Time to be a participant.

it has never been easy for me
even deciding to write about it was a chore
i guess i am just not as straight forward as id like to be
i watch others and only dream i could be so blasé with things
so last minute, a life with out a list
i mean yes that is too far

i spend a lot of my life thinking about life
not enough of it living it
i am finally able to stand up and admit to my addiction to thinking
my addiction to planning
my addiction to pre-empting every possibility in life
almost living out a life before i have even said hello to a person

seeing the heartbreak before the love is felt
hiding like a scared individual
sitting locked away in my four walls, safe because to observe is to be safe.. surely?
i couldn't be much more wrong
there is a time i recall where i argued my heart and stated life is about the career
the ladder of success
knowing deep down the key to success is wrapped up in just one big fat amazing human treat
LOVE
that is simply all i have ever wanted

too scared to step onto the ladder for it though
to scared to want it
to accept that i need it
that, that is all i crave
that the career can be right, the house can feel right
i can book holidays and drive my car, and buy all i desire
but that this one huge piece is missing

i observe, it is my fascination in humans which drives it
i love to watch people, hear people, see interaction
as a silent bystander, not the main scene, but the one at the side of the stage, watching quietly by the curtain
seeing peoples eyes light up when they feel the feeling of love, and the body language scream love
i watch attentively, falling with them, feeling it with them
i used to sit in a coffee shop and just relax as i knew it was happening around me
but deep down you see, i wanted it for me
i wanted to be the one watched
the one to be in love

there you see, it wasn't that hard was it
to admit it, is the first step :)

Lost

I don't know how to feel
My life is never like anyone else's
Love, is hard for me
But any other will find it easy
I don't know how to be
My family have never struggled
But I have my guard up
And although time never helps it
Sometimes I think it will
And although constant does my head in
Distance makes things worse
I find it hard to relax
I struggle to let things fall as they may
I am not a last minute spontaneous being so that could never be me
I need to understand everything
Categorise and analyse
Until I can't switch it off
And I over think
And I put myself off things and I fall out of love and life and lust
Then I find myself alone once more
Staring at the door that was just slammed shut
Because I couldn't change and I couldn't relax
and they got tiresome and they got angry and they tried to change me and that just pushed me
Pushed me away
Pushed me over the edge
Over the brink of my fears and worries
I don't know how to feel
My life is never like anyone else's
Love, is hard for me
But any other will find it easy

I look to faith to hope one day
I find my way
And I find it easy

Clean cut, maybe not

Take away the cluttered messes
Please open the curtains
Let in the light for once
As it brightens the room you will see the dust
Collecting over the years your life has been lived dormantly
Trust me when I tell you I've been here before
I've had so much hurt
I sometimes feel so very ill from it all
I often wonder how I got myself through

My life has been a real maze
Blessed with so much
But I won't lie, I have lost so much too

I can't explain how I feel tonight
I decided to write for the sake
I want to tell you how I smile these days
How I see the dimples in my cheeks form
How I walked to my car after the gym and I looked up at the dark night sky
How I breathed in life
How good it felt
How alive I feel
How great life is
How I am happy and I wanted you to know
Maybe this doesn't rhyme but that's OK
Life isn't always so clean cut

Tell Me The Tales of Times Gone By

tell me the tales of times gone by
lose me in your words and your descriptions of love
watch me as i drift off to the clouds above and float like an angel
undamaged unhurt, never loved,
look into my glistening eyes in the distant sun and look at all the beauty
no secrets in my eyes, no hurt in my soul just pure and clean

tell me the tales of times gone by
and watch me try to hide the pain
as you detail your loss and struggle, watch me struggle to listen
as i pace the room raising  my voice so loud, trying to understand how you could have let such great things go
you calm me down, you sit me down and you tell me that sometimes this is how our life can go

it was not just the hurts or the losses it was the deaths too
it was all crazy and all lost, and all caught up in the storms

tell me the tales of times gone by
of all of my mistakes
of all of my regrets and how sometimes it was not meant
building another layer, fitting another wall
dragging myself through the days and weeks, and wondering when i look back over my shoulder where all the time had gone

wrap it up now please,
be careful with what is left, its all i have
see me off on my journey again and trust in me
i will do my best to keep it happy
keep  it real and to i will look forward to falling in love again
until then....

gorffwys mewn heddwch

I imagine you are here for a moment
I say a moment but in my thoughts you never leave
see, I would want to explain to you all the years you had missed out on
all those times I wish now I could have asked you for guidance
for help, for your opinion.
I am able to visit you these days, but you aren't here

I picture this sequence
a room with a beautiful view
one of countryside and blissful sounds
a warm summers day, or autumn - autumn can be so pretty
I pour us coffee and we just talk about life
I tell you how I am now as an adult
of all the achievements I sometimes forget
of how hard it was for me to come out and how that now I am, I am free
you would be so proud of me
I like to think you already see
see all that we do on our daily
how the days can be tough sometimes
but that as we grow older, we learn that each day is

the time passes to fast and the day has turned to night
your time is drawing near and  don't want you to go

I understand more as the years pass by Taid
life is fleeting but the memories don't fade
the memories they stay with us
eternally
for a lifetime

Closet talk

Today I could have screamed it
Got sent out the room for the noise
As I watched and listened it upset me
I could and would never feel like they did
I sometimes felt like I'd lost a game
One I had stuck at for years and years
All the effort, all the tears, the dark moments and memories
All for nothing
I couldn't change it
The trying didn't change anything
Not a damn thing

They are all laughing
Passing around opinions trying to involve me
I cant do it
I don't feel it
They can't see it
And I can't say
It's too hard
Can't un say words
This is real time
Can't undo
So I smile
I laugh along
I talk like I get it too
Feel it too
But I don't
I can't
I never will
I never did
I'm ok with it
But are they?
Should I say?
Would it be worth the risk?

Finding my feet

Tell me you are here and that you are ready
ready to help me change my life for the better
sit with me a while and wait until I stop crying
crying because I am exhausted
exhausted by my life

Call me tonight and listen to my woes
listen to my heart break through the phone
listen to my mind play tricks on me
catch me quick, don't let me flee

Just help me stop all of this gaming
the one in which I lost my footing
the one in which the light goes out
and I cant be found

Tell me you are here for me and always will be
help me clear up all the mess I have made
the mess of my heart is stained on the carpet
and I don;t know how to stop it all crumbling away

As I start the bath, the water runs over me,
it takes away all of the mess
all of the damage
all of my worries and they all get lost in the plug hole
they all float away forever

I am free