Don't you worry

Where do we start?
Take away the masks and unveil your inner soul
Make sure the spotlight covers all of you
That everyone has stopped talking and there phones are in their bags
That all their attention is on you
Then start

Take a deep breath and remember it's ok
This won't be filmed

Where do I start?
Is there even a beginning?
To me there only appears to be an incident followed by the backlash of horror shock and emotion
An incident that stands the hairs of my neck
An incident that brings with it pain and angst
Have you ever had that?
The audience are transfixed
They daren't utter a word
Back to me
The spotlight is warming
It makes me feel like I'm lying on the beach in the south of France
It makes me feel safe and warm
Without warning tears are rolling down my cheeks
I can't contemplate my own actions
It all feels fake
Like someone has made it up
If only

Back to it

Where do I start?
Is it depression? Am I alone?
I feel so warm with the love surrounding me surely, I could never be
No I'm not
I know that much

Onwards though I say
How does this affect me now and my future
It has shaken me up
Like a bottle of glitter
Jagged edges but pretty
Always pretty and youthful
Decoration to the plain walls of life
Necessary to make jokes
Cheer people up on downward spirals
Be there for all
Including myself
Especially myself
Proud but not too proud to admit defeat
Defeat, after all is only a lesson
And we spent long enough in school having those
Didn't do us any harm
In fact it paved our future
Made us who we are today
With intelligence
Intelligent enough to never do such nonsense again
Silly billy
Who is billy anyway.. poor billy, he can't always be silly
Raise a glass and remind yourself of achievement
Raise a glass to life and all it inhibits
All it has given me
Slightly hurt but able to stand back up and  continue
Slightly different path this time
Less stress
Less upset
More life and living

Family Affair

Who tells you anyway
I mean surely all your choices are your own
Noone can tell you anything
Surely
Life is our own decision
Our own path
Our own destiny
Surely existence is based on preference and choice and decisions
Why would you say any different
Why would you tell someone your own thoughts
Push that onto a person
Drown them in your opinion
Strangle them with thoughts and ideas and shit
Why
To make out you know better
To make out you are better
On the hierarchy of life
Fcukin better
Educated higher
Have more knowledge
Fcuk you
Fcuk you all
You aren't God
Whoever that is
You aren't important
You've just had more years alive
So you think you might know more
But do you actually understand some bodies fears
Somebody's loss
Somebody's experience
No
No
No
You go for a coffee
You chat the waves
You say what you think
Then leave it
All of our choices are our own
All of our direction is our own
Please allow it
Even if it's hard
Even if it's scary
Allow it
Trust
Trust in life
And trust in people
Yes we fear for siblings and people in our lives
We may even sit up at night awake in bed thinking more
But we can't impose
We can't divulge
Tell your better half
Tell your diary
Keep some thoughts for your selves
Be mindful and careful
Things will work out
Life will be good
Trust in the good

Autumn bliss

Kicking the leaves across the street
Hustle and bustle of adult life surrounds me
I look down at my feet as they step one by one and have flashback feelings
I remember being younger and kicking the leaves this time of year
Picking up mountains of brown autumn leaves that have fallen and throwing them up above my head
The sheer joy in my eyes and my smile lit up in the autumn sun
My duffel coat keeping the brisk wind out
My gloves getting leaves stuck to them
That string that kept them attached through my arms
I have always loved autumn
It used to excite me as I knew Christmas was next
The darker nights and dark mornings
The fresh morning dew in the fields
The smell of change
The understanding of the four seasons
Seeing this one make the most change to the surroundings
All that has lived has fallen down
Now under my feet with a crunch

The colours are beautiful and always have been
The countryside looks covered in life
Different shades and different types
But all now laying low for this season
I still kick the leaves
I still look out for conkers
I see the squirrels amongst the trees up high
So much in life changes
Your face your feelings your thoughts mature with your age
But it's so nice to know that some precious childhood memories will always follow me
Along with my footsteps
One after the other walking into my future
With this season bringing the comfort of its consistency
It's reliable smell and colours
Thank you seasons
It's a beautiful moment
When you realise that age is just your number
It doesn't stop you remembering
Autumn is always beautiful
Bring on the fireworks...

A moment of clarity for N

Closer and closer
We fall into line and we look forward awaiting instruction
Nobody could tell you about how it could be
It is an unspoken and it is unruly and in that, addictive
You stand there baring all, but you aren't scared
Nothing can hurt you anymore
Life threw enough at you and you feel ready for what might be next
The lieutenant is now walking towards you all
You can't see their face
They stop almost touching your arm before they shout out numbers
You don't even flinch
You are so ready for this
All your life had led to this moment and you are not worried
There is no anxiety left
Your youth drained you of fear and nerves and left only your resilience and fight behind
You know it could be a long time before you see your loved ones but you are ready
For you have waited so long
It must feel so exciting to have finally succeeded.
We had waved you off weeks before and we now watch as post falls to the floor for the letters
We await updates and news and phonecall slots
We are your family
We will support you eternally
I will support you brother..
In whatever you choose to endeavour
I trust in your choices
And I love your determination

Personal expectations

When have I tried enough
When have I pushed myself to my own limit
When is enough, actually enough?
Who are we here, trying to impress and when is the time up
There are several types of people in this life of which, I have crossed paths with
Those that aim for nothing
Those that are satisfied and wake each day smiling and happy
Those which spend their whole life pushing and improving themselves
Never getting tired, always learning, always pushing
Breaking bones
Pushing spines against their abilities
Scaring people they know
Not sleeping, never accepting defeat
Never doing enough
Pushing targets higher than they had ever been before
Promotions and applause
Appraisals always smiling
Through description, you can probably guess which one I am
Which role and person I have grown confortable with
Yes
I do feel now older, that maybe I should become more accepting of my own abilities
and actually praise myself
Holding out for that day

My Faith is in the Stars

What will become of the people
When you sit and watch them from a distance
As you watch, they think they are alone
You see the look in their eyes
The pain in their souls
They look tired
but the word tired has never meant enough
When I watch, they start to talk to themselves
They seem frustrated by the day
by the week
by their existence
They seem to be crying out for help in their silence
They look so lost in this crowded world
They look worried
They look concerned for the future

I keep wanting to show my head
Give my cover up, show them I'm there
I want to tell them that they will be OK
That they have so many people around them
That they will never be alone

But they are proud people
they are traditional
They do not look for assistance
They do not take help
If you offer they will snap
If your arm reaches out, then they will bite

I watch in a helpless state before I can not let my eyes see anymore
I store it in my mind for a quiet time
I do not wish to divulge anymore
For I know what I see
I trust my eyes, for they can see more than I will ever see
They see it first, then drip feed enough to me


I put my soul into the hands of destiny
I put my faith in the stars
I wish at night for all the happiness
for all these people I see with the pain
I hope the day comes where tears aren't spilled
I hope that in time they move on
That they recover
That they smile
That they relax
That they become the person I know them to be
In time
All we have is time
All we can give is patience
It has been a long wait
but I am not done yet

Hindsight who?

Not alot can be said about getting older
Until hindsight rears it's head
For when you are younger you have no real reality on what's going on
Not really
You understand that you are in school for 5 days and off for 2
You know you have to get up early and grab a bus
You know that your mum and dad work but you don't really know what they do
You sit in lessons where sometimes you haven't got a clue
You have friends and enemies and they take over your thoughts
You watch television and get lost in fantasy people
You idolise singers and learn all their songs
You collect the latest trends
You demand pocket money
You do house chores for more
You want a job at 13
You start saving up for magazines
You think celebrities are the gods
You become hormonal
You start having serious feelings and you think you are the only one
You want to move out
You hate your parents
Now you love them
You row with siblings
You become competitive
You have no real understanding on how important education is
You wish you'd listened more
You wish you'd tried harder
You wish the feelings you had for someone hadn't affected your grades so much
You wish you wish
You coulda shoulda woulda
If only you knew what you know now, you vow you'd have done better
You tell everyone you didn't try hard enough, that life was messy
That growing up gay was hard
But you didn't mutter
You didn't tell a soul
You would just stutter when your crush was near
You agonised over it
You buried it but it appeared the second you blinked
Like hiya it's me, your sexuality
Oh if only you knew what you know now, then
Oh what a life eh
Not a lot can be said about getting older
Now 30 and still feeling 20
Responsibilities have grown
But life is still fun
Still exciting
I'm still growing
At 50 I'll look back
Hindsight will rear it's ugly head and be like oh what if you'd done better bla bla
Truth is
I did what I did
I do what I do
I make it up with no real understanding of not being here one day
I know it happens
But I'm too busy living
Hindsight is a wasted emotion and thought
Because you did it your way
Reacted to life at that moment
Not thought about it, paused time planned out different outcomes then chose
No life is like that
Only in films
Anyways rant over
Just a moment of sharing
And a quick F U to Hindsight
Ta ra xx