times of reflection

I would rather someone I love, be happy with somebody else, than be unhappy with me....


Sexuality does not define an individual


I will be who I am and be happy, than be whatever people dictate and be unhappy...

Life is so quick, people have destiny's and sometimes its horrid to know you cant save people from their own.


RIP Tom Hanley
RIP Linda Bakewell


May you both rest in peace now

There are those people...

Who are just not worth it...


and then there are those, that are....




You choose! 

I have never pretended to know anything more than anybody else

I just talk about my feelings and how I view the world

&& how my world shatters and how it builds itself up

&& how some individuals are still missed even today... several months on... just because of how they saw the world

&& how it challenged my ideas and I think now about how I'd do a lot to get it back...

 but then i remember that it is reality and not a fantasy,

&& that me wanting and thinking things doesnt change it,

that the time has passed,

that those are now just memories 

every painful thought

every single wish, 

I miss so much... the reason I type this tonight is for two reasons, after work I went for drinks with a really good friend of mine and we spoke about so much in life present and past 

But then I went to catch my bus home and saw this guy, not someone i speak to now but he is a huge part of my childhood, and we now have an added memory of a fallen soldier (mutual friend) too

I was saddened and reminded of days because he was on my train.. the first day I travelled to Leamington Spa.. and it was odd... because when I saw him this time, I was like wow how random here is me, out of my circle of comfort and here he is... small world

&& tonight when i saw him waiting for the 241 bus, looking tired as you do on a friday night... and me there tipsy... I just felt a huge feeling of want... 

I wanted to be back on that train... 

But like I type before... this is when I realised I was in reality... not fantasy...

Good night

Remember..

it is one thing here,
and it is something you have to remember...


I wont tell you over and over, 
I wont write it on your wall,
You will remember it now as I type it to you...


It is of huge importance,
It is necessary to move on 
Are you ready to hear the truth?


Don't get all defensive over this,
Don't pretend you can't hear me,
Like I say 
I will tell you this one time.


I don't wish to have to repeat myself again,
That annoys me
Loud and clearly stated


REMEMBER THIS!


People can be whoever they want to be, 
They can create this reality for you
They can make you believe
They can make you fall for them
They can make you trust them with everything you are
They can meet your family
They can be your friend
They can share your secrets
Hear your stories
Tell you they love you
Make love to you
and so on....


REMEMBER them for what they are when it is over
REMEMBER how they made you feel the second they changed their mind
REMEMBER that is wasn't fake but it is no longer here


Remember them for what they actually are... in the end.... when the curtain closes,
When the lights go out,
That moment you can't catch your breath
That memory you quieten when you are trying to sleep and look forward to your life.. 


When you go to sleep alone, 
When you look over at that bare side of your bed 
Don't feel low because of what was
Remember what is and be thankful for it


Be thankful that you saw the truth eventually
However awful, however painful, however shameful
It is there, this is them now, this is you now... 


Like I said, don't ignore this... 


I won't tell you again... 




When you are ready.... You will get up and find somebody new.... Until then, enjoy your own time and company....

well to be on-line is such a luxury!

Hiya people...

missed me? I know you have.. i was being bugged by a load of you, ok a few..... OK one!! but one is more than non right???

So how are you all?? I am pretty superb... I am in love again... it is an amazing feeling I must say... kept it to myself these past months but f it!! :D

Me and my flat have been together since Aug 19th and its going really well, I have spent well over a £1000 since I moved in :D


Life is pretty mental... in every way.. you know me... drama drama drama!!! Right?!

But on a serious, I am pretty happy, searching and building on my confidence after someone blew all that work to the ground.. but yeah onwards and up up up
I do have a big ole' old school crush and I love it... to have this feeling means I am still alive emotionally which is always great news after a break up right???

Internet is back, I have written so much since my last blog but I will be mean and keep that for my diaries...
Maybe upload one of the poems someday soon


Take it easy readers...
So many views but here is the new shindig to read on up!!! :D


Muchos Love xxxxxxxxxxx

The room would soon be some place else..

Well... 
I move out 2mrw... into my new place... Such different emotions right now... positive ones mainly!


I am 24, and I am ready but still it is all strange packing my room away for the first time ever, having lived in these walls since the age of 6.. maybe small amounts when decorating but not on this scale..


My room will become the study- I'm not upset by that, moving home had never been a long term plan.. the army was my purpose  for returning but wow what an excellent 8 months I've had since my return... So many memories, memorable people, amazing times to be honest..


I have come so far in this past year I must tell you, I mean this time last year I was in a relationship with a lovely guy knowing it wasn't what I should have been doing, then I came out and fell in love,  and also this job, that I actually adore and with people that make me laugh and giggle more than I have in years and yeah.. bish bash bosh!! Made up!!!


One major loss will be my cats... I have two sat on my bed as I type this to you... One is my own lil baby, Joey.. 7 years I have had the pleasure of knowing her, I get emotional thinking about it to be honest.. I have been through some things in these past 7 years and she did make it less tough with her company... she is a really loving cat.. everyone she meets agrees. 


I will only be about 10mins car journey away but I don't know... having a pet like mine, who keeps you company when your feeling alone etc... yeah... I will miss her, Ben and Chloe a lot!


I don't feel too saddened by leaving my parents or brother because I know how close I am and how I could pop over whenever I wanted... So it hasn't hit me in a bad way this time.. Uni was much harder... The cats are getting older, thats all....




Not got much time to really spend in my new place though, moving the rest of my things tomorrow then work Mon till Fri, then Satdi off to my other fave place, Liverpool!! :)


Bring it on!!


Life is not a perfect, perfect does not exist... My year has been so amaze so far, not a thing to regret or think badly of!


I am very lucky to have had what I have, and do hope to continue in this amazing random time :D 


TC -x- 

Walking back over the same old roads...

Seriously, love this dude- he is my cousin, check him out on Youtube- Kaiben!!










This song inspired these thoughts..




Footsteps below me
Smaller than I remember
Imprinted thoughts stay with me
Of those times long forgotten


Piles of memories fill the rooms
Boxed away in your minds cupboards
Blurry over time 
Innocence like that first scrape on your knee


Nothing is touched any more
The house is just the shell
The shell with so many secrets
You almost will it to tell 


This house is on this road
It will remain this way after we depart
&& it started here nearly 100 years ago


Families have come and gone
Made each room shake with the atmosphere they created
Every smile, every candle, every birthday cake
I am willing the house to tell the secrets of times gone by


Until that day 
That day it is pulled down
Here it will remain
My home, our home
On this road, in this street, in this place....




Thank you for such a lovely time!

Get up and wait for somebody to find you

Wonder if she still reads this...



I wake up now and the day feels different,
Not necessarily worse- just different,

Nights sometimes feel so much longer,
Is that because I now fall asleep alone?
It's not like you were here that often but yeah, when you were I felt I slept soundly...


I don't intend to spend much more of my time going over the beaten earth,
I feel I've raked it up all too much these past few weeks,
I don't wish to disturb the memories which are lay in front of me any more

Instead I'd like to thank you,
Not for the ending but for the ride,
Not in that way.. but you know... the whole time we shared was pretty amaze,
Things do happen though, and change it all about..
But that's ok, I was brought up to be thankful and that is what I shall be..

I would love you in my future,
But I don't know at this moment if that could happen..
Like I say, I don't even know if you are reading this anymore....

But if you are... Don't just lose me in your past...


I'd hate the day we became faces in the crowd,
Of just faded memories....


"Get up and wait for somebody to find you...."