Passing time

I could never ever really tell you the truth 

Not really 

I wanted to but my needs were far below yours 

Hidden under piles of rows and gaslit evenings where I started to lose my reflection 

I would sit in my room and think tonight I will say it but the moment would only roll on by me 

Like the time passing so slowly

I could never grab it and it was always a moment gone 

We met at a time I was becoming 

I was becoming me and it was scary

My past links were present and my confidence had grown 

My clothes were my choice as was my music 

My flat was rented but it was all me 

All mine and all as I had wished and dreamt it to be 

The one before had no front door so this was steps above 

Find the stump

Find the root cause of all this insomnia and pain 

Waking from drained feeling and emotion to start the new day

Emotionally exhausted before I ever start

All you 

All us 

Some true and some not 

Patching over the cracks we had made over and over

Not really sure why 

No regrets just time gone by 

No replay 

No way back 

You can’t change anything 

What’s funny is when I’ve sat in the feeling and searched for the meaning 

I have been met with reality 

Never been on a pedastal for anyone 

Never been someone’s obsession 

Never felt that special 

I half believed it once but I was mistaken 

When given time to really show it they were gone so fast 

The door didn’t even shut 

It’s my way 

It’s how i do life 

But now the blurred image in the mirror is getting easier to see

I see my deep look in those eyes and finally see me 

I want to do life my way and live life properly

I want to meet people who compliment me 

Who mean what they do and mean what they say

I want to have conversations that flow without being on a timer

I want to offload my day without fear of being ignored

I want someone to see my ASD as endearing and ok 

I want to be free to be me and for them to be there as part of my army

The army there to protect and let no one harm me 

To be my cheerleader when I lack confidence

Or to pick me up when I fall 

To know I have been through hell these passed 4 years but it will not be wasted

The lessons will forever be sketched into my memory

I am not looking for complete as I already have that 

I am hoping for friendship loyalty and love

That house on that street 

My own place 

Decorated for me by me

Persistence and resilience are traits I didn’t ever imagine 

But they’ve been my silent companion all this time