As I look out

At the sea in front of my feet 

As that sea crashes into the coast like it always has 

I breathe in deep and I hold it 

I hold it for what feels like forever 

I close my eyes and I see all the previous year in small pictures in my mind 

Not in any order but all over the vast blank space

I delve into the images and zoom closer into the details 

I can see it all happening again like a rerun

Except this is not a film or a tv series

This is 2024

This was my last year and it hurts to see it 

It hurts to see the reality of decisions that I made 

The people that came in and out of my life 

The times I thought my life was getting better 

To see images days later where it hadn’t 

I can see the people who were mean and rude and toxic

I can see my feelings being hurt over and over

I watch as I cry myself to sleep

There are several of them 

What is my legacy for 2024

Is it to be focused on the pain 

Or the suffering 

Or the let downs

Or is it to be focusing on the strength 

And the ability to push on through 

To get back up each day and fight for my life

Not the cancer but the life 

To push on 

To continue to show up for myself 

To paint on my face get in that car and teach 

Meet people and build a rapport 

Put myself out for others

Even when they didn’t deserve it

These lessons are now scars

They cut me deep and I need to remember the pain 

I need to remember what caused the scars and stop just focusing on the healing 

Remember these people who led you in the dark 

And fcuk off anyone who doesn’t serve you 

Who doesn’t set your soul alight 

Not just bits of serotonin Kim 

I want the fcuking world to explode with it 

Graveyards and cemeteries

Here lies a person who tried 

A person who really wanted nothing more than acceptance 

Somebody who spent so many years adjusting to lll fitting clothes and people 

Personalities that kept me up at night 

Searching hopelessly in the fallen rain, not a glimmer of light to help as I foraged for signs of hope 

Lights arrived and used solar energy to light up the surrounding earth around our house 

But it didn’t bring real light nor any warmth 

Often with insomnia draining my soul I’d sit out in the open air 

And although unbeknown to me the extent of resentment she carried with her 

I was still able to exist in this broken marriage 

I was scared to really tell her of my fears of dying 

And my fears of losing who I’d spent such a long time becoming 

The woman she fell for, was slowly fading away with each infusion my body received 

The cells inside me were dying 

The health and disease were being boiled alive 

The aches and pains unlike anything I could ever explain into words 

For I was no longer an us 

I was an I and with that lost 

Battling on land I’d never seen before for a life I didn’t recognise 

A life that hadn’t been started 

The happy family drama series had been axed

My marriage cancelled

And my health in tatters 

Like the hair that I found fallen all over my house 

The sullen look in my eyes as I woke in the morning and sat in front of my bedroom mirror which had once reflected smiles and laughter 

Now reflected pain and sorrow

There was no longer a big plan for our future 

For the our was now just a me 

And this room was no longer lived in but sold and belonged to some other family 

And we didn’t sent messages of love and affection but of divorce agreements and money chats

No more football days out 

No more holidays abroad 

No more marking or gaming Sundays 

No more laughter 

No more memories to retell or love cherished moments to frame 

Nothing left

The vows are not forever 

They lasted just 5 years together and 6 as it counts down to the end 

The final lap of our marriage and of our commitment 

Grave stones surround this village 

Buried below are lost loved ones

Married till death does part us

Not me 

Not I

Not with this one 

Grief has become my shadow 

But even in the dark it haunts me 

It strangles the reality out of me 

What I was saw as reality is now merely a dream 

Of a long forgotten life that I used to live

Grief is teaching me the ways of the world 

And I need to listen to the lessons 

Never another day

Never another day like that day I found you please

I can barely fathom the stages it’s so hard to believe 

Never another day like that appointment looming on that treasured final night of the year in 2022

Never another day like that one that took my breath away with it, and the person I was in that moment stopped, and this new one took over 

Never another day like that one before the operation lying in bed knowing you were growing inside me

Never another day like that birthday that felt oh so flat and painful as I caught those tubes on the sofa as I walked away

Never another day like the one I thought she’d not make it to, a taxi and alone for my first chemo but luckily she made it through 

Never another day like that one I realised how bad this was, how sick I felt, and how scared I really was

Never another day 

Never another day like that one when I realised my marriage was truly over and that I’d never return to my job of 6 years, 

Never another day like that one when I sat in my house knowing that would be the last time ever and all those dreams and plans up in smoke 

Never another day like that one I met all those people in that residential stay at the hospital, suffering with awful tumours and learning of the life they so very much hung on to 

Never another day

Never another day like the times I’d catch my reflection and think how did I get so sick, so pale and so bald

When did I become a long term patient 

Never another day 

I can’t keep up with the days and weeks and months that have been before me as I sit typing this 

I can barely process the angst, the tears and the loss of so many parts of my previous life

My previous life where for granted was so real, time seemed endless and future planning was my hobby 

I have changed forever and in some ways I’m so glad I have 

Too many months of real unhappiness, needed a reason to end them 

Needed a reason to leave 

My situation was not serving 

My life was not enough 

I can remember the reaction when I spoke those words, “I will never be the same again, I won’t be returning to normal…” never a truer statement 

Forever changed 

Never another day of that woman, this life started in that moment on that Friday afternoon, 10th Feb 2023. 

Never another day wasted 

Never another day taken for granted 

Never another day of unkindness to myself, or blame… as 2024 people say “it is, what it is”  

Like this

It hasn’t always been like this, has it?

It seems if I really focus it has 

Maybe there were times I wasn’t this way but too few to remember 

I know it wasn’t the same with the serious one though 

The one I’d committed to

Not at first

Because she was so different 

What do people even talk about these days ?

I know I can fill an empty space and fill it with pointless nonsense 

Is that what communication looks like?

Is that what I’m looking for or should hold out for?

Can it not just be the looks?

I think I know it can’t as that’s not worked 

The looks far outweigh the person 9/10

And I don’t need the personality with my brain 

Like AI I just make it up

I put everything I like into one big bowl and mix it up

I spend time without consciously noticing the invention I am working on

So that when I do chat with them I’m so sure that minds creation links I lose the boundary

I can’t see the line between the reality and the fiction 

And I say I don’t like fiction?

Well maybe because I envelop people so deeply rooted into this interactive universe 

One they didn’t ever enter

But one I can never leave 

So to put my theory to the test 

An app without pictures 

Just personality 

Love is blind or should be 

To be shallow is not my choice 

But my pattern to be so hyper focused on the exterior 

I mean jeeez who ever said don’t judge a book by its cover

Seriously had multi meaning to that cause 

Neck sprain

For the neck sprained and it caused me pain 

It caused the deepest pain imaginable

It kept me in one place 

Forged shut and without support 

I could no longer sit quietly and watch people pass by

For I could not watch them leave or be their shoulder should they cry

This neck paralyzed me in this moment and would not let me go

No painkiller released me 

No sleep rested me 

Tortured souls enveloped me as I tried all night to switch off

But in a disarray woken up I was

Startled by the earlyness of the hour

As my pain overtook my breath 

It controlled my head and I could not shake it 

I could not shake it as I couldn’t move 

Yet i remain hopeful 

I can feel the day upon me

The blueness in the sky

The love surrounds me and lifts me high above this shit

I will be patient 

Accept that I sometimes need to relax 

Let this time be unwasted 

And so I’ve landed

Today I landed 

I landed somewhere I’d never landed before

The unfamiliarity felt familiar

I didn’t panic and I didn’t stutter

I found my route out and I type this from a seat on my last but one part of my journey

I spent all my life looking for the familiarity 

For the smile that made me feel safe and protected

I have smiled at the wrong people 

Those people abused me 

They used me and they spat me out

I have rebuilt my personalities and dissected the scars from the pools of wastage on the floor

But still I have them

Those scars might have faded now but they will remain there forever

Like a continuous reminder of battles I fought 

I might have been injured in them but I am still here

Not seen like a hero though 

I’m not on any tv show

I didn’t admit to the reality of those times 

I don’t even tell myself 

Smiles are easy to do 

But they don’t mean anything 

Look into the eyes

That is when you will see the real truth

For people can’t hide the truth in those

I had this way of watching people 

Years of befriending the enemy made me feel check 

Focus in and see what’s there

Not what I want to see

But the realness

You know that moment a bulb goes

Say a set of three lights and one goes pop

At first it’s like it’s gone dark

Even though there’s two left 

For that initial shock and that initial bang 

You could argue it’s black out 

But you adjust 

You get used to it

It may not be the same but it still kind of does the job

I mean 2s better than 1 right?

Nothing prepares you

Nothing can prepare you for that first session 

Infusion 

Whatever you want to dress it up as 

The reality? It’s chemotherapy 

It’s been selected based on grade, type and stage

It’s a concoction of liquids 

like making potions as a child in the bath; using all your mums expensive Avon selections

But in this case, it’s plain old poison and it’s job is to be syringed directly into my vein and flung about my body, killing all that it sees 

Cancer cells, healthy cells

It’s not picky 

It doesn’t care

My first session was not easy

I’d been alone the night before

Tears down my face as I realised later but at least it happened that in that dark moment in which I was home alone 

Partner soon to be ex out drinking and two cats by my side like security 

That I would only have myself to rely on throughout

That this treatment was going to ruin me but that I needed to keep calm for myself

You have bloods taken several days before to check you are healthy enough to go ahead

As soon as that stuff starts entering you; your body really hasn’t known anything like it

I had a picc line so that meant that my first four infusions known as EC would not damage the veins or cause burns on my skin

No I’m not joking…

So imagine I’m there with all this stuff you read about needing 

Huge bag known as my chemo bag

Full of books and sweets and my iPad you know? Like it’s some day out 

2litre bottle of water ready to chug as that’s important to ensure you pass urine before you leave that day

I choose my chair like you do in the cinema 

Except this is completely different 

No thriller or romcom for me today

My nurse was amazing 

I mean they all were but the first nurse became my rock 

She got me with all my tisms and blank moments she understood

They fit my line and start with fluids and anti sickness and everything else you can imagine as a precaution to my reactions and allergies

Then a hospital staff member arrives with a bag 

Full of the days meds 

We have different colours for different types 

This room seems to fill up quickly each seat is taken 

The enormity of people affected has never really been easy to see

Mine was here

I confirm my name my NHS number and my DOB, it feels surreal that at 36 I was experiencing this

There was never a subject in this

No lessons like swimming or driving 

No way of preparing mentally or emotionally

You want to make a joke but the jokes on me 

You want to run away

You want it to be a sick April fool that went wrong 

But it’s none of these things

It’s attached to this device and this pole on wheels is attached to me

The saving grace is that my nurse gets to stay with me

Four syringes of the Red Devil and four syringes of the one that felt like I was drowning

She talks about everything 

I try and hide my fear but she can see it

It’s a large tube for the syringe and it’s going in 

Weird to see this line hanging out of your arm 

Knowing it’s deeply embedded in a vein leading directly to my heart

Being pumped around with my hearts beat

Slowly at first and calmly it starts entering

My fear of blood seems laughable now

I don’t know where to start with the fears I could now list

Watching this red liquid enter my body 

Unforgettable

Pink box near me incase I react

Incase my body goes into shock at the audacity

How am I someone who was so healthy and happy

Experiencing this 

What the hell is life

Why me?

Why us?

Too many people

All ages

Not picky this C

I did react

Nausea was horrific at home

You sit in your head thinking what the hell is my body going through 

How is this even real

1 of 8 and I never want to go again 

The smell of the ward

Brings back the fear

Was in hospital several days later

All these meds and injections to follow

To be done by yours truly

But we don’t moan 

We don’t complain 

We don’t even react as it’s causing us sickness 

We do cry when alone

That’s what I’d do

I’d hug my body close and apologise under my breath

Apologise that my body let this in

That my body didn’t notice the signs

That this cell was a fake 

But it was too late

This was my path

This is my path

This path never ends

Station stops throughout life

But like they say with childbirth 

You never forget

It never goes away

The staff will stay with me forever

And unlike that child birth

We aren’t gifted with a baby

We are gifted with a bit more time 

And we hope there is no next time 

We spend our life hoping  

Three generations

Three generations 

All under one roof

All living out lives

All avoiding the bumps

The bumps in the roads as they endure life

The bumps in the road that bring along grief

The bumps in the road of mixed up feelings 

Of health outcomes

Of love loss and pain 

Three generations 

It ends with me 

I can’t reproduce or continue this line 

It was never my destiny 

But I think so hard

About those above me 

About the generations that had bad days

And how they continued to breathe

I think about the lives they may have led

And how hard it might have been 

Of losing loved ones young 

Of battling through adversity

Of the constant house changes

The constant school changes

The new girl narrative

The long walks to school

The tough lessons in different times

Being out late and hitchhiking home

To not being allowed out at all

To being evacuated

To living far away from home

To running down that field behind that unfamiliar place

And watching the trains as they passed by

Waving and crying 

Missing and hoping

Life being so unsettling

Three generations 

All under one roof

Each with a story

And each with a book

Each with its hard times

And each with its tough lessons

Each with its loss 

Each with its first love

And some with its last

Grief and pain and despair

But all still here

Never gave up

Kept the fight for life

Brought into the world the next life

The next generation

That ends with me

Strong women 

Never walked from a fight 

Never gave up any battle

Lived and loved life

I will carry the lessons learned

I will stand proud and tall

And although I won’t pass it on 

I will not let it fall

To the waste side 

To be forgotten 

It will forever exist

Through the stories 

The memories

And our hard fought fights for life 

Navigate 🧭

I talk about you more

Remember our little things 

The things only we knew 

Angela rayner from redditch 

The cat lingo 

Our little ways, the love language we had embedded into 8years

Never did make it to 10 did we 

I always thought we’d make it to forever 

That was before we changed 

Before life threw the curve balls

They didn’t curve our life though did they 

Came flying at us, at a rate

A rate of knots

Took us out thrown into the abyss

Winded for months 

The agony and pain never did heal properly 

Sealed but never the same 

Healed but never the same feeling 

Numbed in parts 

The eyes didn’t glimmer 

Not like they used to 

They had dulled out 

We didn’t trust anymore 

The hugs weren’t as deep as they once were 

The safety had gone 

The forever had ended 

The love was lost 

All before my news 

All before my news deepened the loss

Spread the love thinner 

Less to try for 

I’d never be me again 

Not the me you’d met in Starbucks 

You’d never be that woman I had met 

The one I tore my walls down for 

Bared it all for your eyes

For you to disregard me in years to come

I don’t know where my walls are any more

They got destroyed in the storm that took with it the possessions 

The memories torn off the walls like rubble 

Pictures that told stories 

That captivated smiles and laughter 

So many sunsets had we witnessed 

In our loving embrace 

So happy to have found each other 

Told the story of our love 

The impossible match 

The excitement of dates 

The safety all wrapped up in you 

I hung on to your every word 

I got lost in your eyes

Did anything to make you smile 

Changed my whole life for you 

So yeah I’m talking about us more these days 

I’m telling the stories as the pain begins to soften 

For I have grieved for so much 

This past year or more has been so difficult 

But without you by my side 

It’s taken some time 

Time to adjust 

I’m still learning my own path 

My own direction 

There is only one set of footprints now

And I know sooner rather than later, I will stop looking for yours …. 

Tom, may you rest now

What can I tell you about my step grandad

Let’s remove the step first of all

For he lived in my life longer than Taid so I feel that title should change

Memories of Tom have been falling into my mind

Those from my childhood and older

Of seeing him last Saturday after such a long time 

To being with him in France as a youngster

From memories of his dogs Jaffa and Gater

To the portraits of us as kids and from weddings

From his love for scrabble and always winning 

Of enjoying red wine

Of eating more and mopping the plate with bread

To saying nothing at dinner other than a burp

From hating adverts on tv that be muted the sound

To spending time in his studio at the top of the house

Silently creating art with such detail and heart

Of people I knew well or of those I’d never met 

Tom was sarcastic in nature

Quick witted with his responses

So quick on his feet that he would catch you off guard

With his funny comments and his little laugh

More like a smirk or smile as he wound up my Nan 

For this, for him was endless fun

Whether admitting to being an Eastenders fan, or sitting for hours doing his sudoku 

Tom was intelligent and had lived such a long full life

89 years 6months of pure talent and creations

Whether through watercolour or built

Barns and studios and anything else

Well travelled and able to speak languages

So many stand out cars

The yellow one being my favourite

Commenting on my driving speed being slow, needing to save my money, to liking my written work and suggesting publishing it

Looking after me when I was younger 

Being found fast asleep together 

His favourite cereal being Jordan’s granola

Tanning well on holiday 

Remember when that large sun canvas landed on my head?

Or us not seeing eye to eye?

We were able to openly talk and disagree 

You loved ice cream 

You always had seconds if you could

You were always smartly dressed

For that pipe that you smoked, and sitting there in tweed

Your hat sat proudly.. peaky blinders style 

You had good taste in programmes

You loved my Nan 

You made her happy for all this time 

I will miss your presence

Because even with your lack of hearing or involvement in every conversation 

You always gave me time 

Even last Saturday 

You smiled when you saw me 

You listened to me

You hugged me and I said I would see you soon 

That next time we’d talk more

Your advice and ideas will not be forgotten 

I will do what I can to keep you alive in my world and heart

I will not forget about you 

You were my grandad 

I do hope you can rest and heal 

In peace 

I hope the adverts are gone where you are 

Plenty of wine and chocolate 

And just like that

It is crazy to think that with a send it is all over 

A button.. an email with words and just like that 

The cord is cut that was deeply strained around my neck 

The noose they’d tied there years before 

The shame I felt as I tried to overrun the hierarchy of bullies, has been laid to rest. 

I can still remember the importance this role had for me in the year of 2018. It was the role that would change my working life, build me up with strong resilience and confidence. Enable me to become that lecturer I had always dreamed of being, especially after my previous place had stripped me back and taken its lashes of jealousy and anger out on my skin and my inner esteem for so long.. this place would be the change.

At first it was, the building was iconic and stood tall and proud beside the biggest city, the best city my hometown. It was clean and modern and I was so happy to be there. My commute was always so chill, to do a job you love means you never work a day, right?

But it soon grew old, it soon became overshadowed by full dark grey clouds, which blocked out all of my light, the bullies had started again, with subtle comments and treatments that only those with the sharpest eye could see 

It became bigger than me 

The days became longer and harder to get through

What was worse was that the students knew too

They witnessed it and heard the comments and they struggled to keep it quiet 

I was overthinking so much I stopped eating, my heart raced out of beat for months, these months became years.. walking in on deaf ears, walking in and choking on the tension they created

Isolated and ignored

Ridiculed and wasted

I found comfort in others 

There were allies in that place

Such strength which reminded me I was worthy 

It was reported and I went off sick

Sick for months 

Try it one time 

Losing all that you are 

All that you had left, my self esteem was so low it was hard to believe I’d ever be ok 

And I got better 

I worked on myself, I got stronger

And even though my battle was lost I was proud I’d fought at all

Bruised and scarred but not beaten 

Not giving up

But of course in life we face challenges 

3weeks after returning I found my C

Getting ready for work 

There it sat in my body 

4months later I was off again 

Treatment surgery and more treatment 

Fighting with all that strength I’d gained from the time I was off 

But today 

I ended it all

I closed the book 

I’d finished the last chapter

Almost 6 years 

Growth and defeat 

Progression and loss

Smiles and sorrow 

This place was my constant 

This job was my dream 

It still is

I still think fondly of this place

That building is still so strong 

It loses pieces now and then like a tower of jenga

Sadly the best pieces, the structural pieces are those that go 

Taken away or towel thrown in 

For me it was a ‘no choice’

It was a now or never 

It was a have more pride in yourself 

It is an unfinished project…

I had carved my ways into the bricks that will remain there forever 

I have hopefully left a legacy 

And won’t be forgotten 

Not for the illness, but for the fight and battles I braved, for learners, for staff and for myself

An era? yes 

A sadness I feel? yes

Any regrets? No, I did all I could do with the time I had.

Until next time, Toodle Pip BM3t 👋 

As the day falls

What is left to collect

Like a party full of guests a table full of glasses

Tell me what to clear away

Tell me what to get rid of 

The place used to look so white and clean 

These days it’s stained in a colour I cannot shift

A life that’s been and left pain all over the place

A life that was reeling happiness and potential is now struggling to breathe in the waves of the sea

Such a long time 

Memories spilling over the sides 

Continuously drowning my hopes and dreams with moments in time 

Moments I cannot seem to shed 

Shed so that I can re build 

Telling everyone you met that you were a fraud 

A fake it till you make it but fake it forever type person 

Like you could never step out of place

That it must have been me 

When it’s written all over your face 

Etched in like a tattoo 

You told me you were happy 

You told me that we would be ok 

You told me that it was forever

When I got the news you told me in sickness and in health 

Cancer they said 

As I stared into the blankness as my mind looked for the words

Cancer

In my breast 

For a while

Surgery and treatment 

The mat was pulled from below me 

I could barely make eye contact

But you told me you would be there 

As I say numbed like anaesthetic 

You told me you would be there 

I believed you 

I trusted you 

But you left me 

You left me alone so much 

I blamed myself for the C

I tried so hard to be attractive 

So hard to be me 

The me before this took over my body

Took over my health 

Took over me 

As the days fell

So did our relationship 

Our wedding day memories became foggy

The promises we made on holidays 

As we flew into new countries

As we decorated houses

As we created our life 

Cancer just took it all

All your promises

All our plans and future wishes

I lay here 

My mind searching through the years of moments 

Moments of happiness and joy

Moments of heartbreak 

Moments of triumph and achievement

Moments of despair 

As we lay it to rest

Divorce on the horizon 

All those stages of trying to create a unit

A unit that crumbled

A unit that died

When is it enough?

Take away my sanity and leave me be 

Take away my filter and let me bleed

Don’t try to stop this rage you see forming 

Let it spill over and drown my surrounding 

Let me cry until I’m sick 

And when I’m sick let me cry again 

For all this trauma has left a feeling 

A feeling I cannot shift

It weighs me down like heavy shopping 

I’m starting to wonder what I’m even carrying 

Put down the bags and go through it all

Get rid of that, which doesn’t serve me 

That curbs appetite or causes sickness

Check dates and ask how long I really have 

Will I even want it when the time comes 

Choose what I like not what they say I should

Then condense it

10 bags become 5 bags become 1

Stand up and look at all that baggage I didn’t need

Those feelings that did not relate to me

That behaviour was not my fault

My illness was not my doing 

As I leave the store of my life 

The existence I have observed and witnessed has been overlooked at times 

Some of the hardest memories swarm me at nights I cannot sleep 

The treatment I have endured was the making of me 

Through that line pumping poison around every inch of my body came gratitude and clarity 

It opened my eyes to realities I had ignored

It made me choose me 

The days I felt like I was fading away 

So pale I was barely seen or recognised 

The comfort and securities of life packed up and left 

I was left in pain I could never write 

My body was fighting whilst being fought 

I was drowning whilst helplessly blowing up armbands 

I will never forget the smell, or the sensation of chemo entering my once healthy body 

The insomnia and pain 

The inability to do anything 

So now I walk away with my bag 

Only what I need 

Life is all about only what you need 

Mortality is real 

Life will end

What do I really need 

What should I really carry 

What serves me 

What enlightens me 

What helps me see the calm through a storm 

Healing when broken 

The light when lost 

Me 

It was always me

And only in that moment of my diagnosis 

And only in that moment of scans 

Lying in mris, rts or ct machines

Veins being pumped with dyes and poison and antibiotics

Injections daily 

Medications so high it was endless

It was me 

I kept going 

I didn’t give in 

I had to talk myself into every round 

It was always me 

Stop the whirlpool

How do I stop the flowing of agonising thoughts from spinning around my head?

Why do I carry such luggage around?

Where am I planning on staying?

I lay here and I still hit the wall with the complete unacceptable reality that has played out for me over 12months 

Even longer if I am honest 

What happened? When did I stumble on the hornets nest?

What did I do to end up here?

I had a marriage, I had my health, I was doing well at work 

We had found our forever home 

But that place saw the demise

The demise of my life as I knew it 

It all crumbled away like an old wooden shed 

It had been rotting for years

But I hadn’t seen it 

I barely visited it 

Didn’t take care of it

The paint was never going to cover up the damage that was spreading 

I cry tears of salt as I struggle with it all 

Stages of grief aren’t easy 

Such solace 

Such sadness 

Such an earthquake 

But this time, we didn’t survive … 

Won’t forget you

So I came to sort my meds but I’ve grabbed a coffee too 

I had your choice of drink and some cake like you would, too 

I was quite ok but then I heard your song and in that moment I could have cried 

I look around this shop and I’m hit with memories 

Which is strange as we’ve never been here 

You hated shops but would have liked this one 

Lots of aisles but very quiet

It reminds me of the trips we had getting garden furniture 

Or the times we went crazy for Xmas dinner 

All those moments and conversations

Getting excited by buying for our houses 

New towels and supplements 

Shower gels and deodrants

It feels surreal that we are at this junction 

That it collided and ended all of a sudden 

It actually hurts to think of life without you 

But I know that it’s started and that’s the way it’s become 

I would always have you to answer my questions to give me guidance and advice and patience 

But with that no more it feels quite lonely 

Dying our hair and choosing the dinners 

Diets and adulting 

It was so fun 

The early days the best 

The memories flow by and tears fall down 

Because I know that was over for a long time

We became tired and same old 

We struggled to find smiles in the queues

We avoided time out at all costs 

Stayed in and had it delivered was the decision we lived with 

It took away the excitement of buying 

Of being together and coupling 

For the chats about plans and our future 

Became silent and left with barely a mutter 

The laughing and flirting became Netflix and chill

The gaming took over our time at will

It became the new normal and harder to find the path back 

For the more we carried on the more we forgot

The dates flew by and the passion went stale 

The passion for us and creating our fairytale

Instead it was screens of distraction 

Followed by grief and horrific diagnosis 

The treatment took away the dignity 

The pain took away the fancy 

So I sit here and remember all of the fun 

The absolute complete that I had felt 

That we created a home from a white walled building 

To have a house with boxes and bags in 

The life and soul had left the party 

It had left behind a white noise so nasty

That it left us hurt and scared and lonely

And with nothing more than the thoughts that I type now

The cuddles and comfort are no longer 

The sale of our house is ever nearer 

The rings are in boxes away from the sunshine 

And our love ended 

There’s no more to say now 

For the things I never said

When I look back at the series of memories that fall into my lap 

I see the tears that I had hidden 

I see the sadness in my eyes as you explained why you had lied to me about something to do with this or that 

I see me struggling to accept the door that you continually shut in front of me 

As I put a glass to the door forcing my ears to hear 

Pick up any sound it could muster 

Only to not understand the noises 

To be unable to create the words you both muttered 

To be left out of your important conversations hurt 

I will never forget the torment and confusion you caused me that day I came back home 

To see my personal battles all strewn out on the floor 

And to listen to your disturbed disgusted voice and tone belittle me in my place 

You had been through my things, my personal struggles and written encounters with the confusion and isolation my sexuality had created 

That feeling of not knowing the language I spoke 

To find yourself scrawling out messy words

But for you to just mock me 

To find myself having to apologise for what and who I was 

The girl I had been 

Was the most cruelest example I can remember and one I hate to remember at all 

What did I think I was doing 

Did I think that letting you drag your nails through my past, and look down at me for the words I’d muttered into pages 

Times of my life that I needed to understand 

And by finding courage in either typing or writing 

For you to put me down like that 

No forgiveness will ever reach me for that 

Poor young girl 

Poor young girl looking for guidance and direction from the damaged lot 

From the absent, from the hollow soul of others 

I can see her now 

I can see her on her knees 

Piling up the most innocent, yet tragically honest words into a carrier bag, ready for the rubbish  

Apologising for being who she was 

Crying and begging you to stay with her, be with her

Early days but such painful times 

Such hard realities to revisit 

Red flags were not a thing back then 

We never used those terms 

We didn’t see the beacon of light flashing as we made the mistakes 

Blinding us until our eyes were streaming from the light 

And I don’t blame myself now 

I don’t hold a grudge 

I accept the naivety and the innocence and the trust that I went into all that with 

It may have been dark but I thought my torch would light the way 

I didn’t see the walls around me as I focused on the floor 

The written warnings all around me 

Of people before me 

I didn’t see the tell-tale signs of difference and non compatibility 

I just saw the rocks and stones and stained floors 

I trusted the love bombing 

I trusted the guide 

She convinced me 

She made me believe 

Believe in the unproven non-real world 

The doomed fairytale 

But that doesn’t mean I feel nothing 

No that would be me lying 

For that may have been the start but it wasn’t the middle 

And we approached so many hurdles and helped eachother through the hardest level of assault course I’d ever experienced 

We did that 

But in the end 

Our truth was reignited 

Our days were numbered 

Our time had ended 

For all the things I never said 

I carry no regret 

I see lessons learned 

And a second chance 

A second chance to go out there and try again 

Try again