This too shall pass

Today was the end of a long time coming 

I can recall the whole ordeal like a distorted scary movie you saw as a youngster that never left your mind 

The dates the expressions, the punchy one liners after diagnosis to the white noise that squealed so loud my ears bled after the separation 

The days that hit me so hard, that I didn’t think I’d ever see the light again in that tunnel 

The tunnel… had never been so long 

And to walk it alone is not easy 

Over these months though my fears I had have diminished 

Blood tests, weight being measured, admissions to hospitals, needles, pain, fatigue, nausea, dehydration, facing mortality, isolation, financial struggles, abandonment, separation, losing parts of your body and battling with parts of your mind 

The side effects varied 

Peripheral neuropathy and morphine were never what I’d known about until this time 

This year has been endless and yet this part is done

This year has broken me 

Yet today I rang the bell for completion 

My emotions are lost in a cluster fcuk of thoughts emotions bewilderment and anger 

They can’t be, because I’m feeling it all simultaneously 

They can’t escape because I’m locked up 

What is all this nonsense 

How was this ever possible 

How have I done it

How did I carry on 

This is not a battle with cancer 

This is a war with yourself 

You have to trust fast and dig so deep your hands will never heal from the dragging of ruins below you 

The hole is dark and you are covered in all the scars and pain and poison flows around your body like a power cut on your health 

You have to witness your appearance change in ways no Snapchat filter could ever really prepare you for 

You have to watch the fear and pain deepen and embed in everyone you knows eyes

You have to drag yourself out of bed in agony you could never describe to just shower and eat 

You can’t keep your breath at 36 when you’ve spent 3 years lifting weights 

You get dizzy making a coffee 

Too much is taken but you sign the contracts and you accept the consequences because life is important 

Yes it’s a new world for me now 

Yes it’s a new process 

Plans will not be as they once were and patience is my new religion 

I am being kind to myself because I have to be, yet, I mourn my previous life and body 

My path is different but it’s the clearest path I’ve ever seen 

My life is different but it is what it is, and I will live it to the full 

My heart is hurt, but will heal 

My bodies scarred, but is stronger 

My mind is baffled, but is finding the answers and the storage for processing and moving forward 

 

Today marked the end of 8 cycles of chemo 

Four EC with 4 admissions

Four Paclitaxal with 2 admissions 

Picc Line in and then out 

Blood results were up every test, even when I caught Covid 

Weight gained but due to meds

Codeine and morphine for pain 

I rang the bell today 

And I am proud of myself 

Because after all the fear tears and sleepless nights 

I’m at the light in this tunnel 

I’ve got respite to come and then I go again!