Who are you... Shadows lost in time

What are these shadows anyway
Who are they attached to
It's funny because everywhere I look, there they are

They are not interfering but just telling me, almost reminding me of their presence

I do not understand

I woke up today
Felt like a fuzzy feeling in my head
Like a hangover
Yet I had not drank in such a long time
Could not place the feelings
Then as I got up and dressed ready for the day ahead, left the house and walked to the train station
There it was
The shadow
Like it had followed me

I wondered as I stepped onto that train and found a seat
I thought deep about this presence of shading
Wondered why
Why was it with me
Now of all times
It had not been here a month or two ago
Not for the build up of change which threw itself on to my plate
Expecting me to swallow it down
Without chewing, choking it did not matter
Oh no, it was not here then

I would have given my right arm for a shadow then
A feeling of friendship
Having that independent ear
No loyalties
Just an ear to my woes

Weeks had been passing
Two at the most
And I was sat getting ready to return to the humdrum
Bags were being piled high with washing and memories were encased in my minds eye
My thoughts were sullen
That's the thing about holidays
Months of saving and over in a blink
But all so worth it
Worth the days spent educating the future
Educating lives to be good and compassionate
Educating myself

Tans are collected and thanked for
Well received and create the green eye on arrival back to the blighty

I know this shadow is with me, still
When will it ever attach to a person is something I will never answer nor shall I wish for
I will accept what I have
Know that it is there
Almost dream that it answers my thoughts and voices my feelings
I will ask that it stays
Stays close

I mean God only knows that I am the same for that shadow
That blip might need me to

Who knows...
Who ever will

Rocking chair

When you find yourself walking down the lanes that you remember as a nipper you need to ask yourself
What has changed?
How have you developed since the last time you were here?
Are you even different or just the same?
When we are faced with kick backs how do we challenge them or do we just leave them be and walk away and let them win

Is this life all for nothing
Nothing better to do so you just kept going
Hair grew long, then grew thin, then stopped growing then went grey
And for what
Did you not dance in the rain
Sing at a karaoke
Danced like noone was watching and carried on even if they were
Said what you thought in that moment and worried about the aftermath later
Loved what you felt was right
Did not worry about the ag you would receive
Lived for you
Knew that one day this will not be here
Your youth, your attitude your get up and go
You will not be able to run for the train or ride your bike down hills that scare you
You will be stuck in an arm chair
In a living room covered in memorabilia of a life you have lived
With faces of those present and those who passed
Your mind will be vague and slow
You will not be as witty
Your jokes will come after the moment and noone will be there to hear them or laugh
Your advice will be silenced by the walls surrounding your existence
Your will, will be written and your time ticking down

Will you be happy
Will you look back sat on a rocking chair given to you years before for the days of reflection they said you would have at this age, and will you smile
Smile at the happy moments that fill your life and memory
Thinking back to times you were challenged but you fought on
You got back up when knocked down
Became the person you wanted to be
Loved those you wanted
And left behind those you did not
Learnt from mistakes and left the past where it should be?

I do hope so
Be the lady sat rocking away, babbling but with a heart and mind full of smiles and laughter
Of a life lived, and enjoyed
So when the time stops
No regrets

And then what

And what about the distance
The different walls and rooms
Same furniture but different surroundings
How do i cope with the changes
I mean we are all human but surely there's a difference
A difference between life and normal
Is this normal
Probably
But we are never really ready are we!?
For change
No
Never

Abandoned2

Waking up to the sun-kissed fields
Moist to the touch from the morning dew
Wishing I had not continued the argument that resulted in me ending up here
For its an easy thing to say, how you wish you could turn back that clock but even the strongest god in history has struggled with those two arms on the circle of time
I am not sure what to do with myself as I lay sprawled out on this drenched blanket in the clothes I have worn for several nights
I have no money or battery on my phone
I do not really recognise my whereabouts so to simply walk home is not an option I can choose

When did I become so immature
Surely through age you learn from experiences and to have a row with the one in control is never going to end in your favour
But I knew all this and yet I dug my heels deeper into the ground forcing an eruption of abuse and disray only to wake up here, weather beaten and hungry, exhausted even after sleep and lost
Abandoned in this patch of land in the middle of anywhere

Flooded with feelings

I've always been a strong swimmer
Yet my one big fear is drowning
Maybe we fear what we are best at

I feel recently like the room I am in
Is without light
And without a door
There's a tap and no sink and the walls are made of rubber
I'm in normal attire and nothing else is with me
There are simple pictures on one wall filled with views of the sea, and flowers blossoming wildly in fields
On another wall is all I have experienced in my life
Including words, drawings video clips, diary entries and these little poems/blogs
Then on another is a wall I struggle to look at for long
Not long before tears streak my face and dampen my clothes
For this wall is my family home
All of the events in a time line
From the beginning of choosing the room that would encase my childhood and early adulthood life
Brimming with feeling and adolescence and youth
Hidden cigarettes and wine and sandwiches as a child
The room with a view
The timeless view of life from up high and all angles
Then as you run through it you see my family
Our bunch of life
The adventures we have endured whilst existing within an encasement of memories
Cats and Christmas and new cars
Parties and bouncy castles and homework
Music and the amersion and dial up internet
Pot pourri, clean washing loads of shopping deliveries and birthdays
Sleepovers hangovers and sometimes rows
Sibling rivalry
Birthday cake
Roaring fires
Eastenders at Xmas
Pretty flowers, bbqs, music that brought laughter and tears
Late night conversations with a shot glass in tow
The radio Times, posh glasses, traffic outside
Bunkbeds, waiting for the bathroom, sharing beds, singing, laying the table on a Sunday,
Warm and cosy
Tall and massive
Fireworks over the road
All using the gym at one point
A new bike leant against a wall
A basketball hoop
Being timed on the computer and the phone
Emptying the dishwasher
Decorating the Xmas tree
Polishing our set room
Thunderstorms on our first night
A garden to be proud of, a house to adore
Always life in every room
Life in every inch of this plot of land which was ours
Shining down on us with pride and happiness
Encouragement to do what we can with our lives
Never give up

Life is forever changing and I can hardly keep up
But I know that I have had a brilliant 25years in a house full of opportunity
Advice and wisdom passed down by two amazing parents
Who have given their adulthood to provide for us and nurture us to be humans they are proud of
A sister who makes me proud with a nephew whom I adore
A brother who encourages me to keep fighting whatever the battle because we will always be the one left standing

We are on countdown now
Time is flying passed this room of mine and I need to let it
Not fight it and accept it
I was taught better..

I will beat these waves
Swim through all the pain it might cause and win the race

What is going on?

What is this world becoming
Scum just falls from the sky
Life is just so twisted
Victims are left on the floor

These people they come from nowhere
They drag at all they can carry
They don't care about the pain inflicted
Because to them it's theirs for the taking

I can't even state how I am feeling
Because the pain is too deep and has yet to offload
I just know that when I heard the words I felt sick
My knees and hands trembled

I can't even understand the whys anymore
This society is just full of evil
They take people's confidence and smiles
And they replace them with tears and fear
I don't want this life to continue
People just need to learn lessons
They can't keep on going with this treatment of others
And thinking that it's OK

So what would my advice be
I don't know
People cause fear because of fear
Surely this cycle is damaging
Surely this cannot keep going
Surely this mental health will erupt and blow us up in the end
Nothing will be left
Just tattered pieces of life scattered amongst graves that cover the lives of young people who couldn't stop the hurt
They couldn't stop the pain
They had no strength left in them to stop the shame caused by others actions
Careless senseless people with minds full of mud

I'm gutted absolutely gutted

Hanging by a thread

Here I am
Like I said I would be
No, I'm not dressed as you expected and yes I might look a little pale but I'm here
You had been on at me for a while now to visit and show my face so here it is
You aren't particularly impressed as I am like 10minutes late but as they say
Better late than never
We decide to grab a coffee at a place you know to make this whole ordeal normal
Well more normal than it is
As let's be honest this is a crazy idea

The day has been so warm and the streets are filled with people who are regretting their attire choices, as they huff and puff their way home
Sweating and annoyed they are carrying such a large overcoat
They think to themselves, "this is the last time I listen to BBC weather"
Noone is ever prepared enough really
We all know that one person whose bag is full of absolutely everything you can imagine
But in that moment the one thing you need, is missing
Then you have those people who carry nothing but a phone with a card slotted in the back or a few purples incase it's needed that day
Where do I slot myself, I wonder
The soya latte is ordered and I'm dreading this whole idea now its starting to get closer and is now obviously happening
We are now in the moment
This is not a rehearsal and this can not be paused, edited or filtered
It is the real deal
And its terrifying
You sit down opposite me and take a swig of your macchiato
You are breathtaking
You look so real
I could almost reach out and touch your arm
But I know this is an arrangement in which I've paid for and I know the rules are clearly set out for the do's and don'ts
But it is difficult to resist it
I just want to know there is an arm in that jacket and its not just a mirage
I'm scared to blink I know so because the lenses on my eyes are drying out
So, you say
Our time is counting down
How can I help?