paint a picture... paint a smile

 This was never a post I thought I would find myself writing

not me

not the one who always thought negatively

expected the worst

not after all this time and heartache

not after all this shit i've climbed through beaten and broken

not me 

not cancer

not me

why me

did i bring this on myself

did i tempt it with my bullshit comments about it 

why did they say i didn't if i did

why would anyone do that

this was never a post i thought i would be writing

and yet here i am 

typing full of such anger and pain and emotion

without any way of expelling it

this bucket is so full its pouring over the edges

water everywhere

blood and my soul is spilling

spilling out in front of you all

devastated you say

devastated?

should i feel eased at such a word

should i feel better

are you sorry?

why, did you do it?

is this even you feeling this right now

this tumour 

in my body 

in my body every morning i wake reminded of this living nightmare

this tumour, this lump each night i fall asleep in my uneasy awful position 

no 

dont be sorry

dont be devastated

help me 

please someone help me 

help me get through this 

until then i will grab my make up bag

and continue to draw on my smile

what other choice do i have 

Out with the old ways

And when I found it 

My life crashed 

It wasn’t like I thought the worse it just felt unfair 

The last time was so much trauma I didn’t feel strong enough to endure it all again 

Life can flip on you like that sometimes 

No personal reason for it it just does 

The more I read about it the more I realise that these experiences are just shitty lessons 

Never thought I’d need much more but obviously I do 

But these recent times I have been scared of the possibilities of what I’ve found but also I feel like I need to see life for more than I have been 

Endless possibilities that only inner demons and fear push me away from 

If I want it I should get it

I went into a store the other day 

I saw things I wanted and I brought them 

I was surprised with how quickly and effortless my decisions to purchase these trainers and tees were but wow I adore what I got 

Is that a lesson ? Maybe not to bankrupt myself but to enjoy the fruits of my labor

I mean I didn’t know if I’d ever come back from the year that was 2022.

I spent time thinking about my passion and career and nearly walked away from a role I thoroughly enjoy

Yes it’s stressful and intense and a challenge every day but it reminds me I’m alive 

Even when numb I am able to truly feel 

Feel it all and I love it 

So yeah I am waiting on a letter an appointment 

But I won’t stop living because of it 

I will live harder in spite of it

It might realistically be nothing 

But this feeling of how short and fast paced life really is

Was the only kick up the arse I really needed 

Happy new year 

Bring it on 2023

I am so ready for you 

A lesson and a truth

And when the day is here 

Embrace it 

For we have no end date 

No best before 

It is just the now and vague memories of the been 

We cannot feel the future 

We are not in it 

I can remember being younger 

I had so much emotion inside 

More than I could ever interpret or express 

It used to seep out through angst or anger 

Getting in a mood or having a tantrum was my way of being 

It was what I knew and almost how I understood to be

I was always the middle child you know the problem, aggressive and the one who was blamed for everything but guilty of nothing … most of the time 

I was someone who could not explain my thoughts so when unsure I would just ask others 

What would you do 

What do you think 

What should I say, do .. who am I? What shall I do next ? Be next ?

It was a strange one but this was my way of coping because I had so much anxiety 

I didn’t want to do the wrong thing or suggest a different option 

I wanted people to like me accept me and so if that meant moulding into them, blending or just pretending that was ok. I was prepared to do that 

I am not that girl as much as my age but I do still fall for that route I think is easier, the only change is that now I actually know myself more and with it without full ack. I know who I am and what I am scared of and struggle with

Unique is always me and I do try my best but I will move in the present as me and stop trying to hide from it 

I am always striving to do my best and be the best for others but I realise that I need to be the best for myself first and foremost 

Life is a choice and it’s tough 

I have made decisions I am proud of and others of which I am not 

But I am still learning and through each lesson or bad decision comes the experiences and lessons 

The pain is what we get, but from it we get the strength and power to pursue more 

I miss people and moments and before I uncovered the truth I enjoyed the fake life I led at work 

But I respect myself more for bringing the light in 

That torchlight shone so bright onto the toxic existence that it left me blinking stars for days 

But I would do it again 

It was about seeing the truth 

And yes it’s painful and it hurt 

I’m scarred from their words of pure hatred 

But 

There is a lesson 

An experience 

And hopefully something I will remember and not fall for again 

Been lost

When the leaves started to grow on the trees around my garden 

I saw life starting and the sun shone so strong above and warmed the grass and my heart 

I was no longer working and the days were blissful if a little scary 

The times were slowly passing but I was here for it as I had nothing else 

I was so positive about the outcomes and reality that my statement would change for the better 

I would sit in the garden and my eyes closed coffee in hand and I would feel ok 

I would feel protected and warmed 

Time seemed to be flying by and I could not see an ending anytime soon 

The leaves that once glistened in the sunshine were starting to die 

They were changing colour and with the change came the doubt in my heart 

I was saddened as they browned

Eventually the weather changed 

The rain would not stop

The garden was drowning in its clatter

The leaves were strewn about the floor

No more sunshine 

No more warmed heart 

Just fear

Wind rain and fear

A little time

Build me up like the blocks of a child’s pass time before me

Make sure the blocks can’t be removed 

My life cannot be that Jenga like structure I have so often experienced in my past

Tell me about the times you have had falls so big that the cuts left deep rooted scars that reappeared in dark nights and low moods

For I am just 35 but for the persecutions I’ve lived in I feel so much older

But not so much wiser as you’d all like me to be

I have always put my arms out for others 

Drowning myself just to save a soul

In pain and alone but others use me as stepping stones to love or achievements 

Am I where I thought I’d be?

Probably in most cases 

In most elements of my life I have exceeded 

Marriage a home my family still here 

Personal development seems to have stopped in areas 

The A

And this is not what I expected to find out 

But in a way the release of they why’s and how’s are now subtly collecting their belongings and leaving 

The overwhelming existence I have endured has finally come to some form of understanding and conclusion 

The reality that I was never able to change all that I longed to 

Or understanding others reasoning for making their choices and in most cases leaving me behind has not been in vain but is now just attached to a further explanation, one without blame but answers 

The A word

So what do I do now 

This is not the ending I had wanted and now it’s all that I can choose 

The end credits play out now as I sit unable to move

Paralysed with feelings that are overflowing and pouring out on the floor 

I cannot just accept this is all I can gain

I wanted more

I am not happy with this I want to make a complaint 

But there is no customer service available to fix this sordid mess

This is reality and I am awake and I have no choice but to roll over hurt and in pain and await my fate

It’s not the best time either as we draw down to the final act of the academic year 

The curtain closer is stood on the side of the stage ready to untie the wraps and let these heavy pieces of cloth cover the faces of all those I have taught 

They will be leaving and I am left with pride but a void which in its typical A way will need filling 

This life is just exhausting the way that I am is all to the surface and people can see the truth 

Finally

Finally we have an answer that we can all sit down and discuss with stale biscuits and cold tea

But it’s not that simple for me you know

I don’t sit there with my light bulb on brightly glowing and a smile on my face

I feel even more entrenched in my own existence and I feel ever more upset and baffled that all this life of mine, this persistent ache in my heart has finally got a name but that does not FIX it

It just fills my head with even more questioning and even more loss 

The pain has not stopped 

It just makes it less resolvable 

I cannot have closure on this for this is a diagnosis which cannot be undone 

I know it’s real and I see it all the time now

And I’m not afraid that it is my truth 

I just feel disappointed that I cannot have a trauma that could be uncovered and then I went normal 

Normal like the world appears to be on its surface 

The normal I can never experience for I am not 

I still miss the people that have been part of my journey

I miss the conversation and the banter and the distraction 

They don’t feel it 

Their game is over 

We both needed distractions but mine was deeper 

My attraction to life falls far deeper than the depths of the sea

I feel deeper and stronger than anyone I could ever meet

And with each day it falls heavier on my heart 

Heavier on my mind 

Heavier still…

Ask me how I feel

I answer with, this is deepest deep I have ever felt and it’s scary but exciting to be alive but also drains me every second I am awake and I want this to stop. I want to wake up as if this was a dream. One I will tell my P as I wake. But I know in that moment her eyes tell me this is not a dream. This is my life and always will be.