counting blessings

Quietly come and join me

I'm in the room full of flowers 

The smell of the roses fill the room with that sweet smile you have always given me 

The smile that seems to calm any storm

Warm any cold morning, waiting for my car to warm up

I'm sat in the window, leaning against the pane 

Face against the glass

My eyes are closed

But are tinged with tears

The walls are so clean, crisp and white 

There's so many pictures, they fill one whole wall, up into the ceiling 

I can barely find the words to type it to you tonight 

But I feel hurt

Hurt by the life that is in front of me 

Hurt that this passed 12 months has been so scary

I can honestly not catch my breath

They were always talking about their plans 

When we were growing up

Always had parents with such a forward thinking plan

They have always been those who worked hard and really didn't stop

Sat in the living room on a weekday night, comedy programme or an antiques show on the telly

Relaxing and comforted by the environment they had worked so hard for

Cars on the drive and money in the bank 

Holidays booked and plans insight 

We all flew that large nest several years ago, for some of us we flew back when life got hard, or love didn't work 

There was always a room that sat still and freshly made for our return 

Food in the cupboard 

Love in the arms of our parents

We knew the day would come where they would grow older 

The grey hair was showing 

It was a weird thing to see growing up 

Realising even as a teenager that parents get older 

Mum swam and they did yoga so it was never something I feared 

I knew there was some cardio issues but nothing that ever gave me concern 

Retirement seemed to always be so far out of their reach to me

Like work wouldn't let go

New jobs or ideas were continually in their paths and I'd often hope for the day that work was not their thing anymore

Air bnb and a big move to another world surrounded by the mountains and the hills

The freshest air you've ever smelt

The greenest views and all the walks you could ever dream of 

Finally I thought, they are not close anymore but they are happy and settled

They are doing all they want with their final years together 

But then it came and it threw that path away

Whilst on a holiday in their favourite place of all timings 

Broke the vase and surrounded us with the mess 

The dreams were not as clear and it was the scariest and saddest I've ever felt 

Looking at how hard they worked and now this 

This fcuking existence 

Took away the dreams 

And even if it does get better 

It's not fair

I'm absolutely gutted for them 

I could cry until I had nothing left in me 

But that won't change it 

We are strong and I know we are built with the family ties and we hold strong in any storm

But it's just not fair 

I still look upto my Dad 

Like I did as a little girl, the 2nd proud daughter who will keep that fight on his behalf until I have nothing left

Just praying for hope 

Praying for their happy ending 

With love 

Always 

K