Joey, my beautiful cat

I miss you
I miss your face, your eyes and your fluffy tail and paws
I miss the massages on my arms you used to give me
I miss your lil noises your miaow and your cleaning rituals
I miss your comfort and your affection
I miss your scent and the thickness of your fur
I miss how you'd sit and listen to me ramble on
I looked to you for advice and in my heart I felt you gave it
You calmed down rows
You made us feel needed on dark days
You were beautiful
You were Joey
I will love you forever
The pain of you leaving us last night is deep and it hurts
But i trust that you are near and you will guide us through it
Like you did
Through no work and stress and anxiety
And grief of other pets and family
Through life you were with us
On holidays and sunny days and long cold wintery days
This is not goodbye
This is, I'll see you soon

You were my fur baby. You brought so much happiness to me and P. We were the ♥️🔼

Life is not the same anymore but I trust that it will repair. We will grieve and we will repair. I love you
28/12/2019
28th April 2004 - 27th December 2019

Xmas day 2019

And as we walk down the last short tunnel to the end of the year we try not to look back

To look back would make us focus less on what's coming up and this way we could trip

We try not to look back at the parts of life we have missed or the parts of life we wish to forget 

We try not to ponder on decisions we have made and those pending

We try to look at the future with open eyes

With hearts full but ready for more

Families are close but not as close as they were when the days were shorter and our skin was younger

Christmas is not the same but a new experience, a mature version which is filled with splendour and expensive meals and gifts

It's not about the falling asleep and trying to dream, waiting for Father Christmas but the trying to stay awake as the clock ticks down the day, 

Work is full and gets fuller each year as our experience and expertise grows

We are not planning weekends but years in advance and its exciting

Our life is round and full

My heart beats and its happy

I have few close friends left but those left matter

I have close colleagues who find the good and keep it

I have family full of warmth memories and the best hugs and a cat who has given me fun and love for almost 16yrs

Then there's my wife

She's a perfect day in a wretched sleet filled view

She's the soft in the rough and she's my life

Sunsets are stunning glistening off her eyes and I look forward to each year we celebrate together entwined 

mind play

And who creates the time we make in our minds

Who makes the people move and hug and kiss

Who creates the barriers up high above heads so noone can ever look in

Never see the masterpiece sat so close but so far from the human eye

Who creates the ties that rebuild shattered hearts and lives

Who pulls the skin together and seals the lines to stop the blood from pouring out and leaking onto the newly painted walls, the newly fitted flooring that covers the old ruins of the previous surface, tarnished from anger and rows 

Tarnished and then banished below the flooring that is neatly applied on top

Using it as support 

Walking over it everyday 

Recreating the original pictures with the new memories 

Not rowing but loving and enjoying

The moments in our minds could play out forever

See a moment in one's mind can be edited and slowed down and can really zoom in to detail 

Almost like a deep dream that you wake from

The random specifics that you recall sit deep in our imagination 

They come out to play in the night time when you are quiet enough to actually relax, drift and think

Make it up as you go

Like an abstract picture

Or a random joke

Or this poem

swallow it down

Stop trying to control it all

Some things are to happen in their own order and at their own time

We can't all have what we want, else where would anyone be. 

Life is not just for taking, there is always a queue in the shop, waiting to buy that gift you have eyed up

You have to wait your turn

But who does that these days 

Noone can be bothered 

We'd rather walk away and let someone else have it

Walk away angrily and more stressed than we were

Giving in to our lack of patience and then you are left with a shitter feeling inside 

But that doesn't stop us

Then we get into our cars and sit in traffic and that just triggers us more. Till we are swearing, so we turn the music up and start shouting out the lyrics and emphasising the swear words, the lights switch to red on every set and you start getting so worked up you're actually crying now. The tears roll down your cheeks as you fight your way through the roads to your house. That welcomes you but you don't see it

You don't see any of it anymore

You are wearing tightly fitted rose tinted specs and you just shrug it all away 

You have just about had enough of it all 

But you have nothing left to give

You are numb and the words in songs just wash over you 

Nothing left in the sentimentality. Nothing anymore 

Just white noise 

silenced

You can be so full of words and in an instant something is said that shuts your mind off.

There is no where to run to when you are the voice of reason

You are the one they chose to open up to

The one to share such a close secret with 

You aren't ready 

I mean what makes you prepared for that 

But they look for guidance 

They said they felt they could and they wanted to

Scary when it's something you are familiar with 

Something you can personally sympathise with 

Hits you 

So you think

What would you want to hear 

What would help you

You tell them not to hide from it

You tell them not to be ashamed 

Life can be difficult

We all manage it differently 

Never hide from yourself 

We all get strength from somewhere 

And as a result this will strengthen you 

They look pleased and upset by your answer but almost like they'd hoped and knew you'd understand 

Thankful 

They looked at me

Because I am their guidance 

I am their confidante 

I did my best

Does not mean it was easy though.. 

Mental Health Awareness

Do you ever feel like this
Like the whole world is after you
Pulling you backwards to alleyways you know you can never leave
Pulling you through the stingers and leaving you harmed
Like whenever you finally feel good about something they start a new chapter of hate
Do you?

Do you ever feel like this
Like the bones that hold you up are being weighed down
That whatever you do to fight them, they always overthrow you and pull you straight to the ground
Do you ever feel stuck
Stuck in the corner between a rock and a hard place
Losing not only the strength to fight but the will
Do you?
Have you ever?
Ever caught a glimpse of your reflection and not liked its look
Seen the dark pits of sadness in your eyes
A phone full of numbers but not a soul to call
Like no one would listen anyway
Or even care

For I think this is depression
Mental health is rife
Mental health is powerful
Like a troll on the Internet its an inner voice on repeat
It does not stop
Even when the battery is low the messages keep coming
Ping ping ping
It feels like a helpless pity
One you'd never share for worry it would bring others down
Others might be scared of your thoughts
Scared of knowing you
Or guilty should you react
Carry blame for your actions
Mental health is what kills our generation of teenagers
The youths who would not confide
The adults who felt ashamed
The elderly who feel lonely
It continues to evolve and worsen as the ideas and online how to videos take the social media by storm
Millions get pulled into this psyche of hate and do not know where to turn
When you ask someone how they are? Do you even wait for the answer
Is it a yeah you? Answer
Not a blind bit of notice given to the lost looks in these humans eyes
Their souls feel damaged and they need help but rarely ask
Instead they take matters on solely
They take pills, buy ropes, drugs, knives
They battle with last words on a piece of strewn up paper
They cry into pillows from the pain inflicted
They struggle
And then the heart stops
The pain has left them but spilled out around them
Around them their families lives are forever changed
Forever taken back through this ongoing reel of horror
Of the whys and what ifs
The ever-growing torture that battles their dreams and steals their sleep
It takes one minute
One person to reach out
To listen
Never struggle in silence
Reach out

You'll never know how many people feel this way
Passing in cars, sharing a chair on the train, shopping in your supermarket
Be kind
Be available
Help them.

Change is hard sometimes

Sometimes it feels like a memory
Like it's not even real
Like it came in a dream one night
And each evening it replays the reel
The tape can't be damaged
It can't be stamped out
It doesn't matter how hard I try to break it
That dreams light will never go out.
Somedays I don't even remember and those days to me are a treasure
Until other days I can't escape it
And the tears fall for what seems, forever

It's not like I am feeling sorry for myself
And its not like I want it to change back
It's just that it's not easy, that's all
Knowing they have all left and aren't coming back.

I sometimes feel alone
I sometimes want to scream so loud
Other days the tears stream down
And I need to allow them to, to let it out

I hope with time, it gets less shit
Especially when it hits me hard
Say its a warm day and I want to invite them over
Or a film is out I want us to see
I know this is life and the best thing is change
But it still hurts
Like a bruise below the skin
It may not be discoloured anymore
But it's there
And if I forget, I'm reminded

So for now I shall document my pain
Knowing one day I will read this back and it will be better.
I will be stronger and the distance will be OK
For now, however it still hurts me
I know I have good people around me
But this is family
Blood is thicker than water
I miss them
I won't deny it
I won't shy away from my feelings
But hope that one day, the pain that feels like my weakness, turns into my strength.