Twisted reality

They all bustle on like criminals who have escaped 

The stench of their evenings on their breath

Their eyes are bloodshot from what liquor is swirling around their veins and there speech is slurred

They all clamber into a seat near where I am and continue the nonsensical discussion 

Literally no sense can be made from the slurry of words but the odd profanity or curse

I am staring deeper into the evening through my window, as it starts to cover the sky in dark clouds and spatters of rain 

Oh why did this train have to take so long?

They are starting conversations with victims in their midst and pushing for answers from strangers

They are forceful and unapologetic 

They are still adding liquid to their already overflowing systems and the liver has probably checked out now

The vape fumes fill the carriage with this candy flavoured smoke, the dust and taste hits the back of my throat

I try hard not to cough so no attention is drawn in my direction

Even though, let’s face it I’m sharing a table with two of them

I try to remain calm and passive 

But the lungs need to clear it

I can’t help myself 

It’s like I’m being compressed by weight

*clears throat*

All eyes are on me

I can feel them staring deep into me ready to move all attention 

Stay calm

Gather all of your fave things and bag them up 

You will see then what really matters

And what you leave behind 

The things left behind to ruin are what weigh you down in those moments that you can’t get up from 

Wake up and remember why you try

Hold to the forefront your inner self and how high your self worth is 

Do not dim your light to fit into other people’s life 

Shine bright and own your space

Keep what matters 

Bin what doesn’t

And this is not just about physical belongings

This is the message for it all 

Beats will halt, time is over

I can’t tell you how I’m feeling 

Not in the literal sense

Since that moment I opened the mail to the news I’ve not felt the same

Not a feeling but an existence that is entrenched in memory and utter disbelief

Can’t comprehend the reality that is ever so clear as it’s written in front of me in the doom scrolling of social media

Nothing I say can change it and I am yet to understand how unpredictable life is 

And how ever I feel won’t make a blind bit of difference

To know that it was all taken away in a moment and that time was recorded for eternity

Written into the registers that store the lives gone by 

Not with real sense of the person, but their name residence and age

And hers was too young 

Too young to stop beating 

This heart just beats away quietly in the background, we take it for granted 

Casually keeping us alive with what appears to be effortless

And we just never know 

Never know when our time is coming 

So many films I have seen over years that try to portray this in real time 

The utter devastation left behind as another heart stops, cold

All that promise

All that life just over

We can’t even hold that moment as they have already gone 

All that we have are our memories 

Swarming around us like frustrated flies in the sun 

It still hurts and it still marinates 

It’s soaking up all of my days 

Trying to understand why 

How at 18 again, another life just halts

Stopped in its tracks

My head and mind are just on repeat

Over and over 

Disbelief and shock and sadness 

Then repeat

Bright energy 

Positive soul

Vibrant personality 

Tomorrow is the funeral 

Tomorrow we say goodbye 

RIP LEH 

The real T

Sober in a world that is drunk

I don’t mean in the literal state 

I just mean through its culture and its demeanour 

Living life in a way that pushes norms to this feeling 

This need of euphoria 

Walking through the campsite at 5am this morning 

Seeing the strewn out chairs and bottles 

The cans and big names 

Bombay and bud and somersby 

Knowing that it flew through the veins of several last night 

Knowing that it caused the feeling and brought the dehydration 

That it may have even caused the wrong decisions or the headaches 

Knowing it was once my way of life 

Knowing that would have easily been me

I’d have been there on the front line like the rest

Ordering to get my fix

Drinking to feel better 

To take the edge off

It’s a culture, it’s a way of life

It’s not the danger and not the impact 

But I’ve been through worse

I have seen worse

I have watched the vials get filled and liquid pour in 

I have felt the nausea 

I have felt the panic as my body reacts so unpleasantly 

I have sat with it for days as it swirls through my system 

And this poison was also man made 

But this poison was not alcohol

It was different

It was helping me through the killing of me

Bit by bit 

Cell by cell

It’s like I said 

I’m sober in a world that’s drunk

And that’s not the issue here

I get it

Life is better with it sometimes

But only when you don’t know 

Only when you haven’t seen the reality

behind the curtain 

I can never unsee it 

And I truly hope I never do 

Get off to where?

I got off my chair and ran to someone who looked like the controller

Can you stop I want to get off 

He just stared through me like I wasn’t even there 

He didn’t even care

I was just standing there and he stared 

I said it again 

I want to get off

Nothing 

The rows of chairs were infinite and we were all just sat 

Strapped in 

No let up 

No final loop

Just constant 

I wanted to go home 

I wanted to go home so bad

But to which house

None of them were mine anymore

I had grown up

Moved on and moved out 

We all had

These were just moments in time 

Moments and memories and nothing more 

No getting a bus to merry hill for my Christmas Calendar shop 

No waiting in Halesowen at the bus stop

No final GCSE or last day of summer 

No university or job interview or failed marriage

Just a chair 

Just a chair in a row that didn’t mean anything 

A person sat on it and time ticking 

To get off would be to end it all

To walk away to leave?

To not beat a heart anymore 

To not pump blood

Tirelessly running through this existence surrounded by people also living their only chance too 

No rerun 

No pilot episode 

One shot one opportunity and then 

Flat line

So sit down and make yourself comfortable 

Find the will in your heart 

Find the purpose you desire and run towards it

Don’t look back 

There is nothing left for you there 

Move forward and never look back 

Make each day count 

Make your life spectacular 

Time

Tell me about the days when your only worry was getting home in time for CITV

Tell me about the holidays and the sitting in the back waiting on sweets from your Mum

Where you just lived to experience and enjoy the day by day

When waiting on time was OK, when did we get so impatient? When did we get lost in the life trap?

We were just living in the present and the present was living in us and that was OK

Adulting has never felt so difficult

It has never felt so mundane in some ways and exciting in others

Rat run at its best

Keeping up and chasing others and tripping up and grazing knees 

But up you get, brush it off and just keep going

Barely a word, not even a whisper

Just silent betrayal of existence and praying for the next 

Reality through a filter

Drowning in minds’ thoughts that spiral 

Memories poke their head in without invitation

You are in dreams and your old life feels real

But you wake and it wasn’t 

Previous years feel like different people

You see the videos but can’t relate to the person

You see the posing and the nights out and the smiling face but can’t see the deeper hurt and pain 

Scratch the surface and you will see the real deal

Scratch the surface and you will see the portrayal we aspire to

You will see the social media storm that holds us accountable to checking in

You will see the popularity contest of smiles and achievements,

But go backstage

Go backstage and you will see people starving to look thin, people crying because they are lonely, arguing with each other, because it isn’t real love,

Just adding the filters to their lives

Using that setting spray to hold it all together

Booking more cosmetic work to hide the pain they have felt

Fillers and Botox to hide the lost love, or heartbreak

Broke from spending money on things they dont enjoy, to having pictures with people they dont like, to show the world they are living

How can you be busy living if you are always checking in, and posting?

Must look younger, must erase the past, must appear stable must hide age, must filter out the creases in case, must skip the meals, must inject the oxempic, must replace the smile, get new teeth, get new hairlines, get new hair, extensions, face lifts, lash lifts, brow lifts, lip fillers, cheek fillers, boob jobs, bum jobs, must have more weight, must have less weight, must have bigger muscles, must be shredded, must be slimmer, must be taller, must be happier, must stop complaining, must be on a diet, must be happy, must be happy, must be happy… 

Live a life but make sure the pictures show you haven’t suffered, haven’t been hurt, haven’t been ill, haven’t lost family or lovers or jobs or dreams, live a life but appear immaculate.

Fast forward to a 100 years ahead of time, what will our legacy be, a generation that experienced some of the scariest realities but pictures will appear like life had been so easy

Like a filter on the history

The history that never affected us, the battles, the lockdown, the death toll but a perfectly framed picture of people all smiling, perfect teeth, perfect skin, perfect lives 

Life is not a game