Curiosity killed the heart

I was meaning to write this earlier
but things have a habit of getting in the way
anyway I am here now 
and I shall now type away


So much has changed since before I was typing
so much more has become my focus
I now feel I have a reason to be
and that is something quite new


I wont say just yet what I have in mind as I don't wish to jinx it at all
I will say however that its not the same light or sight or heart anymore that I carry


I decided I would rid all the old and finally let go
and I did this using technology
ridding my number and most of the names and now I feel less cluttered up


For now it is a new sheet of paper 
a blank canvas
i have every color I have ever wanted and they are for my disposal
I am reading a new book getting lost in their lives,
travelling through the words as they intended
not letting people or places or the weather try to drain it


it being the happiness that i feel surrounding my existence
the reality that is here and all around me
the family that i love and wish to shout it off rooftops
the people in my life with their kindness and love
the person i am becoming through the nights and days
the language that is changing as i type away
the rhythm in my writing sounds ever-so skip-pity
ever-so jumpity and happy and go lucky
the sadness is over and that was a chapter I bared well
I tried not to ignore it, i embraced it in case you couldn't tell
I got oh so deep i forgot my way out
although this was the lesson to learn and look at me now


I am still only 5'7'' although i feel much taller
my hair is longer and my eyes seem so much deeper
my soul is alight but with love and want
and I'm grabbing it all with both hands now and not letting anything out my sight


I will have to go now however as i am in the middle of something else
as i said the time is flying and the list is getting longer
new phone, new hair color new attitude new page


new new new


see I knew deep down i had the strength in me
it was just about the finding and the moving through
this amazing journey we call living. 

Little White Lie

sometimes its all we have
sometimes it just the best way to deal with a situation 
it can't hurt they will say
its not hurting anybody




I was just in so much shock
I didnt know how else to react
I didnt mean for those words to fall out of my mouth
but like I say I was just in shock
and even now today
I still feel so -_- about it all
like it was meant to be something easy 




it could change my life
nothing wrong with it now 
but to change it for my childhood dream
or at least a step closer
then yes


so as I said, it is sometimes all we have
all thats left to give
not the truth
but a little white lie
one day you will see this 
and one day you will see why
even my Nan said, its just a little white lie....
what I need to get me by
to get me to that dream up in the sky
something I have wanted all my life
finally starting to climb the steps
to become closer
and wow
I do feel so excited and lucky
and oh god, it better work out right

knowing which direction to take...

the decision cant ever be made by other people

you must learn to shut down your thoughts

letting go of the past is one of lifes biggest challenges

learning how to is one of the biggest achievements

controlling your own feelings is something everybody faces

knowing that a decision will lead to something good - feels great

knowing the wrong decision could lead to bad is just a risk we have to trust in

there is no way back once you choose

i know people who passed away and its so sad

some people who even chose to 

we all have our ideas

we all have our dreams

the trick is to ask people for guidance but choose your own route in the end

if you dont feel sure in your choice, go with it and see where it leads you

at least this way you have tried it and you can put it down to experience and a life lesson

people do walk away from your route

they take the exit and you have no choice but to continue down yours 

sometimes you change lanes, sometimes somebody else does

today i spent most my day sorting through my flat

i was getting bits and pieces ready for my IKEA delivery this tuesday

I was reading through old letters, love letters, penpals, ex -memorabilia and it was nice

it was nice because i sometimes think i forget 

i forget how much i have experienced and how many different paths ive been down

im so thankful to each and every one 

i sometimes think i miss these people 

i sometimes feel frightened of the corner coming up and what it might show me

but i also know that i trust my gut

i have done so well so far

the people have all been great

knowing which direction to take is always tricky

its just a game of luck really

but i do believe there is no wrong choice

they are all as they should be

hope you like the song.... 

felt it fit this blog entry quite well. 

thanks for reading x

how do we ever know

where it is we are going,

where it is we are walking 

what direction our life is headed

if we try hard enough can we drag it our own way

why does it feel like people are stopping you?

how do we ever know the purpose of our lives 

to die having changed something, fought for something, made a difference

at least accomplished some of your childhood dreams

at least made yourself proud

fall in love, start a family, build a career

buy material items, furnish your own place

say "I do" when the moment presents itself

pretty intense you may think for a random Tuesday, 

but this is literally how my brain operates

and how my mind thinks and challenges me day by day

The life I lead is mine, 

It will only ever be mine, 

Whether sharing it with a partner or not, 

I live my life for me

and sometimes I do feel I forget to see

the bigger picture

eyes straining

days changing

finally seeing

blurred visions move into clear ones

and there it is...

My destiny...