Not many times

Today it dawned on me that it would be another year down 

But also that last year my life was so messy I couldn’t make out a single thing 

My life seemed to have just hit a wall

Like I often did in video games

I didn’t know the controls

I’d lost the control

I was in a place of melancholy 

Life was so dampened I barely felt anything 

I was drugged up and sick and trying to heal

I couldn’t ever imagine this would be my path 

Not as a child waiting in the corridor of a building for a lesson to start

Excited to have a video in class

Sat watching the original Romeo and Juliet on a tv screen as I sat on a table at the back of classroom

Understanding the inner works of stunning literature written at a time in history I could only dream of 

Fancying the characters and wanting the feelings they had

We now look at the now 

The places I’ve been I could never give enough explanation 

The places I’ve been have been surreal

I can see my chemo sessions but it was almost like I’d detached so much it was happening to someone else

But how does my life look now

What is my first awaking moment 

It is waking up to an alarm 

An alarm alerting me to my working week 

In a role I absolutely adore

I can’t explain my passion for my role

But in life everything I’ve ever done I give my all to

No one ever told me to

It was never a training 

It was not a birds and bees it was innate

I look at the room I am in 

All my own and all my own creation 

It is all there because I put it there

I’m content 

My health is better

The disease was cut out of my body and disposed of 

It has gone 

It came to remind me of my own reality

But with that

My mortality was in the sunlight 

It was blinding and it was scary

I’m now approaching another year

Another year of my life and existence

And yes it can be daunting

I no longer have shadows taking the sunlight away from life

But I have myself

Sat alone yes

But in the sunlight 

Sat in the driving seat

Sat in control of my own destiny

Living as much as I can in the future

No longer fighting for the right 

But giving myself the right 

Like a permission 

It is mine for the taking 

Mine for the rest of my life

It was a battle

But not with the treatment 

With myself

And I am here and living 

I am more me than I’ve ever felt 

And even though it can be hard to put my big girl pants on 

I do

I wear what I want

I open my door

I step out

I don’t ask for help or validation 

I own it

I am me

I was always me 

But I was scared

I was conditioned 

I was imprisoned

Now I have realised how free I am 

The life feels authentic

It is authentic

It is me 

The smartest man who ever was

In a room full of family I remember you clearly

The tall one with the suit 

The carefully chosen outfit of corduroy and blazer

The smartest shoes 

The glasses and the ring on that finger

You never changed 

Always quietly spoken but every word mattered 

A football fan 

Baggies boing boing 

I loved our chats when we got to know each other 

And the way you offered my drink knowing what I wanted 

Your sweet tooth with biscuits but your favourite being the eclair

The way your hair was always perfectly in place 

I’ll miss you because you were true to your word

You sat in your chair with your smiling eyes 

You were always ready to listen to me and give me advice 

I loved your laugh 

Your eyes would smile

You made me feel safe at the lowest moments 

You were so kind and so patient 

You made my God mother happy

You made me happy 

I hope you are now at peace

I hope you are comfortable 

I’m sorry that you had to endure such difficulty in the end 

I will not forget you 

I loved you

Rest easy Eric 

Tightly closed boxes piling as high as the tree

And when your hearts in pieces

And when there’s nothing left

And everything you used to have 

Is filling up the trash 

And when you find yourself silent 

Along comes all the grey

The sadness in our history

Will finally go away

And now I’m thinking of her again

Even though it left me with a stain 

A stain from all those tears

From waiting on your name

To flash up on my phone again 

And make me feel more normal 

For I spent a whole year pining 

And now it feels like a new ordeal 

And now it’s all lay out 

In front of me on the floor

The memories all such pain felt 

All piled high against the wall

The flooding of all these moments 

Fill the rooms with thoughts 

The windows they won’t open 

And the house is getting heavy

It’s such weight on my heart strings 

And such sorrow in my voice

As I watch it all fall away 

In this huge pile at the tip 

The wind will return soon 

And it will blow a gale 

The little bits of paper will all take off and spiral

Within it the ink has written shapes that wrote letters about our love 

All wrapped up tightly as it falls through the night 

And it will finally lose speed and fall to the ground falling to that street where it will never be found 

And one grey Monday night there it is by this hedge

And one person will walk past it 

And the words that were written will never be read 

Haden hill park

Take me to the park you frequented as a child

Tell me of the games you played, and the first time you grazed your knee

Tell me what you dreamed of and how much you enjoyed life

Tell me about the trees and how this park felt like the whole world

As we walk along the path that you used to walk up on a Sunday afternoon 

Tell me about the tiredness in your legs at this steep hill

At this family tradition of Sunday walks and then Sunday dinner

The dinner bubbling as we got home 

Our stomachs rumbling

As we walk along this lake, and you point out the ducks and tell me of the rat race that once scared you and your mum

That the swamp below used to have this smell and that you can still remember it

As we arrive at this castle, although a once famous household, tell me about how you remember it before the remodel; that it used to be a presence and look stunning every year, that you could imagine the families that would occupy it; and as you got older you would learn about the love story from two very different households

Firework night was always your favourite, the beautifully lit skies were vibrant in lilacs and whites and golds 

Some noises that came from them were screechy but the night just filled you with magic

It felt like you lived in a Disney film 

And that this night still remains deeply important to you

The bonfire nights, and the hot chocolate, to the cricket club and the beers 

To that plastic flooring covered in mud and warm cans of cider

But still the best firework display for miles

As we approach the gates, you tell me of being stuck in here once, that you outstayed the times and you got locked in

That you were never a good climber and struggled to get out

But you were able to drag yourself up and over, banging and bruising your knees in the process

The park wardens house always so quiet and peaceful

The road was opposite a pub that you would go on to work at when you turned 18.

This job would go on to be the making of you 

It gave you spirit and confidence and the potential to believe you could and would achieve higher education

The people you met have never left your memories and although there were some tough experiences and scary times overall it was your safe space

It was also the place that linked to the house in that park, the tunnel underground, the meet up of two people in love 

Creating a love that was forbidden, a lot like the story of Romeo and Juliet 

Now its no longer and although the building has been gone for over 10 years, I still see it when I think back to that road 

I still see the summer nights and football games, and parties,

The karaokes and the music

The regulars and the carefree times

The fun and ease of life was just so real 

That young girl had so much to learn

But now as we make our way to a front door that’s changed and the house no longer in our name

You tell me you loved this place 

That is brings with it such positive happy memories 

That the times just flood in and bring a tear to your eyes

That this was a time in my life I will hold onto forever

Moving on has always been a tough game to play

The unknown always frightened me

The need for expectations to be met and the same old to be stable was always my path

That consistent routine that didn’t change

That inability to be spontaneous a deeply rooted trait

Look at me now

That young girl running up that steep hill in the park of such adventures

She’d never believe me 

Not for a second

That this is the life I am currently living

That all those changes and times happened and that my health did suffer

But whatever the experiences I have had

Whatever the pain I have felt and the loss I have had

I will always be that young curious girl

The girl who felt safe in that park 

The girl that ran fast and with purpose

Who won the race

Who captured moments and saw the beauty in the most random of places

Who felt the flowers grow and the ground below her soften 

The young girl with high hopes and big dreams 

Cancer Day Rambles

You know how relentless this all is 

Who gives a fcuk about how frigging much we weigh whilst we do it 

Yes don’t become morbidly obese

Yes don’t affect your health with weight 

But societal pressures can go fuck itself as far as I’m concerned

All this “journey” BS 

This is relentless and changes our psyche in ways only us as individuals will ever really know

We can’t scream or shout about it

It won’t make any difference

It is a disability

I feel disabled by it often and there’s not a thing I can do to stop it 

I can’t just throw in the towel 

I can’t give up

It just rolls on and on like a payday in January

Just heavier and heavier on my heart and soul 

Family are grieving, but it’s not the same as it is for me 

Not one bit 

If I was ever honest enough like I am now, about how hard it really is?

I’d break their hearts

I already feel guilt for it

Like I chose this

Like the buffet option was breast cancer and I put it on my plate

Like I put a bid on it 

The higher the price the worse it became

It took everything really 

The carpet from under me and the reality as I knew it 

Not the same walls 

Not the same country 

Not the same company 

Just all new and different 

Can’t go back 

Can’t get back there 

No way back

No way back whatever I tell myself

No new normal

No “normal” at all 

It was caught early they said 

It would be over in six months they said 

Biggest lie 

Biggest scam 

Biggest challenge 

Not just with the medication or the side effects or the loss of my body parts, or hair, or dignity, or relationship, or realising the truth about my friends and family, 

and who is REALLY there but also to keep going 

To carry on carrying on because I had dreams 

I had plans 

I had ideas for my life 

What would you say to me now 

Now you know 

The reality of my heart and mind 

As I struggle to drag my beaten soul from my bed in the morning 

As I walk with tired painful limbs 

Bruised and broken from IV drips and blood tests and my weight going up and down 

Appetite is just done 

Eyes are sore and sting

From the daylight and the online research

Keeps me up at night, my personal insomnia 

All that scrolling through the reality I am faced with 

That group I joined 

That group I am a member of 

The life time membership 

But I’m not done 

I’m not bailing 

I have been loyal since my day dot and I don’t intend on changing that 

Yes my personality has changed somewhat maybe and my humour got darker and my eyes look heavy and my body is slower 

But I’m still here 

Still expecting the sun to shine down on me 

Even through the storms 

Even through the floods

Even through the fear and the pain 

Don’t ever underestimate me 

Or my ability 

I rose from the depths 

I rose from the fatigue

I rose from the ashes

Passing time

I could never ever really tell you the truth 

Not really 

I wanted to but my needs were far below yours 

Hidden under piles of rows and gaslit evenings where I started to lose my reflection 

I would sit in my room and think tonight I will say it but the moment would only roll on by me 

Like the time passing so slowly

I could never grab it and it was always a moment gone 

We met at a time I was becoming 

I was becoming me and it was scary

My past links were present and my confidence had grown 

My clothes were my choice as was my music 

My flat was rented but it was all me 

All mine and all as I had wished and dreamt it to be 

The one before had no front door so this was steps above 

Find the stump

Find the root cause of all this insomnia and pain 

Waking from drained feeling and emotion to start the new day

Emotionally exhausted before I ever start

All you 

All us 

Some true and some not 

Patching over the cracks we had made over and over

Not really sure why 

No regrets just time gone by 

No replay 

No way back 

You can’t change anything 

What’s funny is when I’ve sat in the feeling and searched for the meaning 

I have been met with reality 

Never been on a pedastal for anyone 

Never been someone’s obsession 

Never felt that special 

I half believed it once but I was mistaken 

When given time to really show it they were gone so fast 

The door didn’t even shut 

It’s my way 

It’s how i do life 

But now the blurred image in the mirror is getting easier to see

I see my deep look in those eyes and finally see me 

I want to do life my way and live life properly

I want to meet people who compliment me 

Who mean what they do and mean what they say

I want to have conversations that flow without being on a timer

I want to offload my day without fear of being ignored

I want someone to see my ASD as endearing and ok 

I want to be free to be me and for them to be there as part of my army

The army there to protect and let no one harm me 

To be my cheerleader when I lack confidence

Or to pick me up when I fall 

To know I have been through hell these passed 4 years but it will not be wasted

The lessons will forever be sketched into my memory

I am not looking for complete as I already have that 

I am hoping for friendship loyalty and love

That house on that street 

My own place 

Decorated for me by me

Persistence and resilience are traits I didn’t ever imagine 

But they’ve been my silent companion all this time 

As I look out

At the sea in front of my feet 

As that sea crashes into the coast like it always has 

I breathe in deep and I hold it 

I hold it for what feels like forever 

I close my eyes and I see all the previous year in small pictures in my mind 

Not in any order but all over the vast blank space

I delve into the images and zoom closer into the details 

I can see it all happening again like a rerun

Except this is not a film or a tv series

This is 2024

This was my last year and it hurts to see it 

It hurts to see the reality of decisions that I made 

The people that came in and out of my life 

The times I thought my life was getting better 

To see images days later where it hadn’t 

I can see the people who were mean and rude and toxic

I can see my feelings being hurt over and over

I watch as I cry myself to sleep

There are several of them 

What is my legacy for 2024

Is it to be focused on the pain 

Or the suffering 

Or the let downs

Or is it to be focusing on the strength 

And the ability to push on through 

To get back up each day and fight for my life

Not the cancer but the life 

To push on 

To continue to show up for myself 

To paint on my face get in that car and teach 

Meet people and build a rapport 

Put myself out for others

Even when they didn’t deserve it

These lessons are now scars

They cut me deep and I need to remember the pain 

I need to remember what caused the scars and stop just focusing on the healing 

Remember these people who led you in the dark 

And fcuk off anyone who doesn’t serve you 

Who doesn’t set your soul alight 

Not just bits of serotonin Kim 

I want the fcuking world to explode with it