A button.. an email with words and just like that
The cord is cut that was deeply strained around my neck
The noose they’d tied there years before
The shame I felt as I tried to overrun the hierarchy of bullies, has been laid to rest.
I can still remember the importance this role had for me in the year of 2018. It was the role that would change my working life, build me up with strong resilience and confidence. Enable me to become that lecturer I had always dreamed of being, especially after my previous place had stripped me back and taken its lashes of jealousy and anger out on my skin and my inner esteem for so long.. this place would be the change.
At first it was, the building was iconic and stood tall and proud beside the biggest city, the best city my hometown. It was clean and modern and I was so happy to be there. My commute was always so chill, to do a job you love means you never work a day, right?
But it soon grew old, it soon became overshadowed by full dark grey clouds, which blocked out all of my light, the bullies had started again, with subtle comments and treatments that only those with the sharpest eye could see
It became bigger than me
The days became longer and harder to get through
What was worse was that the students knew too
They witnessed it and heard the comments and they struggled to keep it quiet
I was overthinking so much I stopped eating, my heart raced out of beat for months, these months became years.. walking in on deaf ears, walking in and choking on the tension they created
Isolated and ignored
Ridiculed and wasted
I found comfort in others
There were allies in that place
Such strength which reminded me I was worthy
It was reported and I went off sick
Sick for months
Try it one time
Losing all that you are
All that you had left, my self esteem was so low it was hard to believe I’d ever be ok
And I got better
I worked on myself, I got stronger
And even though my battle was lost I was proud I’d fought at all
Bruised and scarred but not beaten
Not giving up
But of course in life we face challenges
3weeks after returning I found my C
Getting ready for work
There it sat in my body
4months later I was off again
Treatment surgery and more treatment
Fighting with all that strength I’d gained from the time I was off
But today
I ended it all
I closed the book
I’d finished the last chapter
Almost 6 years
Growth and defeat
Progression and loss
Smiles and sorrow
This place was my constant
This job was my dream
It still is
I still think fondly of this place
That building is still so strong
It loses pieces now and then like a tower of jenga
Sadly the best pieces, the structural pieces are those that go
Taken away or towel thrown in
For me it was a ‘no choice’
It was a now or never
It was a have more pride in yourself
It is an unfinished project…
I had carved my ways into the bricks that will remain there forever
I have hopefully left a legacy
And won’t be forgotten
Not for the illness, but for the fight and battles I braved, for learners, for staff and for myself
An era? yes
A sadness I feel? yes
Any regrets? No, I did all I could do with the time I had.
Until next time, Toodle Pip BM3t 👋
