Feelings

and when it feels like its falling away
and you cant grab it at all as the water has just surrounded it
and you see them struggling for air but its becoming too hard
and you cant stop the tears from falling
and you can see their whole lives playing out before you
and you think they liked you
and you believed you mattered to them
and you thought they cared
and that they wanted to get to know you
and when you werent in the room you didnt hear the laughing
the giggling at your expense
you didnt see the looks they gave as you walked away on your break
you didnt believe the truth people tried instilling on to your brain
people just twisted it all up
and it just got knotted
and it was knotted around their necks now
and it was choking them as quick as the water was
and they just smiled as they faded away into the ocean
and they just haunted your dreams at night
and all you found was the stress of it all in your nightmares
peoples names flying round your head
nobody waking u up or caring
nobody realising the damage it was doing
just continuing to breathe the same air was proving toxic
just carrying on the charade just kept the laughter at your life
not like you these people
not to the point
not honest
not brave and not strong
just sheep and just wrong
and just bullies

remembering that the feelings are real and that it does hurt and that sometimes you have to stand up for yourself however hopeless,
however difficult you have to fix your smile and walk on in, shoulders back, head held high and just accept that some people just arent worth your tears or your stress or your disturbed sleep.

A Moment

all it takes is a moment
a moment to make you think
-"god, that is what i want from my life!!"
we don't all get it
we don't all make a change when we do
but today i felt it

that moment it caught me off guard
it came flying at me like a wasp in the sunshine
startling me but at the same time i was so glad it did

I now need to do all that I can to get what I want
follow my dream
meet my destiny


Toodlez x

Simple Poem About Nothing Much

I was asked to write a poem
about what I didn't know
so I thought I'd carry on writing
and hope it didn't show
sometimes people surprise you
so much it can instil a fear
they can treat you badly 
and not seem to give a care


They can shout at you so loudly
so that you're fighting back the tears
till they walk away with a grin on their face
and you're left to clear up the mess


You don't know why these things happen
and you don't know how to stop them
and you don't know how to make it all OK again
but you have each day for a reason
and a smile should always be applied
to your face whatever happens
don't let them take it away


I was asked to write a poem
so I did and here it is
I don't know if it rhymes or you get where it went
but I have said all I wanted to say.




SUNSHINE IS AMAZING!!!

Directions changing

so you didnt have an answer for me
we just left it open and we walked in our separate ways
we didnt even try to stop each other
it was like the decision had already been made


years passed and we just didnt meet again
we were living in the same world, almost the same town but nothing
just hearsay of your fun-filled nights and awful grief
but no words were uttered...........




I dont know where I am looking anymore
I can't see the path I'm to walk on, i'm just told to trust it
I did try to curve the direction but that hasn't resulted in anything as yet
I feel scared that I dont know where it is I should be
which city is for me
which job is for me
what should I do


Feeling scared and alone is not a bad thing I feel
not knowing what I want can be a good thing
in this area anyway
life is not to be rushed
or taken for granted
I am in such a happy place in my love life and so its just this
if I dont get what I went for where do I turn next




hoping for a sign.................... to point n show me the way

So like,

this is how it should be

not worrying about who i am

not trying to hide it

not being scared of people seeing it 

just being happy

the happiest i have ever felt

in all my life

so like,

I basically accepted it 

what I am and wow 

this is what all you lot had your whole life

and finally im there too

not on the sidelines

not watching through the window

but involved 

in it to win it

funny how long it took myself to accept it

when it took most those i know a couple of minutes

seems ive been digesting it all my life

stumbling upon diary entries since the age of 15

knowing i was who i am but fricking scared of being

Weekend away did me so much good

not ever going to forget it

people surprise you sometimes

knock you over in shock

but in a good way

no more two steps forward one step back

this is it

 Rihanna - "We All Want Love"

&& finally I know where to find it! :D 

Fleeting Thoughts

if we just sit down
we sit by the fire
the flames blaze and warm our faces
we don't want to mutter a sound
the night is getting heavy
the rain wont stop pouring
the clock chimes the hour hit
we cant do this again
we cant have this moment forever
one day it will just be a distant memory
we try to ease the pain by humming
humming your favourite song
hoping that it will bring us all together
and stop us all from crying
we cant be as close again as we are now
at this tender age life falls away so fast
we cant just stop it from happening
but we know its going to change
us all forever
take a part of us all
when the words leave our lips
when we say a prayer
when we are all just sat there
by the fire
counting the rain drops on the window
wishing it all would rewind
knowing we are getting closer to the end
and realising we are not ready to let go

Revelations.... Complications

Would it be easier to carry on lying
pretending this has all been a bit of fun n games
act like this is how I like to be with people
like this isn't hard for me too


Like I do it to create
like I do it to make you hate me
sometimes I do wonder why but I cant help it
I have slipped into the same old behaviour and it seems to fit me
I don't want to but I am falling into it
I am disappearing now though
the me that I'm not 
the me that you wish and dream of me being


I wont pretend I don't care
because I always have
I like em 
I want to be their mate
I wanna make them happy and I know that i do
But its me you see
I just cant be that me
I just cant pretend its all A OKAY
when its anything but


I cant create the butterflies
I cant create the wants and needs
I cant stop the tears from gathering in my eyes as I contemplate the maybe




I don't want to hurt you 
I hate making you feel disappointed
but I know deep down this is it
I can like em - sure
I can laugh at their jokes
look pretty on their arm
get low on the dance floor and try hard to show 
the feelings I know you should have
that I don't 
that I pretend
that I fake
till it aches
till I hate 
to look at myself in the mirror
that all I see is fake and lies 


terrified
scared to be the me that I surely will be 
the me that is still me 
I don't change 
I am still me
just honest
truth 






revelations complications 
acceptance
was denial
not to anybody really but me
hiding the me
making me be the she that you dreamt of me
but to me this is me
I am just trying to find it
fit it so it feels nice
and normal
and easy
and not queasy




this is all I wanted to say tonight




2MRW I have Liverpool!!! 


I am so lucky!!!