We all like to think

but sometimes it just isn't possible to do it properly
we all like to believe there is more luck coming our way
we all like to hold out for the impossible and the dreamt nights that swoon our minds 
we all like to figure out the wrongs and change them
we all like to feel a regret is justified 
and that if we had our time again we "woulda shoulda coulda" 




We don't hold out grudges for too long because we are starting to learn from our pasts
we don't reckon the heart will hurt as much the next time
we don't think people would lie to us as they have done oh so many times
we remember the whys behind our tattoos as we dust off the shit we are in
we pray to those who left us hoping they have the key to our destiny's


we all like to think that we are all different 
but in the harsh and blunt reality we are all the same in so many ways
and eventually we will accept this and lives will flow a lot more easily
always somebody worse off and always somebody living the high life
always someone you pass by and always someone you are trying to chase


and calm as you catch your breath and watch as the words form with letters as you tap so hard letting this all out
sitting in somebody else's front room as you pour it all out before you forget the point and the direction
and calm as you realise that you are not alone and that the voice you were praying for can be heard
and you fight back the tears as you realise that he is OK and that he is proud 
and that these dreams have all been about the crossroads you have been standing at waiting
waiting for the answers to which way and with what purpose 
and the overwhelming need for this person, your granddad to listen and to hear these words from the clouds as he watches us all


and relief that he is here and that its all OK
finally.... I can breathe 




with the inspiration from my lost life in dreams and the book my aunt gave me by Paul Arden... 

Curiosity killed the heart

I was meaning to write this earlier
but things have a habit of getting in the way
anyway I am here now 
and I shall now type away


So much has changed since before I was typing
so much more has become my focus
I now feel I have a reason to be
and that is something quite new


I wont say just yet what I have in mind as I don't wish to jinx it at all
I will say however that its not the same light or sight or heart anymore that I carry


I decided I would rid all the old and finally let go
and I did this using technology
ridding my number and most of the names and now I feel less cluttered up


For now it is a new sheet of paper 
a blank canvas
i have every color I have ever wanted and they are for my disposal
I am reading a new book getting lost in their lives,
travelling through the words as they intended
not letting people or places or the weather try to drain it


it being the happiness that i feel surrounding my existence
the reality that is here and all around me
the family that i love and wish to shout it off rooftops
the people in my life with their kindness and love
the person i am becoming through the nights and days
the language that is changing as i type away
the rhythm in my writing sounds ever-so skip-pity
ever-so jumpity and happy and go lucky
the sadness is over and that was a chapter I bared well
I tried not to ignore it, i embraced it in case you couldn't tell
I got oh so deep i forgot my way out
although this was the lesson to learn and look at me now


I am still only 5'7'' although i feel much taller
my hair is longer and my eyes seem so much deeper
my soul is alight but with love and want
and I'm grabbing it all with both hands now and not letting anything out my sight


I will have to go now however as i am in the middle of something else
as i said the time is flying and the list is getting longer
new phone, new hair color new attitude new page


new new new


see I knew deep down i had the strength in me
it was just about the finding and the moving through
this amazing journey we call living. 

Little White Lie

sometimes its all we have
sometimes it just the best way to deal with a situation 
it can't hurt they will say
its not hurting anybody




I was just in so much shock
I didnt know how else to react
I didnt mean for those words to fall out of my mouth
but like I say I was just in shock
and even now today
I still feel so -_- about it all
like it was meant to be something easy 




it could change my life
nothing wrong with it now 
but to change it for my childhood dream
or at least a step closer
then yes


so as I said, it is sometimes all we have
all thats left to give
not the truth
but a little white lie
one day you will see this 
and one day you will see why
even my Nan said, its just a little white lie....
what I need to get me by
to get me to that dream up in the sky
something I have wanted all my life
finally starting to climb the steps
to become closer
and wow
I do feel so excited and lucky
and oh god, it better work out right

Up In Flames

Evening
Don't worry, the title is not how I feel it is just the name of my fave song on Coldplay's new album - I adore the album and this track is so relaxing




I am feeling so happy these past few weeks... only bad has been over missing my family as my parents, sister and brother in law are in France until Sunday and I miss chatting to them whenever I want to... truth is they are all so busy with life it wouldn't make a huge amount of difference if they had been here all week.. if I really think about it.


But still... it is just how I am sometimes lol


I was just about to get off and go to bed but I had this thought cross my mind...


I needed to get it down to you... as a record of my findings and acceptance


"&& then you realise all this pain.... was for the smiles you have now.. it was all meant to be this way"


I was let down this evening.. for a reason you would all consider quite valid.. not the new guy in my life no (he is the reason I smile) - no this was somebody else.. and the thing is I could just allow it to go and fall away with the evening, but it is not the first time and it is something I struggle with... I am the kinda person to believe in people, and believe unless they completely prove me wrong to the point of tears and hurt, that they are genuinely nice people and dont mean to let me down continually


Although, speaking to my guy before I came to bed, he may have a point... this person may just not be bothered... 


Not nice no... but is it time I let it go? 
Let it blow away in the cold autumn night?

Hmm.. I don't know.. sleep on it yes? Always leave a decision to the morning.. things always seem better in the morning with a cup of Tetley's tea and mini Weetabix!


Good night people


On with the mad dreams I go... as to add, mine last night have been through my mind a few times today crashing into the walls of my conscious processes... of really old faces from before the days of Uni... what is the meaning of that??




"So its over, this time I know its gone, Salt water, tasted it too long..."


Amazing Lyrics.... COLDPLAY - MYLO XYLOTO