But I know that it felt cramped and uncomfortable
It was like buying your favourite shoes in the wrong size but wanting them so bad you wear them anyway
You hope with time they will stretch and fit around you
This box was my prison
It was a place I had made to fit into
It was a box that was made to suppress
I would sit and watch people in my class and they just did things different
Their ideas and their games seemed pointless
They seemed boring and lame
I guess it was just me I would say
But I would be told I was missing out or I was being difficult
I would be told to join in and play
But I would ask myself, play what?
Kiss chase or dress up or dolls?
I didn’t see the point in all that
It felt pointless and always ended the same way
I had imagination and spirit
I had creativity and passion
These games didn’t make me thrive
But I got in my box and I played them anyway
As I got older I started to feel worse
The games and tiresome efforts to “enjoy” them really took it out of me
I would be drained when I got home
Watching people twittail or lie or bully was a horrid time to be alive
But I learned early on that you bullied or you were bullied and again that box came out
It felt smaller but I got in there and I took part
It was all about validation
To be liked and to be normal
To not stick out or stand up for me but to agree and smile
To take part and be involved
To not meant lonely break and lunch
It was draining and tiring and I looked forward to the weekends
I could do me
Where my own clothes and be my own person
Listen to the music I liked
And the films I wanted
Talk about my interests
You know the funniest thing was the uniform
That was the easiest way for me to fit in
Because we all had the same
Adulting was harder because I didn’t have the uniform anymore
I would wear what I thought and get told off
So I’d wear what they did and get unwanted attention
I was masking so much now I couldn’t tell which face I was wearing
Each friend had a different style and like and music taste
And interests kept changing and people were in relationship and having sex and getting married
And I was at home rummaging through piles of old masks and getting too big for this box and crying
And sometimes it would slip and I would be there for all to see
My personality would thrive and my interests be mine and my clothes be my choice
And I would get looks or get called names
So I’d blame it on the drink
Or say I was hormonal
This box
📦
It kept me banished and suppressed for all of my life
People liked me in it
And got fed up when I got out
It started to dawn on me that my wife liked the box more than me
But I wasn’t the box
That was not me
That was whomever had wanted me to be
I was outside
I was sat down
I was just me
The hair and clothes and the make up- not me
Just that poor little girl being told to never be me
Be what they tell you and do as you’re told
Don’t stand out
Get them to like you
Be like them
Dress like them
Talk like them
Be them
Not you
Never you
Well screw you
I gave it up
I am me now whether they like it or not
Gone are those people who pushed me back in
Who told me to try harder or told me to fit in
Who told me I was weird or that my music choice was shit
Who told me I was strange for not wanting to drink underage
I am me and I am honest and frank and blunt
My tone is unchanged but that’s how I want it
My stories and real and emotion and raw
My memories are painful and hard to ignore
Those people who pretended or hid me away
Will never get to see me and I’ll never say hey
They are gone to me, gone
Like that box I have left
I am me I am ASD
I am here
And I am free
