Now I am ready

Hey!


Well, this past week has been a bit like OMFG! 
So much has happened, I havnt known if I've been coming or going and to be quite honest with you, I am fed up of the drama.


I have made some decisions this week, it is never the easiest thing to do, - change the habit of a lifetime, but I have finally seen that my "habit" is getting me nowhere.


I think I find things hard to let go because to do so, means you are left just alone with nothing... but this isnt true, I have so many people around me so I shouldnt need to hold on to anything anymore, especially when it just brings me down.


I think you are the result of your attractions, and all I was doing was surrounding my days with the past, I had to let them all go, remove them from my day to day and just accept the ending


I like this guy a lot :-)


He makes me happier than I have felt in years, I literally giggle all the time around him, - and let me just say - that is not something thats common!!! 

To not know a language...

To not know a language; doesn’t mean you don’t understand it,

To not see the pain, does not mean you don’t feel it,

To not shed a tear, does not mean you aren’t crying inside.

Just because I am not angry with you, doesn’t mean what you did was kind,

That how you treated me was right,

That how I have struggled to deal with the repercussions of your actions, easy.

Just because you don’t remember, doesn’t mean I’ve forgot,

People can do and act in whatever way they choose,

They can say what they think,

Pour their opinions onto others without a care,

Just expecting those below to be drenched in the stigma or attitudes of negativity.

I don’t wish to be that person,

Or that supposed victim,

Just because there are areas of normal life that I struggle with

Of normal actions, or emotions, or forms of feelings, does not mean I am not normal

It just means I am human

Not an untouched feather floating lightly with no past, but a light feather flying through the air, without the weight of what’s been pinning me down,

But with the destiny falling out in front of me,

With the smiles on faces, regardless of the, what and when and how.

To not know a language, doesn’t mean you don’t understand it.

We all have our lives,

We all have our end of the roads...

Acceptance is survival. 


written 11th October 2011

I really wish I didnt... but I do

I envy those that move on so easily,
Envy is a strong word I know.. but its true


I seem to be the type that holds on for years, by the smallest thread,
Hoping that in some miracle land, I will get it back
Whatever it is, I hold out in hope so easily.


I will let the tears fall down my face when the memories present themselves on those late evenings when you are struggling to drift off,
When your mind is working so quickly you feel like your flying through the night with your eyes closed, but you are doing everything in your power to open them so you can see,
I dont even understand what I am typing to you, but with a friend now on facebook I am seeing the same words be formed by my typing, and I am realising how fricking same old I am becoming.


I would not want to sit and ponder the what ifs forever, because my forever is ticking by at a rate as it is,
But i would love to know how to cope with how i dont cope - is that even possible?
I work so hard to get the things I have in life, those items you fill up your home with, and peoples xmas wish lists etc, but not those that keep you warm in the winter, tell you they love you, catch you when you feel like you've just had the rug pulled from under you.


I did not expect to get so heavy this evening, the poem I just wrote was so much better in my diary but oh well... needs must....




I really wish I didnt, but I do.... I hold on to fallen rain, I reach out for the breeze that I will never grab hold of.... 


But I need to stop this. I need to find the mechanisms within me to cope.


Work out which tool I need to fix my problem and get on it!!! 




Thanks for allowing me to offload.

His Words

His words were so soft,
His voice so calm,
He reached out to me with his arms outstretched,
I was so wary, 
But I knew what I wanted..




Those times when I was younger and he was my hero,
That time he saved me from the sea's tide,
That time he said he would never let anyone hurt me like that again...


We didn't always see eye to eye,
I would get so upset about the times we fought, 
But I loved him, 
I didn't want to give up on it... 


I know now that I am older, 
And with that I must gain some maturity,
I must learn to allow myself to trust,
I must remember how he saved me,
He is the one man in my life that will never be replaced,
He is the only reason I am who I am today,
Why I have my eye colour, 
Why I have this body frame,
We are so similar and I love that
I need him a lot more than I tell him I do


Because we are getting on again,
I am able to grow up,
I am able to let go of all that shit that's behind me,
I am able to float through the sky, 
Like a feather,
Taken by the breeze,
Nothing holding me back any more,
Nothing in my way.


He is the best guy I'll ever be lucky enough to meet,
And I look to my wedding day,
I look to the birth of my first child,
Introducing my new family to my hero.


To the man who has always protected me,
Who taught me right from wrong,
Who kept me on the right track 




This is to my amazing Dad,
I love him 
More than words will ever say.

 -x-

I don't care what they say..

Hello!!!

Well today has deffo been epic. That hangover literally tried to kill me, word of advice for you- EAT before you go out drinking, as I have not been eating that much since the op to remove the tooth of wisdom from my face, so yday was a lil silly of me... worked from 9-6 having eaten just a packet of crisps and a cup of soup then went out on a monumental night of debauchery!!

However, the night was amazing, from what I remember and the guy I like, kissed me :D So I am very happy... we are taking things slow though... he stopped over and left today... we have both been ploughing through our days.. plans changed from what I had first set out.. but oh well.. whats life without a bit of change?! Good for the soul right!?

I really need to get back into my fitness, I have lost some weight these past few months, and I am feeling a lot happier with my figure :D 

I also realllllyyyyy want a new tattoo, its a proper like arghhh thought, as its annoying I cant just get it now, but knowing the amount I drank last night, probs not the best of ideas!!!

Xfactor tonight, oooof and pizza I think... detox my body 2mrw!!! :D Maybe a roast at my Mums :)

More like a diary entry this one... ah well!! 

Hope you love it!!! xxx

Turning Tables...

I have been doing a lot of thinking these past few days, whilst being off work with tooth pain after having my wisdom removed.
I haven't had the most perfect of experiences, described years ago as trauma, and I have struggled with ways to deal with it all.
I tend to avoid the people that scare me, but not in a hugely fearful way, more of a loss of control way. - in this sense, Men.
I have spent so many years looking for the answer when it came to labels, having always been that child obsessed with boxing people off, 'greebo', 'gothic', 'chav' or whatever the lingo at the time; it was always me thinking of who was who.
At the end of the day, it is just what it is, we are all just individual stars, meeting each other spontaneously. 
Sometimes I find myself thinking about times that have gone and I think of how it could of been different, but that is just all fantasy and hope... because it can't ever be changed.
I really have enjoyed the love I've felt for those few people in life and this is where I kind of go back on where this whole blog started. 
&& admit the truth, like I had to when I spoke with my mum the other day... 
People who are out of the closet always told me, that if I am that way inclined don't let it define you, it is just  a part of you... and that when you admit it, you will feel the weight leave your shoulders..
BUT for me it wasn't like that, it didn't feel any better, it almost felt like I had just struggled with my trauma and decided to label myself this for the sake of avoiding those situations again... thinking that if I said I was gay, that men wouldn't try it on any more... if anything it just made them try harder, and I really enjoyed that.. not something, that someone gay would say surely??
The thing is, I just want to fall in love, and I want it to be forever - and more than love, I want my soulmate... I never was the child who grew up dreaming of my wedding day... But to be a mother is always what I've wanted... I am very close to my mum and I wanted to have that with my own child... 
I am sure this is like wtf to you reading this and to those that know me probably not what you expected to read.
The bottom line is this, I dealt with things in my past by pushing them away, even the things and people I wanted.. I just pushed them away. 
I am starting to deal with it now, from the help of my Dr and that... and the real reason this all came about was because of my feelings for someone, who broke the mould as its a he... && I don't want to push him away this time.
Wow, feels good to pile that all on to you.
I want a new tattoo also :) 
TC -x- 

"My eyes are so tired" but I always look out for you....

Sometimes I think deeply, so much so that I actually leave reality for a moment...
I awake from a dream and i think what was that thought I just had all about? was it necessary??

I dont know.. .Sometimes I forget to care because I feel this feeling is just too much of all of my spare time
that is affects more than i think to let on
and I am typing this away thinking do these people reading understand what I mean?
&& most times I hope they dont, because the majority of cases I dont want them too



See the thing is, I have always been this ONE thing...
But I was just GOOD at hiding it all beneath the duvet or joke or mumble..
Until EVENTUALLY it just blew up within my heart and FEELINGS and I couldnt contain it anymore...

Then ONE DAY I just found myself saying it in mind thoughts and it was already taking over dreams and diaries... I couldn't hide anymore and the truth was I DIDNT WANT TO

I have never been the hugely honest of folk, I would talk and open up but never fully, I kept A LOT back and I think people just assumed I was being ME when I was ACTING straight....

People even now have a problem with how I look and who I say I am.... Which I suppose is their issue right???

Still hurts my feelings when people think I am so MUCH MORE than I am....

Its almost like to these PEOPLE I am NOT enough...

But I am just me, I can only be me and I am now finally comfortable with that...
I wont lie though... I do miss those individuals... and maybe I always will....


BUT sometimes LIFE is just made of SO MUCH MORE.... !!!!!!