Not many times

Today it dawned on me that it would be another year down 

But also that last year my life was so messy I couldn’t make out a single thing 

My life seemed to have just hit a wall

Like I often did in video games

I didn’t know the controls

I’d lost the control

I was in a place of melancholy 

Life was so dampened I barely felt anything 

I was drugged up and sick and trying to heal

I couldn’t ever imagine this would be my path 

Not as a child waiting in the corridor of a building for a lesson to start

Excited to have a video in class

Sat watching the original Romeo and Juliet on a tv screen as I sat on a table at the back of classroom

Understanding the inner works of stunning literature written at a time in history I could only dream of 

Fancying the characters and wanting the feelings they had

We now look at the now 

The places I’ve been I could never give enough explanation 

The places I’ve been have been surreal

I can see my chemo sessions but it was almost like I’d detached so much it was happening to someone else

But how does my life look now

What is my first awaking moment 

It is waking up to an alarm 

An alarm alerting me to my working week 

In a role I absolutely adore

I can’t explain my passion for my role

But in life everything I’ve ever done I give my all to

No one ever told me to

It was never a training 

It was not a birds and bees it was innate

I look at the room I am in 

All my own and all my own creation 

It is all there because I put it there

I’m content 

My health is better

The disease was cut out of my body and disposed of 

It has gone 

It came to remind me of my own reality

But with that

My mortality was in the sunlight 

It was blinding and it was scary

I’m now approaching another year

Another year of my life and existence

And yes it can be daunting

I no longer have shadows taking the sunlight away from life

But I have myself

Sat alone yes

But in the sunlight 

Sat in the driving seat

Sat in control of my own destiny

Living as much as I can in the future

No longer fighting for the right 

But giving myself the right 

Like a permission 

It is mine for the taking 

Mine for the rest of my life

It was a battle

But not with the treatment 

With myself

And I am here and living 

I am more me than I’ve ever felt 

And even though it can be hard to put my big girl pants on 

I do

I wear what I want

I open my door

I step out

I don’t ask for help or validation 

I own it

I am me

I was always me 

But I was scared

I was conditioned 

I was imprisoned

Now I have realised how free I am 

The life feels authentic

It is authentic

It is me