What is

What is this life really

For we all participate without understanding or validation

We are not asked or chosen but placed 

We are here for nothing other than breath 

And sometimes that is too hard

We are all here making the most with what we are given

Learning and experiencing moments that cannot be repeated 

It’s hard and it’s cruel at times

Life hurts 

Life hurts more than is advertised 

But no one gives up because of this fact

We dig deep

Roll up our sleeves and do all we can 

Fight for all we can get and hope for the best

What else is there?

Autumn leaf 🍁

As I sit here looking out at the fall

The season that brings with it the end of the summer and the preparation for winter 

I sit here with feelings of sadness

Life is such an uphill struggle for all living things these days 

Not just a simple three meal 8hours sleep exercise

But a life filled with stress, worry, hate and illness

We are born into this life with one goal

To live

And that is something that we all fight for each and every day. Some have harder fights, some have more support friends and family but alone we choose our destiny

Animals in the wild have no one 

They simply are born and then do all they can instinctively to survive 

My cats are just this. Alone but with fire in their bellies to be here

When this fight is over, we are like the autumn leaf on the highest branch 

That wind takes us on a journey down and there we rest

We rest for eternity

But surrounding that tree is the memories they left behind

Flashback to the summer skies when the sun shone through the windows of this house  brightening up the room and bringing with it a warmth

Pictures of this garden would show these trees full of colourful leaves that brought a smile

Flashback further to the person who went out and brought the seeds to plant the tree

Just because the leaves have fallen doesn’t mean we have forgotten the sweet smell of the flower which blossomed in the spring 

For people it is a lot bigger

For with people the memories can be endless

And they are shared amongst family friends and people you meet 

Right from your spouse to your post man 

The smile you gave that person in the street, who might have been sad

Or the way you made your child feel at Xmas

These Memories never fade

Not if we remember them 

Talk about them

Bring them with us

For people and lives can live on for eternity

Keep them treasured in your heart forever 

RIP RE

Minds’ game of, I dare you

Clasp my hand against your own

Hold on to me like it matters

Don’t ignore me as we walk amongst the beauty of others 

Remember why you asked me that day 

When we are apart, miss me 

Miss me like I matter

Tell me you do

Not just words but backed up with emotion 

Emotion that shows me you care

Always been an action over words

But I have always needed both 

We never knew we’d be where we are 

But we are 

Why do we waste our time overthinking things

No one ever said life was easy

Or that it made any real sense

People over the centuries have looked into the ways behind and the reasons behind 

A way to understand 

But 

We cannot be held responsible for everything we do 

Nor should we worry 

I have a mind filled with questions to ask you 

I get your attention and I can’t even speak them 

They remain inside my head 

The head is a strange place

The lights never go out do they 

The mind is a stretched out road of little streets which never lead me any place 

I am often found in a small room within a quiet lane 

The curtains drawn 

Eyes down as the thoughts overwhelm me

Spin above me at such rates

Like a spider spinning a web 

I’m trapped 

Glued to the room 

The corner of that forgotten room 

Dust surrounds me 

I can’t tell you 

I can only feel it 

I can only assume you feel it too

And silently our feelings deepen

And overtime we will either be stronger 

Or we will be a forgotten memory 

Vix

Well here we are 

About to witness an individual make history 

We have known and supported Vix through so many endeavours over the years 

And I am sure there were plenty before we even met

Vix was introduced to me as my now wife’s best mate

Someone who studied at Uni with her and someone who had a smile for everyone

But then stood firmly and proudly on our wedding day as P’s”best woman and gave a speech I will never forget 

Vix is so sweet natured she often describes herself as someone who is walked over but I have always figured you’d be mad to do that to someone like this 

Someone who would walk on fire for you, if it meant you could go for dessert together 

Someone who can make words up for places and make them sound even better

But someone who does not judge 

Someone who has a genuine innate ability to make you feel understood and give you unrelentless consideration and compassion 

We have sat and listened to Vix talk about how her life has changed, when she started this transformation with Mags we were intrigued 

Enough so, we joined too and that sealed our triple threat friendship 

We became indestructible and unbeatable as three people who walked weekly and got each other through lockdown and became this crazy bubble 

Fast forward to now, with the strength and determination to make her own business idea a huge success. A house into a home and fluff into a goddess

We love you 

Today is so important and we will be there cheering you on with tears falling out of our eyes 

With pride and true friendship

You can do anything Vix 

Anything you ever wanted to and today you chose this 

I will say looking back to the day we spent the morning after our wedding, chatting giggling and still being drunk but it was such a moment and one I will never forget 

Come on now Vix own this stage 

You absolute cookie legend 

We love you 

KP

Long road behind us … more roads ahead

We sold our house on the day it was advertised officially

We didn’t expect it to be so quick and so when it was full asking price we were probably not ready

Turns out the offer came from a lady who happened to get in to view it because she saw the for sale sign and tried her luck.. she was never booked in

22 viewings were cancelled thereafter and we started looking… hard

Both working full time and me now fully into the numb pill our weekends were consumed by addresses and specs of our ideal flavour

We changed our mind a few times

Pulled out weeks before completion for our dream new build over quality

And in the end we were forced to rent or fear losing our purchaser after she’d waited 6months 

Renting has been hard 

It’s a weird one for me to return back to the dead money market but we were forced and had two kittens to think about 

We were also tied into a year long contract and moved during the global pandemic 

Life was not normal for anyone

The time here has been strained and me no longer on numbing pills I have grown to resent it 

We have tried and failed to find anything and also worried we’d be stuck being in contract and then having a house purchase too

Trust me, if I could worry about it I was and it was not getting easier

Today we are moving out

Finally that house we had wanted existed and although not in an area we had envisaged for health pandemic and to have what little family I have now here, it was the right fit

I had suggested being close to my in-laws as I have always been grounded by family and missed that 

The feeling of owning a house again is a blissful one and to not be held by some old twats rules is surreal

Let’s be honest here, I am not a fan of being told what to do in my own place

It will be a long weekend for all the wrong reasons those being stress no patience and little sleep but it’s a small price to pay for peace of mind 

To know the walls doors and floors are yours 

And to know your paying into a building you will own

Adulting was never easy

It was a force to be reckoned with

Much more than broken hearts and teenage hangovers 

But I’m happy to say I’m still learning from mistakes 

Life is not here for bruise free paths

But more to laugh when you fall and pick yourself back up

Ps wish us luck 🍀 

Sequel

I am not sure how I feel right now

I look out to the room I am sat and I am surrounded by boxes filled with our life

The life that we have had these passed 18months

Through a global pandemic

An existence that has no words that support the emotion encapsulating the world we were in 

We taught here 

In confined spaces during a life that took lives 

Daily news updates talking through our tv 

Death tolls rising 

And this house feeling smaller 

Cramped and claustrophobic 

But together 

Sometimes it felt like we were so alone here 

Confined to such proximity

But some days our voices gave each other hope

Now we are both sat boxes piled up high 

Pictures in bubble wrap

A life left sealed from one house to the next

A feeling and reality I could not even see

A time where we didn’t know what would be

2020 being one of the hardest years in my life

Psychologically and emotionally 

Now a new dawn 

A new page

The series of KP continues 

We have subscriptions to life

We have dreams and a desire to achieve them 

Watch us as we close off another building 

Left with memories we shall remember and memories we will shut away 

Memories nevertheless 

Onwards and upwards

Carpe Diem 

You are off the hook now … so leave it there

When we all attend your evening do ensure you arrive on time

For we are here for a show of our life

We are not often concerned with the drama outside the remit of our own worlds but of late that has been my soul draining time

I have struggled with the intensity of the existence of others in my sights 

I cannot fix them 

I have realised after a long endurance test that I cannot physically or emotionally fix them all 

And the most significant lesson is that I didn’t have to

It was never my job 

Never my purpose

Never my calling

If I am to succeed and survive this current damp spell I am to stop thinking I need to 

How could I possibly 

When would it end

I need to see it for what it is

Give them what my title deems acceptable and forward them on

Instruct them of the services available 

Then when the day is drawing to a close

When the lessons are over

Sign off 

Let go and switch off

Don’t leave myself in stand by for the inevitability of that mistake

The messages the concerns the support 

I will never meet my own demands so why start the eternal spiral of disappointment 

Let them know I did my utmost 

Record the words accurately 

Then collect my bags and coat

And leave 

An acceptance speech for real life 💙

And then what happens 

People are all there on the calls feeding your broken shell with ideas and advice

Their true feelings come out at the bucket load

You are breathing in deeply and trying to manage the thoughts you have about it all yourself

They all want to help but how can they really

How can anyone really know the heart and mind of another

How does anyone really know how another’s heart breaks and how it heals?

The phone calls end, the dead tone is deafening like white noise 

You are left in a room in a house which feels so cold

A house that had once sang to you your future plans and dreams

A house with pictures that cover walls of memories that you shared with someone who was supposed to be the everything you had always wanted

The house that is such a long way away

Away from the family that filled you with the love that you have searched for as a result

Your upbringing created the dream of true love

How do you build it up

Build it up from the ruin on the ground that lays in front of you 

The rubble that clouds your sight

Blocks the reality

That maybe 

Maybe 

Your gut was always aware

The gut had been screaming so loud 

For so long

That maybe you had not noticed that hum anymore

There is a beauty to this 

I promise you

A beauty that far exceeds your current thoughts and minds filled nights

Your dreams and nightmares have no idea 

They can not see this

For this is a bigger picture

The pixels far exceed the iOS on your devices

The picture is full of smiles and truth

Truth that might blur the current picture sat in frames in some half packed box in the attic

We are not always aware of the road below

We are too busy looking up

Too busy stressed from life, work life and living 

The strain of reality living in what we have coined the global pandemic

We cannot be blamed for not having the clearest vision in history to see what may have been the brightest light

We might have mistaken it for the sun

We all know that is getting hotter with the climate 

How the fcuk do we keep up with this

Trust me though 

It is not a completed novel

This is just a new chapter

Same character

But having seen through 20 plus vision 

Heart and mind on the window sill

Gut on a pedal stool 

Trust me

You will and have already levelled up

Levelling up and building strength 

Evolution at its best

Outgrown that picture 

Shed the skin 

When you are ready

Let it go

But don’t look back 

There was never a thing you could do more

You tried every thing 

And everyone knows that 

Last page

Gone are the future days in which I thought you would be here

Gone are the memories of our highest times

For now we are a were not a now

And that hurts

G & P

Come down from the heights 

They are not safe anymore for the wind is coming and will not wait 

Life has been a tumultuous existence in which heart and soul has been pushed against its rock and hard place

The pain has been squeezed deep into the pores of your skin and left you effortlessly tired

You are no longer able to muster the words of forgiveness and solitude is your only friend

The lights burn too bright for the sore eyes which are stained and wrinkled from the stinging of salted water which poured so heavily from them 

I will not apologise for being

For being is a blessing in this uncomfortable existence 

The existence which has taken the beauty of company of others and replaced it with the fear of ill health and guilt

We have been blamed and slaughtered for wanting to see those we love

Cancelled plans that have been the light for so many’s tunnel

Weddings and births are now a solo project in which only the brave or stupid can partake

Life is not as we knew it

But a sketch that was left out in the ruins of thunderstorms to smudge and become drenched

We are no longer able to see through the tinted lenses that are placed on our faces as we wake to the morning tune of birds

Concealed like some cheap make up you got free in a bingo hall toilet

Sticking to the floor that has been trampled for so many years the carpet is so weathered the colour doesn’t have a name

Dragging our limbs up stairs in fear of lifts or social contact

Becoming shadows of our former glory days

Nostalgia over fantasy times we can’t remember 

Missing the days of a bus journey without concern over masks or distance 

Eye contact being something we all avoided but now how we read a rooms mood

How we interpret feeling for the voice and normal conversation diminishes to a face time call in this new societal norm of 2021

Come down from the heights

Look down at your hands holding a phone which encompasses your new life

Time lost to short videos of action and comedy 

For this is our new normal

This is our life now 

This islands carpet

Take me higher 

Fly me out of this country 

Out of the world

That is shredded and falling apart

The surrounding environments feel weathered and no longer hold their classy feelings of being someone

The world has changed so much I can’t quite remember the before

Not just the guidance or recommendations or laws

But the people

So many people lost battles to something we can’t even see

Just an image designed to show that it’s dangerous 

With it it takes your last breath 

Not a soul can run from it and everyone I know I just want to protect 

But people listen to that moral panic 

That media storm that has taken the innocence and trust 

It throws itself dangerously against our shelter and drowns all that gets caught out

Not anything can run from that 

It’s like some csi film glitch that always runs you out 

Take me higher 

Put me in a seat and throw me into the atmosphere 

Let the faith and belief that I have help me land safely

That faith in the human I am 

Just a dash in time 

Born to make a difference

An impact on another

I feel like a saviour and a victim in the same second

Random rambles 

From the earth that we walk on

Under a sky that keeps the sun shining

From a different country

But in our island

Our island of chances and possibilities 

Never shade where you grew up

For it created who you are today

All those experiences and memories are encapsulated in this place of calm and peace

Enough peace to hear my thoughts this evening

Enough peace to empty the bins 

Process my ramblings into text to share with you 

Still hurts

It still hurts you know

That healing process has been going on for months

Like the wound that won’t seal

It pours out all over me sometimes

At night the tears are falling

I try all I can to control it but sometimes I just let it in

Let it consume

It has to

I’m still angry about it all the time 

Angry that it was him and us and now 

When life is already difficult 

When your career has become your life as you slowly drown below the expectations 

As you struggle to keep up with the mental well-being of all your students your staff and now family too

Hardest assault course I’ve ever been through 

Hated every second of it

Didn’t want to lose on my final day of college 

So I didn’t show up at all

Who was she

Run away at any risk of losing

These days I can be in last place and still push through 

It still hurts me though..

Seen as a role model

Me a role model?

Me inspiration 

Can’t quite get my breathe at those comments

I just blush and dismiss them

Crazy cat really aren’t I?

But I figure if I get better at this bit, the rest will fall in line 

Never really been someone who gives up 

I don’t give up on anyone

Not one student have I left behind

Drag them if I have to

Need that attitude with myself now

But just know

It still hurts

But I have faith in the healing 

Not all doom and gloom

 What is there to be from all of this really

Are we to look back in horror and clench at the conversations around us as people whisper lies about the actual reality of COVID

Are we to pipe up and wave our hands and say we know we know we were here

Look at how the historians change and merge truths with propaganda to fear factor a new generation

People will be afraid to hug or dance at weddings

the elderly of our society will be left alone in fear of causing them harm

Health will never be the same

Thats what they want us to think isn't it?

Just completely lose ourselves in this crazy dream that does not need to be awoken from

No not i, sir

Not i at all

We congregated and communicated through the one invention we all thought was full of hate

we created groups of people we loved online and braced ourselves for online calls

we went on video with our favourite drink and toasted into the new year with tears for the sorrow we felt for those we were missing

we set alarms for the early start on christmas day to make sure we have enough time with those we had not seen in over 9 months

we cheered on a thurs and celebrated an institution that was always here since 1948 but now had meaning and a link to our feelings

they made us better

who knew after all this time

the calls for sickness and illness reduced to leave the lines free for those who were actually struggling

people worked

missed colleagues

mental health rose

but we were all in it together

it was not all doom and gloom

we all gathered around the television on the PM announcements

the country split up

like we were all isolated countries forgetting that we were all one once

shops closed

the streets were empty

I kept up the walking into the city centre

in the wind rain, hail and even snow

we saw our breathe in the dusk as we looked up at empty buildings that were once so full of souls and life

birthday parties were for the bubble only

video calls and candles 

voicenotes became the new hug

we all just carried on

just like they always said we did in the history books

like the British do

And all this without a manual

without a previous example

without a google answer

we did it though

together we are strong

Not all doom and gloom

And then what

Am I supposed to just carry on like it’s fine

Is it supposed to be fine

I can’t fucking tell anymore

But I know I’m exhausted 

And I know for the most part this just makes me feel crappy

I didn’t expect this nor do I want it again

But sometimes in life this is all we actually need

Just that pick me up

That feeling of being needed

The attention even

But for how long until that spell goes out 

Until I am left just feeling abused on some floor in the middle of nowhere

I can’t tell anyone 

No one would understand 

They never do

Our minds our own worlds

They are not for the faint hearted 

They are not to be understood or explained

They are just instant pictures and messages like an over subscribed Snapchat account

I don’t even understand the lingo anymore anyway

I don’t have the time to learn 

It just makes me feel old

Older by the year but still with a young heart

My cardiologist told me that at least

A young heart

One that is still capable of being bruised and hurt by people who do not understand my motive

Never a negative feeling 

Just a want to support and guide people

To the detriment of my own minds world

To the detriment of my own emotions

That battered bruised heart just sat there in a pool of pain 

Me just trying to find that last piece to a puzzle I created through inception

Knowing I could fix it

Knowing they knew I could fix it

Call me Bob the fcuking builder

I have so many tools

So much time for anyone but myself

Not in some self obsessed or please feel sorry for me bull shit

But because it’s how I am

Always have been 

I will help a stranger a friend or a foe

I will cross bridges of heights I feel scared of

I will dive into the depths of the watery hell that is my fear to catch your bracelet

I won’t give up

I cannot walk away

I have to be left

But with that being left leaves me emotionally damaged and in need of something new

Constant cycles of no real smiles 

But that feeling when I’m making a difference

That is the best feeling in the world 

I could climb so high

On the adrenaline of feeling alive

Necessary 

Needed

Asked for

Validation at the highest degree

Circle of closure

So tonight is the eve of what could be quite a rough day tomorrow

The end of a triumphant year for some and for others a painful end for what has been a tough time 

When I came into this sector life was full but plain

It was the beige of existence and I was just tired of feeling numbed by the days

Watching the clock and just generally feeling tired 

I jumped in feet first into this sector because I felt I had this edge

Something inside of me that could be unleashed into the world and heads of others

I have loved every second of it

Adults have let me down over the years but these individuals have kept me thriving

They have kept me young as strange as that sounds

Tomorrow marks the end of that for many of these people I have gotten to know over the years

Nurtured them into the adults they leave us as

I expect the tears to fall but as to why I am not 100% sure

For I have just worked so hard to support them and advise them and now I feel sadness at their departure

I will miss them

The banter 

The teaching of minds

Hearing them learn and the penny falling

The comments over the years have made me feel so necessary 

In contrast to a time I felt such little purpose 

Some of the hardest times of my life in these passed 12 months

And these individuals kept me sane

Kept me focussed 

I really don’t know how I will be afterwards

But somebody I know told me about this circle ⭕️ 

We all have to process an ending

They might have started their chapter with me

But this is where their new book starts

I can’t be with them forever 

I need to feel happy for them

Proud of them 

I will grieve but I know I have done all that I could 

Made them laugh and helped them learn 

And now I will wish them well

Wave them off onto their next adventure

It will be emotional 

I feel it now as I write this and have been for several months 

“Goodbye” has never been my favourite part of living

But it is essential 

It will level up my resilience 

I hope for their success and pray for their happiness

Onwards and upwards

counting blessings

Quietly come and join me

I'm in the room full of flowers 

The smell of the roses fill the room with that sweet smile you have always given me 

The smile that seems to calm any storm

Warm any cold morning, waiting for my car to warm up

I'm sat in the window, leaning against the pane 

Face against the glass

My eyes are closed

But are tinged with tears

The walls are so clean, crisp and white 

There's so many pictures, they fill one whole wall, up into the ceiling 

I can barely find the words to type it to you tonight 

But I feel hurt

Hurt by the life that is in front of me 

Hurt that this passed 12 months has been so scary

I can honestly not catch my breath

They were always talking about their plans 

When we were growing up

Always had parents with such a forward thinking plan

They have always been those who worked hard and really didn't stop

Sat in the living room on a weekday night, comedy programme or an antiques show on the telly

Relaxing and comforted by the environment they had worked so hard for

Cars on the drive and money in the bank 

Holidays booked and plans insight 

We all flew that large nest several years ago, for some of us we flew back when life got hard, or love didn't work 

There was always a room that sat still and freshly made for our return 

Food in the cupboard 

Love in the arms of our parents

We knew the day would come where they would grow older 

The grey hair was showing 

It was a weird thing to see growing up 

Realising even as a teenager that parents get older 

Mum swam and they did yoga so it was never something I feared 

I knew there was some cardio issues but nothing that ever gave me concern 

Retirement seemed to always be so far out of their reach to me

Like work wouldn't let go

New jobs or ideas were continually in their paths and I'd often hope for the day that work was not their thing anymore

Air bnb and a big move to another world surrounded by the mountains and the hills

The freshest air you've ever smelt

The greenest views and all the walks you could ever dream of 

Finally I thought, they are not close anymore but they are happy and settled

They are doing all they want with their final years together 

But then it came and it threw that path away

Whilst on a holiday in their favourite place of all timings 

Broke the vase and surrounded us with the mess 

The dreams were not as clear and it was the scariest and saddest I've ever felt 

Looking at how hard they worked and now this 

This fcuking existence 

Took away the dreams 

And even if it does get better 

It's not fair

I'm absolutely gutted for them 

I could cry until I had nothing left in me 

But that won't change it 

We are strong and I know we are built with the family ties and we hold strong in any storm

But it's just not fair 

I still look upto my Dad 

Like I did as a little girl, the 2nd proud daughter who will keep that fight on his behalf until I have nothing left

Just praying for hope 

Praying for their happy ending 

With love 

Always 

K

Sit down

Come and sit down 

Sit with me for a while whilst I search my heart for the words to express my feelings

Not sure if this is heartbreak or regret

I feel like I could explode at the actuality of my racing thoughts

Where did that time even go anyway 

I mean wtaf

This was not in my training

I feel heavy with the weight of the world on my shoulders 

I feel a bizarre feeling flooding my thoughts and mind

I mean is this what it feels like 

Is this what it felt like to my role models

Did they get attached too

I often wonder how did this go so wrong for me

Was it me? 

Can I change it 

Or is this too late

Is this my lesson

A don’t do that again

Lockdown messed us all up

Maybe that’s it

Reliance on ideas that aren’t even real

Reliance of helping others to fill voids

Voids caused by ignorance and fear

Of seeing the damage or my reality

I know I shouldn’t let this go on

But I wish it would never end..

I have been here before now I really think about it

After they move on to the next level 

I felt saddened by the silence left by their personalities and stories

Or their first nerve racking role play or presentation 

By that spark that went off when they understood the theory 

From the continued thank yous and praise of my support and guidance

But now I am left in that room of mine

The one which will soon be filled with new people from all walks of life

And just like my school days I feel proud but sad

They have come so far

So far 

And now they just move on 

Reset

So life has come in today and said I need to try harder for myself 

It says I’ve been slacking and that time is not on my side 

It tells me I need to listen hard and remember the advice like a tattoo I see everyday

I am not unfortunately here to save everyone they said

They said, I need to stop trying 

I will always be a good ear, I will always be here to share truth if help is needed

But the help won’t come from me

I will be the messenger in this remainder of my life

I try so hard to not become attached

But it’s like talking to me, comes natural 

I can’t stop myself from caring and to be honest that is me

So that can’t stop 

But

This is their life

This is their belief 

I can’t fix that 

I can’t change it

I have to trust I did ALL I could 

I taught them what I can pass on 

I educated them 

But now they are free

They can stay or fly away

They can make mistakes and decisions I don’t agree with

They can fall in love young and throw away potential

But they can

And they will

Nothing I have done will stop that 

I can’t change them

This is just a different way

We all have our faith

And this is theirs

Give them the help and time

Then wish them well

Wave goodbye

New ones are at the door

Not your game to play

 So when I finally decide to leave this drama

I do not expect any applause for my better late than never vibe

I have always been such a work-proud person

Working up the ranks in some right little businesses

But PROUD and confident in my abilities and my progression

Even these days in the career I have now created, students look at me with disbelief at the experiences and jobs I have accumulated over my working life span

So when I look back at this time in my life

the time I worked towards through my education and life choices 

DO NOT TAKE this from me

It is not yours to touch or to screw up

I worked hard to be here

I am so sick of people being those NEGATIVE fools who just wonder around the streets

waiting on positive vibes so they can come and rain on your parade

knock you to the floor and criticise you for WORKING HARD

being strong, and confident makes you arrogant

working hard and trying each day to improve makes you a beg

No 

Not anymore

I have spent hours, days months and years reflecting

reflecting on things I never did 

Not in the way you have written them

strewn together lies to build a case

a case that nearly took with it my life

No 

Not anymore

I am not your game 

This is not a level up

this is my life

I know who I am

I know my capabilities

I know my own self worth

I deserve all I put in

I will get out, ALL I put in

You can hate me

Envy me, try and pull me down

But I will no longer listen

I will not give you the time of day

I am strong

I am capable.

dirty plates

Sometimes I can be sat in a real blurry place

It's weird to see blurry when you've had laser eye surgery.

But it is and it's painful and disorientating

I've hit low levels in my life time

Some levels are so low in my past I don't actually know how I found them

I know I'm not there

But this doesn't feel any better some days

It's the worst time to have this feeling

What with how life has been throwing us through shit as a nation this passed 12months

I almost feel guilt for having this feeling

The feeling I would describe as helpless

I feel helpless with my family

Helpless with my students and helpless with myself

I have always been such a strong force for people

My laughter and sarcasm keeps so many smiling and giggling

My humour never fails

But I just feel like I've been piling up plates for so long now

Piling them up so high, not even seeing them smashing in the floor below

The food is rotten on them and there is a feeling of neglect

I have never felt so numb yet in pain at the same time

My face would say I'm ok

This teaching world allows for this persona to almost become your everyday mask

I pick up the dishevelled students and fix them up and straighten out the creases repair the damage

Empower and inspire

But leave myself outside

The rain is falling and I'm shivering but not running for shelter

The numbness is paralysing me

It is soo strong but this work is just my mind blartin" the frustrations of life and managing emotions

I'm not running from anything but I'm sat with so many piles of plates I don't know where to start

The plates all have sentimental feelings and prowess so I cannot just bin it

What comes first though

I'm just empty

Not enough energy to muster it

All the marigolds and fairy but no water

nothing left to say really

When all is said and done

We do not have anything left really, do we

The stage is silent and the crowd starts to stand up and leave 

The room is left with a sense that life had been here

The smells of sweet perfume and happiness surrounds the curtains as they are drawn and another night is ticked off the list 

Theatre at its best 

Just one beautiful performance after another 

The acting is on point and the emotion fills our hearts with that thrill of live work 

We are enamored by the reality in front of us 

Children scream at the sight of Father Christmas or childhood books 

We all love to say "it's behind you"

Shivering with excitement at the whole spectacular atmosphere 

It never gets old

In my thirties I still smile until my face aches 

I enjoy the pantomime and the cheers and boos 

When I sit here typing up my memories into a box 

I feel still

Still and blank

The etch a sketch is empty and I have nothing to draw

Almost 12 months on after one of the most heartbreaking and mind-blowing experiences 

To pay witness to a death toll that exceed 100 before we could process it 

Face masks and sanitiser shortages 

Scared to hug and banned from family

Banned from existence in the only way we knew 

Banned from the cheers and the boos 

From the laughter and family times

From the large audiences 

Smiles and ice cream 

Nothing but silenced expressions hidden behind face masks and health fears

Oh I grieve 

I grieve it all

One day

One day soon

The dates will be counted down

Calendars full of meaning and forward planning

When all is closed until further notice

There's nothing left to say, really