A person who really wanted nothing more than acceptance
Somebody who spent so many years adjusting to lll fitting clothes and people
Personalities that kept me up at night
Searching hopelessly in the fallen rain, not a glimmer of light to help as I foraged for signs of hope
Lights arrived and used solar energy to light up the surrounding earth around our house
But it didn’t bring real light nor any warmth
Often with insomnia draining my soul I’d sit out in the open air
And although unbeknown to me the extent of resentment she carried with her
I was still able to exist in this broken marriage
I was scared to really tell her of my fears of dying
And my fears of losing who I’d spent such a long time becoming
The woman she fell for, was slowly fading away with each infusion my body received
The cells inside me were dying
The health and disease were being boiled alive
The aches and pains unlike anything I could ever explain into words
For I was no longer an us
I was an I and with that lost
Battling on land I’d never seen before for a life I didn’t recognise
A life that hadn’t been started
The happy family drama series had been axed
My marriage cancelled
And my health in tatters
Like the hair that I found fallen all over my house
The sullen look in my eyes as I woke in the morning and sat in front of my bedroom mirror which had once reflected smiles and laughter
Now reflected pain and sorrow
There was no longer a big plan for our future
For the our was now just a me
And this room was no longer lived in but sold and belonged to some other family
And we didn’t sent messages of love and affection but of divorce agreements and money chats
No more football days out
No more holidays abroad
No more marking or gaming Sundays
No more laughter
No more memories to retell or love cherished moments to frame
Nothing left
The vows are not forever
They lasted just 5 years together and 6 as it counts down to the end
The final lap of our marriage and of our commitment
Grave stones surround this village
Buried below are lost loved ones
Married till death does part us
Not me
Not I
Not with this one
Grief has become my shadow
But even in the dark it haunts me
It strangles the reality out of me
What I was saw as reality is now merely a dream
Of a long forgotten life that I used to live
Grief is teaching me the ways of the world
And I need to listen to the lessons
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