Been lost

When the leaves started to grow on the trees around my garden 

I saw life starting and the sun shone so strong above and warmed the grass and my heart 

I was no longer working and the days were blissful if a little scary 

The times were slowly passing but I was here for it as I had nothing else 

I was so positive about the outcomes and reality that my statement would change for the better 

I would sit in the garden and my eyes closed coffee in hand and I would feel ok 

I would feel protected and warmed 

Time seemed to be flying by and I could not see an ending anytime soon 

The leaves that once glistened in the sunshine were starting to die 

They were changing colour and with the change came the doubt in my heart 

I was saddened as they browned

Eventually the weather changed 

The rain would not stop

The garden was drowning in its clatter

The leaves were strewn about the floor

No more sunshine 

No more warmed heart 

Just fear

Wind rain and fear

A little time

Build me up like the blocks of a child’s pass time before me

Make sure the blocks can’t be removed 

My life cannot be that Jenga like structure I have so often experienced in my past

Tell me about the times you have had falls so big that the cuts left deep rooted scars that reappeared in dark nights and low moods

For I am just 35 but for the persecutions I’ve lived in I feel so much older

But not so much wiser as you’d all like me to be

I have always put my arms out for others 

Drowning myself just to save a soul

In pain and alone but others use me as stepping stones to love or achievements 

Am I where I thought I’d be?

Probably in most cases 

In most elements of my life I have exceeded 

Marriage a home my family still here 

Personal development seems to have stopped in areas 

The A

And this is not what I expected to find out 

But in a way the release of they why’s and how’s are now subtly collecting their belongings and leaving 

The overwhelming existence I have endured has finally come to some form of understanding and conclusion 

The reality that I was never able to change all that I longed to 

Or understanding others reasoning for making their choices and in most cases leaving me behind has not been in vain but is now just attached to a further explanation, one without blame but answers 

The A word

So what do I do now 

This is not the ending I had wanted and now it’s all that I can choose 

The end credits play out now as I sit unable to move

Paralysed with feelings that are overflowing and pouring out on the floor 

I cannot just accept this is all I can gain

I wanted more

I am not happy with this I want to make a complaint 

But there is no customer service available to fix this sordid mess

This is reality and I am awake and I have no choice but to roll over hurt and in pain and await my fate

It’s not the best time either as we draw down to the final act of the academic year 

The curtain closer is stood on the side of the stage ready to untie the wraps and let these heavy pieces of cloth cover the faces of all those I have taught 

They will be leaving and I am left with pride but a void which in its typical A way will need filling 

This life is just exhausting the way that I am is all to the surface and people can see the truth 

Finally

Finally we have an answer that we can all sit down and discuss with stale biscuits and cold tea

But it’s not that simple for me you know

I don’t sit there with my light bulb on brightly glowing and a smile on my face

I feel even more entrenched in my own existence and I feel ever more upset and baffled that all this life of mine, this persistent ache in my heart has finally got a name but that does not FIX it

It just fills my head with even more questioning and even more loss 

The pain has not stopped 

It just makes it less resolvable 

I cannot have closure on this for this is a diagnosis which cannot be undone 

I know it’s real and I see it all the time now

And I’m not afraid that it is my truth 

I just feel disappointed that I cannot have a trauma that could be uncovered and then I went normal 

Normal like the world appears to be on its surface 

The normal I can never experience for I am not 

I still miss the people that have been part of my journey

I miss the conversation and the banter and the distraction 

They don’t feel it 

Their game is over 

We both needed distractions but mine was deeper 

My attraction to life falls far deeper than the depths of the sea

I feel deeper and stronger than anyone I could ever meet

And with each day it falls heavier on my heart 

Heavier on my mind 

Heavier still…

Ask me how I feel

I answer with, this is deepest deep I have ever felt and it’s scary but exciting to be alive but also drains me every second I am awake and I want this to stop. I want to wake up as if this was a dream. One I will tell my P as I wake. But I know in that moment her eyes tell me this is not a dream. This is my life and always will be. 

Illness turns to meltdown

Never should we look at our peripheral and think anything but gratitude 

For we are not here to complain 

We are not here to look for more money or more stuff

We are here to live and love hard

For when I think of people with money and stuff I do not picture the happiness or warmth in their smiles

I feel the want of warmth at night with a close loved one, or a walk in the autumn holding hands with their spouse 

Stuff is exciting, you unwrap it and you wear it or eat it or show people it

It’s like a trophy 

But trophy’s rust 

Trophy’s are only as good as their trend or status 

When they are no longer on trend they are placed back in a box and take up space in the eaves

They cannot go with us 

These clothes and shoes

They cannot all be worn at the same time 

The food will only make you fat after all 

So why do I feel sick with this feeling of not having trophies?

Why am I worried about money and stuff

Why am I stressing over what I think I need

I have found as you get older, illness becomes more than a day off and daytime tv and being waited on by your mum and dad

It becomes a mental chore

You don’t switch off to rest and relax 

You switch on full wack and you blow up your mind with thoughts of everything you cannot do

Everything you should be doing at work but can’t because of being off sick

The list of jobs you will have to do as you return spirals 

Your dreams are all work 

You wake up thinking about the call to Hr 

You sit in your house and you feel guilt 

Guilt and almost lazy because you are ill 

It all just catches up with you and internally you feel miserable 

A waste man 

But you are ill 

For as a working adult to call in sick and not be would never be

And being off sick is no fun 

Not like the days of this morning and loose women, that’s for sure

What is

What is this life really

For we all participate without understanding or validation

We are not asked or chosen but placed 

We are here for nothing other than breath 

And sometimes that is too hard

We are all here making the most with what we are given

Learning and experiencing moments that cannot be repeated 

It’s hard and it’s cruel at times

Life hurts 

Life hurts more than is advertised 

But no one gives up because of this fact

We dig deep

Roll up our sleeves and do all we can 

Fight for all we can get and hope for the best

What else is there?

Autumn leaf 🍁

As I sit here looking out at the fall

The season that brings with it the end of the summer and the preparation for winter 

I sit here with feelings of sadness

Life is such an uphill struggle for all living things these days 

Not just a simple three meal 8hours sleep exercise

But a life filled with stress, worry, hate and illness

We are born into this life with one goal

To live

And that is something that we all fight for each and every day. Some have harder fights, some have more support friends and family but alone we choose our destiny

Animals in the wild have no one 

They simply are born and then do all they can instinctively to survive 

My cats are just this. Alone but with fire in their bellies to be here

When this fight is over, we are like the autumn leaf on the highest branch 

That wind takes us on a journey down and there we rest

We rest for eternity

But surrounding that tree is the memories they left behind

Flashback to the summer skies when the sun shone through the windows of this house  brightening up the room and bringing with it a warmth

Pictures of this garden would show these trees full of colourful leaves that brought a smile

Flashback further to the person who went out and brought the seeds to plant the tree

Just because the leaves have fallen doesn’t mean we have forgotten the sweet smell of the flower which blossomed in the spring 

For people it is a lot bigger

For with people the memories can be endless

And they are shared amongst family friends and people you meet 

Right from your spouse to your post man 

The smile you gave that person in the street, who might have been sad

Or the way you made your child feel at Xmas

These Memories never fade

Not if we remember them 

Talk about them

Bring them with us

For people and lives can live on for eternity

Keep them treasured in your heart forever 

RIP RE