The A word

So what do I do now 

This is not the ending I had wanted and now it’s all that I can choose 

The end credits play out now as I sit unable to move

Paralysed with feelings that are overflowing and pouring out on the floor 

I cannot just accept this is all I can gain

I wanted more

I am not happy with this I want to make a complaint 

But there is no customer service available to fix this sordid mess

This is reality and I am awake and I have no choice but to roll over hurt and in pain and await my fate

It’s not the best time either as we draw down to the final act of the academic year 

The curtain closer is stood on the side of the stage ready to untie the wraps and let these heavy pieces of cloth cover the faces of all those I have taught 

They will be leaving and I am left with pride but a void which in its typical A way will need filling 

This life is just exhausting the way that I am is all to the surface and people can see the truth 

Finally

Finally we have an answer that we can all sit down and discuss with stale biscuits and cold tea

But it’s not that simple for me you know

I don’t sit there with my light bulb on brightly glowing and a smile on my face

I feel even more entrenched in my own existence and I feel ever more upset and baffled that all this life of mine, this persistent ache in my heart has finally got a name but that does not FIX it

It just fills my head with even more questioning and even more loss 

The pain has not stopped 

It just makes it less resolvable 

I cannot have closure on this for this is a diagnosis which cannot be undone 

I know it’s real and I see it all the time now

And I’m not afraid that it is my truth 

I just feel disappointed that I cannot have a trauma that could be uncovered and then I went normal 

Normal like the world appears to be on its surface 

The normal I can never experience for I am not 

I still miss the people that have been part of my journey

I miss the conversation and the banter and the distraction 

They don’t feel it 

Their game is over 

We both needed distractions but mine was deeper 

My attraction to life falls far deeper than the depths of the sea

I feel deeper and stronger than anyone I could ever meet

And with each day it falls heavier on my heart 

Heavier on my mind 

Heavier still…

Ask me how I feel

I answer with, this is deepest deep I have ever felt and it’s scary but exciting to be alive but also drains me every second I am awake and I want this to stop. I want to wake up as if this was a dream. One I will tell my P as I wake. But I know in that moment her eyes tell me this is not a dream. This is my life and always will be.