2020.. final thoughts part 1

This was not how we pictured it was it?

Barricaded in and stood their like herd

Awaiting instructions 

Can we stay? Can we go?

Who have we lost 

Getting daily death totals like thats a normal occurrence 

The heart is just under water

That sunken feeling has become the norm

Not a thing we can do

Shut up and put up

We all look so different these days

The worry and anxiety floods our eyes

Our faces masked but the way we feel is all you can see

It is reflected in the eyes of students, children and my parents

The pain drenched us as we stand socially distant 

We'd do anything for a hug

Anything to feel that closeness

That protective parent hug that took away every pain as a child

Banged knees or grazes and a hug from Mum and Dad would sort you out 

It used to be counting the days until we saw eachother again, now I can list off the months I've waited

Life is just not real, is it?

Surely this is the worst dream I've ever conjured up

Surely 2020 had more to give us 

As we count down the final days of the year, 

We start to think about the gratitude we have 

How we are here to at least miss those instead of grieve them

How scary some experiences this year have been

How some are ongoing

That progress is being shown week in, week out

How it's not all been doom

We have seen what is important 

A huge jolt, slam your brakes on epiphany 

It hurt us all but it stuck 

It really made us see with open eyes 

What existence is... 

Fleeting, important and family is the core

For, without that we are not grounded 

We are not safe and secure

We all need it

Merry Xmas 2020

PS a toast and thought for Joey 🌹

Death has no apology

Death leaves such a void

Full of life one minute and the next, gone. 

It isn't sorry and it isn't around long enough to ask why? 

Life is such a small space of time in such a currently sad existence. 

But death is unapologetic 

Death is sincere in its dagger 

What is left behind for those grieving 

Any empty space

Like a room that has no windows and when you find the door, it disappears

Like a hallucination

Overwhelmingly loud 

Overwhelmingly painful 

It takes the light 

And leaves you in the darkness.

What do we do then?

Surrounded by all of their life 

Their possessions, smells and memories 

Flooding back and too

Drowning and bereft 

Angry and no way of exhausting the emotion 

Full and tense

Tense and broken 

Like a shattered glass on a perfectly laid dinner table 

We transition 

We evolve

We rise again

In pain, and bruised but we carry on 

We learn to live again 

Without you. 

The Apocalypse Village

The grass is longer than it ever had been

Noone had seen it get this bad before 

The windows looked lifeless 

They were no longer letting in the light 

They were blurring existence 

Jagged edges of reality 

That's the way the mirrors were left in the bedroom

What had once mirrored such happy reflections 

Had now been covered in a layer of life that had fallen over the years 

Suffocating the floors

That once showed wealth with real oak

Were now covered in overdue letters and newspapers with articles detailing events to commemorate life 

The kitchen was still laid out for a dinner party

A party that would never happen 

Bottles of expensive champagne and flutes lined the side boards of the kitchen 

The oven was full of decapitated finger food

A spread fit for a queen

Was now just green dust and well past its sell by date 

This house was a castle

A castle for anyone lucky enough to live in it

Huge rooms, tall ceilings

Paintings of generations before lined the corridors 

The dressing room was full of historic artefacts 

Walking into the four walls created an overwhelming feeling of long forgotten happiness 

This house was a home

This house was filled with a loving family once upon a time 

The virus had wiped out so many houses like this

The streets all lay, lined up houses like cattle awaiting their final day 

The visit to a slaughter house 

For this town had not been so lucky 

This virus had choked the lives that once filled the shops, streets and houses 

No cars drove these streets anymore

We closed the doors

Slammed them shut 

For the next passerby to share in the tour 

The tour of an apocalypse that was man made

Something that could have been avoided

The light in the street flickered as almost to come back to life

Pop went the bulb

The light was out

The street went black

hope will always silence fear

Alas, this existence is not what we dreamt of, is it

We all had our plans this year didn't we

We had holidays booked and ideas for others pencilled in

We didn't set resolutions because we felt it was not a thing to do anymore

We didn't expect the unexpected, yet my dear weren't we always told to do just that 

Alas, 2020 is not the year we envisaged at all is it 

For most it started well, lots of social life, never really paid attention to the media and was avoiding it over #BREXIT

But how life changed 

It has taken so much from our generations 

It's taken the stability 

The power we thought we had

Invincible as we thought ourselves to be

Well this year took that from right below our feet

Yet this time we fell with it, hurt ourselves on the impact 

Disbelief 

Pain, and just general angst

Worry, fear and Social anxiety

Immune systems were our biggest warrior this year, we really hoped to win the covid19 battle than none of us had prepared for 

Most of us unfit and not ready 

Not even warmed up

Yet in, we were thrust 

That boxing ring was not waiting on us being ready 

People went mad

Started panicking in the 1000s

Those shopping delivery slots became an ounce of crack to score when logged in 

We didn't think people even used it yet they were out of stock for months 

11months in and still disarray surrounds us

Feels like a huge fog surrounding us

This whole globe, is trying to see

Trying to focus with tired eyes

Squinting into the end of the year

Celebrations have been put on hold for almost every religion 

Weddings and births even deaths tinged in covid19 battle dust

We are not to give up 

We are not to give in

Families have experienced the hardest existence in all the world 

Scared to hug family 

Feared out of visiting the lonely 

But I ask you to remember the plans you had pencilled in

The celebrations you have put on hold

We will all see the light again 

The fog will lift 

We will become stronger as a result 

The nation will be stable once more. 

Hope will always silence fear 

do I send this... Will he answer

This nightmare is not going away

It doesn't matter how strong you think you are, or whatever weight you can lift.. It all just seems to disappear when I stop and realise this is actual existence 

Illnesses are just evolving like some shitty pokemon card

And the levels they are hitting it just getting to much to cope with 

I just want my Dad home and safe

Not in some hospital 

Coping with all this mess

Whilst the world is already on its knees

I've just had so much pain in my heart

I don't think I can carry on 

Faking it till I'm making it, is becoming such an uphill battle

Can't drag myself through these dark clouds

Rainy days

Fallen leaves

But broken hearts

Buried in autumn but still buried 

Still trying to keep going

Inner resilience is being tested 

Highest setting

Hardest level

Take me away, 

Take me faraway

Let me forget it all

Please let it all be how it was

Please

character building..

I received the message, couldn't tell you what I was doing that day really.. Feels a little surreal

I tried my best you know, pulled myself up like an old used coat hanger, it was all bent the wrong way but it kept me walking, I also kept scraping fingernails into the stairs, to keep me going... 

It snapped though 

Everything fell to the floor

Didn't know where to start

Heaps of just shit, everywhere 

Couldn't see the floor

Couldn't see the bottom

Couldn't stop the blurry eyes

Blurry lines

Tears that stained my day.. 

Day by day

Made a new stand 

Still looked twisted, metal stuck up

Days became weeks

It was like looking in a mirror with opaque lenses 

If I couldn't see it happening it meant it wasnt

But at night, when the sleep light went out 

I was left in the dark surrounded 

Truth

Pain

It just feels like a bizarre dream, mixed with unfortunate real life existence 

I can't get away from it but at the same time I am not looking to run away

I am facing it

I am living and breathing it

This is not a gossip column

I am not your entertainment 

Life has spun a fast one

Taken with it all we ever worked for

Next few weeks are just very much the same 

Yet my distraction will be closed

Lock down 'ain't got nufin on this' 

Sunday phone call

Phone rings

You alright Dad, its Kim 

I'd normally call you about this time wouldnt I?

Tell you about my week and the weekends plans, weather, my fitness achievements 

You'd just listen to me

Fill me with confidence 

Tell me about a person you saw who reminded you of someone I'd know 

Tell me about the bikes you'd seen in the town near your place in France 

What food you'd eaten, the weather being so hot, you said it was like walking with someone putting a hair dryer on your feet. 

No air 

Crashing waves and dust bum running in and out (the dog)

But

Today I can't call you

Because at the moment you aren't available 

You aren't well

And you aren't even aware of it

You knew you felt ill didn't you 

We told you to get it checked out... 

I told you to come home earlier.. 

Well, today we went to Canon Hill Park again, but this time with Charl and Nico

They are here. All supporting each other

Patty saw lots of VW made her miss Offred. 

You'd have loved watching me on the swings

Made me feel queasy 

Crazy 

I'm holding off on the car for a bit 

Brought it with you didn't I?

So ill hold onto it

You'd say, if it's not broken don't fix it

I miss you

Silly jokes

Your funny expressions 

Just the big Dad hugs when you squeeze me tight 

I know you are here though, with me right now... forever 

We are all doing our best

Mum has been brilliant 

Nick flew out to France

You are worth it all

It's hard

You said we were made of strong stuff

It's in our blood

Mum says you'd be proud 

I'm going to go now

That's what you'd say isn't it

Been a long call Kim

Things to do 

I understand I'd say 

I love you Dad

Take care 

Come home soon please...

PS I made some mash potato, almost like yours 😊

2020

Life is scary

Not an existence any of us are used to 

Noone can tell us the end

Noone has a clue

Normally in life we see tragedy but we are on the other side, from the outside looking in

But this time we are in the same boat 

The boat keeps leaking, the water keeps coming in, people are jumping overboard, taking lives by the second, blinking and we lose another 1000

Careless waste

Not a person in this world can help us because it is a strange horrorful collab

We are all in it at the same time 

We can't swim away from it

It is silent and no radar picks it up

Please help us

Please stop the loss

Please tell me that life can resume

That life will be better

That life can conquer this evil

Find a vaccine 

Find a fcuking cure to this sick epidemic 

This epidemic which is taking the innocent 

It is not just taking lives but it is changing lives

Giving birth alone

Leaving pets in vets without owners

No visitors 

No support network

We are finally going through experiences alone 

Like birth 

We are alone 

Professionals all masked up 

Can't see their facial expressions 

The deaf don't have a way of understanding 

The elderly are alone 

It's taking us 

Taking our freedom

The laughter

The family 

The community is strained 

Lives have been changed forever

Our mindset is evolving 

Health is important 

We need health 

We need people 

We need freedom 

Masks cover faces 

Hide faces

Hide the fear 

Fear is in houses 

Windows are locked 

Doors are closed 

Some people have no bubble 

Some people don't understand 

Children are silenced in parks 

But 

The planet got healthier 

Animals flourished 

Noise pollution reduced

It changed outlooks 

But we can never have it all can we

Hold those close that you can

Share your thoughts 

Discuss your dreams 

Live your life as best as you can

With all restrictions in place 

Breathe in the fresh air 

Watch plants grow

Flourish in this new life

This new existence 

What 2020 taught us 

time to trust me

What if when I close the door for the final time

The lock changes and the door drops

What if it never opens again 

What if I have shut it all by accident 

And I can't go back

What if I want to go back

What if I am starting to miss the qualities 

What if I am missing me

The me who just perked up the room

I remember the first month passing 

The thoughts were not in my head space 

The space had been cleaned out and nothing was blocking production

It was a brilliant feeling 

Such bliss not being disturbed by over thinking 

Such bliss being able to just do things without any concern for outcomes

Not haphazard but just "normal"

But over time this blankness became a numbness which in turn became silence

Even I hadn't noticed properly then but the silence became deafening now and I realised I needed to change it

Do something 

I felt a part of myself was just lost 

Stuck behind this door which would not open anymore

I struggled to pull it open

When at times it wouldn't close

Got stuck

One extreme to the other

Tiring to just sit there 

Almost begging for thoughts 

Not a real answer to questions 

Like the heart is not involved 

Forcing emotions at times

Missing the traffic

Not enjoying the empty roads anymore 

So 

I decided I would make the necessary changes 

Tough decision 

But necessary 

It's been 2 days

Cut it down

Will continue to do so

Watch this space 

painting by numbers... not finished

When is life ever this helpful

When does it give you instruction and guidance so that all you do is follow the steps and create your dream

How are we supposed to do it justice if none of us even know the rules

If none of us can translate the ruins how will we ever do as they want

We all just walk this life without any real idea. One minute we are here, the next we aren't 

We don't really know why we come or where we go when we leave 

What is next?

We are a long time dead, but where do we spend this long time?

I shan't pretend that I feel safe right now 

I shan't pretend that this existence right now is a stressful nightmare 

We have no where to hide 

We don't have a final day

We don't know how long this could take

Or how many more lives it will take

Take off to this long time dead

This long time waiting 

last time...

It is sometimes a hard expectation to make upon others

That this will be the last time

That if you tell them it's nothing anymore and this is it

Will they listen

What if you are told it

No more 

Nothing left to hold on to

Your hands struggling to hold on to the handles that slip away and disappear into your unconscious 

I mean imagine a couple

They have been out on a night together 

It has been rocky 

Rocky being an understatement 

They have had nights of silence after bashing walls with hands and frustration 

They yell until the tears sting and stain their faces over the things the other needs to change 

Maybe he drank too much 

Maybe that was his problem 

He'd drink for no reason and no excuse 

Just because he could 

He would only drink more if you brought it up

As time continued the drinking became his crutch 

It was his ammo

If he was angry he fueled it more with this 

If you were hurt he would use it

The rows would last for days 

Both stubborn so making up was never easy and to be honest it got harder and less compelling as the months dragged on by

One day you wake up 

Headache from the tears and the rowing 

Headache from the realisation that nothing you say or do will change him 

You cannot go on like this.. 

This night out used your drama skills well

To any bystander you look like the perfect couple 

You look good, dress well and laugh at all the right places 

Meal few drinks and a night on the dance floor

Only his favourite has joined you

Alcohol is out too

Pints become shots become shorts become pints 

He's smoking too much and kissing him is like swiping an ash tray

Your attention is not on him so he finds it off others 

Making a fool of himself as he's falling on people as he sways 

Drink in hand

Security remove him twice for smoking inside 

It's call a cab time and he's spent all his money 

You end up walking

You are upset 

He's drunk 

You cannot go on like this... 

life goes on..

It's crazy really isn't it

You can be changing your whole world

And someone you know is just in the same place

We are packing up, and making boxes and sealing away our lives

And others are bringing home new bbqs and planning a weekend sesh 

Lives just carry on around you

People just carry on 

Conversations, work, driving, walking passed you on the street. 

Noone knows what anyone is dealing with

How they feel

Noone walks around with that much honesty 

I guess it's just strange 

Strange how life can be

That's all 

law of attraction - reminder

When do we say enough is enough

When are we so fully worked up that we cannot give another ounce of care

When is it OK to say I can't keep up anymore 

Life is not a continuous cycle, that we must elude to the pretence of being OK with all of the time. 

Life can throw some real mud pies that hurt and leave pain and bruising

That does happen and it doesn't make you less of a person for saying these are my hands and they are up because I can't go on anymore. 

I mean in boxing they get a towel so what makes you so invincible to show this theatre of pain and anger if you are struggling

You do not need to apologise either 

You have noone to answer to but yourself 

But please just allow it to happen and not to the point of crippling below the tomb of life's weight in which you carry around

Put it down before it gets like that

You are not letting anyone down

This is not a weakness

This is a strength 

A strength that we are all born with 

We were all born

In whatever circumstance

Whether wanted, planned, painful birth or easy. You might even have taken a life in your delivery but you made it

You made it here and you took that first breath alone

Although you were shown how to, or given lessons of learning how to do life, you still did it all by yourself 

Even those who have disabilities, they are still being 

They are still showing and displaying resilience and strength in all that they do

To trip up or fall, or even 'fail' is strength as it shows that you tried

And to try is to create strength 

Through our mind or our physical capabilities we all inherently have this brilliant spark inside of us

Some people give in to the dark 

Others shine brighter 

Stars shine bright 

Love yourself and be yourself and stand fcuking proud 

Fly high

Fly so high

Be that rainbow, be that inspiration 

Show others you can do it 

Never let someone give up on themselves

Never give up on yourselves

Be human

Be alive 

Keep breathing 

You got yourself here, so you can change the direction you are headed

You can change the minds thought from negative to positive 

You attract all that you are

You attract what you will become

So what's its going to be? 

New life vs Old existence

What happened to the life we used to live

It came and went like an overnight dream 

It's funny how complacent we all became with existence as it was 

Get up shit teeth eat chat teach eat chat sleep 

See people, go anywhere a passport to anywhere 

Monies in the bank 

Spend on new clothes, petrol, food drinks and holidays 

5 days a week in a classroom 

Students your audience 

Advice and wisdom 

Planning and marking 

Sometimes stress and sometimes not 

Late nights, training, phone calls, no time to return them, unread messages, looking at posts about food and nandos and nights out and heavy heads

Charity runs, new cars, new houses, new pets 

Glamour and riches 

Showing off

Busy and more busy

No time 

Disrupted sleep from loud cars driving too fast down roads with noone walking 

Just more cars and more traffic 

Asthma on the rise from the environment 

Germs and heart problems 

Death rate increases 

More buses more cost more trains less space 

People everywhere 

Like sardines in a tin

Pushed up against the unknown 

Germs clean people or not 

Try on clothes

Try before you buy

Who else did that

Who else been here 

Who else's hands? Clean? Washed?

Never stopped to think about it

Mortality is not something to forget 

Life is fragile 

Cars break people in their speeds

Their lifestyle dosing up the brains and filling mind with issues and adrenaline which then falls out into people 

Hate and fights and conflict 

It's all gone down the plug hole now though 

Life has changed 

Existence is different 

Nothing we can do 

Less cars 

No speeding 

Different reasoning for death 

Health first, luxuries take a sleep 

Luxury items change 

No longer a car, but a new plant 

No longer eating out but families cooking together 

All involved 

All walking 

All getting steps 

Money is now monitored 

Life is different 

For better or for worse?

Only time will see

Keep chin up

Embrace and change 

Be the best you, you can be 

Change is coming

When its all said and done

And the curtains are drawn and the new day is starting to reveal itself through the far away views across the hills

And the light is filtering in and the minutes count down the end of yet another 24 hours on this earth 

It is within the silence that our mind starts to travel

It starts to think over the has beens of this week or month 

But when something such as our current life happens, Covid19 to be exact floats in quietly 

Not enough people are awake to listen

And before we know it we are swamped with the unfortunate acts of this virus which is taking lives away at a rate of knots

We cannot contain it and we cannot control it and in life that is all we ever want

Think about arguments they are usually masked in some kind of control or authority 

Whether someone has too much or too little 

But that is usually the issue is it not?

Now we are faced with the actuality that life is not that strong 

In fact even after decades of reminders over plastic and the ozone layer and global warming even after the impact on the Antarctic only now are we really listening 

Only now is life less selfish and less egocentric 

Now we are in a environment where we can not move freely

We cannot do as we please or roam where we like 

We are stuck in one place with very little freedom 

We are restricted by rules set by our leaders

We are not thinking about silly issues at work or stupid rows with people

We are thinking about our health and our humanity 

We are thinking about family and how little we really do

How little we really contact 

How much we want to say

The fact that we are adults now with new lives and daily routine 

We are now pushed into a corner without any access

We are teaching from home

We are missing contact 

But for me, I am stuck with my favourite and that I am thankful for

I am thankful for having that in my life 

That even though its really hard right now, at least I am with the one person who truly understands my feelings and knows how to help me

Life would be so trivial 

Drives home stressed out by such little things really 

On the scale of life right now, these little things pale into insignificance

They are no longer important and there they should remain 

We need to believe that a brighter day is coming 

Like the moon did last night, it shone bright and strong 

One thing we are used to, is the power of the moon 

Luckily that has not changed 

But everything else has and should 

We cannot not go backwards 

We need to take all lessons from this pandemic 

Make a change and keep it 

Life is too short 

Health is vulnerable 

We are not as indestructible as we think we are

Pandemics are rare but are changing our way

Paving new roads

To new lives 

Also a personal reminder 

No longer should you look and seek validation from anybody other than yourself 

You are strong 

You are capable 

Own it 

Mum Arnii

From day one you just understood who I was

You knew my language

You would know when I needed a hug 

We were encompassed in a friendship that went deeper than blood

We would be able to really talk to each other and it make a difference 

You picked me up when I felt unable 

You'd be a guide in the dark

You would warn me even if I went ahead anyway 

You are someone who must have experienced enough to pass on your wisdom to us and others

You are a professional who has empowered people all your working life 

You were someone, as a child, that I wanted to be

I always wanted to make you laugh

I have always wanted to make you proud 

You are my Mum

You are my anchor to life

You helped me through the difficult times and came with me through the good

You have a great sense of humour

You have great dress sense

You love shoes and old school drama series

You love Bowie

And I love you

Happy birthday Mum

Be proud of all you have achieved and who I am, as a result of your guidance

Just four walls and boxes of unplayed cassettes

Go on grab me that box from over there

Have you ever seen these?

You won't be familiar at all

Probably won't have any way of playing them

Me and my sister used to record on them

We were quite techy for the time

Now though you don't even own 

You just stream

The filter dream 

The complicated obsessive compulsive reactions

No thinking 

Just yellow blobs of expression 

No real depth 

No real pain 

You know I can recall a time where we sent letters 

Not in the post always 

But in lesson

Hand written

Pens, paper, little conversations 

They were kept and treasured 

There was never problems with memory and deleting files

They were never taken out of context 

They were never shared and reshared and shown to a global world on some network of infinite WiFi 

I can recall a time where we would just chill out 

A blanket in the garden, a magazine about pop stars, or a sibling

We did chores the same, learnt to cook the same 

But it was all physical contact 

None of this social life over the Internet 

None of this social media existence 

We couldn't just delete a page 

We were in real time

It was remembered 

Getting drunk for the first time 

Talking about real feelings

Staying up all night in each others company 

Sitting with only the traffic as a background noise 

Films on videos 

Music on cassettes

Cds and dvds

Being out 

Social distancing for us is not a norm

It never was

Being stuck inside

It's not easy for our generation 

Well, as I said

These are cassettes 

They stored all we wanted

You couldn't press repeat

We lived in the real time 

Big brother

Life is full of watchers and stalkers and Cambridge analytica

They are in every home

Every street

They follow your every move

They read your messages and watch your searches

They watch you when you think you are alone

They hear you talk to yourself 

They watch you lie and cry

They see it all

They push you into the way they want you to be

They mould you and groom you

They show you articles of hate

They get inside your head 

They push your buttons 

They make relationships blossom 

They pull you apart 

They drag up your memories and rake over scars via apps we have installed giving access to our secrets

They know your favourite clothes and shops and routes to work 

They know when you go out and drink they read those texts you send to your other halves and save the pictures

Big brother is not something we can escape 

It is a game and access we have been set up on

One without levels or ways out

Just winding roads and no lights 

The media creates the problems 

Creates the culture of panic and moral dilemma

It takes away esteem and pushes limits 

Takes lives and innocence 

Puts us all into fearful places 

With no way out 

No small door or open window

Just cctv and app access

Accept this or do not install

Put all of your details everywhere

Email, password, access key

We will store them and create a fingerprint of you forever

And even when you are dead

We will remember and set up social media in loving memory.. 

time is never changing

Time is never changing

We have had the same time in a day since we entered this earth 

But age can change that 

Age can make some days drag 

Age can make some days fly by 

Age can stop time

I have had a good time in my life

I have loved with all that I am and felt it back

I know what I want here 

I want to have memories and deep experiences that make the hairs stand on my neck

I want to have holidays with views that stop time 

Stop me walking and hold me in place

I want to see a sunset that won't let me blink

I want to lay below a blue sky with a tipple and my wife by my side

I want a full filled life

One which brings me to bed each night, exhilarated but tired

Tired because I am doing all my body will allow me too

Exercising because I want healthy organs

Eating well to nourish all I have to ensure my life is lived healthily and right 

To keep my conscience clear from deceit and lies

To tell people what I think with sensitivity and empathy 

To be that teacher that students learn vital lessons and grow through 

Build discipline into the future generation 

Be kind and compassionate 

So that when my time is up

And its recorded as my last minute, my existence is not forgotten

But that its left memories in people's minds as they grow older

The teachers I remember from my education help shape me now

Maybe I could help shape others

Time does not change 

We change