As I look out

At the sea in front of my feet 

As that sea crashes into the coast like it always has 

I breathe in deep and I hold it 

I hold it for what feels like forever 

I close my eyes and I see all the previous year in small pictures in my mind 

Not in any order but all over the vast blank space

I delve into the images and zoom closer into the details 

I can see it all happening again like a rerun

Except this is not a film or a tv series

This is 2024

This was my last year and it hurts to see it 

It hurts to see the reality of decisions that I made 

The people that came in and out of my life 

The times I thought my life was getting better 

To see images days later where it hadn’t 

I can see the people who were mean and rude and toxic

I can see my feelings being hurt over and over

I watch as I cry myself to sleep

There are several of them 

What is my legacy for 2024

Is it to be focused on the pain 

Or the suffering 

Or the let downs

Or is it to be focusing on the strength 

And the ability to push on through 

To get back up each day and fight for my life

Not the cancer but the life 

To push on 

To continue to show up for myself 

To paint on my face get in that car and teach 

Meet people and build a rapport 

Put myself out for others

Even when they didn’t deserve it

These lessons are now scars

They cut me deep and I need to remember the pain 

I need to remember what caused the scars and stop just focusing on the healing 

Remember these people who led you in the dark 

And fcuk off anyone who doesn’t serve you 

Who doesn’t set your soul alight 

Not just bits of serotonin Kim 

I want the fcuking world to explode with it