Twisted reality

They all bustle on like criminals who have escaped 

The stench of their evenings on their breath

Their eyes are bloodshot from what liquor is swirling around their veins and there speech is slurred

They all clamber into a seat near where I am and continue the nonsensical discussion 

Literally no sense can be made from the slurry of words but the odd profanity or curse

I am staring deeper into the evening through my window, as it starts to cover the sky in dark clouds and spatters of rain 

Oh why did this train have to take so long?

They are starting conversations with victims in their midst and pushing for answers from strangers

They are forceful and unapologetic 

They are still adding liquid to their already overflowing systems and the liver has probably checked out now

The vape fumes fill the carriage with this candy flavoured smoke, the dust and taste hits the back of my throat

I try hard not to cough so no attention is drawn in my direction

Even though, let’s face it I’m sharing a table with two of them

I try to remain calm and passive 

But the lungs need to clear it

I can’t help myself 

It’s like I’m being compressed by weight

*clears throat*

All eyes are on me

I can feel them staring deep into me ready to move all attention 

Stay calm

Gather all of your fave things and bag them up 

You will see then what really matters

And what you leave behind 

The things left behind to ruin are what weigh you down in those moments that you can’t get up from 

Wake up and remember why you try

Hold to the forefront your inner self and how high your self worth is 

Do not dim your light to fit into other people’s life 

Shine bright and own your space

Keep what matters 

Bin what doesn’t

And this is not just about physical belongings

This is the message for it all 

Beats will halt, time is over

I can’t tell you how I’m feeling 

Not in the literal sense

Since that moment I opened the mail to the news I’ve not felt the same

Not a feeling but an existence that is entrenched in memory and utter disbelief

Can’t comprehend the reality that is ever so clear as it’s written in front of me in the doom scrolling of social media

Nothing I say can change it and I am yet to understand how unpredictable life is 

And how ever I feel won’t make a blind bit of difference

To know that it was all taken away in a moment and that time was recorded for eternity

Written into the registers that store the lives gone by 

Not with real sense of the person, but their name residence and age

And hers was too young 

Too young to stop beating 

This heart just beats away quietly in the background, we take it for granted 

Casually keeping us alive with what appears to be effortless

And we just never know 

Never know when our time is coming 

So many films I have seen over years that try to portray this in real time 

The utter devastation left behind as another heart stops, cold

All that promise

All that life just over

We can’t even hold that moment as they have already gone 

All that we have are our memories 

Swarming around us like frustrated flies in the sun 

It still hurts and it still marinates 

It’s soaking up all of my days 

Trying to understand why 

How at 18 again, another life just halts

Stopped in its tracks

My head and mind are just on repeat

Over and over 

Disbelief and shock and sadness 

Then repeat

Bright energy 

Positive soul

Vibrant personality 

Tomorrow is the funeral 

Tomorrow we say goodbye 

RIP LEH 

The real T

Sober in a world that is drunk

I don’t mean in the literal state 

I just mean through its culture and its demeanour 

Living life in a way that pushes norms to this feeling 

This need of euphoria 

Walking through the campsite at 5am this morning 

Seeing the strewn out chairs and bottles 

The cans and big names 

Bombay and bud and somersby 

Knowing that it flew through the veins of several last night 

Knowing that it caused the feeling and brought the dehydration 

That it may have even caused the wrong decisions or the headaches 

Knowing it was once my way of life 

Knowing that would have easily been me

I’d have been there on the front line like the rest

Ordering to get my fix

Drinking to feel better 

To take the edge off

It’s a culture, it’s a way of life

It’s not the danger and not the impact 

But I’ve been through worse

I have seen worse

I have watched the vials get filled and liquid pour in 

I have felt the nausea 

I have felt the panic as my body reacts so unpleasantly 

I have sat with it for days as it swirls through my system 

And this poison was also man made 

But this poison was not alcohol

It was different

It was helping me through the killing of me

Bit by bit 

Cell by cell

It’s like I said 

I’m sober in a world that’s drunk

And that’s not the issue here

I get it

Life is better with it sometimes

But only when you don’t know 

Only when you haven’t seen the reality

behind the curtain 

I can never unsee it 

And I truly hope I never do 

Get off to where?

I got off my chair and ran to someone who looked like the controller

Can you stop I want to get off 

He just stared through me like I wasn’t even there 

He didn’t even care

I was just standing there and he stared 

I said it again 

I want to get off

Nothing 

The rows of chairs were infinite and we were all just sat 

Strapped in 

No let up 

No final loop

Just constant 

I wanted to go home 

I wanted to go home so bad

But to which house

None of them were mine anymore

I had grown up

Moved on and moved out 

We all had

These were just moments in time 

Moments and memories and nothing more 

No getting a bus to merry hill for my Christmas Calendar shop 

No waiting in Halesowen at the bus stop

No final GCSE or last day of summer 

No university or job interview or failed marriage

Just a chair 

Just a chair in a row that didn’t mean anything 

A person sat on it and time ticking 

To get off would be to end it all

To walk away to leave?

To not beat a heart anymore 

To not pump blood

Tirelessly running through this existence surrounded by people also living their only chance too 

No rerun 

No pilot episode 

One shot one opportunity and then 

Flat line

So sit down and make yourself comfortable 

Find the will in your heart 

Find the purpose you desire and run towards it

Don’t look back 

There is nothing left for you there 

Move forward and never look back 

Make each day count 

Make your life spectacular 

Time

Tell me about the days when your only worry was getting home in time for CITV

Tell me about the holidays and the sitting in the back waiting on sweets from your Mum

Where you just lived to experience and enjoy the day by day

When waiting on time was OK, when did we get so impatient? When did we get lost in the life trap?

We were just living in the present and the present was living in us and that was OK

Adulting has never felt so difficult

It has never felt so mundane in some ways and exciting in others

Rat run at its best

Keeping up and chasing others and tripping up and grazing knees 

But up you get, brush it off and just keep going

Barely a word, not even a whisper

Just silent betrayal of existence and praying for the next 

Reality through a filter

Drowning in minds’ thoughts that spiral 

Memories poke their head in without invitation

You are in dreams and your old life feels real

But you wake and it wasn’t 

Previous years feel like different people

You see the videos but can’t relate to the person

You see the posing and the nights out and the smiling face but can’t see the deeper hurt and pain 

Scratch the surface and you will see the real deal

Scratch the surface and you will see the portrayal we aspire to

You will see the social media storm that holds us accountable to checking in

You will see the popularity contest of smiles and achievements,

But go backstage

Go backstage and you will see people starving to look thin, people crying because they are lonely, arguing with each other, because it isn’t real love,

Just adding the filters to their lives

Using that setting spray to hold it all together

Booking more cosmetic work to hide the pain they have felt

Fillers and Botox to hide the lost love, or heartbreak

Broke from spending money on things they dont enjoy, to having pictures with people they dont like, to show the world they are living

How can you be busy living if you are always checking in, and posting?

Must look younger, must erase the past, must appear stable must hide age, must filter out the creases in case, must skip the meals, must inject the oxempic, must replace the smile, get new teeth, get new hairlines, get new hair, extensions, face lifts, lash lifts, brow lifts, lip fillers, cheek fillers, boob jobs, bum jobs, must have more weight, must have less weight, must have bigger muscles, must be shredded, must be slimmer, must be taller, must be happier, must stop complaining, must be on a diet, must be happy, must be happy, must be happy… 

Live a life but make sure the pictures show you haven’t suffered, haven’t been hurt, haven’t been ill, haven’t lost family or lovers or jobs or dreams, live a life but appear immaculate.

Fast forward to a 100 years ahead of time, what will our legacy be, a generation that experienced some of the scariest realities but pictures will appear like life had been so easy

Like a filter on the history

The history that never affected us, the battles, the lockdown, the death toll but a perfectly framed picture of people all smiling, perfect teeth, perfect skin, perfect lives 

Life is not a game

I draw a line in the sand

I draw a line in the sand and I tell you this is the divide now 

This is how I’ll separate us from me 

This is how I’ll accept what’s been and take with me what I choose 

This is the last step 

I’m stood there and I’m praying you don’t arrive

I’m praying because to see you would hurt 

To see you would make all this too real

Like it’s not real already 

I take the stick and I start to make a line 

I’ve been overwhelmed for so long now I’m hoping this will bring me relief

I can’t keep up as the memories fall onto me 

From a height they crash down around me

I’m right back in nights out and giggling fits

Our morning rituals and our road trips

The holidays and the tanning and the relaxing 

The sceneries we have etched into our soul over that decade

The anniversaries and the romantic times

The future plans and the world we created

It was just us and we made it last and made it work 

The shadows of grief and arguments and fear are also surrounding the bright skies

I can’t ignore them and I can’t forget the scars they left behind 

It was enough though, that’s what I’d said 

It was enough for me and I was happy with my lot

I wasn’t excited or loved up anymore but I was accepting the fate 

It’s hard to let it go 

I’m stood here now before this line and this weight I have carried however much it’s left bruises and pain; I’m reluctant to let it go

I’m scared to put it down for the final time

Like I know it’s over but I’ve carried it around with me 

Like a little stone in my shoe

I know it’s causing me problems but to stop and resolve it could slow me down or trip me up on this path

I don’t want to be alone 

I hear my mind say

I don’t want to be alone 

But in truth I was alone in that place

I was alone in that bed

We had lost tracks and direction 

We had fallen apart and hadn’t found ways to fix it

We had lost the reasons to try

We were no longer a team but a you and an I 

So I shan’t lose the sleep over the fear of abandonment because I had been abandoned

By her

But also by me

By accepting that fate at that time 

I had accepted the scraps I was given 

That empty plate as I sat there starving 

I darent ask for more

I just took what was offered and stayed silent

I didn’t stand up for myself

I didn’t fight for the love I thought we had

I just softened into the background 

As my skin grew pale and my hair began to fall 

As the chemo took a hold of my body and my health 

As it thrashed itself through my veins attacking all I’d ever worked for 

That vibrancy and life

That smile and that reason to live

Just contrast to a dark room with the dim lights and pale existence fading away

As you took more and more time away from me 

I tried harder to be “normal”

I pushed this pain down and this sickness

Even when my body had become frail and I had no energy I still tried to make it better 

But the fight had been lost

It was like the end credits had been rolling but nobody had told me

Like the audience had walked out and I still thought they were near

But I knew deep down 

I’d always known deep down this could never go the full way 

This could never be forever 

Because that moment appeared more and more 

Those thoughts of I deserve better 

They got louder and louder

So yeah to fear the loneliness is silly

Because I’ve felt alone for years

Even if we shared a name and a house and a mortgage and a life 

I felt alone 

That’s the real T

So I draw this line in the sand 

And I put down the bags 

I let the memories spill out over the line and be submerged into the sand like water on a hot day

I will take the lessons and leave the fear

I will take the moments and leave the shame

I will leave the regrets but take the courage

I will walk away with myself intact

Knowing that I always knew the ending

It was never a huge shock 

But I guess a part of me had hoped it wasn’t true and that we’d get through any knock

But the truth is painful when it ends so much life

When it takes a dream and reality and entwines them 

When it takes energy and gives you back stress

But this line is final

No turning back the pages

No reliving the decisions

Just allowing it to be what it may 

And accepting it all today. 

I didn’t know her name @ 31

I didn’t know her name

But that doesn’t mean she didn’t exist

That doesn’t mean she wasn’t somebody who had lived her life

I sit in my window watching people empty her house of her belongings

Its a strange feeling because there was a time i had seen her and now i never will

She used to order takeout, Chinese maybe, she used to go out into town on her mobility scooter, i remember the first day i met her as i watched her struggle to get her chair out of her door way

Now i am witnessing three men in masks empty her house, struggling to move her once prized possessions into a nameless van 

I wonder when it happened

I ask myself if she was alone

I remember the ambulance coming one night late and taking her to hospital, i even told my Mum about it 

Clearly no family, for its all going to waste

All these possessions we own for what

To make this time as comfortable as possible 

To brag about the earnings or show off the travels

People walk passed the house and they know 

They can understand the transaction here

To empty as to refill

Refill with new people

Just a horrific process but reality of this existence

Just one long ugly conveyor belt

People in and people out

Trauma and love and hate all entwined

I wonder who bagged up her belongings

Are these people doing it?

In someone’s private life bagging up the pieces like they hold no significance

Well they don’t do they

We are all just motherboards full of memories and life and times and years and health issues and falls and hangovers and first dances and kisses and marriages and divorce and good weather and bad holidays and nightmares and social media and books and films and music and subscriptions and credit cards and just stuff all this stuff all this consumerism 

In a house that was once completely filled with stuff and a being, is now some walls and some stains that hold pieces of the past that will be covered over like my house was

Covered over and painted new for someone else to come along and fill 

Rinse and repeat

Over and over, day in day out until the flat line

The flat line means its over and that’s it

People turn up and park up

They remove your life from the history

They take away your things and they burn them or recycle them or keep them or sell them 

Paint over the times and start again 

But what gets me in all of this 

What really gets me

Is that we are people 

We have feelings we have memories 

They are in our brains but they die

So where does it all go like a motherboard does it crash

Do we get our own blue screen

Do we have to accept that

The limbs and the vessel go cold and within that we lay untouched

Perfect like all that history people dig up

All that history that reminds us something happened

Even if it was a century ago, it happened

Just a few cupboards and pictures, and sofas, that’s not who we are 

We are infinite in this motherboard one that no one can edit or delete

Defo it happened and people met people and they held conversations and they fell in love and they nurtured plants and spoken to babies and watched the new years fall in and struggled to walk and watched their health decline and needed a mobility scooter but didn’t give up 

Still pushed it down those steps to get onto the pathway and into town

Into town to buy things to bring back and eat or fix to a wall or give as a gift

These things 

All had meaning and even if we don’t know what they were doesn’t make them less 

These people are courageous and dignified and doing a job that anyone would find hard

Whether they knew her name or not

And i write this because it matters

It matters that we don’t forget

We don’t forget the people just because the memory is far away

We don’t forget the pictures or the suitcases as they are packed away

We dont forget the first time we met or said hello

Because to me it matters

The parts of our lives matter

We are not just our possessions

We are people.

 

What now

What now I hear my head and heart ask 

As I sit sorting out pill boxes for what feels like the longest time 

What now I hear my head ask

As I wake up in pain and numbness but have work to get to and bills to pay

What now as I get myself to my four weekly visit at the doctors hoping the emla cream is in the right spot so it doesn’t leave me in pain all day following my zoladex

What now as I look at letters that fall through my door with appointments and injections and blood forms 

What now as I sit celebrating another 12 months since the start of this reality the one I thought would now be just a memory 

What now as I get out of breath walking to my car or around the shops or on my way to lesson 

What now as the bloods come back showing markers for things the treatment to save me caused 

What now as I see the bruises sit for months longer than they used to

What now as I fight the side effects of the meds that are here to save me 

What now when I get kept up at night from the hard parts of my body that were never there before 

What now as I look at my reflection in the mirror and still see the fear

What now as another headline drops of another diagnosis 

What now as I look ahead and see no time passed this 

What now as I feel so numb I’m scared I’m even here

What now as another surgery is booked and another life changing procedure 

What now as I see the scars cement to me like that ongoing nightmare

What now 

What now 

What do we do now

Who do I talk to now

How do we get through this

How do we ever get over this

How can I ever live with this

What now 

No leaflets for this time 

No support groups for this 

This is the abyss 

I am staring at what will always be here

Like an unwanted tattoo or ex

I can’t forget it 

What now ?

Milestones

Today is the date me and P split up 

2 years ago today 

I stood in the stand at Villa park with my long wig on 

A painted smile and tired tear stained eyes

I got in a taxi after the game and sat next to someone I thought was my life companion and it was like being sat with a stranger 

I hadn’t trusted her for a long time but it felt different 

I didn’t even recognise her anymore

The pizza was ordered and it was like any other day

Just like that !

Conversations were bizarre and felt so weird to have.

A marriage and almost 8 years together, and these was the final moments.. 

I remember her clearly saying she would still let me stop at her apartment in town for the games in the future

That we could still stand together in the lower holte with all the faithful

Irony at its finest, wouldn’t you agree?

But that day.. it felt like a haunting

it was like all those mirrors that had broken over my life

All those seven years of bad luck had added altogether and had hit all at once

Like I was watching the final scene in my romantic tragedy

Looking back at the Acts gone by

Seeing all those times we had fought to be and have all we could 

How we pushed ourselves to limits we could never match 

How we watched people in our families bow out their final scenes of life 

We were here 

Over 

Stone cold 

Grey skies

Nothing to hold on to 

Nothing left to try 

Google had no answer anymore

And neither did AI

It was the end of our story 

This was the final good bye 

The box that I built

I could not recall the exact moment or age I was when I started to make it 

But I know that it felt cramped and uncomfortable 

It was like buying your favourite shoes in the wrong size but wanting them so bad you wear them anyway

You hope with time they will stretch and fit around you 

This box was my prison 

It was a place I had made to fit into 

It was a box that was made to suppress

I would sit and watch people in my class and they just did things different

Their ideas and their games seemed pointless

They seemed boring and lame

I guess it was just me I would say

But I would be told I was missing out or I was being difficult

I would be told to join in and play 

But I would ask myself, play what?

Kiss chase or dress up or dolls?

I didn’t see the point in all that

It felt pointless and always ended the same way

I had imagination and spirit

I had creativity and passion 

These games didn’t make me thrive

But I got in my box and I played them anyway

As I got older I started to feel worse

The games and tiresome efforts to “enjoy” them really took it out of me

I would be drained when I got home

Watching people twittail or lie or bully was a horrid time to be alive

But I learned early on that you bullied or you were bullied and again that box came out

It felt smaller but I got in there and I took part 

It was all about validation 

To be liked and to be normal

To not stick out or stand up for me but to agree and smile 

To take part and be involved

To not meant lonely break and lunch 

It was draining and tiring and I looked forward to the weekends

I could do me

Where my own clothes and be my own person 

Listen to the music I liked

And the films I wanted

Talk about my interests

You know the funniest thing was the uniform 

That was the easiest way for me to fit in 

Because we all had the same

Adulting was harder because I didn’t have the uniform anymore

I would wear what I thought and get told off

So I’d wear what they did and get unwanted attention 

I was masking so much now I couldn’t tell which face I was wearing

Each friend had a different style and like and music taste

And interests kept changing and people were in relationship and having sex and getting married

And I was at home rummaging through piles of old masks and getting too big for this box and crying

And sometimes it would slip and I would be there for all to see

My personality would thrive and my interests be mine and my clothes be my choice

And I would get looks or get called names

So I’d blame it on the drink

Or say I was hormonal

This box 

📦 

It kept me banished and suppressed for all of my life

People liked me in it

And got fed up when I got out

It started to dawn on me that my wife liked the box more than me

But I wasn’t the box

That was not me

That was whomever had wanted me to be

I was outside 

I was sat down 

I was just me 

The hair and clothes and the make up- not me

Just that poor little girl being told to never be me

Be what they tell you and do as you’re told

Don’t stand out 

Get them to like you

Be like them 

Dress like them

Talk like them

Be them

Not you 

Never you 

Well screw you

I gave it up

I am me now whether they like it or not

Gone are those people who pushed me back in 

Who told me to try harder or told me to fit in 

Who told me I was weird or that my music choice was shit

Who told me I was strange for not wanting to drink underage

I am me and I am honest and frank and blunt

My tone is unchanged but that’s how I want it

My stories and real and emotion and raw

My memories are painful and hard to ignore

Those people who pretended or hid me away

Will never get to see me and I’ll never say hey

They are gone to me, gone 

Like that box I have left

I am me I am ASD 

I am here 

And I am free 

Grass is already green

I could never really say how much it has truly hurt

Not really for there are no words

No words that could create the blow that I felt as it all came crashing down 

I could never draw it either with any colour I could make, for the emotion could never truly be felt through any colour paint 

I have been left in the mansion of despair, where every corridor was darkened with memories of what used to be there 

No team spirit or shared trust, no till death do we part or I will always love you

I could never catch quick enough, as my spinning plates crashed on down 

I can never forget how I felt 

But I moved away 

I was brought closer to family 

I was given a chance to live and love and heal 

I was taken to the sea, and the waves they soothed me 

The vast views healed me 

I felt less alone

I was looked after, watered and fed 

I had comfort and compassion 

My once lonely existence was transformed 

As I grew stronger my world changed for the better 

My treatment got tougher but I felt stronger 

It has not been easy, in fact far from it 

It has been the most difficult chapter ever 

As my life is etched onto the page, in ink that never stains or runs when it gets wet from my tears as they fall 

and memories are drawn and fear is real and nightmares are constant 

I sit and I watch as the days turn to nights and the sun sets on skies that glow 

The views could never be imagined for they outdo any fantasy 

Such beauty in the nature of this wonderful place 

But then comes fear 

Fear of missing out 

Fear of being stuck in this independent rut 

Fear of not meeting my tribe or my people

Fear of being so rural I’ll be lost forever 

Fear that I’ll be forgotten and single forever 

That I have no scene or community

No scene for me to walk down 

No rainbow above the door 

No drag queen on the stage

But as I said before my grass is already green 

This grass is nurtured well and greener than any colour I’ve ever seen 

That scene is no more 

The doors have been closed and the boards have gone up

The streets are no longer full of connections 

But empty and bare

The rainbow is just a reminder on the streets of the times that could of been there

Businesses are closed and graffiti is present 

The new shift has moved in and the village is forever shaken 

To type this out right now and to know how I felt 

To know I had fear that I’d spend life on my own 

But fear not as I see that the grass is not greener 

The fence is an illusion and created by fear 

The fear is just words that encapsulates life

It gets tighter and tighter and cuts off the blood

It leaves you torn and bruised and scared 

But I see through it 

I see the truth 

I see the light 

I will be alright 

When I can’t, say you will..

Help me get up on that day when I can’t 

Tell me I’m still glowing covered in scars

Listen to me, as I explain how it feels to have felt like all had been lost

Watch me as I continue living, even when the battle felt over

To have not only reinvented but, became who I was always meant to be 

That girl in the pictures of years flown by

The one who still gets excited from the fireworks in the sky

Who still has flashbacks of childhood holidays and fun 

Help me down the stairs, as my legs don’t work like they did 

But don’t look down on me

Don’t feel sorry for me

I’m just the outcome of experience

And although mine has been different 

I don’t feel down 

I don’t feel bitter

I have accepted it all 

The changes to my life

My body and my health

My view and my surroundings 

But I am so grateful for my life

For the body that endured 

Just whisper to me 

Tell me of my beauty

Tell me you see past the scars and loss 

Tell me you see me 

Be the first to really see me

The first in all of my years to really know me, and understand 

I will sit patiently and wait on your entrance

I know you are out there 

I have high hopes 

I have always had big dreams 

And one by one they have all come true 

I won’t doubt my dreams or my future

Because I know it is full of everything I have ever wanted

From that young girl to this grown up woman

Help me get up on that day that I can’t

Don’t let me stop now

Life is good

And I want it all 

Not just glimmers

Did you feel it then ?

It was a moment where you breathed out but didn’t feel tension or stress

You felt happy and calm 

It was just then and it felt different because it’s so unlike the majority of the time 

It was ok to feel ok and you meant it 

The video call you just made was positive and happy 

Not just glimmers or tunnels with ends filled with light 

But the here and now

Smiles and relief

Happiness from the heart and in it 

Own it and show it 

For all the eyes to see 

Infinite possibilities

And when we understand the mission, when we understand the time and when we understand peace and when life tells us exactly what is here and what we need, and when we open our arms and open our heart to the possibilities that we too can be happy in a world that tries its best to prevent that. 
When we realise that our lives are more than the sum of its parts, and that although our bodies may one day sit back down, and struggle to get back up, our souls will live a lifetime. A lifetime is not one single life. 
It is not singular. It is infinite. 
What I believe, I can't tell you has ever been taught to me, but is just in me. 
I see it, and I wait for a time that it surely will show itself. In a world that's always been important, nurturing, and kind. And even though some of us do struggle and some of us do find dark days, and struggle to get from out of that cloud and struggle to heal, just know that, that will pass. One step at a time. 

Life is to be lived. Life is to be endured. Life is to be suffered. 
Life is to be nurtured, experience, wisdom, lesson. These are all things, all things that we take for granted. Illness and disease. 
Now, that comes along and that can change everything. Or it can change nothing. It can create a new opportunity or it can end that life. 
We can choose. It's always been a choice. Life has always been a choice. 
We all know how it ends. We all know how to stop it. We all know how to prevent life from continuing. 
We all know this. We always have had. We know what's to fear. 
We know what's a warning. We know what drama can be caused. We know what pain can be suffered. 
We know danger. We choose. We choose the people, we choose the place, we choose the job, we choose the life. 
We choose the friendships, we choose the enemies, we choose it all. We choose the clothes, we choose the aesthetic, everything, everything. And if you think you don't, you're mistaken. 
If you think it is written for you, you're mistaken. Nothing is written. Everything's to play for. 
There's not a path that has been etched out. There's infinite pathways, infinite options, infinite endings, infinite, infinite Never forget that

Consumerism is the mirror image of the happy and unhappy

Woke up feeling quieter mentally

But with the odd thought jetting passed

The what ifs and the somewhat sullen reality of the quiet life I live 

Not upset it’s reality nor am I ecstatic that it is

Feels a lot like external judgements that prey on my solitude

I didn’t want this 

I always wanted another, so I thought 

To be in love with another and life to be content 

But maybe in life that’s the problem

We all aspire for the things we don’t have and things we don’t need

We consume the unimportance

We consume realities drenched in fake faux fur

Ripped from the lives of others 

Leaving behind the scarring and the pain 

Walking away without a second thought or feeling for the lives trampled on 

Positively inhumane treatment of the bourgeoisie dictatorship

Not a soul survives the wrath of squeezing every last mouthful of greed out of life 

What about ME

And then there's a moment and a moment seems to last for a lifetime because it is. It's the present moment, it just like these words, I think before it, nothing after it. The happening live as I type them
Clarity , not chaos to be in a position where clarity is all I have, all I need, all I want no drama, no uncertainty, no waiting on anybody just me 
I get up. I do what I want and then I go to bed. Then repeat, no explanation, no interpretation, no analysis, no feeling like I'm in the wrong or I wanna do wrong no second guessing people's opinions, people's thoughts not having to convince, not having to ask, not having to request, just simply being, and  doing what I want  my career is different obviously, but I chose to do that. I chose to study for it. I chose to put the work into it. I choose to be there What can be painful however during this present is that you often come across someone else someone who you have an attachment or a connection that you can't quite understand, but makes complete sense. You'll find yourself in that moment questioning how? How am I here now, in front of you that's the game you see, how can you be there if you're in the moment, how are you questioning it? If you're in the moment, how are you thinking about it by just being in the moment? It’s a very powerful thingSee, where I see things going now as I sit here on this bank holiday Monday is that if I'm to be fully in the moment, the thoughts, the tribulations, the concerns, the panic, the worry, the anxiety, the fear, they can't be there too, for they would need to be attached to something else, maybe something that's been before, maybe something that might be in the future. But if I'm in the present, how am I thinking these things? If I'm in the present, how am I even aware? See what's interesting is even though maybe that particular connection ended sooner than I'd anticipated that small insight has been quite catastrophic to the way in which I have designed my thinking to be and what I mean by that is they reminded me that by being present that by being in that moment blocks anything else out, so the fear, the worry, the concern, the treatment, the history none of that matters because it's clearly and quite obviously not the present. It's the past and the past doesn't exist anymore,It's just a memory
I wake up this morning with out much thought of what would come next however, I did have hopes. I did have dreams. I had a positive mindsetSince waking up there has been a change in direction with certain connections, which has left me feeling quite distant to my presence. I found myself on a path that I've often trawled through questioning my worth questioning my value, you know effectively asking why am I not enough? Why did they not want me? Why did they not want to pursue this? What is wrong with me?Sitting in a room, in a house, like this was all for them and that's when it dawned on me as I nearly made mistakes that I've made before as I nearly went backwards as I nearly messaged people that never ever deserved my presence. 
&& I thought to myself they may be gone, they may have pulled away but with that they left me with a lesson. There's a lesson in the experience, a lesson in just this that it's okay It's a memory now anyway, it's OK not everyone's with someone. It's OK. You haven't done all this for someone new to come along and take it from you and to take from it and to take with it all you have made and to gain from you, you've done all this for you. You sat and did all this yesterday for you. You chose to sit there and you chose to run through things that you have not read or seen in probably two decades You were very much in the present. You hadn't thought about the past. You hadn't thought about the memories. You were just in the moment That's a powerful place to be, decisions, choices, thoughts, that will for you to choose, all for you, to choose and sit on your laurels. Don't sit in that headspace of why not me like you did over two years ago, maybe longer, why me to now why not me?But, it should be what about me? not about them, not about blending, not about adjusting, what about me? not why me? or why not me? what about me!?

Not many times

Today it dawned on me that it would be another year down 

But also that last year my life was so messy I couldn’t make out a single thing 

My life seemed to have just hit a wall

Like I often did in video games

I didn’t know the controls

I’d lost the control

I was in a place of melancholy 

Life was so dampened I barely felt anything 

I was drugged up and sick and trying to heal

I couldn’t ever imagine this would be my path 

Not as a child waiting in the corridor of a building for a lesson to start

Excited to have a video in class

Sat watching the original Romeo and Juliet on a tv screen as I sat on a table at the back of classroom

Understanding the inner works of stunning literature written at a time in history I could only dream of 

Fancying the characters and wanting the feelings they had

We now look at the now 

The places I’ve been I could never give enough explanation 

The places I’ve been have been surreal

I can see my chemo sessions but it was almost like I’d detached so much it was happening to someone else

But how does my life look now

What is my first awaking moment 

It is waking up to an alarm 

An alarm alerting me to my working week 

In a role I absolutely adore

I can’t explain my passion for my role

But in life everything I’ve ever done I give my all to

No one ever told me to

It was never a training 

It was not a birds and bees it was innate

I look at the room I am in 

All my own and all my own creation 

It is all there because I put it there

I’m content 

My health is better

The disease was cut out of my body and disposed of 

It has gone 

It came to remind me of my own reality

But with that

My mortality was in the sunlight 

It was blinding and it was scary

I’m now approaching another year

Another year of my life and existence

And yes it can be daunting

I no longer have shadows taking the sunlight away from life

But I have myself

Sat alone yes

But in the sunlight 

Sat in the driving seat

Sat in control of my own destiny

Living as much as I can in the future

No longer fighting for the right 

But giving myself the right 

Like a permission 

It is mine for the taking 

Mine for the rest of my life

It was a battle

But not with the treatment 

With myself

And I am here and living 

I am more me than I’ve ever felt 

And even though it can be hard to put my big girl pants on 

I do

I wear what I want

I open my door

I step out

I don’t ask for help or validation 

I own it

I am me

I was always me 

But I was scared

I was conditioned 

I was imprisoned

Now I have realised how free I am 

The life feels authentic

It is authentic

It is me 

The smartest man who ever was

In a room full of family I remember you clearly

The tall one with the suit 

The carefully chosen outfit of corduroy and blazer

The smartest shoes 

The glasses and the ring on that finger

You never changed 

Always quietly spoken but every word mattered 

A football fan 

Baggies boing boing 

I loved our chats when we got to know each other 

And the way you offered my drink knowing what I wanted 

Your sweet tooth with biscuits but your favourite being the eclair

The way your hair was always perfectly in place 

I’ll miss you because you were true to your word

You sat in your chair with your smiling eyes 

You were always ready to listen to me and give me advice 

I loved your laugh 

Your eyes would smile

You made me feel safe at the lowest moments 

You were so kind and so patient 

You made my God mother happy

You made me happy 

I hope you are now at peace

I hope you are comfortable 

I’m sorry that you had to endure such difficulty in the end 

I will not forget you 

I loved you

Rest easy Eric