Busy

Caught the last train home
The night had arrived quicker than normal
The hustle and bustle of conversations had me lost
So much life surrounded me
I sat huddled up in my coat thinking of my day
Same old moments played over and over
I should of been clearer with it all
I could of prevented so much
The train doesn't stop as much at this time of night
Yet it still appeared to be full
I only had three more stops to go
I couldn't fight my need for sleep
My eyes were heavy
I was asleep before I could finish the......

Your steps

Walk to my door
Let yourself in
I am expecting you
You are late
We always knew
We knew it all
You were so terrified
So scared
It was hard to watch
We wish we could of intervened
But unfortunately it is one of those things
We can't tell you
All your life is your own
We all have our ideals and expectations but life can come around and slam those
We are fine
Your life will be soo happy
You have finally found it
Your destiny can be drawn
Clearly scripted
Clearly defined
Clearly love

Illustrated abstract

Riddled in self loathing
Can't seem to wash off the stains
Struggling to breathe in this world full of filth
Looking for excuses to climb from this well
The well I had made too many a wish
Grabbing all I can get and running with tears streaming down my face
My hair is knotty and dirty
My face is weathered and exhausted
My feet want to move on, sick of carrying this shit load around
Nails dug deep in mud
From the times i fell down
Drunken or wasted from narcotics
I draw a picture to explain my thoughts
Its all black
Circles and smudge
Just a large smudge
My life is soo drained
Oh to be someone else
Vivid dreams make me lose my step
Broken shoes
Cut knees
Blood trickling
No light at the end of this tunnel

Never have I ever

Never have I ever
That's the game we should play
I'll tell you a secret if you promise to make my day
I'll try and be honest and tell you how i feel
Ill wear my heart on my sleeve
Well I'll try to at least.

I will describe my day at work and how i wish i came home to a familiar face
How sitting alone can get tiresome
And that living alone is a battle
That I'm stuck in this rut and i can't find the light
And I'm fighting my fears and trying to do right
That I'm craving love and to be loved in return
That my life seems so lifeless and I can't see the turn
I cant see the way off of this beaten old track and I'm so scared of losing all I want back
That i push anyone away who could possibly change all this and that
And that some days i wish i could just dream it back
I fight with my feelings i fight with my fears i fight with my smiles i fight with my tears
I wish it and hate it and want it and need it
I told you I'd be honest
And the weight lost is a relief
I cant keep on lying and burying deep
All that i yearn for all that i weep
I just want my happy ever after
To be real and to fill my heart with love and laughter.

The Door is Ajar

You didn't see me leave this time
too busy in your own life to notice
i left the door ajar in case you followed me out
but I also thought be silent, don't draw attention

I hadn't the words any more to argue with you
and I didn't want to make you want to stay with me
I felt this was your doing
and you should already feel this way

I was wrong though as I can be
not a perfect anything any more
i just wanted the time to pass quickly
as with it, id heal even more

Onwards and upwards
quickly I run off
into the night I lose myself
lose you
lose us
find me
there I am, ready and willing to try again
life continues
so should we

Maybe, it was you

Maybe it was you
you could have been the cause of this
maybe you are the reason I am like this
they say everything comes from something
maybe in this case, you are the something that caused the problems

I don't want to say I am completely blameless
but I have never intentionally lied
I have been the way I knew how until that way hurt too much
and now I am this way, and cant help but think that is your fault

I know that life is not meant to be easy
life can be the one thing we obsess over and the one thing we wish we could improve
just the catapult of frustration slamming hard into walls 24/7
with no loop hole
no cheat to the next level
just this continuous spin on a gravity pulled sphere
existing in some black cloud of space
praying for the peace inside for so long
i have forgotten how to talk

like the first love always was, life is confusing
you are not sure whether you are coming or going
and I think that when you solve that conundrum........ bang,your time here is over
no time to fix the before or the present you are just an after
and in after, I mean life
a grief, a thought in someone's day as they also stroll about their day trying to solve this life
and in turn this is just a repetitive notion one in which, no one ever wins, no one ever solves
we just continue spiralling into the peaks and troughs of our existences

not knowing whether we are coming or going
arriving or leaving
loving or hating
just surviving
waking up angry, waking up sad and waking up all moods in the middle
fighting with our minds and our hearts and our feelings and our fears
missing all those things we had but fucked up
all those rows we paint over as we replay our pasts
everything was apparently so rosy, so utterly perfect we sit in denial wondering why the room is so empty
why isn't it filled with joy and laughter and love and families
nope just the pitter patter of our fantasies onto act 700 still creating the impossible

maybe it was you
maybe I feel this way because you treated me that way
you taught me to be this way
to loathe and fear and worry and lose control of our dreams
to wake up completely drained from the overplayed times of our lives
one day there will be nothing to play
it will be so blurred out we will have forgotten the reasoning and the people and the point
one day we will have ran out of time
the day will have dawned and the night will have left us with nothing more than an empty feeling
all this over analysing and typing and obsessing when life continued on outside

the day drew to a close, the clock lost us another hour
we spent even more time rushing around without a clue
and more time watching screens
and more time sitting in and thinking
maybe it was you, I think you made me this way
and now I am trying to undo the damage
thank you

Bullying Bullies Everything (edit)

It wasn't like this when I was younger
We didn't play like that
We didn't spend all our time in our rooms typing and tapping at screens
Headphones on
Music blaring
Swear words bouncing round our heads
Aggression building
Hating
Posting comments that hurt
Hurting
Just becoming this presence in social media
Destroying people's confidence
Rating people
Making people small
They didn't know how deep it got
They didn't realise the repercussions
They just spat out vile and logged out not another thought

Nowhere to hide from it all
Waking every day to the same old drama
Wishing that the pain would go away
Realising life would never change
Scared of school and college and work 
And logging in or logging out 
Even been seen out on a walk
Lock yourself up, hide it all
Cry quietly, let no one know
Hear their words bounce round your head 
Let them win, there is no other way

When they became damaged
They became hurt
They cried out in nightmares
They began to drown
They became detached
Started writing dark thoughts
Stopped eating
Started drinking
Started drugs
Became lonely
Withdrawn
skipped school
Never opened up

One day a call
An announcement in assembly
A news story
A letter
A lost soul
Another life wasted
Ruined and destroyed
A family in shock and despair
Another life taken
Bullying
Let's make it stop