Hope

Sometimes its all we can believe in
Sometimes it's the only thing left on the shelf after everything else has been tried and has failed
You can't pray anymore and you can't put your heart through anymore battles
It's not even had the time to fully heal from the last time
You just have to have hope

The days fall on by and pass so fast as you age
The weeks roll on by without recognition sometimes
But you keep on lifting up your feet
Keep pushing on through
The ground below can get difficult
It can have rocks and cracks and sometimes you can take a fall
But even if you are crawling at least you are moving

Life is always a challenge with whatever life lessons you are dealing with
Whether it's looking for a career that makes you happy or a love that makes your heart soar or a place to call your own or a day where it doesn't rain or a life that you are leaving behind or a dream that you want to be real
Always have the hope in your heart
Always believe in yourself
Always trust in your choices and your chosen directions
Be brave in your path and believe that you will be all you wish to be

If you have hope, you have faith.
Fantasies can become reality

Old dirty towel

Maybe it has always been me
One of those faces that you want to punch
Rubbing people up the wrong way
Like a new cheap shoe
Not ever purposely irritating
Just misunderstood
I can't even tell you how it feels to be the one on the back foot
Always hiding myself incase I'm misinterpreted
Kind of makes you want to throw in the towel
The towels dirty now though and has been lying on the floor in the laundry room for years
Can't give up
Not in my nature
Just going to push through and hopefully get through
Watch me as I leave
I might do a runner

Together we conquer

Can barely stand the rain now
Previous experiences drained me of all my strength until there was nothing left
The days seemed so long it was like missing the evening or something
The light never sank
Only my heart in this cold hard existence
The battle felt over long before
But I was still stood up
Fists outstretched
Pain and determination in my stare
But inside I was broken
Beating my last breath as I covered my face to lessen the pain

This feeling is just ongoing and never ending sometimes
The days have turned to months with weeks being overlooked

Not a day goes by though where you aren't there next to me
You are always there waiting and watching
You take my hand and lead me away when the battle gets too fierce
You protect me
We protect each other but sometimes I find it too much to bare
I can barely stand up with out the room spinning
I can barely recollect our conversations because my mind is so preoccupied
But when my attention is on point we are perfect
We go together like the leaves in autumn
Nothing can blow us down
Nothing can conquer us because we conquered ourselves individually years before
We know who we are
We were both left broken against some street lamp and we found our way back home
We healed our hearts and in our own way were reborn
We did it before we knew each other
We have been doing that for years
Now we are together and we are stronger
We play for the same side
We have the same end goals
Life can be a boomerang but because of what we have been through we see the curve before it turns
We see the direction
We expect it
And with might and determination we catch it before it hits us

Nothing in the empty...but hold on

There's nothing left in this drawer anymore
It doesn't matter how many times I search for items it's just bare
I can't keep trailing this house looking for something I now can't even remember the face of
It just fills my head with cobwebs of reeled off words of mess that noone can even understand
It's like the language is foreign yet noone can speak it

I can't keep going down this road
The houses are falling apart and nobody leaves the lights on and even though I come here often I can barely see the wood from the trees and one day I'll just crash

I often see a crash happen in my minds eye
God doesn't know why the vision flies passed or why I remember it but for that split second I'm in a collision then bang I blink and its just a mindless thought

The trains are always packed full of people it's almost like a let's see how many people we can get into this small carriage today type of game
And even though most mornings I'm a second a way from missing the trains I make it just in time and slam my tired cold aching body next to another comatosed individual as we get flung sideways all the way into the city praying noone else will force us to actually hit personal space boundaries and people all stand swaying hoping they don't fall, loads of texts and social media just flashing in the faces of the silent people expressionless scrolling over and over the same old images that noone comments on or even understands why they are looking or care or anything
Then a student starts swearing words you could only dream of knowing at their age
I say dream of knowing with a stained sarcastic tinge to it as let's be honest when has swearing ever been classy?
For a pescatarian a lot of children discuss having beef these days
I do often worry for the future generations if this is the crap they discuss publicly on trains before 8am on a Monday morning at the grand old age of 12

Where was i
Can you tell I'm full to the brim can you feel the stressed out moans within the text of this fastly typed out speel that I can't keep inside my head tonight
No real end nor beginning just a Tuesday evening drawing to a close
People all over this country settling down for the night
Children in bed dreaming of there been and gone day excited for the next
Adults praying for the weekend or the next pay day and thinking its wet cold and dark, where is spring already?
Spring brings with it the hope and faith in the birds and the fluffy clouds blue skies stretched out over the view from our back bedrooms window
Tranquil times of flowers and flies coexisting in the environment
Warm sun across your face
Squinting as you drive down the same road which no longer needs the side lights or house lamps because now you can see where you are and where you want to be
The overgrown hedges have been tamed and trimmed and now resemble pride and family parties
The house is full of life and smiles and love drowns every corner of every newly painted room
You can only look back to faded out memories of the cold nights in the stripped back walls
Watching the rain fall through the curtains that barely block out the yellow tinged Street light that lights up the road in which you live
The dust and dust sheets will soon be gone and replaced with new fresh feelings and life

Hold on to the vibrant future that is not too far away now
Breathe it in deep and remain in control of this situation
All will be calm eventually
All with be smiles
The karaoke machine will soon hail out loud tuneful sounds that will bring laughter and cheer
You will lie here soon surrounded by your family and be looking back on this poem with a heavy heart to recall how bad you once may have felt..
It will all be white noise soon..

Station lines

As you sit on your seat on trains
You are often found staring out the wide windows absorbing the atmosphere
Absolutely still and yet moving at such speed
See the shadows in the tunnels and see the pictures and names strewn out all over the walls
Who were they, who are they what are they trying to tell us
The houses are flying passed us the walls closed and sealing in the lives inside
At night the lights are everywhere
You can sometimes if lucky look into the windows of houses
Do they know we look
Are they luring us in
Do they want us to see

Some lines are just blank
So black with laid out fields of new life
We are wrapped up in our heads
Playing out the sound track of our day that's been and gone
Another day
Another pound
Another train

Age

When you are younger no one ever tells you about this feeling
When you are growing up life is all about school and uniforms and packed lunches, running for a bus or getting a lift with your full time hours Mum, dropping us all in on her way to work.
Coming home for dinner before your Dad has even finished his day
Seeing him as you get ready for bed.
Weekends filled with films and playing in your rooms and homework and house chores.
Swings and Park walks
Pocket money and hobbies and guitar lessons and maths tuition
Time was timeless
Birthdays were special and your age was on the cake in lights that filled your heart full and heavy with excitement
Friends stayed over or bounced in castles in the garden.
Cake and games and sweets and belly ache
Love surrounded everything
You didn't want to go to bed and you could never get up
Breakfast laid out in the kitchen
Mug of tea and cereal
Packed lunch prepared and ready for the day of learning
Nothing at all to fear
Other than the nightmares that stalked my nights some times due to past experiences returning in the darkness and the shadows
Christmas day was always special and magical
Excited so much I would shake
I couldn't contain my joy
Family all around
Best clothes laid out to see grandparents and aunties and uncles
New tights and shoes
Gloves and coats
Duffel coats - my favourite
Age was an exciting experience
Every year counting up by the years, months and weeks
Wanting to get older and older
Now in my thirties, age is ageless
I no longer feel in sync
Life has carried on ticking by, faster than it ever did
The mirror has changed
Gotten older, the spark is there but sometimes seems hidden
Got to look a little harder some days

Grief and rounds

Should we make a promise
Should we make it real
Let us stand around this pole and act like it's something
Start chanting their name
Or crying at will
Just make it all a craze
Don't stop the train for them
For they never wanted to leave
Don't say its our stop now
Too much has happened
We can't go backwards
We can't erase the pictures
Take them away like they never existed
Bleach them
Remove the colours
Take out the outline
Smudge it all out
Remove the smiles
Turn them into frowns if you want to
Take away the scenery
Cover it up with coal
With soot and sleet
Nothing exists anymore
The cold cuts deep these days
The cold wades in before you've even taken a breath
You can't cover up enough
No clothing will do
We are all just walking around with shivers
They are covering our every move
We can't cope anymore
We don't want to
Don't ever say you will
Just say you'll try
Do all you can to be there but never swear it
Never use a person's name in vain or oath
Not unless you solemnly swear
And by that we mean all of you
All of your nerves
All of your being
All that you are
All that you dream to be
Every morsel
Everything
Souls will combine
We will all clash one day
Like a huge pile up
A huge pile up of smiles and laughter
The rooms will be flooded with joy
You won't ever make it to the bar to buy a round
But a drink will be waiting
I promise you that
This is a cheers to the future and to that after life