darkened room

there was this room that I would go to
one which was just a secret
nobody knew about it
and i've never spoken of it before
no one would know it existed and i didn't discuss it 


i would sneak into the darkness and this was where i felt my happiest
the sun wouldn't flood in and i could relax
the silence wasn't a problem this time
it was my saviour
it taught me all i needed to know
it taught me to hear my own thoughts
to listen to my own mind
it allowed me to see how it was 
and i will never forget how much it helped me grow




sometimes i wish i knew how to find it again
tucked behind all these memories that have piled up to the sky
the moon doesn't glow like it used to
the sky seems to have more stars
i used to believe each star was a dead person
when i lost my Nan and my Grandad i would look up and when one shone brighter than the rest 
i would start to talk to them
i was young
death wasn't the thing we knew
it was just a feeling i can never describe
sometimes i still cant get my head around it
it was not something i would talk about 
it hurts others a lot more
but the pain it is my tattoo
the one you cant see
as the ink is the same colour as my skin
n i carry it in my heart
through my every day 


to only see them again
to only ask them EVERY question i've ever mouthed in my mind
to only hug them till it hurt to move
to only tell them how much they have followed me around
and the times that i just believed they were there with me and how they got me through
and how its funny how much i say on here
and how its funny i really trust it
and how its sad that its not a lie that im typing 
and how its just shit how it all goes away
and how i wish to know all there is
and how i want to see so much more
and how i know i am here for more reasons
and this i am sure
and that i know i type with such emotion
but that's just the way that i am
and i hope one day this is my strength and not my weakness 
and it picks me up and helps me pursue
all that there is to see
and all that there is to do


like i say to only see this room again
would not be too soon
to only feel that way i used to
to only be a little girl
to only be riding my bike so fast that id get an adrenaline rush
to only have all my family alive and well
to only cherish and hold every memory for longer than necessary 
to never forget a single moment
to never take anything for granted
to love my parents to the moon and back
and to hate to know it may be one day over
to know that i cant keep it all
to know it has to end one day
someday
maybe not any day soon
maybe not any day at all...


to see them all again 
in that safe place
that place i felt safe
in my darkened room. 

knowing which direction to take...

the decision cant ever be made by other people

you must learn to shut down your thoughts

letting go of the past is one of lifes biggest challenges

learning how to is one of the biggest achievements

controlling your own feelings is something everybody faces

knowing that a decision will lead to something good - feels great

knowing the wrong decision could lead to bad is just a risk we have to trust in

there is no way back once you choose

i know people who passed away and its so sad

some people who even chose to 

we all have our ideas

we all have our dreams

the trick is to ask people for guidance but choose your own route in the end

if you dont feel sure in your choice, go with it and see where it leads you

at least this way you have tried it and you can put it down to experience and a life lesson

people do walk away from your route

they take the exit and you have no choice but to continue down yours 

sometimes you change lanes, sometimes somebody else does

today i spent most my day sorting through my flat

i was getting bits and pieces ready for my IKEA delivery this tuesday

I was reading through old letters, love letters, penpals, ex -memorabilia and it was nice

it was nice because i sometimes think i forget 

i forget how much i have experienced and how many different paths ive been down

im so thankful to each and every one 

i sometimes think i miss these people 

i sometimes feel frightened of the corner coming up and what it might show me

but i also know that i trust my gut

i have done so well so far

the people have all been great

knowing which direction to take is always tricky

its just a game of luck really

but i do believe there is no wrong choice

they are all as they should be

hope you like the song.... 

felt it fit this blog entry quite well. 

thanks for reading x

wandering minds

The first is just some random thought of mine.... written in 10mins, I didnt really think much it just was.
The second is reality.

The news had sunken in, 
family tried to support her through it,
tried to say the things they thought would help it,
this situation wasn't common, 
out of ones depth in worry


For how did this happen they would whisper,
how did this happen to our child,
what could have possibly caused this.


Days scraped on by, 
the pain it caused was felt by all,
the ripped up feelings, such visible wounds, 
The more they thought it,
over and over in ones mind
the more it seemed impossible.


The time had arrived,
for them all to say their goodbyes,
people gathered from all over 
in disbelief, 
in funeral attire,
they all stood to pay their respects..




For people they fall in and out of life,
you appear with a celebration, 
you leave with a celebration,
no one tells you how it will feel,
or how to cope,
there is no book out there with guidelines.




Had you seen me, 
had you felt the pain,
had you watched the tears fall,
would it have changed your mind?


Had you heard the cries, 
had you seen my thoughts,
had you caught my fall,
would it have stopped you?


Would it have made you think,
would it have clutched at your heart,
would it have done a thing at all?
I don't know now,
when I sit alone, 
Calming my heart down 
Picking up the broken pieces
The pieces you created,
The pieces that should have never been...