Graveyards and cemeteries

Here lies a person who tried 

A person who really wanted nothing more than acceptance 

Somebody who spent so many years adjusting to lll fitting clothes and people 

Personalities that kept me up at night 

Searching hopelessly in the fallen rain, not a glimmer of light to help as I foraged for signs of hope 

Lights arrived and used solar energy to light up the surrounding earth around our house 

But it didn’t bring real light nor any warmth 

Often with insomnia draining my soul I’d sit out in the open air 

And although unbeknown to me the extent of resentment she carried with her 

I was still able to exist in this broken marriage 

I was scared to really tell her of my fears of dying 

And my fears of losing who I’d spent such a long time becoming 

The woman she fell for, was slowly fading away with each infusion my body received 

The cells inside me were dying 

The health and disease were being boiled alive 

The aches and pains unlike anything I could ever explain into words 

For I was no longer an us 

I was an I and with that lost 

Battling on land I’d never seen before for a life I didn’t recognise 

A life that hadn’t been started 

The happy family drama series had been axed

My marriage cancelled

And my health in tatters 

Like the hair that I found fallen all over my house 

The sullen look in my eyes as I woke in the morning and sat in front of my bedroom mirror which had once reflected smiles and laughter 

Now reflected pain and sorrow

There was no longer a big plan for our future 

For the our was now just a me 

And this room was no longer lived in but sold and belonged to some other family 

And we didn’t sent messages of love and affection but of divorce agreements and money chats

No more football days out 

No more holidays abroad 

No more marking or gaming Sundays 

No more laughter 

No more memories to retell or love cherished moments to frame 

Nothing left

The vows are not forever 

They lasted just 5 years together and 6 as it counts down to the end 

The final lap of our marriage and of our commitment 

Grave stones surround this village 

Buried below are lost loved ones

Married till death does part us

Not me 

Not I

Not with this one 

Grief has become my shadow 

But even in the dark it haunts me 

It strangles the reality out of me 

What I was saw as reality is now merely a dream 

Of a long forgotten life that I used to live

Grief is teaching me the ways of the world 

And I need to listen to the lessons 

Never another day

Never another day like that day I found you please

I can barely fathom the stages it’s so hard to believe 

Never another day like that appointment looming on that treasured final night of the year in 2022

Never another day like that one that took my breath away with it, and the person I was in that moment stopped, and this new one took over 

Never another day like that one before the operation lying in bed knowing you were growing inside me

Never another day like that birthday that felt oh so flat and painful as I caught those tubes on the sofa as I walked away

Never another day like the one I thought she’d not make it to, a taxi and alone for my first chemo but luckily she made it through 

Never another day like that one I realised how bad this was, how sick I felt, and how scared I really was

Never another day 

Never another day like that one when I realised my marriage was truly over and that I’d never return to my job of 6 years, 

Never another day like that one when I sat in my house knowing that would be the last time ever and all those dreams and plans up in smoke 

Never another day like that one I met all those people in that residential stay at the hospital, suffering with awful tumours and learning of the life they so very much hung on to 

Never another day

Never another day like the times I’d catch my reflection and think how did I get so sick, so pale and so bald

When did I become a long term patient 

Never another day 

I can’t keep up with the days and weeks and months that have been before me as I sit typing this 

I can barely process the angst, the tears and the loss of so many parts of my previous life

My previous life where for granted was so real, time seemed endless and future planning was my hobby 

I have changed forever and in some ways I’m so glad I have 

Too many months of real unhappiness, needed a reason to end them 

Needed a reason to leave 

My situation was not serving 

My life was not enough 

I can remember the reaction when I spoke those words, “I will never be the same again, I won’t be returning to normal…” never a truer statement 

Forever changed 

Never another day of that woman, this life started in that moment on that Friday afternoon, 10th Feb 2023. 

Never another day wasted 

Never another day taken for granted 

Never another day of unkindness to myself, or blame… as 2024 people say “it is, what it is”  

Like this

It hasn’t always been like this, has it?

It seems if I really focus it has 

Maybe there were times I wasn’t this way but too few to remember 

I know it wasn’t the same with the serious one though 

The one I’d committed to

Not at first

Because she was so different 

What do people even talk about these days ?

I know I can fill an empty space and fill it with pointless nonsense 

Is that what communication looks like?

Is that what I’m looking for or should hold out for?

Can it not just be the looks?

I think I know it can’t as that’s not worked 

The looks far outweigh the person 9/10

And I don’t need the personality with my brain 

Like AI I just make it up

I put everything I like into one big bowl and mix it up

I spend time without consciously noticing the invention I am working on

So that when I do chat with them I’m so sure that minds creation links I lose the boundary

I can’t see the line between the reality and the fiction 

And I say I don’t like fiction?

Well maybe because I envelop people so deeply rooted into this interactive universe 

One they didn’t ever enter

But one I can never leave 

So to put my theory to the test 

An app without pictures 

Just personality 

Love is blind or should be 

To be shallow is not my choice 

But my pattern to be so hyper focused on the exterior 

I mean jeeez who ever said don’t judge a book by its cover

Seriously had multi meaning to that cause 

Neck sprain

For the neck sprained and it caused me pain 

It caused the deepest pain imaginable

It kept me in one place 

Forged shut and without support 

I could no longer sit quietly and watch people pass by

For I could not watch them leave or be their shoulder should they cry

This neck paralyzed me in this moment and would not let me go

No painkiller released me 

No sleep rested me 

Tortured souls enveloped me as I tried all night to switch off

But in a disarray woken up I was

Startled by the earlyness of the hour

As my pain overtook my breath 

It controlled my head and I could not shake it 

I could not shake it as I couldn’t move 

Yet i remain hopeful 

I can feel the day upon me

The blueness in the sky

The love surrounds me and lifts me high above this shit

I will be patient 

Accept that I sometimes need to relax 

Let this time be unwasted 

And so I’ve landed

Today I landed 

I landed somewhere I’d never landed before

The unfamiliarity felt familiar

I didn’t panic and I didn’t stutter

I found my route out and I type this from a seat on my last but one part of my journey

I spent all my life looking for the familiarity 

For the smile that made me feel safe and protected

I have smiled at the wrong people 

Those people abused me 

They used me and they spat me out

I have rebuilt my personalities and dissected the scars from the pools of wastage on the floor

But still I have them

Those scars might have faded now but they will remain there forever

Like a continuous reminder of battles I fought 

I might have been injured in them but I am still here

Not seen like a hero though 

I’m not on any tv show

I didn’t admit to the reality of those times 

I don’t even tell myself 

Smiles are easy to do 

But they don’t mean anything 

Look into the eyes

That is when you will see the real truth

For people can’t hide the truth in those

I had this way of watching people 

Years of befriending the enemy made me feel check 

Focus in and see what’s there

Not what I want to see

But the realness

You know that moment a bulb goes

Say a set of three lights and one goes pop

At first it’s like it’s gone dark

Even though there’s two left 

For that initial shock and that initial bang 

You could argue it’s black out 

But you adjust 

You get used to it

It may not be the same but it still kind of does the job

I mean 2s better than 1 right?

Nothing prepares you

Nothing can prepare you for that first session 

Infusion 

Whatever you want to dress it up as 

The reality? It’s chemotherapy 

It’s been selected based on grade, type and stage

It’s a concoction of liquids 

like making potions as a child in the bath; using all your mums expensive Avon selections

But in this case, it’s plain old poison and it’s job is to be syringed directly into my vein and flung about my body, killing all that it sees 

Cancer cells, healthy cells

It’s not picky 

It doesn’t care

My first session was not easy

I’d been alone the night before

Tears down my face as I realised later but at least it happened that in that dark moment in which I was home alone 

Partner soon to be ex out drinking and two cats by my side like security 

That I would only have myself to rely on throughout

That this treatment was going to ruin me but that I needed to keep calm for myself

You have bloods taken several days before to check you are healthy enough to go ahead

As soon as that stuff starts entering you; your body really hasn’t known anything like it

I had a picc line so that meant that my first four infusions known as EC would not damage the veins or cause burns on my skin

No I’m not joking…

So imagine I’m there with all this stuff you read about needing 

Huge bag known as my chemo bag

Full of books and sweets and my iPad you know? Like it’s some day out 

2litre bottle of water ready to chug as that’s important to ensure you pass urine before you leave that day

I choose my chair like you do in the cinema 

Except this is completely different 

No thriller or romcom for me today

My nurse was amazing 

I mean they all were but the first nurse became my rock 

She got me with all my tisms and blank moments she understood

They fit my line and start with fluids and anti sickness and everything else you can imagine as a precaution to my reactions and allergies

Then a hospital staff member arrives with a bag 

Full of the days meds 

We have different colours for different types 

This room seems to fill up quickly each seat is taken 

The enormity of people affected has never really been easy to see

Mine was here

I confirm my name my NHS number and my DOB, it feels surreal that at 36 I was experiencing this

There was never a subject in this

No lessons like swimming or driving 

No way of preparing mentally or emotionally

You want to make a joke but the jokes on me 

You want to run away

You want it to be a sick April fool that went wrong 

But it’s none of these things

It’s attached to this device and this pole on wheels is attached to me

The saving grace is that my nurse gets to stay with me

Four syringes of the Red Devil and four syringes of the one that felt like I was drowning

She talks about everything 

I try and hide my fear but she can see it

It’s a large tube for the syringe and it’s going in 

Weird to see this line hanging out of your arm 

Knowing it’s deeply embedded in a vein leading directly to my heart

Being pumped around with my hearts beat

Slowly at first and calmly it starts entering

My fear of blood seems laughable now

I don’t know where to start with the fears I could now list

Watching this red liquid enter my body 

Unforgettable

Pink box near me incase I react

Incase my body goes into shock at the audacity

How am I someone who was so healthy and happy

Experiencing this 

What the hell is life

Why me?

Why us?

Too many people

All ages

Not picky this C

I did react

Nausea was horrific at home

You sit in your head thinking what the hell is my body going through 

How is this even real

1 of 8 and I never want to go again 

The smell of the ward

Brings back the fear

Was in hospital several days later

All these meds and injections to follow

To be done by yours truly

But we don’t moan 

We don’t complain 

We don’t even react as it’s causing us sickness 

We do cry when alone

That’s what I’d do

I’d hug my body close and apologise under my breath

Apologise that my body let this in

That my body didn’t notice the signs

That this cell was a fake 

But it was too late

This was my path

This is my path

This path never ends

Station stops throughout life

But like they say with childbirth 

You never forget

It never goes away

The staff will stay with me forever

And unlike that child birth

We aren’t gifted with a baby

We are gifted with a bit more time 

And we hope there is no next time 

We spend our life hoping  

Three generations

Three generations 

All under one roof

All living out lives

All avoiding the bumps

The bumps in the roads as they endure life

The bumps in the road that bring along grief

The bumps in the road of mixed up feelings 

Of health outcomes

Of love loss and pain 

Three generations 

It ends with me 

I can’t reproduce or continue this line 

It was never my destiny 

But I think so hard

About those above me 

About the generations that had bad days

And how they continued to breathe

I think about the lives they may have led

And how hard it might have been 

Of losing loved ones young 

Of battling through adversity

Of the constant house changes

The constant school changes

The new girl narrative

The long walks to school

The tough lessons in different times

Being out late and hitchhiking home

To not being allowed out at all

To being evacuated

To living far away from home

To running down that field behind that unfamiliar place

And watching the trains as they passed by

Waving and crying 

Missing and hoping

Life being so unsettling

Three generations 

All under one roof

Each with a story

And each with a book

Each with its hard times

And each with its tough lessons

Each with its loss 

Each with its first love

And some with its last

Grief and pain and despair

But all still here

Never gave up

Kept the fight for life

Brought into the world the next life

The next generation

That ends with me

Strong women 

Never walked from a fight 

Never gave up any battle

Lived and loved life

I will carry the lessons learned

I will stand proud and tall

And although I won’t pass it on 

I will not let it fall

To the waste side 

To be forgotten 

It will forever exist

Through the stories 

The memories

And our hard fought fights for life