Neck sprain

For the neck sprained and it caused me pain 

It caused the deepest pain imaginable

It kept me in one place 

Forged shut and without support 

I could no longer sit quietly and watch people pass by

For I could not watch them leave or be their shoulder should they cry

This neck paralyzed me in this moment and would not let me go

No painkiller released me 

No sleep rested me 

Tortured souls enveloped me as I tried all night to switch off

But in a disarray woken up I was

Startled by the earlyness of the hour

As my pain overtook my breath 

It controlled my head and I could not shake it 

I could not shake it as I couldn’t move 

Yet i remain hopeful 

I can feel the day upon me

The blueness in the sky

The love surrounds me and lifts me high above this shit

I will be patient 

Accept that I sometimes need to relax 

Let this time be unwasted 

And so I’ve landed

Today I landed 

I landed somewhere I’d never landed before

The unfamiliarity felt familiar

I didn’t panic and I didn’t stutter

I found my route out and I type this from a seat on my last but one part of my journey

I spent all my life looking for the familiarity 

For the smile that made me feel safe and protected

I have smiled at the wrong people 

Those people abused me 

They used me and they spat me out

I have rebuilt my personalities and dissected the scars from the pools of wastage on the floor

But still I have them

Those scars might have faded now but they will remain there forever

Like a continuous reminder of battles I fought 

I might have been injured in them but I am still here

Not seen like a hero though 

I’m not on any tv show

I didn’t admit to the reality of those times 

I don’t even tell myself 

Smiles are easy to do 

But they don’t mean anything 

Look into the eyes

That is when you will see the real truth

For people can’t hide the truth in those

I had this way of watching people 

Years of befriending the enemy made me feel check 

Focus in and see what’s there

Not what I want to see

But the realness

You know that moment a bulb goes

Say a set of three lights and one goes pop

At first it’s like it’s gone dark

Even though there’s two left 

For that initial shock and that initial bang 

You could argue it’s black out 

But you adjust 

You get used to it

It may not be the same but it still kind of does the job

I mean 2s better than 1 right?

Nothing prepares you

Nothing can prepare you for that first session 

Infusion 

Whatever you want to dress it up as 

The reality? It’s chemotherapy 

It’s been selected based on grade, type and stage

It’s a concoction of liquids 

like making potions as a child in the bath; using all your mums expensive Avon selections

But in this case, it’s plain old poison and it’s job is to be syringed directly into my vein and flung about my body, killing all that it sees 

Cancer cells, healthy cells

It’s not picky 

It doesn’t care

My first session was not easy

I’d been alone the night before

Tears down my face as I realised later but at least it happened that in that dark moment in which I was home alone 

Partner soon to be ex out drinking and two cats by my side like security 

That I would only have myself to rely on throughout

That this treatment was going to ruin me but that I needed to keep calm for myself

You have bloods taken several days before to check you are healthy enough to go ahead

As soon as that stuff starts entering you; your body really hasn’t known anything like it

I had a picc line so that meant that my first four infusions known as EC would not damage the veins or cause burns on my skin

No I’m not joking…

So imagine I’m there with all this stuff you read about needing 

Huge bag known as my chemo bag

Full of books and sweets and my iPad you know? Like it’s some day out 

2litre bottle of water ready to chug as that’s important to ensure you pass urine before you leave that day

I choose my chair like you do in the cinema 

Except this is completely different 

No thriller or romcom for me today

My nurse was amazing 

I mean they all were but the first nurse became my rock 

She got me with all my tisms and blank moments she understood

They fit my line and start with fluids and anti sickness and everything else you can imagine as a precaution to my reactions and allergies

Then a hospital staff member arrives with a bag 

Full of the days meds 

We have different colours for different types 

This room seems to fill up quickly each seat is taken 

The enormity of people affected has never really been easy to see

Mine was here

I confirm my name my NHS number and my DOB, it feels surreal that at 36 I was experiencing this

There was never a subject in this

No lessons like swimming or driving 

No way of preparing mentally or emotionally

You want to make a joke but the jokes on me 

You want to run away

You want it to be a sick April fool that went wrong 

But it’s none of these things

It’s attached to this device and this pole on wheels is attached to me

The saving grace is that my nurse gets to stay with me

Four syringes of the Red Devil and four syringes of the one that felt like I was drowning

She talks about everything 

I try and hide my fear but she can see it

It’s a large tube for the syringe and it’s going in 

Weird to see this line hanging out of your arm 

Knowing it’s deeply embedded in a vein leading directly to my heart

Being pumped around with my hearts beat

Slowly at first and calmly it starts entering

My fear of blood seems laughable now

I don’t know where to start with the fears I could now list

Watching this red liquid enter my body 

Unforgettable

Pink box near me incase I react

Incase my body goes into shock at the audacity

How am I someone who was so healthy and happy

Experiencing this 

What the hell is life

Why me?

Why us?

Too many people

All ages

Not picky this C

I did react

Nausea was horrific at home

You sit in your head thinking what the hell is my body going through 

How is this even real

1 of 8 and I never want to go again 

The smell of the ward

Brings back the fear

Was in hospital several days later

All these meds and injections to follow

To be done by yours truly

But we don’t moan 

We don’t complain 

We don’t even react as it’s causing us sickness 

We do cry when alone

That’s what I’d do

I’d hug my body close and apologise under my breath

Apologise that my body let this in

That my body didn’t notice the signs

That this cell was a fake 

But it was too late

This was my path

This is my path

This path never ends

Station stops throughout life

But like they say with childbirth 

You never forget

It never goes away

The staff will stay with me forever

And unlike that child birth

We aren’t gifted with a baby

We are gifted with a bit more time 

And we hope there is no next time 

We spend our life hoping  

Three generations

Three generations 

All under one roof

All living out lives

All avoiding the bumps

The bumps in the roads as they endure life

The bumps in the road that bring along grief

The bumps in the road of mixed up feelings 

Of health outcomes

Of love loss and pain 

Three generations 

It ends with me 

I can’t reproduce or continue this line 

It was never my destiny 

But I think so hard

About those above me 

About the generations that had bad days

And how they continued to breathe

I think about the lives they may have led

And how hard it might have been 

Of losing loved ones young 

Of battling through adversity

Of the constant house changes

The constant school changes

The new girl narrative

The long walks to school

The tough lessons in different times

Being out late and hitchhiking home

To not being allowed out at all

To being evacuated

To living far away from home

To running down that field behind that unfamiliar place

And watching the trains as they passed by

Waving and crying 

Missing and hoping

Life being so unsettling

Three generations 

All under one roof

Each with a story

And each with a book

Each with its hard times

And each with its tough lessons

Each with its loss 

Each with its first love

And some with its last

Grief and pain and despair

But all still here

Never gave up

Kept the fight for life

Brought into the world the next life

The next generation

That ends with me

Strong women 

Never walked from a fight 

Never gave up any battle

Lived and loved life

I will carry the lessons learned

I will stand proud and tall

And although I won’t pass it on 

I will not let it fall

To the waste side 

To be forgotten 

It will forever exist

Through the stories 

The memories

And our hard fought fights for life 

Navigate 🧭

I talk about you more

Remember our little things 

The things only we knew 

Angela rayner from redditch 

The cat lingo 

Our little ways, the love language we had embedded into 8years

Never did make it to 10 did we 

I always thought we’d make it to forever 

That was before we changed 

Before life threw the curve balls

They didn’t curve our life though did they 

Came flying at us, at a rate

A rate of knots

Took us out thrown into the abyss

Winded for months 

The agony and pain never did heal properly 

Sealed but never the same 

Healed but never the same feeling 

Numbed in parts 

The eyes didn’t glimmer 

Not like they used to 

They had dulled out 

We didn’t trust anymore 

The hugs weren’t as deep as they once were 

The safety had gone 

The forever had ended 

The love was lost 

All before my news 

All before my news deepened the loss

Spread the love thinner 

Less to try for 

I’d never be me again 

Not the me you’d met in Starbucks 

You’d never be that woman I had met 

The one I tore my walls down for 

Bared it all for your eyes

For you to disregard me in years to come

I don’t know where my walls are any more

They got destroyed in the storm that took with it the possessions 

The memories torn off the walls like rubble 

Pictures that told stories 

That captivated smiles and laughter 

So many sunsets had we witnessed 

In our loving embrace 

So happy to have found each other 

Told the story of our love 

The impossible match 

The excitement of dates 

The safety all wrapped up in you 

I hung on to your every word 

I got lost in your eyes

Did anything to make you smile 

Changed my whole life for you 

So yeah I’m talking about us more these days 

I’m telling the stories as the pain begins to soften 

For I have grieved for so much 

This past year or more has been so difficult 

But without you by my side 

It’s taken some time 

Time to adjust 

I’m still learning my own path 

My own direction 

There is only one set of footprints now

And I know sooner rather than later, I will stop looking for yours …. 

Tom, may you rest now

What can I tell you about my step grandad

Let’s remove the step first of all

For he lived in my life longer than Taid so I feel that title should change

Memories of Tom have been falling into my mind

Those from my childhood and older

Of seeing him last Saturday after such a long time 

To being with him in France as a youngster

From memories of his dogs Jaffa and Gater

To the portraits of us as kids and from weddings

From his love for scrabble and always winning 

Of enjoying red wine

Of eating more and mopping the plate with bread

To saying nothing at dinner other than a burp

From hating adverts on tv that be muted the sound

To spending time in his studio at the top of the house

Silently creating art with such detail and heart

Of people I knew well or of those I’d never met 

Tom was sarcastic in nature

Quick witted with his responses

So quick on his feet that he would catch you off guard

With his funny comments and his little laugh

More like a smirk or smile as he wound up my Nan 

For this, for him was endless fun

Whether admitting to being an Eastenders fan, or sitting for hours doing his sudoku 

Tom was intelligent and had lived such a long full life

89 years 6months of pure talent and creations

Whether through watercolour or built

Barns and studios and anything else

Well travelled and able to speak languages

So many stand out cars

The yellow one being my favourite

Commenting on my driving speed being slow, needing to save my money, to liking my written work and suggesting publishing it

Looking after me when I was younger 

Being found fast asleep together 

His favourite cereal being Jordan’s granola

Tanning well on holiday 

Remember when that large sun canvas landed on my head?

Or us not seeing eye to eye?

We were able to openly talk and disagree 

You loved ice cream 

You always had seconds if you could

You were always smartly dressed

For that pipe that you smoked, and sitting there in tweed

Your hat sat proudly.. peaky blinders style 

You had good taste in programmes

You loved my Nan 

You made her happy for all this time 

I will miss your presence

Because even with your lack of hearing or involvement in every conversation 

You always gave me time 

Even last Saturday 

You smiled when you saw me 

You listened to me

You hugged me and I said I would see you soon 

That next time we’d talk more

Your advice and ideas will not be forgotten 

I will do what I can to keep you alive in my world and heart

I will not forget about you 

You were my grandad 

I do hope you can rest and heal 

In peace 

I hope the adverts are gone where you are 

Plenty of wine and chocolate 

And just like that

It is crazy to think that with a send it is all over 

A button.. an email with words and just like that 

The cord is cut that was deeply strained around my neck 

The noose they’d tied there years before 

The shame I felt as I tried to overrun the hierarchy of bullies, has been laid to rest. 

I can still remember the importance this role had for me in the year of 2018. It was the role that would change my working life, build me up with strong resilience and confidence. Enable me to become that lecturer I had always dreamed of being, especially after my previous place had stripped me back and taken its lashes of jealousy and anger out on my skin and my inner esteem for so long.. this place would be the change.

At first it was, the building was iconic and stood tall and proud beside the biggest city, the best city my hometown. It was clean and modern and I was so happy to be there. My commute was always so chill, to do a job you love means you never work a day, right?

But it soon grew old, it soon became overshadowed by full dark grey clouds, which blocked out all of my light, the bullies had started again, with subtle comments and treatments that only those with the sharpest eye could see 

It became bigger than me 

The days became longer and harder to get through

What was worse was that the students knew too

They witnessed it and heard the comments and they struggled to keep it quiet 

I was overthinking so much I stopped eating, my heart raced out of beat for months, these months became years.. walking in on deaf ears, walking in and choking on the tension they created

Isolated and ignored

Ridiculed and wasted

I found comfort in others 

There were allies in that place

Such strength which reminded me I was worthy 

It was reported and I went off sick

Sick for months 

Try it one time 

Losing all that you are 

All that you had left, my self esteem was so low it was hard to believe I’d ever be ok 

And I got better 

I worked on myself, I got stronger

And even though my battle was lost I was proud I’d fought at all

Bruised and scarred but not beaten 

Not giving up

But of course in life we face challenges 

3weeks after returning I found my C

Getting ready for work 

There it sat in my body 

4months later I was off again 

Treatment surgery and more treatment 

Fighting with all that strength I’d gained from the time I was off 

But today 

I ended it all

I closed the book 

I’d finished the last chapter

Almost 6 years 

Growth and defeat 

Progression and loss

Smiles and sorrow 

This place was my constant 

This job was my dream 

It still is

I still think fondly of this place

That building is still so strong 

It loses pieces now and then like a tower of jenga

Sadly the best pieces, the structural pieces are those that go 

Taken away or towel thrown in 

For me it was a ‘no choice’

It was a now or never 

It was a have more pride in yourself 

It is an unfinished project…

I had carved my ways into the bricks that will remain there forever 

I have hopefully left a legacy 

And won’t be forgotten 

Not for the illness, but for the fight and battles I braved, for learners, for staff and for myself

An era? yes 

A sadness I feel? yes

Any regrets? No, I did all I could do with the time I had.

Until next time, Toodle Pip BM3t 👋