Not your game to play

 So when I finally decide to leave this drama

I do not expect any applause for my better late than never vibe

I have always been such a work-proud person

Working up the ranks in some right little businesses

But PROUD and confident in my abilities and my progression

Even these days in the career I have now created, students look at me with disbelief at the experiences and jobs I have accumulated over my working life span

So when I look back at this time in my life

the time I worked towards through my education and life choices 

DO NOT TAKE this from me

It is not yours to touch or to screw up

I worked hard to be here

I am so sick of people being those NEGATIVE fools who just wonder around the streets

waiting on positive vibes so they can come and rain on your parade

knock you to the floor and criticise you for WORKING HARD

being strong, and confident makes you arrogant

working hard and trying each day to improve makes you a beg

No 

Not anymore

I have spent hours, days months and years reflecting

reflecting on things I never did 

Not in the way you have written them

strewn together lies to build a case

a case that nearly took with it my life

No 

Not anymore

I am not your game 

This is not a level up

this is my life

I know who I am

I know my capabilities

I know my own self worth

I deserve all I put in

I will get out, ALL I put in

You can hate me

Envy me, try and pull me down

But I will no longer listen

I will not give you the time of day

I am strong

I am capable.

dirty plates

Sometimes I can be sat in a real blurry place

It's weird to see blurry when you've had laser eye surgery.

But it is and it's painful and disorientating

I've hit low levels in my life time

Some levels are so low in my past I don't actually know how I found them

I know I'm not there

But this doesn't feel any better some days

It's the worst time to have this feeling

What with how life has been throwing us through shit as a nation this passed 12months

I almost feel guilt for having this feeling

The feeling I would describe as helpless

I feel helpless with my family

Helpless with my students and helpless with myself

I have always been such a strong force for people

My laughter and sarcasm keeps so many smiling and giggling

My humour never fails

But I just feel like I've been piling up plates for so long now

Piling them up so high, not even seeing them smashing in the floor below

The food is rotten on them and there is a feeling of neglect

I have never felt so numb yet in pain at the same time

My face would say I'm ok

This teaching world allows for this persona to almost become your everyday mask

I pick up the dishevelled students and fix them up and straighten out the creases repair the damage

Empower and inspire

But leave myself outside

The rain is falling and I'm shivering but not running for shelter

The numbness is paralysing me

It is soo strong but this work is just my mind blartin" the frustrations of life and managing emotions

I'm not running from anything but I'm sat with so many piles of plates I don't know where to start

The plates all have sentimental feelings and prowess so I cannot just bin it

What comes first though

I'm just empty

Not enough energy to muster it

All the marigolds and fairy but no water

nothing left to say really

When all is said and done

We do not have anything left really, do we

The stage is silent and the crowd starts to stand up and leave 

The room is left with a sense that life had been here

The smells of sweet perfume and happiness surrounds the curtains as they are drawn and another night is ticked off the list 

Theatre at its best 

Just one beautiful performance after another 

The acting is on point and the emotion fills our hearts with that thrill of live work 

We are enamored by the reality in front of us 

Children scream at the sight of Father Christmas or childhood books 

We all love to say "it's behind you"

Shivering with excitement at the whole spectacular atmosphere 

It never gets old

In my thirties I still smile until my face aches 

I enjoy the pantomime and the cheers and boos 

When I sit here typing up my memories into a box 

I feel still

Still and blank

The etch a sketch is empty and I have nothing to draw

Almost 12 months on after one of the most heartbreaking and mind-blowing experiences 

To pay witness to a death toll that exceed 100 before we could process it 

Face masks and sanitiser shortages 

Scared to hug and banned from family

Banned from existence in the only way we knew 

Banned from the cheers and the boos 

From the laughter and family times

From the large audiences 

Smiles and ice cream 

Nothing but silenced expressions hidden behind face masks and health fears

Oh I grieve 

I grieve it all

One day

One day soon

The dates will be counted down

Calendars full of meaning and forward planning

When all is closed until further notice

There's nothing left to say, really

2020.. final thoughts part 1

This was not how we pictured it was it?

Barricaded in and stood their like herd

Awaiting instructions 

Can we stay? Can we go?

Who have we lost 

Getting daily death totals like thats a normal occurrence 

The heart is just under water

That sunken feeling has become the norm

Not a thing we can do

Shut up and put up

We all look so different these days

The worry and anxiety floods our eyes

Our faces masked but the way we feel is all you can see

It is reflected in the eyes of students, children and my parents

The pain drenched us as we stand socially distant 

We'd do anything for a hug

Anything to feel that closeness

That protective parent hug that took away every pain as a child

Banged knees or grazes and a hug from Mum and Dad would sort you out 

It used to be counting the days until we saw eachother again, now I can list off the months I've waited

Life is just not real, is it?

Surely this is the worst dream I've ever conjured up

Surely 2020 had more to give us 

As we count down the final days of the year, 

We start to think about the gratitude we have 

How we are here to at least miss those instead of grieve them

How scary some experiences this year have been

How some are ongoing

That progress is being shown week in, week out

How it's not all been doom

We have seen what is important 

A huge jolt, slam your brakes on epiphany 

It hurt us all but it stuck 

It really made us see with open eyes 

What existence is... 

Fleeting, important and family is the core

For, without that we are not grounded 

We are not safe and secure

We all need it

Merry Xmas 2020

PS a toast and thought for Joey 🌹

Death has no apology

Death leaves such a void

Full of life one minute and the next, gone. 

It isn't sorry and it isn't around long enough to ask why? 

Life is such a small space of time in such a currently sad existence. 

But death is unapologetic 

Death is sincere in its dagger 

What is left behind for those grieving 

Any empty space

Like a room that has no windows and when you find the door, it disappears

Like a hallucination

Overwhelmingly loud 

Overwhelmingly painful 

It takes the light 

And leaves you in the darkness.

What do we do then?

Surrounded by all of their life 

Their possessions, smells and memories 

Flooding back and too

Drowning and bereft 

Angry and no way of exhausting the emotion 

Full and tense

Tense and broken 

Like a shattered glass on a perfectly laid dinner table 

We transition 

We evolve

We rise again

In pain, and bruised but we carry on 

We learn to live again 

Without you. 

The Apocalypse Village

The grass is longer than it ever had been

Noone had seen it get this bad before 

The windows looked lifeless 

They were no longer letting in the light 

They were blurring existence 

Jagged edges of reality 

That's the way the mirrors were left in the bedroom

What had once mirrored such happy reflections 

Had now been covered in a layer of life that had fallen over the years 

Suffocating the floors

That once showed wealth with real oak

Were now covered in overdue letters and newspapers with articles detailing events to commemorate life 

The kitchen was still laid out for a dinner party

A party that would never happen 

Bottles of expensive champagne and flutes lined the side boards of the kitchen 

The oven was full of decapitated finger food

A spread fit for a queen

Was now just green dust and well past its sell by date 

This house was a castle

A castle for anyone lucky enough to live in it

Huge rooms, tall ceilings

Paintings of generations before lined the corridors 

The dressing room was full of historic artefacts 

Walking into the four walls created an overwhelming feeling of long forgotten happiness 

This house was a home

This house was filled with a loving family once upon a time 

The virus had wiped out so many houses like this

The streets all lay, lined up houses like cattle awaiting their final day 

The visit to a slaughter house 

For this town had not been so lucky 

This virus had choked the lives that once filled the shops, streets and houses 

No cars drove these streets anymore

We closed the doors

Slammed them shut 

For the next passerby to share in the tour 

The tour of an apocalypse that was man made

Something that could have been avoided

The light in the street flickered as almost to come back to life

Pop went the bulb

The light was out

The street went black

hope will always silence fear

Alas, this existence is not what we dreamt of, is it

We all had our plans this year didn't we

We had holidays booked and ideas for others pencilled in

We didn't set resolutions because we felt it was not a thing to do anymore

We didn't expect the unexpected, yet my dear weren't we always told to do just that 

Alas, 2020 is not the year we envisaged at all is it 

For most it started well, lots of social life, never really paid attention to the media and was avoiding it over #BREXIT

But how life changed 

It has taken so much from our generations 

It's taken the stability 

The power we thought we had

Invincible as we thought ourselves to be

Well this year took that from right below our feet

Yet this time we fell with it, hurt ourselves on the impact 

Disbelief 

Pain, and just general angst

Worry, fear and Social anxiety

Immune systems were our biggest warrior this year, we really hoped to win the covid19 battle than none of us had prepared for 

Most of us unfit and not ready 

Not even warmed up

Yet in, we were thrust 

That boxing ring was not waiting on us being ready 

People went mad

Started panicking in the 1000s

Those shopping delivery slots became an ounce of crack to score when logged in 

We didn't think people even used it yet they were out of stock for months 

11months in and still disarray surrounds us

Feels like a huge fog surrounding us

This whole globe, is trying to see

Trying to focus with tired eyes

Squinting into the end of the year

Celebrations have been put on hold for almost every religion 

Weddings and births even deaths tinged in covid19 battle dust

We are not to give up 

We are not to give in

Families have experienced the hardest existence in all the world 

Scared to hug family 

Feared out of visiting the lonely 

But I ask you to remember the plans you had pencilled in

The celebrations you have put on hold

We will all see the light again 

The fog will lift 

We will become stronger as a result 

The nation will be stable once more. 

Hope will always silence fear