And just like that

It is crazy to think that with a send it is all over 

A button.. an email with words and just like that 

The cord is cut that was deeply strained around my neck 

The noose they’d tied there years before 

The shame I felt as I tried to overrun the hierarchy of bullies, has been laid to rest. 

I can still remember the importance this role had for me in the year of 2018. It was the role that would change my working life, build me up with strong resilience and confidence. Enable me to become that lecturer I had always dreamed of being, especially after my previous place had stripped me back and taken its lashes of jealousy and anger out on my skin and my inner esteem for so long.. this place would be the change.

At first it was, the building was iconic and stood tall and proud beside the biggest city, the best city my hometown. It was clean and modern and I was so happy to be there. My commute was always so chill, to do a job you love means you never work a day, right?

But it soon grew old, it soon became overshadowed by full dark grey clouds, which blocked out all of my light, the bullies had started again, with subtle comments and treatments that only those with the sharpest eye could see 

It became bigger than me 

The days became longer and harder to get through

What was worse was that the students knew too

They witnessed it and heard the comments and they struggled to keep it quiet 

I was overthinking so much I stopped eating, my heart raced out of beat for months, these months became years.. walking in on deaf ears, walking in and choking on the tension they created

Isolated and ignored

Ridiculed and wasted

I found comfort in others 

There were allies in that place

Such strength which reminded me I was worthy 

It was reported and I went off sick

Sick for months 

Try it one time 

Losing all that you are 

All that you had left, my self esteem was so low it was hard to believe I’d ever be ok 

And I got better 

I worked on myself, I got stronger

And even though my battle was lost I was proud I’d fought at all

Bruised and scarred but not beaten 

Not giving up

But of course in life we face challenges 

3weeks after returning I found my C

Getting ready for work 

There it sat in my body 

4months later I was off again 

Treatment surgery and more treatment 

Fighting with all that strength I’d gained from the time I was off 

But today 

I ended it all

I closed the book 

I’d finished the last chapter

Almost 6 years 

Growth and defeat 

Progression and loss

Smiles and sorrow 

This place was my constant 

This job was my dream 

It still is

I still think fondly of this place

That building is still so strong 

It loses pieces now and then like a tower of jenga

Sadly the best pieces, the structural pieces are those that go 

Taken away or towel thrown in 

For me it was a ‘no choice’

It was a now or never 

It was a have more pride in yourself 

It is an unfinished project…

I had carved my ways into the bricks that will remain there forever 

I have hopefully left a legacy 

And won’t be forgotten 

Not for the illness, but for the fight and battles I braved, for learners, for staff and for myself

An era? yes 

A sadness I feel? yes

Any regrets? No, I did all I could do with the time I had.

Until next time, Toodle Pip BM3t 👋