Menopausal life

Is there any wonder
People can't cope
Life can be utterly vile at times
It's like life is on the menopause
Stroppy and rude
Taking lives likes its nothing
Stealing the happy from below you
Pulling you down with a crash
Dragging you to a level out of reach

Death again
Its like the weather isn't it
Ooh its cold today or ooh someone else is dead
Fed up
Hate the humdrum
Accidental bullshit
Never a blame
Imagine
Oh sorry family for your loss
Someone left the door unlocked
Everything was stolen
But it's not our fault
It's yours, you shouldn't have put valuables in here
Your fault
You helpless human
Shit happens

Well
I don't like the menopause of life
It's a drag
I am not a fan
I'm telling you to stop
Meditate or read
But don't take anymore
Mood or no mood

Catch my thoughts

Sometimes I am knocked down from it
I can barely breath because of it
It hurts to even relax my chest and ribs
I feel the feeling come over me and I have to wait it out
its like a cramp that gets you in the middle of a night
snatches your sleep without permission
drags you back straight into the moment
covers you with it
drowns you in it
you hate it
you cant shut your eyes fast enough
but when you do its right in front of you
you cant tell anyone
for they would only judge you
you can't ignore it because it has a habit of creeping up on you
you just have to ride it out
you know like they say
a wave
ride it out
let it crash down on you
push you to your limits

the tears fell for it last night
I couldn't even breathe
I couldn't say what I was seeing
I couldn't do that
this was my fault
my choice
my decision
my action
my pain
my drama
my worries
I cant burden them
they don't deserve this
they look at it sometimes
I catch their eye
they look down
the hurt and pain in their eyes
their disappointment
their grief
I feel it
it follows them too
it hits them too
it takes them by surprise on their way to work one morning
or on a lunch hour
or during an advert
the harsh reality of my actions
of my pain
of my fear
shapes
left with shapes

I've not written to upset
just to write it out
conscience is clear
mind is often muddled
but I am far better
far higher
far safer than ever
and I do believe that this too will pass
in time
for life is quick
but I need to give it more time

At peace

Tell me something
What happens
Where do they go
Do you even know
No didn't think so
Not very helpful
But I often wonder and hope

I hope that we fall asleep like normal
Not even a care or worry
Just drift off thinking about the day we've had and the day ahead
Whether we'll put on the washing, what we'll cook for dinner you know

We all arrive at a place of rest
We walk in heavy in our hearts
Tears down our faces
Noone really knows how to feel
Other than grief, overwhelming grief
Grief and loss
Loss that is so strong it feels at times like we can't take a breath in
But we do
We all do
We all walk in as strong as we can and we all gather together
Like a force of love and grief
We listen to the words that are read out and we start to remember the times we shared together
The things we would speak about on those few times we had alone
The words of wisdom passed down to us like a family airloom
A treasure to keep and only share with our own thoughts
The quiet memories just for us
We sing the hymns they'd like to hear, and sing themselves
Our hearts roar and our voices hit notes higher than we ever could before
We are singing with our feelings
With our grief
We are pushing the hurt higher and up and out of the building we are in

God is discussed
We are told he will look after them
But to me
What I think is this:
I believe in the sky there's a world
A world full just like this one we are in now
I believe the world is mirrored above and just like when we sleep we enter this realm
the realm is normal
We aren't met with spirits but with people
Family lost before us, friends everything
We don't know we are dead but just that we aren't in the living world
Just a long extended dream
I know when I dream well I can see them
Speak to them even
I can day dream and ask for advice
When good things happen I can show them the memory through my mind
I can share it all
I'm not alone
Neither are they
They are just painless
Back to their best
And eventually after time
So will we be
Back to our fittest
The grief will pass
The tears will fall less
And all that will remain are our secret treasures
Airlooms of memories
Filling our mind
On their birthday we will toast them
At christmas we will think of them
And for the rest of our life we will carry them with us
Until the day we fall asleep
Deep and comfortable
Rested and pain-free
That is what I believe
Not religious
Not superstitious
Just a child once
Who lost my Taid and Nanny
And I believed this then
And I still do now
And forever

Don't you worry

Where do we start?
Take away the masks and unveil your inner soul
Make sure the spotlight covers all of you
That everyone has stopped talking and there phones are in their bags
That all their attention is on you
Then start

Take a deep breath and remember it's ok
This won't be filmed

Where do I start?
Is there even a beginning?
To me there only appears to be an incident followed by the backlash of horror shock and emotion
An incident that stands the hairs of my neck
An incident that brings with it pain and angst
Have you ever had that?
The audience are transfixed
They daren't utter a word
Back to me
The spotlight is warming
It makes me feel like I'm lying on the beach in the south of France
It makes me feel safe and warm
Without warning tears are rolling down my cheeks
I can't contemplate my own actions
It all feels fake
Like someone has made it up
If only

Back to it

Where do I start?
Is it depression? Am I alone?
I feel so warm with the love surrounding me surely, I could never be
No I'm not
I know that much

Onwards though I say
How does this affect me now and my future
It has shaken me up
Like a bottle of glitter
Jagged edges but pretty
Always pretty and youthful
Decoration to the plain walls of life
Necessary to make jokes
Cheer people up on downward spirals
Be there for all
Including myself
Especially myself
Proud but not too proud to admit defeat
Defeat, after all is only a lesson
And we spent long enough in school having those
Didn't do us any harm
In fact it paved our future
Made us who we are today
With intelligence
Intelligent enough to never do such nonsense again
Silly billy
Who is billy anyway.. poor billy, he can't always be silly
Raise a glass and remind yourself of achievement
Raise a glass to life and all it inhibits
All it has given me
Slightly hurt but able to stand back up and  continue
Slightly different path this time
Less stress
Less upset
More life and living

Family Affair

Who tells you anyway
I mean surely all your choices are your own
Noone can tell you anything
Surely
Life is our own decision
Our own path
Our own destiny
Surely existence is based on preference and choice and decisions
Why would you say any different
Why would you tell someone your own thoughts
Push that onto a person
Drown them in your opinion
Strangle them with thoughts and ideas and shit
Why
To make out you know better
To make out you are better
On the hierarchy of life
Fcukin better
Educated higher
Have more knowledge
Fcuk you
Fcuk you all
You aren't God
Whoever that is
You aren't important
You've just had more years alive
So you think you might know more
But do you actually understand some bodies fears
Somebody's loss
Somebody's experience
No
No
No
You go for a coffee
You chat the waves
You say what you think
Then leave it
All of our choices are our own
All of our direction is our own
Please allow it
Even if it's hard
Even if it's scary
Allow it
Trust
Trust in life
And trust in people
Yes we fear for siblings and people in our lives
We may even sit up at night awake in bed thinking more
But we can't impose
We can't divulge
Tell your better half
Tell your diary
Keep some thoughts for your selves
Be mindful and careful
Things will work out
Life will be good
Trust in the good

Autumn bliss

Kicking the leaves across the street
Hustle and bustle of adult life surrounds me
I look down at my feet as they step one by one and have flashback feelings
I remember being younger and kicking the leaves this time of year
Picking up mountains of brown autumn leaves that have fallen and throwing them up above my head
The sheer joy in my eyes and my smile lit up in the autumn sun
My duffel coat keeping the brisk wind out
My gloves getting leaves stuck to them
That string that kept them attached through my arms
I have always loved autumn
It used to excite me as I knew Christmas was next
The darker nights and dark mornings
The fresh morning dew in the fields
The smell of change
The understanding of the four seasons
Seeing this one make the most change to the surroundings
All that has lived has fallen down
Now under my feet with a crunch

The colours are beautiful and always have been
The countryside looks covered in life
Different shades and different types
But all now laying low for this season
I still kick the leaves
I still look out for conkers
I see the squirrels amongst the trees up high
So much in life changes
Your face your feelings your thoughts mature with your age
But it's so nice to know that some precious childhood memories will always follow me
Along with my footsteps
One after the other walking into my future
With this season bringing the comfort of its consistency
It's reliable smell and colours
Thank you seasons
It's a beautiful moment
When you realise that age is just your number
It doesn't stop you remembering
Autumn is always beautiful
Bring on the fireworks...

A moment of clarity for N

Closer and closer
We fall into line and we look forward awaiting instruction
Nobody could tell you about how it could be
It is an unspoken and it is unruly and in that, addictive
You stand there baring all, but you aren't scared
Nothing can hurt you anymore
Life threw enough at you and you feel ready for what might be next
The lieutenant is now walking towards you all
You can't see their face
They stop almost touching your arm before they shout out numbers
You don't even flinch
You are so ready for this
All your life had led to this moment and you are not worried
There is no anxiety left
Your youth drained you of fear and nerves and left only your resilience and fight behind
You know it could be a long time before you see your loved ones but you are ready
For you have waited so long
It must feel so exciting to have finally succeeded.
We had waved you off weeks before and we now watch as post falls to the floor for the letters
We await updates and news and phonecall slots
We are your family
We will support you eternally
I will support you brother..
In whatever you choose to endeavour
I trust in your choices
And I love your determination