Flooded with feelings

I've always been a strong swimmer
Yet my one big fear is drowning
Maybe we fear what we are best at

I feel recently like the room I am in
Is without light
And without a door
There's a tap and no sink and the walls are made of rubber
I'm in normal attire and nothing else is with me
There are simple pictures on one wall filled with views of the sea, and flowers blossoming wildly in fields
On another wall is all I have experienced in my life
Including words, drawings video clips, diary entries and these little poems/blogs
Then on another is a wall I struggle to look at for long
Not long before tears streak my face and dampen my clothes
For this wall is my family home
All of the events in a time line
From the beginning of choosing the room that would encase my childhood and early adulthood life
Brimming with feeling and adolescence and youth
Hidden cigarettes and wine and sandwiches as a child
The room with a view
The timeless view of life from up high and all angles
Then as you run through it you see my family
Our bunch of life
The adventures we have endured whilst existing within an encasement of memories
Cats and Christmas and new cars
Parties and bouncy castles and homework
Music and the amersion and dial up internet
Pot pourri, clean washing loads of shopping deliveries and birthdays
Sleepovers hangovers and sometimes rows
Sibling rivalry
Birthday cake
Roaring fires
Eastenders at Xmas
Pretty flowers, bbqs, music that brought laughter and tears
Late night conversations with a shot glass in tow
The radio Times, posh glasses, traffic outside
Bunkbeds, waiting for the bathroom, sharing beds, singing, laying the table on a Sunday,
Warm and cosy
Tall and massive
Fireworks over the road
All using the gym at one point
A new bike leant against a wall
A basketball hoop
Being timed on the computer and the phone
Emptying the dishwasher
Decorating the Xmas tree
Polishing our set room
Thunderstorms on our first night
A garden to be proud of, a house to adore
Always life in every room
Life in every inch of this plot of land which was ours
Shining down on us with pride and happiness
Encouragement to do what we can with our lives
Never give up

Life is forever changing and I can hardly keep up
But I know that I have had a brilliant 25years in a house full of opportunity
Advice and wisdom passed down by two amazing parents
Who have given their adulthood to provide for us and nurture us to be humans they are proud of
A sister who makes me proud with a nephew whom I adore
A brother who encourages me to keep fighting whatever the battle because we will always be the one left standing

We are on countdown now
Time is flying passed this room of mine and I need to let it
Not fight it and accept it
I was taught better..

I will beat these waves
Swim through all the pain it might cause and win the race

What is going on?

What is this world becoming
Scum just falls from the sky
Life is just so twisted
Victims are left on the floor

These people they come from nowhere
They drag at all they can carry
They don't care about the pain inflicted
Because to them it's theirs for the taking

I can't even state how I am feeling
Because the pain is too deep and has yet to offload
I just know that when I heard the words I felt sick
My knees and hands trembled

I can't even understand the whys anymore
This society is just full of evil
They take people's confidence and smiles
And they replace them with tears and fear
I don't want this life to continue
People just need to learn lessons
They can't keep on going with this treatment of others
And thinking that it's OK

So what would my advice be
I don't know
People cause fear because of fear
Surely this cycle is damaging
Surely this cannot keep going
Surely this mental health will erupt and blow us up in the end
Nothing will be left
Just tattered pieces of life scattered amongst graves that cover the lives of young people who couldn't stop the hurt
They couldn't stop the pain
They had no strength left in them to stop the shame caused by others actions
Careless senseless people with minds full of mud

I'm gutted absolutely gutted

Hanging by a thread

Here I am
Like I said I would be
No, I'm not dressed as you expected and yes I might look a little pale but I'm here
You had been on at me for a while now to visit and show my face so here it is
You aren't particularly impressed as I am like 10minutes late but as they say
Better late than never
We decide to grab a coffee at a place you know to make this whole ordeal normal
Well more normal than it is
As let's be honest this is a crazy idea

The day has been so warm and the streets are filled with people who are regretting their attire choices, as they huff and puff their way home
Sweating and annoyed they are carrying such a large overcoat
They think to themselves, "this is the last time I listen to BBC weather"
Noone is ever prepared enough really
We all know that one person whose bag is full of absolutely everything you can imagine
But in that moment the one thing you need, is missing
Then you have those people who carry nothing but a phone with a card slotted in the back or a few purples incase it's needed that day
Where do I slot myself, I wonder
The soya latte is ordered and I'm dreading this whole idea now its starting to get closer and is now obviously happening
We are now in the moment
This is not a rehearsal and this can not be paused, edited or filtered
It is the real deal
And its terrifying
You sit down opposite me and take a swig of your macchiato
You are breathtaking
You look so real
I could almost reach out and touch your arm
But I know this is an arrangement in which I've paid for and I know the rules are clearly set out for the do's and don'ts
But it is difficult to resist it
I just want to know there is an arm in that jacket and its not just a mirage
I'm scared to blink I know so because the lenses on my eyes are drying out
So, you say
Our time is counting down
How can I help?

P, 2019

Suddenly the lights are faded
All I can see is shadows amongst candles everywhere
I feel lost
But then I recognise the figure
It's my one true love sat in front of me
She's smiling and barely flinches to the noise of the electricity shortage
She is talking away to strangers so easily without any concern nor haste
She is always so comfortable
She will talk to anyone
Whatever country
Rain or shine
That's how you know life is a puzzle
We all have things we can't complete properly
We might have a go, but struggle
And then you meet the pieces that complete yours
It can be anything and it doesn't need to be major
It just needs to make sense
The love, chemistry understanding and trust are all in sync and then your strengths can be detailed to eachother
To me, P is my voice when mine is shy, my courage when mine is faded, my confidence when I struggle. If its cold out she's always warm and she always knows what to say before she knows my day.
She is the love to my heart and the oxygen to my body
She doesn't complete me, she makes me, me
Without worry, concern or neglect
She is my wife and I am happy

Waves

Just sit down on a chair
And look out below to the clear blue waves, as they are crashing against the rocks
The surroundings are busy and full of life but here in front of my feet I see waves
People are arriving in cars with cameras to take pictures of the atlantic sea
It attracts people for its beauty you see
There is a large long white ship going passed slowly from left to right filling my peripheral at any one time
It's not going very fast but it probably has people on it looking below them at these waves
In places you can see white foam from the crashing of waves in the centre of my view
There's a pier type platform below me that people often enter the water from in the day time
For now it stands empty with the sun shining down on it
This is all observation and happening now as I type it
The waves are bringing a nice breeze against my sun-kissed arms and legs as I sit here absorbing it's peacefulness
It is priceless
It does it at will
The waves move around without concern for what they make contact with
They just move around and bounce off themselves
The noise is addictive and a place people flock to when they need some head space
Some time to just shut off that annoying noise that is our mind and to just hear the forever continuing waves and water
It is in our nature, surely
I mean aren't we made up nearly entirely of this brilliant liquid
Is this why we like it so much
The building is poised so well and welcomes the magnificent scenery of the blue liquid
The sea life amongst it
The smell so clean and refreshing
The ship is 50% further along than it was
I'm still typing
I'm still sat memorised by this beautiful experience
An experience I will bring fully to my mind when a day takes its toll
I'll remember how I feel now
Content, relaxed and completely at peace
Waves
Never change

The end is in sight

Take me back to the beginning
Take me right back to a time when it was all so easy
Take me so far back to a time I couldn't even spell my name
Or draw within the lines
Or cry for something that was of real meaning

Please take me back, when I fall asleep let me sink deep into dreams filled of smiles love and sunshine
The cloud has not left since I heard the news and I can't get this thought out of my head
For the thought is about an ending to a story that I've never put down
To a time when life was easy and just clockwork
No bumps in this road just adventure and purrs
She was always so vibrant and full of character
She has always stood out as the quirky one
The one who gave you gifts, however cute and fluffy
Who dragged herself through tiny spaces and forced herself into tiny boxes
Always sat on mums bag or your favourite coat
Quiet
Peaceful yet not a lap cat
She would hiss at anything and always had that fight in her
We'd play the "arm game" and watch her pounce so fast you wouldn't be ready
She would sleep so silently in the tiniest ball anywhere
Never a noise
But time ticked by
And almost 17 years old, her adventure is starting to slow down
The day is almost over
The playground is ready to close soon
And we are left with the feelings it churns up inside
Deep inside of our hearts because she was always so content
It didn't matter what change she faced she would just cope
She never changed
She never let you down
And for me, she gave me the biggest gift
My beautiful cat Joey
Oh which I will always be grateful

Which is why as I type this I want you to remember her
And take me back
When I can't sleep
Take me back to the living room where we would sit
To the TV that she'd be perched on hoping you'd play or feed her
To the tiny cat sat at the end of the biggest bed, asleep and peaceful

Let the pain be free from her and let her adventure long continue in the kingdom in the sky

I love you Chloe
Always and forever
You were a lovely part of our family.

Hope

Sometimes its all we can believe in
Sometimes it's the only thing left on the shelf after everything else has been tried and has failed
You can't pray anymore and you can't put your heart through anymore battles
It's not even had the time to fully heal from the last time
You just have to have hope

The days fall on by and pass so fast as you age
The weeks roll on by without recognition sometimes
But you keep on lifting up your feet
Keep pushing on through
The ground below can get difficult
It can have rocks and cracks and sometimes you can take a fall
But even if you are crawling at least you are moving

Life is always a challenge with whatever life lessons you are dealing with
Whether it's looking for a career that makes you happy or a love that makes your heart soar or a place to call your own or a day where it doesn't rain or a life that you are leaving behind or a dream that you want to be real
Always have the hope in your heart
Always believe in yourself
Always trust in your choices and your chosen directions
Be brave in your path and believe that you will be all you wish to be

If you have hope, you have faith.
Fantasies can become reality