Time

Tell me about the days when your only worry was getting home in time for CITV

Tell me about the holidays and the sitting in the back waiting on sweets from your Mum

Where you just lived to experience and enjoy the day by day

When waiting on time was OK, when did we get so impatient? When did we get lost in the life trap?

We were just living in the present and the present was living in us and that was OK

Adulting has never felt so difficult

It has never felt so mundane in some ways and exciting in others

Rat run at its best

Keeping up and chasing others and tripping up and grazing knees 

But up you get, brush it off and just keep going

Barely a word, not even a whisper

Just silent betrayal of existence and praying for the next 

Reality through a filter

Drowning in minds’ thoughts that spiral 

Memories poke their head in without invitation

You are in dreams and your old life feels real

But you wake and it wasn’t 

Previous years feel like different people

You see the videos but can’t relate to the person

You see the posing and the nights out and the smiling face but can’t see the deeper hurt and pain 

Scratch the surface and you will see the real deal

Scratch the surface and you will see the portrayal we aspire to

You will see the social media storm that holds us accountable to checking in

You will see the popularity contest of smiles and achievements,

But go backstage

Go backstage and you will see people starving to look thin, people crying because they are lonely, arguing with each other, because it isn’t real love,

Just adding the filters to their lives

Using that setting spray to hold it all together

Booking more cosmetic work to hide the pain they have felt

Fillers and Botox to hide the lost love, or heartbreak

Broke from spending money on things they dont enjoy, to having pictures with people they dont like, to show the world they are living

How can you be busy living if you are always checking in, and posting?

Must look younger, must erase the past, must appear stable must hide age, must filter out the creases in case, must skip the meals, must inject the oxempic, must replace the smile, get new teeth, get new hairlines, get new hair, extensions, face lifts, lash lifts, brow lifts, lip fillers, cheek fillers, boob jobs, bum jobs, must have more weight, must have less weight, must have bigger muscles, must be shredded, must be slimmer, must be taller, must be happier, must stop complaining, must be on a diet, must be happy, must be happy, must be happy… 

Live a life but make sure the pictures show you haven’t suffered, haven’t been hurt, haven’t been ill, haven’t lost family or lovers or jobs or dreams, live a life but appear immaculate.

Fast forward to a 100 years ahead of time, what will our legacy be, a generation that experienced some of the scariest realities but pictures will appear like life had been so easy

Like a filter on the history

The history that never affected us, the battles, the lockdown, the death toll but a perfectly framed picture of people all smiling, perfect teeth, perfect skin, perfect lives 

Life is not a game

I draw a line in the sand

I draw a line in the sand and I tell you this is the divide now 

This is how I’ll separate us from me 

This is how I’ll accept what’s been and take with me what I choose 

This is the last step 

I’m stood there and I’m praying you don’t arrive

I’m praying because to see you would hurt 

To see you would make all this too real

Like it’s not real already 

I take the stick and I start to make a line 

I’ve been overwhelmed for so long now I’m hoping this will bring me relief

I can’t keep up as the memories fall onto me 

From a height they crash down around me

I’m right back in nights out and giggling fits

Our morning rituals and our road trips

The holidays and the tanning and the relaxing 

The sceneries we have etched into our soul over that decade

The anniversaries and the romantic times

The future plans and the world we created

It was just us and we made it last and made it work 

The shadows of grief and arguments and fear are also surrounding the bright skies

I can’t ignore them and I can’t forget the scars they left behind 

It was enough though, that’s what I’d said 

It was enough for me and I was happy with my lot

I wasn’t excited or loved up anymore but I was accepting the fate 

It’s hard to let it go 

I’m stood here now before this line and this weight I have carried however much it’s left bruises and pain; I’m reluctant to let it go

I’m scared to put it down for the final time

Like I know it’s over but I’ve carried it around with me 

Like a little stone in my shoe

I know it’s causing me problems but to stop and resolve it could slow me down or trip me up on this path

I don’t want to be alone 

I hear my mind say

I don’t want to be alone 

But in truth I was alone in that place

I was alone in that bed

We had lost tracks and direction 

We had fallen apart and hadn’t found ways to fix it

We had lost the reasons to try

We were no longer a team but a you and an I 

So I shan’t lose the sleep over the fear of abandonment because I had been abandoned

By her

But also by me

By accepting that fate at that time 

I had accepted the scraps I was given 

That empty plate as I sat there starving 

I darent ask for more

I just took what was offered and stayed silent

I didn’t stand up for myself

I didn’t fight for the love I thought we had

I just softened into the background 

As my skin grew pale and my hair began to fall 

As the chemo took a hold of my body and my health 

As it thrashed itself through my veins attacking all I’d ever worked for 

That vibrancy and life

That smile and that reason to live

Just contrast to a dark room with the dim lights and pale existence fading away

As you took more and more time away from me 

I tried harder to be “normal”

I pushed this pain down and this sickness

Even when my body had become frail and I had no energy I still tried to make it better 

But the fight had been lost

It was like the end credits had been rolling but nobody had told me

Like the audience had walked out and I still thought they were near

But I knew deep down 

I’d always known deep down this could never go the full way 

This could never be forever 

Because that moment appeared more and more 

Those thoughts of I deserve better 

They got louder and louder

So yeah to fear the loneliness is silly

Because I’ve felt alone for years

Even if we shared a name and a house and a mortgage and a life 

I felt alone 

That’s the real T

So I draw this line in the sand 

And I put down the bags 

I let the memories spill out over the line and be submerged into the sand like water on a hot day

I will take the lessons and leave the fear

I will take the moments and leave the shame

I will leave the regrets but take the courage

I will walk away with myself intact

Knowing that I always knew the ending

It was never a huge shock 

But I guess a part of me had hoped it wasn’t true and that we’d get through any knock

But the truth is painful when it ends so much life

When it takes a dream and reality and entwines them 

When it takes energy and gives you back stress

But this line is final

No turning back the pages

No reliving the decisions

Just allowing it to be what it may 

And accepting it all today.