Blurry Lives Entwined... PT. 1

Stepping stones rain makes them slippy
being careful but forgetting why
knowing we are getting somewhere but not knowing where 

I took your hand, as I was sure I could help you
we travelled for months through the world together, blurry, entwined
We used to sit and talk for hours about what and where we could see ourselves in the years to come
together, forever, blurry, entwined


We grew older and we got closer and we began to feel stronger for each other
the friendship was a seed at the start and now it had grown to a forest,
but weather came in thick and fast
and trashed the roots and took the strength 
entwined one moment, lost and alone the next....

Wishing it could mean more, be more
expect it to be more important to others than it ever is
the feeling of disappointment, a frequent thought
the heart aching for more
never having its fill
pouring its insides out on to the floor
for you all to moan and clean it up- shouting never understanding
for you lot so simple these feelings, these acts of love 
the ease of life you all carry and flaunt in your dailies
not a consideration for those who lost the battle
who tried to fight it by running so fast the legs got damaged more and more
the legs grew tired and bled and ached some more
and no one could help me and no one could see me
and no one cared a little or at all
and it was just try harder come on girl, try HARDER 
TRY SO HARD THE TEARS FALL FOREVER
who cares 
why be happy when you can be normal why be normal when you can be happy
happy? wtf is that anyway, when your insides are hollowed out like a pumpkin
nothing left just the remains of what was
and now as the days grow darker and the fingers ache in fear and hate and just basic 'fucked off ness'
we all start to calm it down
to shake it off
to give your head a wobble and we just say OK
so that's all of you and this is me
and i will be all i know how to be
BUT i wont accept it just as this I tell you
I WILL FIX IT UP IF IT KILLS ME
FINISHES ME OFF FOR GOOD
if just to say, I felt what you all feel too
if just for one day
one moment, one second
just to say I felt it too
blurry, are the feelings as they swallow up my lack of feeling
drown all my thinking and just entwine 
smash into each other 
blurry lives entwined... 

not a sound

not a whisper
not a noise at all
not a peek 
not a movement 
not a look that says too much
not a tear 
not a care 
not a fear 
not anything at all
not an us
not a pair
not like each other
nothing there
don't try and fix it
don't say its broken
don't get involved in anything
not happy here
not willing to share
the feelings inside as they have become too much to bare
not a sound 
not a whisper 
not a noise at all

I don't look backwards
I don't look forwards
I just stare
I don't complain
I don't lie 
I don't regret

I need to move onwards
to do so, shed the old stuff
let it all float away
wave goodbye
so sincere
not a pain at all

silently it will fall away
shrivel to become a nothing
take up no time of yours or mine
not be a nuisance or a problem
or an issue you all discuss
whisper about me or near me or of me
have an opinion you plead to share

not a sound I said
not a whisper to be heard 
not a noise at all
nothing is to ever be disclosed
don't share too much
never give it up
never give yourself away
just find that place that brings the smiles 
that brings the happiness
that frees your trapped heart
and live it
even if it means leaving
leaving what you have
with risk comes rewards...
My Nan told me that...