For the things I never said

When I look back at the series of memories that fall into my lap 

I see the tears that I had hidden 

I see the sadness in my eyes as you explained why you had lied to me about something to do with this or that 

I see me struggling to accept the door that you continually shut in front of me 

As I put a glass to the door forcing my ears to hear 

Pick up any sound it could muster 

Only to not understand the noises 

To be unable to create the words you both muttered 

To be left out of your important conversations hurt 

I will never forget the torment and confusion you caused me that day I came back home 

To see my personal battles all strewn out on the floor 

And to listen to your disturbed disgusted voice and tone belittle me in my place 

You had been through my things, my personal struggles and written encounters with the confusion and isolation my sexuality had created 

That feeling of not knowing the language I spoke 

To find yourself scrawling out messy words

But for you to just mock me 

To find myself having to apologise for what and who I was 

The girl I had been 

Was the most cruelest example I can remember and one I hate to remember at all 

What did I think I was doing 

Did I think that letting you drag your nails through my past, and look down at me for the words I’d muttered into pages 

Times of my life that I needed to understand 

And by finding courage in either typing or writing 

For you to put me down like that 

No forgiveness will ever reach me for that 

Poor young girl 

Poor young girl looking for guidance and direction from the damaged lot 

From the absent, from the hollow soul of others 

I can see her now 

I can see her on her knees 

Piling up the most innocent, yet tragically honest words into a carrier bag, ready for the rubbish  

Apologising for being who she was 

Crying and begging you to stay with her, be with her

Early days but such painful times 

Such hard realities to revisit 

Red flags were not a thing back then 

We never used those terms 

We didn’t see the beacon of light flashing as we made the mistakes 

Blinding us until our eyes were streaming from the light 

And I don’t blame myself now 

I don’t hold a grudge 

I accept the naivety and the innocence and the trust that I went into all that with 

It may have been dark but I thought my torch would light the way 

I didn’t see the walls around me as I focused on the floor 

The written warnings all around me 

Of people before me 

I didn’t see the tell-tale signs of difference and non compatibility 

I just saw the rocks and stones and stained floors 

I trusted the love bombing 

I trusted the guide 

She convinced me 

She made me believe 

Believe in the unproven non-real world 

The doomed fairytale 

But that doesn’t mean I feel nothing 

No that would be me lying 

For that may have been the start but it wasn’t the middle 

And we approached so many hurdles and helped eachother through the hardest level of assault course I’d ever experienced 

We did that 

But in the end 

Our truth was reignited 

Our days were numbered 

Our time had ended 

For all the things I never said 

I carry no regret 

I see lessons learned 

And a second chance 

A second chance to go out there and try again 

Try again