Just Time

Silently she sleeps getting lost in her fantasies
Dreaming of times she would return to in a heartbeat
Watching her life play out
Dreading the moments she hated
The moments that changed her
Faces from those days appear
She is fighting them to wake up
- it doesn't work
Hours go by and images are flashing past her
Those she loved, those who loved her
The arguments and the making up
Wrapped up in time
Time that has been and gone

Passing fields and fields of time
Unable to capture a thing
Tears fill the eyes for the memories
Trying to hold on
Digging nails into the floors of the times she misses
Like falling in love and remembering those kisses
Starting to wake to the sound of alarms
The time that's been starts to fade
Her eyes open
Her heart becomes heavy
She's awake in an empty room
Silence deafens as she tries to remember

Curiosity killed the heart

I was meaning to write this earlier
but things have a habit of getting in the way
anyway I am here now 
and I shall now type away


So much has changed since before I was typing
so much more has become my focus
I now feel I have a reason to be
and that is something quite new


I wont say just yet what I have in mind as I don't wish to jinx it at all
I will say however that its not the same light or sight or heart anymore that I carry


I decided I would rid all the old and finally let go
and I did this using technology
ridding my number and most of the names and now I feel less cluttered up


For now it is a new sheet of paper 
a blank canvas
i have every color I have ever wanted and they are for my disposal
I am reading a new book getting lost in their lives,
travelling through the words as they intended
not letting people or places or the weather try to drain it


it being the happiness that i feel surrounding my existence
the reality that is here and all around me
the family that i love and wish to shout it off rooftops
the people in my life with their kindness and love
the person i am becoming through the nights and days
the language that is changing as i type away
the rhythm in my writing sounds ever-so skip-pity
ever-so jumpity and happy and go lucky
the sadness is over and that was a chapter I bared well
I tried not to ignore it, i embraced it in case you couldn't tell
I got oh so deep i forgot my way out
although this was the lesson to learn and look at me now


I am still only 5'7'' although i feel much taller
my hair is longer and my eyes seem so much deeper
my soul is alight but with love and want
and I'm grabbing it all with both hands now and not letting anything out my sight


I will have to go now however as i am in the middle of something else
as i said the time is flying and the list is getting longer
new phone, new hair color new attitude new page


new new new


see I knew deep down i had the strength in me
it was just about the finding and the moving through
this amazing journey we call living. 

Yesterdays News

Gone are the days of younger
when it all just seemed so much slower
when you would sit in lessons and wonder, why the time crept passed so shyly.


Sometimes it will hit me hard, like a slap around my face
bringing with it the sudden pain and then Ill remain in this for a long time. 
I don't want you again though, if I am truthful about it, I don't want the old same mundane 
I want the new knocks me flying takes my breath away times
You know, like when you are with somebody new and its all a game 
A game you always win, a game you never get bored of, that is until the game ends...


Weekends fly by so much faster than I can remember
Age seems to fall into one big ball of 1 thing and its madness
I don't seem to see how quickly it goes
people are in our lives for mere seconds and then they are gone
just that second of eye contact, the glisten in their eyes, the smile on their face
the swapping telephone numbers, the promising to call, the texting the flirting, the wanting it all
the realising it has already ended, it ended when I walked away, when there was no lingering farewell kiss
just the whispered goodbye, just the hope in our eyes that, that wont be the last time


The always wanting the same old, but realising now its not meant to be 
it was not me back then,
I wasn't filled with glee or happiness just wanting the more and not getting it.


So not letting it get me 
Yesterdays news
it can be so predictable as we all know the end
we all see what happens next and where it leads us
down dark paths, winding streets, flickering lamps in the blistering rain
the wind blowing away the day that's just ending
the moon is out and big and bright and it glistens in the night sky as we all go to sleep
to dream about the days that have been and gone
about the people we long to see again
one day we say as we drift off into our deep sleep, our winding dreams, our wishes and longing 
us remembering being young and those people who no longer say good bye to us being there
grandparents that were once such celebrities in our eyes
the tears that fell and drowned us all when they left us 
the spinning world that just continues
the morning sun creeping through our curtains
the birds singing the tunes we all know so well
the getting up and ready and just carrying on 
working, learning, earning, mourning, missing, grieving, loving, wanting, needing, waiting, wishing, seeing, feeling, being, living, happy 
yesterdays news is something we all see
trying not to be 
too sad when it leaves
when the night ends
pleading with time to stop for us
praying to have one more moment with these people
wishing that you could turn it all around 
seeing it all disappear 
the night becomes a cloud above our heads




Accepting it all just happens
we are all to move on
you cant look backwards much longer
you miss out on all that's today otherwise




Gay Pride was amazing
Laughs were aplenty
Memories are etched in deep into my beating heart


Next stop... 
My Adventure - Germany.... Planning for my future
creating the now 
leaving the before
and looking forward to the after



x

So like,

this is how it should be

not worrying about who i am

not trying to hide it

not being scared of people seeing it 

just being happy

the happiest i have ever felt

in all my life

so like,

I basically accepted it 

what I am and wow 

this is what all you lot had your whole life

and finally im there too

not on the sidelines

not watching through the window

but involved 

in it to win it

funny how long it took myself to accept it

when it took most those i know a couple of minutes

seems ive been digesting it all my life

stumbling upon diary entries since the age of 15

knowing i was who i am but fricking scared of being

Weekend away did me so much good

not ever going to forget it

people surprise you sometimes

knock you over in shock

but in a good way

no more two steps forward one step back

this is it

 Rihanna - "We All Want Love"

&& finally I know where to find it! :D 

Schmmmmack!!!!

& thats when it hit me
threw me across the road with its intensity
the actual true feeling of happiness
none of this fear bollocks - just the good
it slipped on in the room when it felt i wasnt looking, 
but i was so i grabbed it with both hands and ive refused to let go since




life is sooo short, 
its just one of those
i received my donor card after stopping by my parents house tonight after work
and it states clearly that i have registered everything i am to go to somebody else who needs me after i die
and i felt a little emotional
emotional as weirdly now as i type it i feel sad to know i will leave life one day
as at the moment i am having so much fun in it


i was top of my marketing teams stats this month which was an amazing feeling also
its nice to be good at something now and then
- not all the time though- being at the top for too long just gets lonely and boring




in a nutshell, i am very happy in my life 
it does appear that good things come to those that wait :)
I do feel that i experience so much in life as does everyone else
and eventually you get a good hand in it all
i have decided to let myself go 
hes so lovely, gorgeous, funny and just what i've always wanted
sometimes you get scared
sometimes is overwhelming and you think forget it
but i am taking what Patsy Palmer in my fave prog Eastenders said tonight 
sometimes you just need to take the risk
trust him
hes a good one and i wanna keep seeing him






wow, youd think i was getting older with how mature i sound 
.................. oh wait :P
its my birthday next Thursday! :P 

Olly Murs - Oh My Goodness...