The fear

The fear
it followed me home the weekend
it crept into my bag, and I hadn't even noticed
It's funny cause in a weird way I was missing it
Missed the cloud that followed my every smile
Reduced me to tears like a drop of a hat


The fear
it let itself into my bedroom on the weekend
it snuck in next to me and I had no clue
it felt cold, so I turned up my heating
got under the duvet
had the TV blasting pictures and noise at me
then it started


The fear
it got inside my head
it twisted all my thoughts
it took the smiles and replaced them with panic
it took the happy memories and replaced them with the pain
the pain that always wins
the alcohol only fed the fear more
the fear was so strong now, it was controlling my breathing
it had hold of my heart and it squeezed the life out of it
it had hold of my brain and it re tuned it to the past
to her, to others and played it over and over
the fear was so strong now
the tears fell for hours
the tears hurt my throat they were so thick with pain and emotion
the tears exhausted me 
the tears made me call her
the fear had won a battle I had won last year
the fear sunk off into the dream land I had entered


The sun shone through my curtains
the fear had left my flat and left me to clear up the tornado it had left behind
the cleaned up mind and head was a trashed up heap on the floor
the eyes were swollen 
the head was hazy 
the fear had come in and fucked it
and left me to clear it all 


Unfortunately tonight I realised that is what it was
and because of this thought and this entry I am able to weaken the fear once more


Not any more, I am happy 
you know, Friday left me flying with butterflies 
you know, he made me laugh and smile harder than I have in awhile
fear, you can just do one
fear you can fcuk right off..... I am sick of your games!




Night x