What Next?

I didnt get up today
I heard my alarm screaming at the tops of its lungs and I just shut it off and turned over
I didn't want to wake up
I wanted to fall into dreams forever
For compared with now, they were better
I felt the day push passed me and I knew people would be angry
But who cares anyway, they could never feel the way I feel
Not ever.

I didn't get up today
I couldn't face my reflection
I could feel my heart beating out of time and my thoughts crashing and the pulse getting faster and i was struggling.
It was killing me
All of these memories and doubts
All these hurtful surroundings
All forcing their way in to swamp me
To push me to my limit
To stretch me so thin I lose myself

So I stayed in bed
I convinced myself my life was a dream
One which i would wake up from
That the demons weren't real and the doubts were not there

Days passed me
It was becoming something even I couldn't cope with...
What next?

Spring clean

Take down the decorations
This day is over
Everything has been drank and everyone has gone
All that is left is the rooms
Full of white noise
The party was loud and my ears feel blocked
The music still sounds like its on
You should see the mess
They'd never be like this in their own house ~ go figure when they trash yours
My eyes are so heavy, I want to leave this till the morning
But I don't

Sometimes life can surprise
It can revisit rooms you thought had been locked up
It can untidy your once sorted mind
You can be left with memories reeling over and over, drowning you in your past
Nothing bad but nothing you need reminding
You can feel like a cheat because you miss it
You can feel confused

You clean up faster
You believe your mind will settle once you do
De-clutter your mind with each movement
Leave yourself empty
Take in a deep breath and believe you are ok
That the past has a crazy way of creeping up
That guilt isn't necessary
Take down the decorations
The day is over
And you will live to see another

War and Fears

Triggered the lights and it went out
Left with nothing but the memory of what had been seen
Rituals were taken and shuffling feet made there way towards the outside space
Screams were heard but from where I couldn't say, my eyes weren't adjusting quick enough
This was how it went, every night the same
Like a bedtime but without a choice and it didn't matter what age you were
For safety they said, get in the bunkers lights out and sleep... better if you're asleep, you'll miss all the terror
You won't hear the bombs land, you won't witness your house being smashed to the ground, you won't see your wordly possessions turn to ash in the flames
For, you will be locked up below the ground, wishing your eyes would adjust so you could find people you knew, reminding yourself for comfort that they'd made it in here too
Praying that when you wake up, you're not alone in this existence but that your family are battling on with you
That one day you will walk the streets above without fear
That one day your life won't be under threat
That one day war will be a thing of the past and peace will reign upon us all.

My Journey

The hill seemed ridiculous
Looking at it as we pulled up
My heart just sank... i was never going to climb it
Groups of people started to arrive
We had created chants to keep the drive and motivation
"If we want it to happen it will"
Over and over like fans in a football final
Crowds formed and the challenge became real
Looking around peoples faces just looked excited
They said the view was breathtaking and we all wanted to see it
So on your marks get set, go!!!
The power walk began
It at first seemed too easy, people started drinking their liquids eating their energy and chatting like we were almost at the top... but we weren't we had barely started
My legs were throbbing, aches and pains and blisters... I'll be honest the curiosity of the view didn't seem as thrilling anymore.
The crowd died down... people tailed off or gave up
Rolled themselves back down the little acheivement they'd accomplished
I would watch but kept thinking, I've come this far... i should keep going
If you want it to happen it will
Don't just give in
I was exhausted
My water was out and my leg was agony
But i felt so close
It felt warmer
Calmer
The energy felt amazing
My heart soared
That feeling of achievement
One i never felt possible
I was there and my god it took my breath away
You stood at the top of your paradise
It looked like... to be honest i can't say
For I walked it to find out for myself
And to myself i shall keep it
If you want to see, you'll have to compete too
Compete in life and see where your life could end up
Quick before time runs out...

Secrets

Follow me to the darkest place
Sit with me for a while
Try not to take it in too much
This place isn't even real
Listen to the sound of life
As it passes us by
Tell me to take your hand
And get on board the flight
Don't tell me to stay away
For that would never do
We are meant to as one
It's supposed to be just me, and you
Tell me of your horrid past
And watch the tears fall
As I can not believe my ears
Not a minute, nothing at all

Just saying

When i tell you i dont care
Ignore me cuz i got a heart so big like an army and the feelings get so strong like a thunder storm
It can be dangerous but i love them
I love all that you give me and all of the feelings and all of the stresses and all of the drama and the making up kisses and the feelings and the feelings
I'm in love

Resolutions this, Resolutions that

this is the last day
it is the day in which we pledge to change everything about ourselves
we are going to become size zeros, we are going to change our friends, change our habits and our tricks
its the day we tell the most lies
its the day we all waste knocking ourselves down
so far down we drink to forget and wake to remember and nothing is any different
see the thing is this is a final curtain to another year
another 365 days in which we have fought hard to keep our existence
we have earnt money worked hard and been through all sorts of trivial pursuits
but we are all still here
we weren't taken above the clouds, we didn't give up, we may have had tears but they dried, we may have been struggling but we survived
and we choose who we see in the new year with
and we contemplate the new beginnings
stop destroying the memories
stop disliking who you are
i wont change
i wont look to diet either
i will set me some aims and tick them off
i will look at all i want in my surroundings and i will get them
life is tough
it is what they all say
no one has a clue how it will go
but we forget how much we can control
how much we can ask for and receive and in return, what we can give
keep healthy, do all you can to maintain that
life will try those though, and in this lessons will be learnt


I used to spend so much time listing off what i wanted to change
i would slate everything i had, like it was the evil
but it wasn't
i made every choice
things happen that we don't want but i kept at it
so this year, why not just enjoy toasting out to 2014, and all that it brought
the new faces,  new places, changing lives
the new career paths, the lost loves, the new loves, the new places in which we live, the things we acquire, the lessons we learn, the memories all in pictures marked in albums on social media
a toast to those who left us, those who didn't get to stay with us, [to me this was our beloved cat Ben]
let us toast their farewell and keep going
another year under our belts
who knows where we will be on the last day 2015