The songbirds that broke the nightmare

This morning I woke with a pain in my heart
For I knew what I had to do
I was tired with it all and sick of the act
And I'd of done anything to of not got up at all

But I sit here as I get myself ready to leave
I hear the morning birds singing
It reminds me of a younger age
A time far away in my memory bank
This sunshine bright and the ground wet
Playing army in South Wales 🏴󐁧󐁢󐁷󐁬󐁳󐁿
Monmouthshire specifically
Running around on my half terms with my siblings and friends
Playing with sticks
Getting my wellies muddy
Literally no pain
No worries
Just life and adventures

It helps me to remember life is more than this
This cloud has followed me for a long time
This cloud has stolen the light
This cloud is soon to blow over
It can't take anymore of me
I won't let it
That younger child was not a walk over
In fact she was more matter of fact
She wouldn't let this happen to her
I know I'm a good teacher
I know I'm a good person
I came into this life to make a real difference
People won't take that from me
They've taken the excitement of owning a home
The excitement of my hen do
That's enough now
Times up
Whistles been blown

This is personal
This is real
Those birds have reminded me of who me is
I am strong
I am resilient
I don't have long left till I find out
So ill make the most
I'll change lives
Ill bring the lessons alive

It's what I used to do
My imagination was amazing as a child
I used to have friends who wanted to play my games
I am proud of who I am
I am proud of who I was
I've never backed down

Thank you birds
Your songs are beautiful
Just like life... Beautiful

Some times..

Some times
The moments just slow down
The room gets warm and I find peace
Those times are precious
Those times are soothing for the soul

Those times are rare now in my 30s and when they are here, I adore them

Goodbye.. New chapter awaits

I remember the day
It was the first month of a new year
I turned up with cars in abundance bags and clothes
I even walked some around the streets
It was my fresh start
new start
noone would know me here


After a few days my princess moved in
I was a lady and her cat and I was proud
She needed me and I had her and life was perfect

A year had passed and I had furnished my house really well
I owned so many appliances I felt great

The flat was always my haven
my go to
I used to rush here, run here, lock myself away here
It was my safe place
I would sit on weekends and watch the world go by
I used to hide here
Me and Joey against the world
Wrapped up in my comfort and my house

I was only ever renting but I was so home proud
I would host meals
I did Christmas dinner here for my family one year
I proposed to my fiancee here
I nearly lost myself here
I have cried laughed, screamed and been overjoyed here
I fell in love here
and all the way my cat has been by my side here
It was mine and Joeys home
And in time P completed the family here
We have had BBQs here and parties and film fests and hangovers

I am currently sat here
Our lives are boxed around me
The sun is bright outside the windows and its a clear day
no snow
and no rain.. for once
We are in single figures for the days and nights left here

My brain is busy hustling and bustling all of my memories
They are screeching passed me at a rate
I can barely grab them quick enough before they disappear into the night
But I will always hold them close to my heart

7 years since I lived in this neighbourhood
and we are leaving soon
I will miss it
I have loved and enjoyed it here
I am not leaving forever,
But I just wanted to document it

I never thought I would be a homeowner
I never thought I would be happy in love
I never thought I would be getting married
Who knew, life could surprise you so much

Give you so much

Putting out the trash

And should I want more time
And should I wish for days more
And what if it is possible
And what if its not
And what if people don't see
And what if people miss it
And what if I'm trying my best
And that's not enough
And what if then its over
And what if I can't cope
And what if I fall poor
And what if I'm then broke
And what if no one can help me
And what if its the end
And what if I go backwards
And take the shit jobs again
And what if my argument doesn't win
And what if I cry so hard
And what if I feel like begging
And what if its not enough
And who makes decisions like that anyway
And who is capable of breaking hearts
And who is capable of damaging dreams
And who has no conscience at all
And what ifs can take you on a wild ride
And what ifs can be upsetting
But I just wanted to offload
The thoughts in my mind circulating
Take me to my favourite beach
Leave me on the sand
Let me breathe in deep the sea
And close my eyes and mind
Let me lift my arms up high
And scream so loud it hurts
For this is my favourite place
And forever it will be mine

A chapter

Tonight we got the news
It was breathtaking
I was sat there with P and my heart was pounding
In a good way
Signature after signature
Explanation after explanation
I didn't know the drill
But I enjoyed it.
It was snowing outside as it does in Feb lol
Felt surreal
We drove home with our thoughts hitting the windows
So much to digest
We had a move in date
Electric
Walking into the house and all I could see was how it was all unboxed
We didn't know it would happen so quick
As I write I remember my last big move
The flat was empty and my mate said have a minute
I walked through each room
Bare walls
No furniture
No life left
And I felt saddened for the end but excited for the future

Life was changing
It has so much since P
It's got exciting
No more humdrum
I feel like we met each other and it all made sense
We both got what we wanted and needed
The bells are ringing soon
I can hardly express into words my thoughts on that
That will be another night

Thus far called all companies and told the landlord
Feel guilt but pure excitement too
I can remember when I first moved in
It was so exciting
Another chapter and it just evolves
It will be ours this time
Mine and Pz
Loved and happy
Secure and excited

A new page
A new chapter
Wish us luck
The packing will commence

My Dad

I can remember the first time
I was in the kitchen and Dad was at his seat putting his bike trousers on over his jeans and his leather jacket on
He also had this balaclava too and I used to think 'my dad looks so cool'
But I was a teenager, so I never told him.

I would be sat in the kitchen with him with my bright orange trousers on, my three jumpers and gloves.. Waiting for the bikers jacket to arrive so I could wear it.
Life was so exhilaring then
Life could just stop for hours
Nothing took over
Excitement was free and full and available all the time
We stepped out onto the porch and we were kitted and booted up
His motorbike was on the pavement revving and ready
We were off to Wales
I was so excited
I'd worried all morning as I wasn't sure we'd go as the weather had been so rubbish
But, with the rain and wind we were going and I was absolutely buzzing.

When you are sat on a bike.. Life stands still
You are going so fast sometimes you actually lose yourself
God I miss that feeling sometimes
Being sat down with my Dad on this vehicle that just blasted passed people
Within seconds we were dust
I used to hold on to the back of the bike
I wanted to be cool
My secret is I always wanted to hold onto my Dad but was too proud too

My childhood was amazing
And so special
What, with my part time job with my Dad and my bike rides and trips I was always busy and excited

This is a reminder of my happy place
The time we could just ride off into the sunset with my Dad..

I saw a Dad and daughter tonight on a motorbike whilst I was driving home from work and the tears rolled down my cheeks
I wasn't upset
I just felt so lucky to have had those memories too.

We get older so quickly
Time does fly
But I just want my Dad to know how much those memories mean to me and how closely to my heart they are held

Thank you
Childhood was awesome

Storms and changes

Storms
They lit up the sky tonight
They were well timed as I walked in the night sky
I had been walking for hours now and didn't know where I was anymore
The sky started to change colour
It was almost trying to guide me
I had so much to think about
I'd popped out to clear my head you see.. But this walk had felt like hours so far
Still full
Foggy
Conversations were whirring around my head all too often as I scrambled over the ground below me
I knew my trainers and jeans were sodden now from the damp wintery land below each step I was taking
They were drenching my socks
These rocks and hills
I had no phone on me
Not even my key
I was in the rural world surrounded by green which was now a darker glow from this sky
The heavens were planning on opening and I wasnt in the house
I wasn't even prepared
I had no coat and no umbrella
The rain started to fall
At first light and unintentional
Then faster heavier and with purpose
It was thrashing itself down onto me
Onto my hair my shoulders my arms and legs
Did I walk faster?
I should have done but instead I stopped
I stood right there not a step further
I tilted my head up to the sky and said in my head.. Come on then
Bring it

It was cleansing me
It was purifying my head and cleaning my mind
It was taking every stress I felt away with it
Smacking it hard off the ground until it was banished and unconscious
It was not taking anymore of my time up
Life is too fcukin short
We need to enjoy it more
This storm was letting me let it go
I felt emotional with this opportunity
I was so thankful
So relieved and so blessed
My mind felt clear
I was better

It felt better
I could see my way
It was clearer now
Nothing blocking my path anymore

Note to self :
It's always a good idea to reassess
Know what's what
Don't hold back on memories
Make them in abundance
Understand that life throws things hard
Like dodge ball sometimes it can hit you head on, and sometimes you can be missed
Life is never easy or planned
Let life be what it is
Let ideas and chances have a go at making you happy
Don't be so set on your ideas
Don't plan too much
Some days it might rain
And it might ruin your plans
Like they say
You need to learn to dance in the rain
Or in this case
Stand tall, accept some things are unable to be resolved in your chosen wanted route
We have to react to the now
And stop living in the might be

Enjoy time
It's all we have