Never another day

Never another day like that day I found you please

I can barely fathom the stages it’s so hard to believe 

Never another day like that appointment looming on that treasured final night of the year in 2022

Never another day like that one that took my breath away with it, and the person I was in that moment stopped, and this new one took over 

Never another day like that one before the operation lying in bed knowing you were growing inside me

Never another day like that birthday that felt oh so flat and painful as I caught those tubes on the sofa as I walked away

Never another day like the one I thought she’d not make it to, a taxi and alone for my first chemo but luckily she made it through 

Never another day like that one I realised how bad this was, how sick I felt, and how scared I really was

Never another day 

Never another day like that one when I realised my marriage was truly over and that I’d never return to my job of 6 years, 

Never another day like that one when I sat in my house knowing that would be the last time ever and all those dreams and plans up in smoke 

Never another day like that one I met all those people in that residential stay at the hospital, suffering with awful tumours and learning of the life they so very much hung on to 

Never another day

Never another day like the times I’d catch my reflection and think how did I get so sick, so pale and so bald

When did I become a long term patient 

Never another day 

I can’t keep up with the days and weeks and months that have been before me as I sit typing this 

I can barely process the angst, the tears and the loss of so many parts of my previous life

My previous life where for granted was so real, time seemed endless and future planning was my hobby 

I have changed forever and in some ways I’m so glad I have 

Too many months of real unhappiness, needed a reason to end them 

Needed a reason to leave 

My situation was not serving 

My life was not enough 

I can remember the reaction when I spoke those words, “I will never be the same again, I won’t be returning to normal…” never a truer statement 

Forever changed 

Never another day of that woman, this life started in that moment on that Friday afternoon, 10th Feb 2023. 

Never another day wasted 

Never another day taken for granted 

Never another day of unkindness to myself, or blame… as 2024 people say “it is, what it is”  

Like this

It hasn’t always been like this, has it?

It seems if I really focus it has 

Maybe there were times I wasn’t this way but too few to remember 

I know it wasn’t the same with the serious one though 

The one I’d committed to

Not at first

Because she was so different 

What do people even talk about these days ?

I know I can fill an empty space and fill it with pointless nonsense 

Is that what communication looks like?

Is that what I’m looking for or should hold out for?

Can it not just be the looks?

I think I know it can’t as that’s not worked 

The looks far outweigh the person 9/10

And I don’t need the personality with my brain 

Like AI I just make it up

I put everything I like into one big bowl and mix it up

I spend time without consciously noticing the invention I am working on

So that when I do chat with them I’m so sure that minds creation links I lose the boundary

I can’t see the line between the reality and the fiction 

And I say I don’t like fiction?

Well maybe because I envelop people so deeply rooted into this interactive universe 

One they didn’t ever enter

But one I can never leave 

So to put my theory to the test 

An app without pictures 

Just personality 

Love is blind or should be 

To be shallow is not my choice 

But my pattern to be so hyper focused on the exterior 

I mean jeeez who ever said don’t judge a book by its cover

Seriously had multi meaning to that cause 

Neck sprain

For the neck sprained and it caused me pain 

It caused the deepest pain imaginable

It kept me in one place 

Forged shut and without support 

I could no longer sit quietly and watch people pass by

For I could not watch them leave or be their shoulder should they cry

This neck paralyzed me in this moment and would not let me go

No painkiller released me 

No sleep rested me 

Tortured souls enveloped me as I tried all night to switch off

But in a disarray woken up I was

Startled by the earlyness of the hour

As my pain overtook my breath 

It controlled my head and I could not shake it 

I could not shake it as I couldn’t move 

Yet i remain hopeful 

I can feel the day upon me

The blueness in the sky

The love surrounds me and lifts me high above this shit

I will be patient 

Accept that I sometimes need to relax 

Let this time be unwasted