Just four walls and boxes of unplayed cassettes

Go on grab me that box from over there

Have you ever seen these?

You won't be familiar at all

Probably won't have any way of playing them

Me and my sister used to record on them

We were quite techy for the time

Now though you don't even own 

You just stream

The filter dream 

The complicated obsessive compulsive reactions

No thinking 

Just yellow blobs of expression 

No real depth 

No real pain 

You know I can recall a time where we sent letters 

Not in the post always 

But in lesson

Hand written

Pens, paper, little conversations 

They were kept and treasured 

There was never problems with memory and deleting files

They were never taken out of context 

They were never shared and reshared and shown to a global world on some network of infinite WiFi 

I can recall a time where we would just chill out 

A blanket in the garden, a magazine about pop stars, or a sibling

We did chores the same, learnt to cook the same 

But it was all physical contact 

None of this social life over the Internet 

None of this social media existence 

We couldn't just delete a page 

We were in real time

It was remembered 

Getting drunk for the first time 

Talking about real feelings

Staying up all night in each others company 

Sitting with only the traffic as a background noise 

Films on videos 

Music on cassettes

Cds and dvds

Being out 

Social distancing for us is not a norm

It never was

Being stuck inside

It's not easy for our generation 

Well, as I said

These are cassettes 

They stored all we wanted

You couldn't press repeat

We lived in the real time 

Big brother

Life is full of watchers and stalkers and Cambridge analytica

They are in every home

Every street

They follow your every move

They read your messages and watch your searches

They watch you when you think you are alone

They hear you talk to yourself 

They watch you lie and cry

They see it all

They push you into the way they want you to be

They mould you and groom you

They show you articles of hate

They get inside your head 

They push your buttons 

They make relationships blossom 

They pull you apart 

They drag up your memories and rake over scars via apps we have installed giving access to our secrets

They know your favourite clothes and shops and routes to work 

They know when you go out and drink they read those texts you send to your other halves and save the pictures

Big brother is not something we can escape 

It is a game and access we have been set up on

One without levels or ways out

Just winding roads and no lights 

The media creates the problems 

Creates the culture of panic and moral dilemma

It takes away esteem and pushes limits 

Takes lives and innocence 

Puts us all into fearful places 

With no way out 

No small door or open window

Just cctv and app access

Accept this or do not install

Put all of your details everywhere

Email, password, access key

We will store them and create a fingerprint of you forever

And even when you are dead

We will remember and set up social media in loving memory.. 

time is never changing

Time is never changing

We have had the same time in a day since we entered this earth 

But age can change that 

Age can make some days drag 

Age can make some days fly by 

Age can stop time

I have had a good time in my life

I have loved with all that I am and felt it back

I know what I want here 

I want to have memories and deep experiences that make the hairs stand on my neck

I want to have holidays with views that stop time 

Stop me walking and hold me in place

I want to see a sunset that won't let me blink

I want to lay below a blue sky with a tipple and my wife by my side

I want a full filled life

One which brings me to bed each night, exhilarated but tired

Tired because I am doing all my body will allow me too

Exercising because I want healthy organs

Eating well to nourish all I have to ensure my life is lived healthily and right 

To keep my conscience clear from deceit and lies

To tell people what I think with sensitivity and empathy 

To be that teacher that students learn vital lessons and grow through 

Build discipline into the future generation 

Be kind and compassionate 

So that when my time is up

And its recorded as my last minute, my existence is not forgotten

But that its left memories in people's minds as they grow older

The teachers I remember from my education help shape me now

Maybe I could help shape others

Time does not change 

We change 

Joey, my beautiful cat

I miss you
I miss your face, your eyes and your fluffy tail and paws
I miss the massages on my arms you used to give me
I miss your lil noises your miaow and your cleaning rituals
I miss your comfort and your affection
I miss your scent and the thickness of your fur
I miss how you'd sit and listen to me ramble on
I looked to you for advice and in my heart I felt you gave it
You calmed down rows
You made us feel needed on dark days
You were beautiful
You were Joey
I will love you forever
The pain of you leaving us last night is deep and it hurts
But i trust that you are near and you will guide us through it
Like you did
Through no work and stress and anxiety
And grief of other pets and family
Through life you were with us
On holidays and sunny days and long cold wintery days
This is not goodbye
This is, I'll see you soon

You were my fur baby. You brought so much happiness to me and P. We were the ♥️🔼

Life is not the same anymore but I trust that it will repair. We will grieve and we will repair. I love you
28/12/2019
28th April 2004 - 27th December 2019

Xmas day 2019

And as we walk down the last short tunnel to the end of the year we try not to look back

To look back would make us focus less on what's coming up and this way we could trip

We try not to look back at the parts of life we have missed or the parts of life we wish to forget 

We try not to ponder on decisions we have made and those pending

We try to look at the future with open eyes

With hearts full but ready for more

Families are close but not as close as they were when the days were shorter and our skin was younger

Christmas is not the same but a new experience, a mature version which is filled with splendour and expensive meals and gifts

It's not about the falling asleep and trying to dream, waiting for Father Christmas but the trying to stay awake as the clock ticks down the day, 

Work is full and gets fuller each year as our experience and expertise grows

We are not planning weekends but years in advance and its exciting

Our life is round and full

My heart beats and its happy

I have few close friends left but those left matter

I have close colleagues who find the good and keep it

I have family full of warmth memories and the best hugs and a cat who has given me fun and love for almost 16yrs

Then there's my wife

She's a perfect day in a wretched sleet filled view

She's the soft in the rough and she's my life

Sunsets are stunning glistening off her eyes and I look forward to each year we celebrate together entwined 

mind play

And who creates the time we make in our minds

Who makes the people move and hug and kiss

Who creates the barriers up high above heads so noone can ever look in

Never see the masterpiece sat so close but so far from the human eye

Who creates the ties that rebuild shattered hearts and lives

Who pulls the skin together and seals the lines to stop the blood from pouring out and leaking onto the newly painted walls, the newly fitted flooring that covers the old ruins of the previous surface, tarnished from anger and rows 

Tarnished and then banished below the flooring that is neatly applied on top

Using it as support 

Walking over it everyday 

Recreating the original pictures with the new memories 

Not rowing but loving and enjoying

The moments in our minds could play out forever

See a moment in one's mind can be edited and slowed down and can really zoom in to detail 

Almost like a deep dream that you wake from

The random specifics that you recall sit deep in our imagination 

They come out to play in the night time when you are quiet enough to actually relax, drift and think

Make it up as you go

Like an abstract picture

Or a random joke

Or this poem

swallow it down

Stop trying to control it all

Some things are to happen in their own order and at their own time

We can't all have what we want, else where would anyone be. 

Life is not just for taking, there is always a queue in the shop, waiting to buy that gift you have eyed up

You have to wait your turn

But who does that these days 

Noone can be bothered 

We'd rather walk away and let someone else have it

Walk away angrily and more stressed than we were

Giving in to our lack of patience and then you are left with a shitter feeling inside 

But that doesn't stop us

Then we get into our cars and sit in traffic and that just triggers us more. Till we are swearing, so we turn the music up and start shouting out the lyrics and emphasising the swear words, the lights switch to red on every set and you start getting so worked up you're actually crying now. The tears roll down your cheeks as you fight your way through the roads to your house. That welcomes you but you don't see it

You don't see any of it anymore

You are wearing tightly fitted rose tinted specs and you just shrug it all away 

You have just about had enough of it all 

But you have nothing left to give

You are numb and the words in songs just wash over you 

Nothing left in the sentimentality. Nothing anymore 

Just white noise