last time...

It is sometimes a hard expectation to make upon others

That this will be the last time

That if you tell them it's nothing anymore and this is it

Will they listen

What if you are told it

No more 

Nothing left to hold on to

Your hands struggling to hold on to the handles that slip away and disappear into your unconscious 

I mean imagine a couple

They have been out on a night together 

It has been rocky 

Rocky being an understatement 

They have had nights of silence after bashing walls with hands and frustration 

They yell until the tears sting and stain their faces over the things the other needs to change 

Maybe he drank too much 

Maybe that was his problem 

He'd drink for no reason and no excuse 

Just because he could 

He would only drink more if you brought it up

As time continued the drinking became his crutch 

It was his ammo

If he was angry he fueled it more with this 

If you were hurt he would use it

The rows would last for days 

Both stubborn so making up was never easy and to be honest it got harder and less compelling as the months dragged on by

One day you wake up 

Headache from the tears and the rowing 

Headache from the realisation that nothing you say or do will change him 

You cannot go on like this.. 

This night out used your drama skills well

To any bystander you look like the perfect couple 

You look good, dress well and laugh at all the right places 

Meal few drinks and a night on the dance floor

Only his favourite has joined you

Alcohol is out too

Pints become shots become shorts become pints 

He's smoking too much and kissing him is like swiping an ash tray

Your attention is not on him so he finds it off others 

Making a fool of himself as he's falling on people as he sways 

Drink in hand

Security remove him twice for smoking inside 

It's call a cab time and he's spent all his money 

You end up walking

You are upset 

He's drunk 

You cannot go on like this... 

life goes on..

It's crazy really isn't it

You can be changing your whole world

And someone you know is just in the same place

We are packing up, and making boxes and sealing away our lives

And others are bringing home new bbqs and planning a weekend sesh 

Lives just carry on around you

People just carry on 

Conversations, work, driving, walking passed you on the street. 

Noone knows what anyone is dealing with

How they feel

Noone walks around with that much honesty 

I guess it's just strange 

Strange how life can be

That's all 

law of attraction - reminder

When do we say enough is enough

When are we so fully worked up that we cannot give another ounce of care

When is it OK to say I can't keep up anymore 

Life is not a continuous cycle, that we must elude to the pretence of being OK with all of the time. 

Life can throw some real mud pies that hurt and leave pain and bruising

That does happen and it doesn't make you less of a person for saying these are my hands and they are up because I can't go on anymore. 

I mean in boxing they get a towel so what makes you so invincible to show this theatre of pain and anger if you are struggling

You do not need to apologise either 

You have noone to answer to but yourself 

But please just allow it to happen and not to the point of crippling below the tomb of life's weight in which you carry around

Put it down before it gets like that

You are not letting anyone down

This is not a weakness

This is a strength 

A strength that we are all born with 

We were all born

In whatever circumstance

Whether wanted, planned, painful birth or easy. You might even have taken a life in your delivery but you made it

You made it here and you took that first breath alone

Although you were shown how to, or given lessons of learning how to do life, you still did it all by yourself 

Even those who have disabilities, they are still being 

They are still showing and displaying resilience and strength in all that they do

To trip up or fall, or even 'fail' is strength as it shows that you tried

And to try is to create strength 

Through our mind or our physical capabilities we all inherently have this brilliant spark inside of us

Some people give in to the dark 

Others shine brighter 

Stars shine bright 

Love yourself and be yourself and stand fcuking proud 

Fly high

Fly so high

Be that rainbow, be that inspiration 

Show others you can do it 

Never let someone give up on themselves

Never give up on yourselves

Be human

Be alive 

Keep breathing 

You got yourself here, so you can change the direction you are headed

You can change the minds thought from negative to positive 

You attract all that you are

You attract what you will become

So what's its going to be? 

New life vs Old existence

What happened to the life we used to live

It came and went like an overnight dream 

It's funny how complacent we all became with existence as it was 

Get up shit teeth eat chat teach eat chat sleep 

See people, go anywhere a passport to anywhere 

Monies in the bank 

Spend on new clothes, petrol, food drinks and holidays 

5 days a week in a classroom 

Students your audience 

Advice and wisdom 

Planning and marking 

Sometimes stress and sometimes not 

Late nights, training, phone calls, no time to return them, unread messages, looking at posts about food and nandos and nights out and heavy heads

Charity runs, new cars, new houses, new pets 

Glamour and riches 

Showing off

Busy and more busy

No time 

Disrupted sleep from loud cars driving too fast down roads with noone walking 

Just more cars and more traffic 

Asthma on the rise from the environment 

Germs and heart problems 

Death rate increases 

More buses more cost more trains less space 

People everywhere 

Like sardines in a tin

Pushed up against the unknown 

Germs clean people or not 

Try on clothes

Try before you buy

Who else did that

Who else been here 

Who else's hands? Clean? Washed?

Never stopped to think about it

Mortality is not something to forget 

Life is fragile 

Cars break people in their speeds

Their lifestyle dosing up the brains and filling mind with issues and adrenaline which then falls out into people 

Hate and fights and conflict 

It's all gone down the plug hole now though 

Life has changed 

Existence is different 

Nothing we can do 

Less cars 

No speeding 

Different reasoning for death 

Health first, luxuries take a sleep 

Luxury items change 

No longer a car, but a new plant 

No longer eating out but families cooking together 

All involved 

All walking 

All getting steps 

Money is now monitored 

Life is different 

For better or for worse?

Only time will see

Keep chin up

Embrace and change 

Be the best you, you can be 

Change is coming

When its all said and done

And the curtains are drawn and the new day is starting to reveal itself through the far away views across the hills

And the light is filtering in and the minutes count down the end of yet another 24 hours on this earth 

It is within the silence that our mind starts to travel

It starts to think over the has beens of this week or month 

But when something such as our current life happens, Covid19 to be exact floats in quietly 

Not enough people are awake to listen

And before we know it we are swamped with the unfortunate acts of this virus which is taking lives away at a rate of knots

We cannot contain it and we cannot control it and in life that is all we ever want

Think about arguments they are usually masked in some kind of control or authority 

Whether someone has too much or too little 

But that is usually the issue is it not?

Now we are faced with the actuality that life is not that strong 

In fact even after decades of reminders over plastic and the ozone layer and global warming even after the impact on the Antarctic only now are we really listening 

Only now is life less selfish and less egocentric 

Now we are in a environment where we can not move freely

We cannot do as we please or roam where we like 

We are stuck in one place with very little freedom 

We are restricted by rules set by our leaders

We are not thinking about silly issues at work or stupid rows with people

We are thinking about our health and our humanity 

We are thinking about family and how little we really do

How little we really contact 

How much we want to say

The fact that we are adults now with new lives and daily routine 

We are now pushed into a corner without any access

We are teaching from home

We are missing contact 

But for me, I am stuck with my favourite and that I am thankful for

I am thankful for having that in my life 

That even though its really hard right now, at least I am with the one person who truly understands my feelings and knows how to help me

Life would be so trivial 

Drives home stressed out by such little things really 

On the scale of life right now, these little things pale into insignificance

They are no longer important and there they should remain 

We need to believe that a brighter day is coming 

Like the moon did last night, it shone bright and strong 

One thing we are used to, is the power of the moon 

Luckily that has not changed 

But everything else has and should 

We cannot not go backwards 

We need to take all lessons from this pandemic 

Make a change and keep it 

Life is too short 

Health is vulnerable 

We are not as indestructible as we think we are

Pandemics are rare but are changing our way

Paving new roads

To new lives 

Also a personal reminder 

No longer should you look and seek validation from anybody other than yourself 

You are strong 

You are capable 

Own it 

Mum Arnii

From day one you just understood who I was

You knew my language

You would know when I needed a hug 

We were encompassed in a friendship that went deeper than blood

We would be able to really talk to each other and it make a difference 

You picked me up when I felt unable 

You'd be a guide in the dark

You would warn me even if I went ahead anyway 

You are someone who must have experienced enough to pass on your wisdom to us and others

You are a professional who has empowered people all your working life 

You were someone, as a child, that I wanted to be

I always wanted to make you laugh

I have always wanted to make you proud 

You are my Mum

You are my anchor to life

You helped me through the difficult times and came with me through the good

You have a great sense of humour

You have great dress sense

You love shoes and old school drama series

You love Bowie

And I love you

Happy birthday Mum

Be proud of all you have achieved and who I am, as a result of your guidance

Just four walls and boxes of unplayed cassettes

Go on grab me that box from over there

Have you ever seen these?

You won't be familiar at all

Probably won't have any way of playing them

Me and my sister used to record on them

We were quite techy for the time

Now though you don't even own 

You just stream

The filter dream 

The complicated obsessive compulsive reactions

No thinking 

Just yellow blobs of expression 

No real depth 

No real pain 

You know I can recall a time where we sent letters 

Not in the post always 

But in lesson

Hand written

Pens, paper, little conversations 

They were kept and treasured 

There was never problems with memory and deleting files

They were never taken out of context 

They were never shared and reshared and shown to a global world on some network of infinite WiFi 

I can recall a time where we would just chill out 

A blanket in the garden, a magazine about pop stars, or a sibling

We did chores the same, learnt to cook the same 

But it was all physical contact 

None of this social life over the Internet 

None of this social media existence 

We couldn't just delete a page 

We were in real time

It was remembered 

Getting drunk for the first time 

Talking about real feelings

Staying up all night in each others company 

Sitting with only the traffic as a background noise 

Films on videos 

Music on cassettes

Cds and dvds

Being out 

Social distancing for us is not a norm

It never was

Being stuck inside

It's not easy for our generation 

Well, as I said

These are cassettes 

They stored all we wanted

You couldn't press repeat

We lived in the real time