not a sound

not a whisper
not a noise at all
not a peek 
not a movement 
not a look that says too much
not a tear 
not a care 
not a fear 
not anything at all
not an us
not a pair
not like each other
nothing there
don't try and fix it
don't say its broken
don't get involved in anything
not happy here
not willing to share
the feelings inside as they have become too much to bare
not a sound 
not a whisper 
not a noise at all

I don't look backwards
I don't look forwards
I just stare
I don't complain
I don't lie 
I don't regret

I need to move onwards
to do so, shed the old stuff
let it all float away
wave goodbye
so sincere
not a pain at all

silently it will fall away
shrivel to become a nothing
take up no time of yours or mine
not be a nuisance or a problem
or an issue you all discuss
whisper about me or near me or of me
have an opinion you plead to share

not a sound I said
not a whisper to be heard 
not a noise at all
nothing is to ever be disclosed
don't share too much
never give it up
never give yourself away
just find that place that brings the smiles 
that brings the happiness
that frees your trapped heart
and live it
even if it means leaving
leaving what you have
with risk comes rewards...
My Nan told me that... 

When it falls

I ask you to listen a moment
this isn't easy for me
I suggest you take a seat and get comfy
I don't want to take too long to explain
but the words don't fall easy
my chest feels tight as I keep it all inside
I don't want to let it out just yet
for you all to see


I wont waste your time here, you'll be glad you listened
that you took the time out here today
When it falls we cant hide it any more
we cant shelter when we have nothing in sight
the lot just hits us and sends us swimming away in the flow
slipped and fallen and not having a moment to catch your breath


Family is so precious
taken for granted all too often
arguments over nothings 
not realising the what ifs
the anger, the hurt, the pain
the missing and the lonely
family to me is everything
but when it falls away
and you aren't speaking 
and you cant stop falling
and its getting dark
and your crying
but they don't know
they aren't even there


Arguments over nothings
that become some things
that destroy everything
that take away the love
that hold onto the grudge
to be let down
to just think its all okay to be this way
if only they knew how they affected others
how they hurt and push it so deep
and how I am sat picking up the pieces so it seems
I want them to just be how they were
how we all were



I ask you to listen a moment
this isn't easy for me
I suggest you take a seat and get comfy
I dont want to take too long to explain
but the words dont fall easy
I want everyone to be talking
everyone to be respectful
to know how its been taken away before
how we have so little grandparents left
that is all I wanted to say today


Never wish your life away... its just too precious... 

Little White Lie

sometimes its all we have
sometimes it just the best way to deal with a situation 
it can't hurt they will say
its not hurting anybody




I was just in so much shock
I didnt know how else to react
I didnt mean for those words to fall out of my mouth
but like I say I was just in shock
and even now today
I still feel so -_- about it all
like it was meant to be something easy 




it could change my life
nothing wrong with it now 
but to change it for my childhood dream
or at least a step closer
then yes


so as I said, it is sometimes all we have
all thats left to give
not the truth
but a little white lie
one day you will see this 
and one day you will see why
even my Nan said, its just a little white lie....
what I need to get me by
to get me to that dream up in the sky
something I have wanted all my life
finally starting to climb the steps
to become closer
and wow
I do feel so excited and lucky
and oh god, it better work out right

Schmmmmack!!!!

& thats when it hit me
threw me across the road with its intensity
the actual true feeling of happiness
none of this fear bollocks - just the good
it slipped on in the room when it felt i wasnt looking, 
but i was so i grabbed it with both hands and ive refused to let go since




life is sooo short, 
its just one of those
i received my donor card after stopping by my parents house tonight after work
and it states clearly that i have registered everything i am to go to somebody else who needs me after i die
and i felt a little emotional
emotional as weirdly now as i type it i feel sad to know i will leave life one day
as at the moment i am having so much fun in it


i was top of my marketing teams stats this month which was an amazing feeling also
its nice to be good at something now and then
- not all the time though- being at the top for too long just gets lonely and boring




in a nutshell, i am very happy in my life 
it does appear that good things come to those that wait :)
I do feel that i experience so much in life as does everyone else
and eventually you get a good hand in it all
i have decided to let myself go 
hes so lovely, gorgeous, funny and just what i've always wanted
sometimes you get scared
sometimes is overwhelming and you think forget it
but i am taking what Patsy Palmer in my fave prog Eastenders said tonight 
sometimes you just need to take the risk
trust him
hes a good one and i wanna keep seeing him






wow, youd think i was getting older with how mature i sound 
.................. oh wait :P
its my birthday next Thursday! :P 

Olly Murs - Oh My Goodness... 

Nothing of any importance

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with it all
That if I continue I might just burst
That I might just show it all and in the end let you down


Sometimes I find it surrounds me like fog and I want it to stay for the company
I want to drag it around with me like a security blanket
Wear it as a coat
Introduce it to you like its an actual being


I don't wonder in the dark as much as I'd like to
I don't act on my thoughts as much as I should
I don't spend too much time thinking about things, if ALL the time is OK
I don't analyse too much - OK now I am lying


I wish I could be lying on a beach somewhere
With those I need around me
With the love obvious 
Holding hands, kissing and just enjoying all LOVE brings 
And then I wake up...




If I could, I'd be so much more
I'd show you all the capabilities of this life I have 
I'd push myself further each day
I'd get that excitement in your stomach when you take a risk
I'd love fast and deep and embrace every moment
I'd savour every last memory and time with that one
I wouldn't throw it to the floor so that it slammed against the concrete
So that it broke into a thousand pieces
Pieces I have been searching for, for years


So long now that I've forgotten what it even looked like
What it even feels like
What it makes you do and want and show and believe in
To believe shows faith
Faith shows trust
Trust shows desire
Desire to be where you want, whatever the cost
Love whoever you want, whatever the opinion of others


Show love to somebody in spite of those who dislike it
Or don't understand it
As I do reckon people dislike in fear
Fear of not understanding
Of not willing to understand
Of not willing to listen and try and see it through different eyes
Eyes that see beauty in each and everyone
However much they try to hide it
Bury it so deep they forget they have it
Forget they had felt it before




Brain travels back to this time last year
So in love and free and full to the brim
Like I could explode in front of you all
Like I could float on my feelings as they were bringing me higher
But it was OK then
I was happy to burst with it
I was happy to burst because I knew she would catch it
Catch every piece of it 
So I didn't lose a drop of it
Drop of Love 
Drop of me 
Part of me
A part of me I'll never get back 

Bye for now -x-

Head Mesh

Banksy. 

What a jingled old mess, I lie here not having left my slumber I fell into last night, and I am overthinking as I sometimes find myself doing... deep thinker, is what I am... I dont plan on making this a negative post today, but I just cant find the words to express it to anybody so I chose you to spill it on..

I am 24, as you may or may not know, and I have recently been struggling with negativity... relationship worries mainly and it has started to become a daily thing... 

Trust what exactly is it?? I once got told, "trust is giving someone the power to hurt you, but trusting they wont" - trusting they wont??? that is an awfully big deal, the power to hurt you??? How beautiful a thought, I was 17 the first time I truly felt betrayed of my trust, and I dont think that 7 years down this rocky old road known as life, it was ever truly mended. 

I mean I can trust, surely... I trust the busdriver everyday on my way to work, that he will get me there safely, that when I ask someone to mind my belongings for a time that they wont run off with them... that when I say I love you, I will have this said back to me, as meaningful as it was leaving my lips as it is theirs.. 

But recently as I state above, this feeling of worry has left a dark cloud above me, and I have spent my days shrugging it off, only to wake with it there again, above my head.. What am I scared of? Why do I feel so paranoid?

I mean karma is a big thing to me, as is the Law of Attraction, so I am perfectly aware that this continued negative balloon I am dragging around with me, is surely my own making... but I am unsure of how to fix it, how to let it go, like the girl in the picture.. how to believe that what I think may happen wont, and that when I trust my partner it will be treasured, and that I will only have what I give in return... 

I state all this clearly I read it to myself as I type, I think about it constantly, but still, that cloud is there, that cloud that dampens my dreams, that ruins my smile, that falls down my face in tears of fear... fear that I know how much it hurts, that I have been here before, that I will fall down again... betrayed and without trust.... 

I do apologise for the deepness of this post today, I just had to say it all, get it out so I can get up and get on... 

Maybe now I have closure... -x-