Infusion
Whatever you want to dress it up as
The reality? It’s chemotherapy
It’s been selected based on grade, type and stage
It’s a concoction of liquids
like making potions as a child in the bath; using all your mums expensive Avon selections
But in this case, it’s plain old poison and it’s job is to be syringed directly into my vein and flung about my body, killing all that it sees
Cancer cells, healthy cells
It’s not picky
It doesn’t care
My first session was not easy
I’d been alone the night before
Tears down my face as I realised later but at least it happened that in that dark moment in which I was home alone
Partner soon to be ex out drinking and two cats by my side like security
That I would only have myself to rely on throughout
That this treatment was going to ruin me but that I needed to keep calm for myself
You have bloods taken several days before to check you are healthy enough to go ahead
As soon as that stuff starts entering you; your body really hasn’t known anything like it
I had a picc line so that meant that my first four infusions known as EC would not damage the veins or cause burns on my skin
No I’m not joking…
So imagine I’m there with all this stuff you read about needing
Huge bag known as my chemo bag
Full of books and sweets and my iPad you know? Like it’s some day out
2litre bottle of water ready to chug as that’s important to ensure you pass urine before you leave that day
I choose my chair like you do in the cinema
Except this is completely different
No thriller or romcom for me today
My nurse was amazing
I mean they all were but the first nurse became my rock
She got me with all my tisms and blank moments she understood
They fit my line and start with fluids and anti sickness and everything else you can imagine as a precaution to my reactions and allergies
Then a hospital staff member arrives with a bag
Full of the days meds
We have different colours for different types
This room seems to fill up quickly each seat is taken
The enormity of people affected has never really been easy to see
Mine was here
I confirm my name my NHS number and my DOB, it feels surreal that at 36 I was experiencing this
There was never a subject in this
No lessons like swimming or driving
No way of preparing mentally or emotionally
You want to make a joke but the jokes on me
You want to run away
You want it to be a sick April fool that went wrong
But it’s none of these things
It’s attached to this device and this pole on wheels is attached to me
The saving grace is that my nurse gets to stay with me
Four syringes of the Red Devil and four syringes of the one that felt like I was drowning
She talks about everything
I try and hide my fear but she can see it
It’s a large tube for the syringe and it’s going in
Weird to see this line hanging out of your arm
Knowing it’s deeply embedded in a vein leading directly to my heart
Being pumped around with my hearts beat
Slowly at first and calmly it starts entering
My fear of blood seems laughable now
I don’t know where to start with the fears I could now list
Watching this red liquid enter my body
Unforgettable
Pink box near me incase I react
Incase my body goes into shock at the audacity
How am I someone who was so healthy and happy
Experiencing this
What the hell is life
Why me?
Why us?
Too many people
All ages
Not picky this C
I did react
Nausea was horrific at home
You sit in your head thinking what the hell is my body going through
How is this even real
1 of 8 and I never want to go again
The smell of the ward
Brings back the fear
Was in hospital several days later
All these meds and injections to follow
To be done by yours truly
But we don’t moan
We don’t complain
We don’t even react as it’s causing us sickness
We do cry when alone
That’s what I’d do
I’d hug my body close and apologise under my breath
Apologise that my body let this in
That my body didn’t notice the signs
That this cell was a fake
But it was too late
This was my path
This is my path
This path never ends
Station stops throughout life
But like they say with childbirth
You never forget
It never goes away
The staff will stay with me forever
And unlike that child birth
We aren’t gifted with a baby
We are gifted with a bit more time
And we hope there is no next time
We spend our life hoping
