in my mind for a quiet time
I do not wish to divulge anymore
For I know what I see
I trust my eyes, for they can see more than I will ever see
They see it first, then drip feed enough to me


I put my soul into the hands of destiny
I put my faith in the stars
I wish at night for all the happiness
for all these people I see with the pain
I hope the day comes where tears aren't spilled
I hope that in time they move on
That they recover
That they smile
That they relax
That they become the person I know them to be
In time
All we have is time
All we can give is patience
It has been a long wait
but I am not done yet

Hindsight who?

Not alot can be said about getting older
Until hindsight rears it's head
For when you are younger you have no real reality on what's going on
Not really
You understand that you are in school for 5 days and off for 2
You know you have to get up early and grab a bus
You know that your mum and dad work but you don't really know what they do
You sit in lessons where sometimes you haven't got a clue
You have friends and enemies and they take over your thoughts
You watch television and get lost in fantasy people
You idolise singers and learn all their songs
You collect the latest trends
You demand pocket money
You do house chores for more
You want a job at 13
You start saving up for magazines
You think celebrities are the gods
You become hormonal
You start having serious feelings and you think you are the only one
You want to move out
You hate your parents
Now you love them
You row with siblings
You become competitive
You have no real understanding on how important education is
You wish you'd listened more
You wish you'd tried harder
You wish the feelings you had for someone hadn't affected your grades so much
You wish you wish
You coulda shoulda woulda
If only you knew what you know now, you vow you'd have done better
You tell everyone you didn't try hard enough, that life was messy
That growing up gay was hard
But you didn't mutter
You didn't tell a soul
You would just stutter when your crush was near
You agonised over it
You buried it but it appeared the second you blinked
Like hiya it's me, your sexuality
Oh if only you knew what you know now, then
Oh what a life eh
Not a lot can be said about getting older
Now 30 and still feeling 20
Responsibilities have grown
But life is still fun
Still exciting
I'm still growing
At 50 I'll look back
Hindsight will rear it's ugly head and be like oh what if you'd done better bla bla
Truth is
I did what I did
I do what I do
I make it up with no real understanding of not being here one day
I know it happens
But I'm too busy living
Hindsight is a wasted emotion and thought
Because you did it your way
Reacted to life at that moment
Not thought about it, paused time planned out different outcomes then chose
No life is like that
Only in films
Anyways rant over
Just a moment of sharing
And a quick F U to Hindsight
Ta ra xx

And when it fails

It happens sometimes
The world forgets how to spin
It starts slowing down and people don't know what to do
It puts you in positions you are not used to
You start falling and hurting yourself as you hit objects around the room
It forgets to look after you with this gravity shield we are given
It gets out of control.

You start crawling around the ruins that are left in sight
The places you once looked at with such light
Are how deserted and dark and blood heavy
The world has spun too hard this time
It's taken lives
No one can understand why
And is searching for blame
Then all of a sudden that tranquility is spoiled
The life we exist in has been tainted and no matter what we wash it in, the stains won't come out
And the hate is rising like hell itself
It's showing
the rooms have become red and covered in pain
And noone can breathe
It's getting too much
The tears don't help anymore
The grief doesn't end
The world has just spun out and damaged too much
Unrepairable
Unconsolable
Unhealthy
Unworthy
We are all left lost with only our mirrors for company
Strewn out lives
Damaged dreams
All away for one last time
One last breath
One last sight
The last thing they felt was fear
The last thing they say was terror
And so it continues
The world spins again once more
We wait
We wait for the next hit
The next tragic disaster
Life
Whatever happened to compassion
Community love and worth
Relationships of meaning and trust
All forgotten
All lost
All unclear
Please change
I'm living in this life And I'm scared
I shouldn't be
Life should be worth it

And then you were gone...

And then you were gone
Not a farewell
Not a see you soon
Not even an explanation
All that time searching and it was over in a blink.
I couldn't catch my breath
At first I thought you're busy, somethings come up
But the days turned to weeks turned to months and now it's a year.
Who knew
who knew something like this could leave me feeling blue
And confused and some nights, even blaming myself
You knew
You know me, surely
You know what I'm like
You know what makes me tick
You stood by and let this happen

See I don't even know why I'm surprised
I mean you always did let me down eventually
One day I'd be flying on euphoria and the next day I'd be cleaning up the mess my heart had made slamming against the floor
It was always like that
Like a drug up and down, down and up
Waiting for my next hit
Knowing you'd turn up
Like an addict on his last breath
Crying out for another hit another score
Boom
Bash
There you are
The creature of my nightmares
the person of my dreams
The one who kept me going when I thought I'd lost my way
Traipsing through the night with no care in the world
Knowing you'd be somewhere
You were always somewhere
But now you are nowhere
And I'm left again sat on the sidelines of our messed up history trying to piece the little clues you left behind
Trying to make a sense out of it
I always tried to
Tried to heal my broken heart
Tried to move on...

Now it feels over
It feels cold
It feels sudden and painful and it hurts
You hurt me again
Who knew you could
I did
You did
They all did

Congratulations
I hope one day it hits you
You see my face in your thoughts and you wonder where I am in this life
And I hope it is too late
I hope you are left not knowing too

Why should I be the only victim...

The X Game

Shouldn't feel jealous
Shouldn't compare it
No that would be stupid of me to

Shouldn't be concerned with
Or ask questions about
Or even let images stick in my mind

To allow this will allow more
And swimming is what I'll do
And then drowning will become the next moment
And then dead

I cannot compare it
They aren't the same
The time frame is different
The relationship is different
I'm not the same
Neither are they

So what if language changed
So what if they've travelled more
So what
This isn't a competition
This isn't a race
You don't win anything if you sit and disgrace
You just embarrass yourself and leave yourself weak

Don't be full of hate my dear
Just accept the been and gone
Just allow the life to run as it may
Don't go back into space you never were
Just be in the here and now

Goodbye

There's a lot to be said about the word goodbye
For it has so many different meanings
When I left my old house and I sat in my bedroom that word cut straight through me
When I was bullied in high school the word was filled with glee
When I moved away for university I felt quite scared and anxious
When I've said this word to family members who had passed away, I felt a part left me
But now I'm saying it to my old scared self
The girl who thought she couldn't
Or wouldn't or shouldn't
Because the woman I am today showed her she could and would and did
I'm where I've always wanted to be
The dreams are now reality
I'm stressing over things that actually matter and that feeling really surprises me
I've spent so many years looking and hiding and trying and wishing and wanting
But now I'm at that stage in my life that I feel like all that's forgotten
Goodbye to me now, means nostalgia and bliss and moving on for the better
Being better
Achieving more

Social Media

Chance after chance of whole grain wheat
sorrys and oopsie daisies and begging on their knees
cowards and twats and twits

You meet someone and its like butter wouldnt melt
everything you hear is gold dust
you get taken out and splashed out on and everything feels like perfect
you get yourself hooked and talk everyday and text and fall asleep with each other
you dial their number and oh hey they do say and a smile its etched on your face now
You are so happy and facebook gets busy and you take some pictures and share them
your life feels more busy and you are so frilly and dance around excited to see them
data after date and night after night
and text after call after voice note
the time is a flowing and your love is growing and nothing can damage this perfection

But like the weather it can sometimes change and leave you amongst clouds in the winter
it can start to rain and sleet and snow and you have no idea what is going on
the social media platform is now abandoned and forlorn and you cant see the happy smiles
you are no longer upbeat

Chance after chance of whole grain wheat
sorry after sobbing after flowers after texts
knocking on your door
banging your window
asking you to forgive

21st century love life
lost in the classic love story
lost in the getting to know someone
lost in the dating
just getting into bedding
not getting to know properly
people are wolves in sheeps clothing
they are lying
they are pretending
they are using
abusing
texting and calling
liking and deleting
blocking and tormenting
the love life
the modern day love life, lost in the media
the media of socialism
the media of opinion
the caring what they thinking
the writing the status and checking in
show you are busy
show you are somebody
show you are with somebody
be with somebody
dont be alone
dont be single
force it
forgive and lose
chance after chance
forgive and lose, get lost get sad


NO
this can not be the life of 2017
this can not go on
feelings are real
you cant edit the text
you can not undo the done
you cant delete it
or unshare it
its out there, its real
it beats
the heart beats
it gets hurt
no font colour can change that
no emoticon can erase that
its real
people are real
social media isnt
its just a rose tinted view
its just a lie
its just a curtain drawn slang match in mute
its just lies
all lies
all evil
all fake

chance after chance of whole grain wheat
not anymore
you blew it
you blew your chances
no more fucks will be given
do not mess with me and my blood line
did you not listen
to the rules of childhood
you play with fire and you will get burnt