Passing time

I could never ever really tell you the truth 

Not really 

I wanted to but my needs were far below yours 

Hidden under piles of rows and gaslit evenings where I started to lose my reflection 

I would sit in my room and think tonight I will say it but the moment would only roll on by me 

Like the time passing so slowly

I could never grab it and it was always a moment gone 

We met at a time I was becoming 

I was becoming me and it was scary

My past links were present and my confidence had grown 

My clothes were my choice as was my music 

My flat was rented but it was all me 

All mine and all as I had wished and dreamt it to be 

The one before had no front door so this was steps above 

Find the stump

Find the root cause of all this insomnia and pain 

Waking from drained feeling and emotion to start the new day

Emotionally exhausted before I ever start

All you 

All us 

Some true and some not 

Patching over the cracks we had made over and over

Not really sure why 

No regrets just time gone by 

No replay 

No way back 

You can’t change anything 

What’s funny is when I’ve sat in the feeling and searched for the meaning 

I have been met with reality 

Never been on a pedastal for anyone 

Never been someone’s obsession 

Never felt that special 

I half believed it once but I was mistaken 

When given time to really show it they were gone so fast 

The door didn’t even shut 

It’s my way 

It’s how i do life 

But now the blurred image in the mirror is getting easier to see

I see my deep look in those eyes and finally see me 

I want to do life my way and live life properly

I want to meet people who compliment me 

Who mean what they do and mean what they say

I want to have conversations that flow without being on a timer

I want to offload my day without fear of being ignored

I want someone to see my ASD as endearing and ok 

I want to be free to be me and for them to be there as part of my army

The army there to protect and let no one harm me 

To be my cheerleader when I lack confidence

Or to pick me up when I fall 

To know I have been through hell these passed 4 years but it will not be wasted

The lessons will forever be sketched into my memory

I am not looking for complete as I already have that 

I am hoping for friendship loyalty and love

That house on that street 

My own place 

Decorated for me by me

Persistence and resilience are traits I didn’t ever imagine 

But they’ve been my silent companion all this time 

As I look out

At the sea in front of my feet 

As that sea crashes into the coast like it always has 

I breathe in deep and I hold it 

I hold it for what feels like forever 

I close my eyes and I see all the previous year in small pictures in my mind 

Not in any order but all over the vast blank space

I delve into the images and zoom closer into the details 

I can see it all happening again like a rerun

Except this is not a film or a tv series

This is 2024

This was my last year and it hurts to see it 

It hurts to see the reality of decisions that I made 

The people that came in and out of my life 

The times I thought my life was getting better 

To see images days later where it hadn’t 

I can see the people who were mean and rude and toxic

I can see my feelings being hurt over and over

I watch as I cry myself to sleep

There are several of them 

What is my legacy for 2024

Is it to be focused on the pain 

Or the suffering 

Or the let downs

Or is it to be focusing on the strength 

And the ability to push on through 

To get back up each day and fight for my life

Not the cancer but the life 

To push on 

To continue to show up for myself 

To paint on my face get in that car and teach 

Meet people and build a rapport 

Put myself out for others

Even when they didn’t deserve it

These lessons are now scars

They cut me deep and I need to remember the pain 

I need to remember what caused the scars and stop just focusing on the healing 

Remember these people who led you in the dark 

And fcuk off anyone who doesn’t serve you 

Who doesn’t set your soul alight 

Not just bits of serotonin Kim 

I want the fcuking world to explode with it 

Graveyards and cemeteries

Here lies a person who tried 

A person who really wanted nothing more than acceptance 

Somebody who spent so many years adjusting to lll fitting clothes and people 

Personalities that kept me up at night 

Searching hopelessly in the fallen rain, not a glimmer of light to help as I foraged for signs of hope 

Lights arrived and used solar energy to light up the surrounding earth around our house 

But it didn’t bring real light nor any warmth 

Often with insomnia draining my soul I’d sit out in the open air 

And although unbeknown to me the extent of resentment she carried with her 

I was still able to exist in this broken marriage 

I was scared to really tell her of my fears of dying 

And my fears of losing who I’d spent such a long time becoming 

The woman she fell for, was slowly fading away with each infusion my body received 

The cells inside me were dying 

The health and disease were being boiled alive 

The aches and pains unlike anything I could ever explain into words 

For I was no longer an us 

I was an I and with that lost 

Battling on land I’d never seen before for a life I didn’t recognise 

A life that hadn’t been started 

The happy family drama series had been axed

My marriage cancelled

And my health in tatters 

Like the hair that I found fallen all over my house 

The sullen look in my eyes as I woke in the morning and sat in front of my bedroom mirror which had once reflected smiles and laughter 

Now reflected pain and sorrow

There was no longer a big plan for our future 

For the our was now just a me 

And this room was no longer lived in but sold and belonged to some other family 

And we didn’t sent messages of love and affection but of divorce agreements and money chats

No more football days out 

No more holidays abroad 

No more marking or gaming Sundays 

No more laughter 

No more memories to retell or love cherished moments to frame 

Nothing left

The vows are not forever 

They lasted just 5 years together and 6 as it counts down to the end 

The final lap of our marriage and of our commitment 

Grave stones surround this village 

Buried below are lost loved ones

Married till death does part us

Not me 

Not I

Not with this one 

Grief has become my shadow 

But even in the dark it haunts me 

It strangles the reality out of me 

What I was saw as reality is now merely a dream 

Of a long forgotten life that I used to live

Grief is teaching me the ways of the world 

And I need to listen to the lessons 

Never another day

Never another day like that day I found you please

I can barely fathom the stages it’s so hard to believe 

Never another day like that appointment looming on that treasured final night of the year in 2022

Never another day like that one that took my breath away with it, and the person I was in that moment stopped, and this new one took over 

Never another day like that one before the operation lying in bed knowing you were growing inside me

Never another day like that birthday that felt oh so flat and painful as I caught those tubes on the sofa as I walked away

Never another day like the one I thought she’d not make it to, a taxi and alone for my first chemo but luckily she made it through 

Never another day like that one I realised how bad this was, how sick I felt, and how scared I really was

Never another day 

Never another day like that one when I realised my marriage was truly over and that I’d never return to my job of 6 years, 

Never another day like that one when I sat in my house knowing that would be the last time ever and all those dreams and plans up in smoke 

Never another day like that one I met all those people in that residential stay at the hospital, suffering with awful tumours and learning of the life they so very much hung on to 

Never another day

Never another day like the times I’d catch my reflection and think how did I get so sick, so pale and so bald

When did I become a long term patient 

Never another day 

I can’t keep up with the days and weeks and months that have been before me as I sit typing this 

I can barely process the angst, the tears and the loss of so many parts of my previous life

My previous life where for granted was so real, time seemed endless and future planning was my hobby 

I have changed forever and in some ways I’m so glad I have 

Too many months of real unhappiness, needed a reason to end them 

Needed a reason to leave 

My situation was not serving 

My life was not enough 

I can remember the reaction when I spoke those words, “I will never be the same again, I won’t be returning to normal…” never a truer statement 

Forever changed 

Never another day of that woman, this life started in that moment on that Friday afternoon, 10th Feb 2023. 

Never another day wasted 

Never another day taken for granted 

Never another day of unkindness to myself, or blame… as 2024 people say “it is, what it is”  

Like this

It hasn’t always been like this, has it?

It seems if I really focus it has 

Maybe there were times I wasn’t this way but too few to remember 

I know it wasn’t the same with the serious one though 

The one I’d committed to

Not at first

Because she was so different 

What do people even talk about these days ?

I know I can fill an empty space and fill it with pointless nonsense 

Is that what communication looks like?

Is that what I’m looking for or should hold out for?

Can it not just be the looks?

I think I know it can’t as that’s not worked 

The looks far outweigh the person 9/10

And I don’t need the personality with my brain 

Like AI I just make it up

I put everything I like into one big bowl and mix it up

I spend time without consciously noticing the invention I am working on

So that when I do chat with them I’m so sure that minds creation links I lose the boundary

I can’t see the line between the reality and the fiction 

And I say I don’t like fiction?

Well maybe because I envelop people so deeply rooted into this interactive universe 

One they didn’t ever enter

But one I can never leave 

So to put my theory to the test 

An app without pictures 

Just personality 

Love is blind or should be 

To be shallow is not my choice 

But my pattern to be so hyper focused on the exterior 

I mean jeeez who ever said don’t judge a book by its cover

Seriously had multi meaning to that cause 

Neck sprain

For the neck sprained and it caused me pain 

It caused the deepest pain imaginable

It kept me in one place 

Forged shut and without support 

I could no longer sit quietly and watch people pass by

For I could not watch them leave or be their shoulder should they cry

This neck paralyzed me in this moment and would not let me go

No painkiller released me 

No sleep rested me 

Tortured souls enveloped me as I tried all night to switch off

But in a disarray woken up I was

Startled by the earlyness of the hour

As my pain overtook my breath 

It controlled my head and I could not shake it 

I could not shake it as I couldn’t move 

Yet i remain hopeful 

I can feel the day upon me

The blueness in the sky

The love surrounds me and lifts me high above this shit

I will be patient 

Accept that I sometimes need to relax 

Let this time be unwasted 

And so I’ve landed

Today I landed 

I landed somewhere I’d never landed before

The unfamiliarity felt familiar

I didn’t panic and I didn’t stutter

I found my route out and I type this from a seat on my last but one part of my journey

I spent all my life looking for the familiarity 

For the smile that made me feel safe and protected

I have smiled at the wrong people 

Those people abused me 

They used me and they spat me out

I have rebuilt my personalities and dissected the scars from the pools of wastage on the floor

But still I have them

Those scars might have faded now but they will remain there forever

Like a continuous reminder of battles I fought 

I might have been injured in them but I am still here

Not seen like a hero though 

I’m not on any tv show

I didn’t admit to the reality of those times 

I don’t even tell myself 

Smiles are easy to do 

But they don’t mean anything 

Look into the eyes

That is when you will see the real truth

For people can’t hide the truth in those

I had this way of watching people 

Years of befriending the enemy made me feel check 

Focus in and see what’s there

Not what I want to see

But the realness

You know that moment a bulb goes

Say a set of three lights and one goes pop

At first it’s like it’s gone dark

Even though there’s two left 

For that initial shock and that initial bang 

You could argue it’s black out 

But you adjust 

You get used to it

It may not be the same but it still kind of does the job

I mean 2s better than 1 right?