Infinite possibilities

And when we understand the mission, when we understand the time and when we understand peace and when life tells us exactly what is here and what we need, and when we open our arms and open our heart to the possibilities that we too can be happy in a world that tries its best to prevent that. 
When we realise that our lives are more than the sum of its parts, and that although our bodies may one day sit back down, and struggle to get back up, our souls will live a lifetime. A lifetime is not one single life. 
It is not singular. It is infinite. 
What I believe, I can't tell you has ever been taught to me, but is just in me. 
I see it, and I wait for a time that it surely will show itself. In a world that's always been important, nurturing, and kind. And even though some of us do struggle and some of us do find dark days, and struggle to get from out of that cloud and struggle to heal, just know that, that will pass. One step at a time. 

Life is to be lived. Life is to be endured. Life is to be suffered. 
Life is to be nurtured, experience, wisdom, lesson. These are all things, all things that we take for granted. Illness and disease. 
Now, that comes along and that can change everything. Or it can change nothing. It can create a new opportunity or it can end that life. 
We can choose. It's always been a choice. Life has always been a choice. 
We all know how it ends. We all know how to stop it. We all know how to prevent life from continuing. 
We all know this. We always have had. We know what's to fear. 
We know what's a warning. We know what drama can be caused. We know what pain can be suffered. 
We know danger. We choose. We choose the people, we choose the place, we choose the job, we choose the life. 
We choose the friendships, we choose the enemies, we choose it all. We choose the clothes, we choose the aesthetic, everything, everything. And if you think you don't, you're mistaken. 
If you think it is written for you, you're mistaken. Nothing is written. Everything's to play for. 
There's not a path that has been etched out. There's infinite pathways, infinite options, infinite endings, infinite, infinite Never forget that

Consumerism is the mirror image of the happy and unhappy

Woke up feeling quieter mentally

But with the odd thought jetting passed

The what ifs and the somewhat sullen reality of the quiet life I live 

Not upset it’s reality nor am I ecstatic that it is

Feels a lot like external judgements that prey on my solitude

I didn’t want this 

I always wanted another, so I thought 

To be in love with another and life to be content 

But maybe in life that’s the problem

We all aspire for the things we don’t have and things we don’t need

We consume the unimportance

We consume realities drenched in fake faux fur

Ripped from the lives of others 

Leaving behind the scarring and the pain 

Walking away without a second thought or feeling for the lives trampled on 

Positively inhumane treatment of the bourgeoisie dictatorship

Not a soul survives the wrath of squeezing every last mouthful of greed out of life 

What about ME

And then there's a moment and a moment seems to last for a lifetime because it is. It's the present moment, it just like these words, I think before it, nothing after it. The happening live as I type them
Clarity , not chaos to be in a position where clarity is all I have, all I need, all I want no drama, no uncertainty, no waiting on anybody just me 
I get up. I do what I want and then I go to bed. Then repeat, no explanation, no interpretation, no analysis, no feeling like I'm in the wrong or I wanna do wrong no second guessing people's opinions, people's thoughts not having to convince, not having to ask, not having to request, just simply being, and  doing what I want  my career is different obviously, but I chose to do that. I chose to study for it. I chose to put the work into it. I choose to be there What can be painful however during this present is that you often come across someone else someone who you have an attachment or a connection that you can't quite understand, but makes complete sense. You'll find yourself in that moment questioning how? How am I here now, in front of you that's the game you see, how can you be there if you're in the moment, how are you questioning it? If you're in the moment, how are you thinking about it by just being in the moment? It’s a very powerful thingSee, where I see things going now as I sit here on this bank holiday Monday is that if I'm to be fully in the moment, the thoughts, the tribulations, the concerns, the panic, the worry, the anxiety, the fear, they can't be there too, for they would need to be attached to something else, maybe something that's been before, maybe something that might be in the future. But if I'm in the present, how am I thinking these things? If I'm in the present, how am I even aware? See what's interesting is even though maybe that particular connection ended sooner than I'd anticipated that small insight has been quite catastrophic to the way in which I have designed my thinking to be and what I mean by that is they reminded me that by being present that by being in that moment blocks anything else out, so the fear, the worry, the concern, the treatment, the history none of that matters because it's clearly and quite obviously not the present. It's the past and the past doesn't exist anymore,It's just a memory
I wake up this morning with out much thought of what would come next however, I did have hopes. I did have dreams. I had a positive mindsetSince waking up there has been a change in direction with certain connections, which has left me feeling quite distant to my presence. I found myself on a path that I've often trawled through questioning my worth questioning my value, you know effectively asking why am I not enough? Why did they not want me? Why did they not want to pursue this? What is wrong with me?Sitting in a room, in a house, like this was all for them and that's when it dawned on me as I nearly made mistakes that I've made before as I nearly went backwards as I nearly messaged people that never ever deserved my presence. 
&& I thought to myself they may be gone, they may have pulled away but with that they left me with a lesson. There's a lesson in the experience, a lesson in just this that it's okay It's a memory now anyway, it's OK not everyone's with someone. It's OK. You haven't done all this for someone new to come along and take it from you and to take from it and to take with it all you have made and to gain from you, you've done all this for you. You sat and did all this yesterday for you. You chose to sit there and you chose to run through things that you have not read or seen in probably two decades You were very much in the present. You hadn't thought about the past. You hadn't thought about the memories. You were just in the moment That's a powerful place to be, decisions, choices, thoughts, that will for you to choose, all for you, to choose and sit on your laurels. Don't sit in that headspace of why not me like you did over two years ago, maybe longer, why me to now why not me?But, it should be what about me? not about them, not about blending, not about adjusting, what about me? not why me? or why not me? what about me!?

Not many times

Today it dawned on me that it would be another year down 

But also that last year my life was so messy I couldn’t make out a single thing 

My life seemed to have just hit a wall

Like I often did in video games

I didn’t know the controls

I’d lost the control

I was in a place of melancholy 

Life was so dampened I barely felt anything 

I was drugged up and sick and trying to heal

I couldn’t ever imagine this would be my path 

Not as a child waiting in the corridor of a building for a lesson to start

Excited to have a video in class

Sat watching the original Romeo and Juliet on a tv screen as I sat on a table at the back of classroom

Understanding the inner works of stunning literature written at a time in history I could only dream of 

Fancying the characters and wanting the feelings they had

We now look at the now 

The places I’ve been I could never give enough explanation 

The places I’ve been have been surreal

I can see my chemo sessions but it was almost like I’d detached so much it was happening to someone else

But how does my life look now

What is my first awaking moment 

It is waking up to an alarm 

An alarm alerting me to my working week 

In a role I absolutely adore

I can’t explain my passion for my role

But in life everything I’ve ever done I give my all to

No one ever told me to

It was never a training 

It was not a birds and bees it was innate

I look at the room I am in 

All my own and all my own creation 

It is all there because I put it there

I’m content 

My health is better

The disease was cut out of my body and disposed of 

It has gone 

It came to remind me of my own reality

But with that

My mortality was in the sunlight 

It was blinding and it was scary

I’m now approaching another year

Another year of my life and existence

And yes it can be daunting

I no longer have shadows taking the sunlight away from life

But I have myself

Sat alone yes

But in the sunlight 

Sat in the driving seat

Sat in control of my own destiny

Living as much as I can in the future

No longer fighting for the right 

But giving myself the right 

Like a permission 

It is mine for the taking 

Mine for the rest of my life

It was a battle

But not with the treatment 

With myself

And I am here and living 

I am more me than I’ve ever felt 

And even though it can be hard to put my big girl pants on 

I do

I wear what I want

I open my door

I step out

I don’t ask for help or validation 

I own it

I am me

I was always me 

But I was scared

I was conditioned 

I was imprisoned

Now I have realised how free I am 

The life feels authentic

It is authentic

It is me