The box that I built

I could not recall the exact moment or age I was when I started to make it 

But I know that it felt cramped and uncomfortable 

It was like buying your favourite shoes in the wrong size but wanting them so bad you wear them anyway

You hope with time they will stretch and fit around you 

This box was my prison 

It was a place I had made to fit into 

It was a box that was made to suppress

I would sit and watch people in my class and they just did things different

Their ideas and their games seemed pointless

They seemed boring and lame

I guess it was just me I would say

But I would be told I was missing out or I was being difficult

I would be told to join in and play 

But I would ask myself, play what?

Kiss chase or dress up or dolls?

I didn’t see the point in all that

It felt pointless and always ended the same way

I had imagination and spirit

I had creativity and passion 

These games didn’t make me thrive

But I got in my box and I played them anyway

As I got older I started to feel worse

The games and tiresome efforts to “enjoy” them really took it out of me

I would be drained when I got home

Watching people twittail or lie or bully was a horrid time to be alive

But I learned early on that you bullied or you were bullied and again that box came out

It felt smaller but I got in there and I took part 

It was all about validation 

To be liked and to be normal

To not stick out or stand up for me but to agree and smile 

To take part and be involved

To not meant lonely break and lunch 

It was draining and tiring and I looked forward to the weekends

I could do me

Where my own clothes and be my own person 

Listen to the music I liked

And the films I wanted

Talk about my interests

You know the funniest thing was the uniform 

That was the easiest way for me to fit in 

Because we all had the same

Adulting was harder because I didn’t have the uniform anymore

I would wear what I thought and get told off

So I’d wear what they did and get unwanted attention 

I was masking so much now I couldn’t tell which face I was wearing

Each friend had a different style and like and music taste

And interests kept changing and people were in relationship and having sex and getting married

And I was at home rummaging through piles of old masks and getting too big for this box and crying

And sometimes it would slip and I would be there for all to see

My personality would thrive and my interests be mine and my clothes be my choice

And I would get looks or get called names

So I’d blame it on the drink

Or say I was hormonal

This box 

📦 

It kept me banished and suppressed for all of my life

People liked me in it

And got fed up when I got out

It started to dawn on me that my wife liked the box more than me

But I wasn’t the box

That was not me

That was whomever had wanted me to be

I was outside 

I was sat down 

I was just me 

The hair and clothes and the make up- not me

Just that poor little girl being told to never be me

Be what they tell you and do as you’re told

Don’t stand out 

Get them to like you

Be like them 

Dress like them

Talk like them

Be them

Not you 

Never you 

Well screw you

I gave it up

I am me now whether they like it or not

Gone are those people who pushed me back in 

Who told me to try harder or told me to fit in 

Who told me I was weird or that my music choice was shit

Who told me I was strange for not wanting to drink underage

I am me and I am honest and frank and blunt

My tone is unchanged but that’s how I want it

My stories and real and emotion and raw

My memories are painful and hard to ignore

Those people who pretended or hid me away

Will never get to see me and I’ll never say hey

They are gone to me, gone 

Like that box I have left

I am me I am ASD 

I am here 

And I am free 

Grass is already green

I could never really say how much it has truly hurt

Not really for there are no words

No words that could create the blow that I felt as it all came crashing down 

I could never draw it either with any colour I could make, for the emotion could never truly be felt through any colour paint 

I have been left in the mansion of despair, where every corridor was darkened with memories of what used to be there 

No team spirit or shared trust, no till death do we part or I will always love you

I could never catch quick enough, as my spinning plates crashed on down 

I can never forget how I felt 

But I moved away 

I was brought closer to family 

I was given a chance to live and love and heal 

I was taken to the sea, and the waves they soothed me 

The vast views healed me 

I felt less alone

I was looked after, watered and fed 

I had comfort and compassion 

My once lonely existence was transformed 

As I grew stronger my world changed for the better 

My treatment got tougher but I felt stronger 

It has not been easy, in fact far from it 

It has been the most difficult chapter ever 

As my life is etched onto the page, in ink that never stains or runs when it gets wet from my tears as they fall 

and memories are drawn and fear is real and nightmares are constant 

I sit and I watch as the days turn to nights and the sun sets on skies that glow 

The views could never be imagined for they outdo any fantasy 

Such beauty in the nature of this wonderful place 

But then comes fear 

Fear of missing out 

Fear of being stuck in this independent rut 

Fear of not meeting my tribe or my people

Fear of being so rural I’ll be lost forever 

Fear that I’ll be forgotten and single forever 

That I have no scene or community

No scene for me to walk down 

No rainbow above the door 

No drag queen on the stage

But as I said before my grass is already green 

This grass is nurtured well and greener than any colour I’ve ever seen 

That scene is no more 

The doors have been closed and the boards have gone up

The streets are no longer full of connections 

But empty and bare

The rainbow is just a reminder on the streets of the times that could of been there

Businesses are closed and graffiti is present 

The new shift has moved in and the village is forever shaken 

To type this out right now and to know how I felt 

To know I had fear that I’d spend life on my own 

But fear not as I see that the grass is not greener 

The fence is an illusion and created by fear 

The fear is just words that encapsulates life

It gets tighter and tighter and cuts off the blood

It leaves you torn and bruised and scared 

But I see through it 

I see the truth 

I see the light 

I will be alright 

When I can’t, say you will..

Help me get up on that day when I can’t 

Tell me I’m still glowing covered in scars

Listen to me, as I explain how it feels to have felt like all had been lost

Watch me as I continue living, even when the battle felt over

To have not only reinvented but, became who I was always meant to be 

That girl in the pictures of years flown by

The one who still gets excited from the fireworks in the sky

Who still has flashbacks of childhood holidays and fun 

Help me down the stairs, as my legs don’t work like they did 

But don’t look down on me

Don’t feel sorry for me

I’m just the outcome of experience

And although mine has been different 

I don’t feel down 

I don’t feel bitter

I have accepted it all 

The changes to my life

My body and my health

My view and my surroundings 

But I am so grateful for my life

For the body that endured 

Just whisper to me 

Tell me of my beauty

Tell me you see past the scars and loss 

Tell me you see me 

Be the first to really see me

The first in all of my years to really know me, and understand 

I will sit patiently and wait on your entrance

I know you are out there 

I have high hopes 

I have always had big dreams 

And one by one they have all come true 

I won’t doubt my dreams or my future

Because I know it is full of everything I have ever wanted

From that young girl to this grown up woman

Help me get up on that day that I can’t

Don’t let me stop now

Life is good

And I want it all 

Not just glimmers

Did you feel it then ?

It was a moment where you breathed out but didn’t feel tension or stress

You felt happy and calm 

It was just then and it felt different because it’s so unlike the majority of the time 

It was ok to feel ok and you meant it 

The video call you just made was positive and happy 

Not just glimmers or tunnels with ends filled with light 

But the here and now

Smiles and relief

Happiness from the heart and in it 

Own it and show it 

For all the eyes to see 

Infinite possibilities

And when we understand the mission, when we understand the time and when we understand peace and when life tells us exactly what is here and what we need, and when we open our arms and open our heart to the possibilities that we too can be happy in a world that tries its best to prevent that. 
When we realise that our lives are more than the sum of its parts, and that although our bodies may one day sit back down, and struggle to get back up, our souls will live a lifetime. A lifetime is not one single life. 
It is not singular. It is infinite. 
What I believe, I can't tell you has ever been taught to me, but is just in me. 
I see it, and I wait for a time that it surely will show itself. In a world that's always been important, nurturing, and kind. And even though some of us do struggle and some of us do find dark days, and struggle to get from out of that cloud and struggle to heal, just know that, that will pass. One step at a time. 

Life is to be lived. Life is to be endured. Life is to be suffered. 
Life is to be nurtured, experience, wisdom, lesson. These are all things, all things that we take for granted. Illness and disease. 
Now, that comes along and that can change everything. Or it can change nothing. It can create a new opportunity or it can end that life. 
We can choose. It's always been a choice. Life has always been a choice. 
We all know how it ends. We all know how to stop it. We all know how to prevent life from continuing. 
We all know this. We always have had. We know what's to fear. 
We know what's a warning. We know what drama can be caused. We know what pain can be suffered. 
We know danger. We choose. We choose the people, we choose the place, we choose the job, we choose the life. 
We choose the friendships, we choose the enemies, we choose it all. We choose the clothes, we choose the aesthetic, everything, everything. And if you think you don't, you're mistaken. 
If you think it is written for you, you're mistaken. Nothing is written. Everything's to play for. 
There's not a path that has been etched out. There's infinite pathways, infinite options, infinite endings, infinite, infinite Never forget that

Consumerism is the mirror image of the happy and unhappy

Woke up feeling quieter mentally

But with the odd thought jetting passed

The what ifs and the somewhat sullen reality of the quiet life I live 

Not upset it’s reality nor am I ecstatic that it is

Feels a lot like external judgements that prey on my solitude

I didn’t want this 

I always wanted another, so I thought 

To be in love with another and life to be content 

But maybe in life that’s the problem

We all aspire for the things we don’t have and things we don’t need

We consume the unimportance

We consume realities drenched in fake faux fur

Ripped from the lives of others 

Leaving behind the scarring and the pain 

Walking away without a second thought or feeling for the lives trampled on 

Positively inhumane treatment of the bourgeoisie dictatorship

Not a soul survives the wrath of squeezing every last mouthful of greed out of life 

What about ME

And then there's a moment and a moment seems to last for a lifetime because it is. It's the present moment, it just like these words, I think before it, nothing after it. The happening live as I type them
Clarity , not chaos to be in a position where clarity is all I have, all I need, all I want no drama, no uncertainty, no waiting on anybody just me 
I get up. I do what I want and then I go to bed. Then repeat, no explanation, no interpretation, no analysis, no feeling like I'm in the wrong or I wanna do wrong no second guessing people's opinions, people's thoughts not having to convince, not having to ask, not having to request, just simply being, and  doing what I want  my career is different obviously, but I chose to do that. I chose to study for it. I chose to put the work into it. I choose to be there What can be painful however during this present is that you often come across someone else someone who you have an attachment or a connection that you can't quite understand, but makes complete sense. You'll find yourself in that moment questioning how? How am I here now, in front of you that's the game you see, how can you be there if you're in the moment, how are you questioning it? If you're in the moment, how are you thinking about it by just being in the moment? It’s a very powerful thingSee, where I see things going now as I sit here on this bank holiday Monday is that if I'm to be fully in the moment, the thoughts, the tribulations, the concerns, the panic, the worry, the anxiety, the fear, they can't be there too, for they would need to be attached to something else, maybe something that's been before, maybe something that might be in the future. But if I'm in the present, how am I thinking these things? If I'm in the present, how am I even aware? See what's interesting is even though maybe that particular connection ended sooner than I'd anticipated that small insight has been quite catastrophic to the way in which I have designed my thinking to be and what I mean by that is they reminded me that by being present that by being in that moment blocks anything else out, so the fear, the worry, the concern, the treatment, the history none of that matters because it's clearly and quite obviously not the present. It's the past and the past doesn't exist anymore,It's just a memory
I wake up this morning with out much thought of what would come next however, I did have hopes. I did have dreams. I had a positive mindsetSince waking up there has been a change in direction with certain connections, which has left me feeling quite distant to my presence. I found myself on a path that I've often trawled through questioning my worth questioning my value, you know effectively asking why am I not enough? Why did they not want me? Why did they not want to pursue this? What is wrong with me?Sitting in a room, in a house, like this was all for them and that's when it dawned on me as I nearly made mistakes that I've made before as I nearly went backwards as I nearly messaged people that never ever deserved my presence. 
&& I thought to myself they may be gone, they may have pulled away but with that they left me with a lesson. There's a lesson in the experience, a lesson in just this that it's okay It's a memory now anyway, it's OK not everyone's with someone. It's OK. You haven't done all this for someone new to come along and take it from you and to take from it and to take with it all you have made and to gain from you, you've done all this for you. You sat and did all this yesterday for you. You chose to sit there and you chose to run through things that you have not read or seen in probably two decades You were very much in the present. You hadn't thought about the past. You hadn't thought about the memories. You were just in the moment That's a powerful place to be, decisions, choices, thoughts, that will for you to choose, all for you, to choose and sit on your laurels. Don't sit in that headspace of why not me like you did over two years ago, maybe longer, why me to now why not me?But, it should be what about me? not about them, not about blending, not about adjusting, what about me? not why me? or why not me? what about me!?