What about ME

And then there's a moment and a moment seems to last for a lifetime because it is. It's the present moment, it just like these words, I think before it, nothing after it. The happening live as I type them
Clarity , not chaos to be in a position where clarity is all I have, all I need, all I want no drama, no uncertainty, no waiting on anybody just me 
I get up. I do what I want and then I go to bed. Then repeat, no explanation, no interpretation, no analysis, no feeling like I'm in the wrong or I wanna do wrong no second guessing people's opinions, people's thoughts not having to convince, not having to ask, not having to request, just simply being, and  doing what I want  my career is different obviously, but I chose to do that. I chose to study for it. I chose to put the work into it. I choose to be there What can be painful however during this present is that you often come across someone else someone who you have an attachment or a connection that you can't quite understand, but makes complete sense. You'll find yourself in that moment questioning how? How am I here now, in front of you that's the game you see, how can you be there if you're in the moment, how are you questioning it? If you're in the moment, how are you thinking about it by just being in the moment? It’s a very powerful thingSee, where I see things going now as I sit here on this bank holiday Monday is that if I'm to be fully in the moment, the thoughts, the tribulations, the concerns, the panic, the worry, the anxiety, the fear, they can't be there too, for they would need to be attached to something else, maybe something that's been before, maybe something that might be in the future. But if I'm in the present, how am I thinking these things? If I'm in the present, how am I even aware? See what's interesting is even though maybe that particular connection ended sooner than I'd anticipated that small insight has been quite catastrophic to the way in which I have designed my thinking to be and what I mean by that is they reminded me that by being present that by being in that moment blocks anything else out, so the fear, the worry, the concern, the treatment, the history none of that matters because it's clearly and quite obviously not the present. It's the past and the past doesn't exist anymore,It's just a memory
I wake up this morning with out much thought of what would come next however, I did have hopes. I did have dreams. I had a positive mindsetSince waking up there has been a change in direction with certain connections, which has left me feeling quite distant to my presence. I found myself on a path that I've often trawled through questioning my worth questioning my value, you know effectively asking why am I not enough? Why did they not want me? Why did they not want to pursue this? What is wrong with me?Sitting in a room, in a house, like this was all for them and that's when it dawned on me as I nearly made mistakes that I've made before as I nearly went backwards as I nearly messaged people that never ever deserved my presence. 
&& I thought to myself they may be gone, they may have pulled away but with that they left me with a lesson. There's a lesson in the experience, a lesson in just this that it's okay It's a memory now anyway, it's OK not everyone's with someone. It's OK. You haven't done all this for someone new to come along and take it from you and to take from it and to take with it all you have made and to gain from you, you've done all this for you. You sat and did all this yesterday for you. You chose to sit there and you chose to run through things that you have not read or seen in probably two decades You were very much in the present. You hadn't thought about the past. You hadn't thought about the memories. You were just in the moment That's a powerful place to be, decisions, choices, thoughts, that will for you to choose, all for you, to choose and sit on your laurels. Don't sit in that headspace of why not me like you did over two years ago, maybe longer, why me to now why not me?But, it should be what about me? not about them, not about blending, not about adjusting, what about me? not why me? or why not me? what about me!?