Age

When you are younger no one ever tells you about this feeling
When you are growing up life is all about school and uniforms and packed lunches, running for a bus or getting a lift with your full time hours Mum, dropping us all in on her way to work.
Coming home for dinner before your Dad has even finished his day
Seeing him as you get ready for bed.
Weekends filled with films and playing in your rooms and homework and house chores.
Swings and Park walks
Pocket money and hobbies and guitar lessons and maths tuition
Time was timeless
Birthdays were special and your age was on the cake in lights that filled your heart full and heavy with excitement
Friends stayed over or bounced in castles in the garden.
Cake and games and sweets and belly ache
Love surrounded everything
You didn't want to go to bed and you could never get up
Breakfast laid out in the kitchen
Mug of tea and cereal
Packed lunch prepared and ready for the day of learning
Nothing at all to fear
Other than the nightmares that stalked my nights some times due to past experiences returning in the darkness and the shadows
Christmas day was always special and magical
Excited so much I would shake
I couldn't contain my joy
Family all around
Best clothes laid out to see grandparents and aunties and uncles
New tights and shoes
Gloves and coats
Duffel coats - my favourite
Age was an exciting experience
Every year counting up by the years, months and weeks
Wanting to get older and older
Now in my thirties, age is ageless
I no longer feel in sync
Life has carried on ticking by, faster than it ever did
The mirror has changed
Gotten older, the spark is there but sometimes seems hidden
Got to look a little harder some days

Grief and rounds

Should we make a promise
Should we make it real
Let us stand around this pole and act like it's something
Start chanting their name
Or crying at will
Just make it all a craze
Don't stop the train for them
For they never wanted to leave
Don't say its our stop now
Too much has happened
We can't go backwards
We can't erase the pictures
Take them away like they never existed
Bleach them
Remove the colours
Take out the outline
Smudge it all out
Remove the smiles
Turn them into frowns if you want to
Take away the scenery
Cover it up with coal
With soot and sleet
Nothing exists anymore
The cold cuts deep these days
The cold wades in before you've even taken a breath
You can't cover up enough
No clothing will do
We are all just walking around with shivers
They are covering our every move
We can't cope anymore
We don't want to
Don't ever say you will
Just say you'll try
Do all you can to be there but never swear it
Never use a person's name in vain or oath
Not unless you solemnly swear
And by that we mean all of you
All of your nerves
All of your being
All that you are
All that you dream to be
Every morsel
Everything
Souls will combine
We will all clash one day
Like a huge pile up
A huge pile up of smiles and laughter
The rooms will be flooded with joy
You won't ever make it to the bar to buy a round
But a drink will be waiting
I promise you that
This is a cheers to the future and to that after life

A few kind words

Today I felt sad
I was playing music and remembering the young times
The times as a child
Sitting in the back seat with my brother and sister
The music playing loudly
Knowing the words
It was his music
His songs
He was letting us into his teenage/early adulthood life
He was making us understand
The lyrics were blazed but the songs meant unity
We would look forward to hearing more
First it was queen, it was the eels, it was nick Drake, twin peaks, and the French man whose name has left me

Any night since I am snapped straight back
Those few starting notes throw me
I am a child again
The songs are singing loud in my head
I can never forget and honestly I never want to

My parents have always been wrapped up in music,
Bowie, REM, Gabrielle, Abba etc etc
Just moments and stop gaps and memories

This morning a song was played
It was both Bowie and Queen
Mum and Dad
It felt different today
It made me feel happy but sad
I was scared for what will be, one day
I had realised finally that I was no longer a child
I was no longer young
I am an adult
But I will always remember dance lessons and holidays and panto at Christmas
Of singing the words and making up dances
Of being the middle child of three
In the back seat of a family sized car
Going somewhere
With a family who have been there through everything
Irreplaceable
World class people
Who I love dearly
And eternally

Abandoned

What is left in the abandoned
What can you see
From the walls rotting
To the windows broken
What is left in the abandoned
What did it used to be
Such a beautiful building
Full of warmth, smiles and delight
Now it is a shell of its former self
Now it has no sign
Now its just a what was
Now its not even a thing

No one takes much notice
Driving passed its shell
No one ponders what it was
It's just stood tall looking worn
It needs to be renovated
It needs to be pulled down
It needs to disappear
And stop being such an eye sore
The attachment is no more
The people who knew it have left
The memories that lingered have died
The smell of the offices has gone
It's just damp, rotten and empty
No conversation can be heard anymore
No life has been seen inside
No one can turn the clock back
The lunch breaks with people has deafened us
The environment and atmosphere is white noise
Nothing can be remembered
The building stands waiting
Waiting for its future
Waiting for its fate
Years go by
The windows are broken
The walls are ruined
Eventually it's ending will appear
The council will arrive
Bulldozer in tow
It will be ripped down
Dragged with force against its might
The bricks will crumble and fall from such height
It will be a broken mess
A pile of rubble and has been
Nothing more than a mess
A large mass of mess
That once was full of life
Full of vibrancy
Now nothing more than grey nothings

Gone are the days

Gone are the days of outdoor play
Parks and swings and slides and mud
Team games and races and getting grass stains
Fun and adventure and adrenaline
Climbing trees and collecting conkers
Finding daisies and skipping ropes
Dodgeball, football, and parachute
Summer schemes and youth clubs and Sunday schools
Having hobbies that require the outdoors
Playing in the garden with imaginations
Siblings talking at meals on nights out
Story time and bed times before 7 o'clock
Respecting your elders and never swearing
Growing up free and happy and healthy
Gone are the days of dolls and tape players
For technology stole the fantasy
Now it's a plug switched on and a hand held device
Now they stare down and follow the light
Now it's a tantrum over an ipad or tv
Now its a room where they never want to leave
Now it's a new phone like an apple or an orange
Now it's solo and lonely and dull
Now it's knives and guns and stabbings
Now it's a real crime if you have a fall out
Now it ruins lives for ever
Now it fills parents head with terror
Now it's a news story smashing up the headline
Now it's not real life at all
A troll was a toy that had glittery coloured hair
Not a demon behind a keyboard
Not someone out to make life unbearable
But a collectable we all had
Gone are the days of my childhood
I hope it flips back
I hope social media crashes
I hope the apple rots

Sunshine through the window

There we are
Look at us in that faded picture
Where did you find this
It's all dusty and rotten in this album
Forgotten bliss
That's what it is

Remember when we had days full of laughing
When you made me cry with smiles
Almost impossible to recall your laugh
Your smile, your face...

When you are younger no one ever warns us
Never says hang on you know this life
It changes
It fucks up too
You lose what you have
Your friends, family even, looks even
Imagine that
Your favourite jeans
Won't fit you
You won't even like them

That the body you are running in, won't work like it used to
Your bones will crack
You will ache
You will get tired and want to sit down

Don't do this incase you ruin that
Don't speak to them incase you get led astray
Don't try to live your life at godspeed
Don't try and race others

We are not the same
You are different
Different is always good
Fresh
Natural
Be you

Don't waste 20 years trying to be someone else
Don't block yourself out
Take her out
Dance
Let your soul fly
Stop shutting her away
Keeping her prisoner
Keeping her banished in the cellar
Pushing her deeper into the water
Drowning her innocence
Let her fcukin be
Shut out the bullies
Don't wear that victim's suit
Don't let them drag the smile away

So far away you forget to follow it
Lose it for so long
Lose yourself in liquor
Lose yourself in fear
In loathing

Always write
Always release your emotions
Set them free like a dove
Watch them fly high and hold themselves
Confidence is catching
Courage is strong
Belief is real
When you are younger no one warns you
No one tells you life will change
That the routine won't suit you
That the clothes won't fit
That your face will change
The life and times will be drawn upon your expressions and carried forward through your years
Into your late adulthood
Into your retirement
Keep your spark
That little girl always had a spark
Keep it
Hold it
Cherish it
Your eyes show innocence
Your heart shows scars
They glow in the dark
Your body carries stories
Stories entwined in your make up
Encompassed in strength
Be you
Forever

Life can be so trying

Life can be so trying
It can honestly drag you backwards through the worst memories of your life
It can make you visit places and people in your dreams that hurt you.

Life can be so demanding
It can take away your time and replace it with anxiety and worry
You can be sat there quite happily alone in a wonderfully lit sky and day
And then drag you back into your worries
Your concerns of the future
The panic of work arriving when you need it
The concerns and desperation in your voice as you try and rearrange days to suit you
The tears drown your eyes as they say it might not go your way
The life you created might not go your route
You find yourself on paths of uneven roads and you aren't in the right shoes
You are falling and tripping over everything in sight
You are getting cut and bruises are forming
Your patience has worn thin and you are crying now
Alone on this path to nowhere

But I'm telling you that path was always been your route
It was always to be this way
Destiny was already written
You need to take the challenge and see it through
Trust in your ability to create a beautiful future
To find and land upon the career and job of your wildest dreams
Work in an environment that is settling and true
Feel empowered and respected
Work your way to your own goals
Trust in your abilities as a professional
Life has thrown more
You have loved and lost and been afraid
You've had fears arrive in front of your face and happen
You have been broke and you have always made the most
You are not a defeatist
You are powerful and capable
People who have worked with you, they believe in you
They offer to give references on your character
Yes it's hard now
It's been 9 long weeks and it's been really tough
But each day you have greeted the day and you have got through it all
Alone through the day and still existing
Making sure you have the courage
Searching and applying but never giving in
Remember that.
Your inner strength has always been so powerful
On your left wrist sits that tattoo reminding you that you can and you will

So yes, life can be so trying
But that's OK because you are ready and able